Lolita from Interstellar Space

2014
Written and directed by Dean McKendrick

This is the USS Vladimir Nabokov, we’re being chased by an unknown vessel and requesting assistance!

Lolita from Interstellar Space is yet another erotic parody softcore feature from Synthetic Filmwerx, complete with science-fiction elements and featuring a load of the familiar actors and song queues you know and love from the Retromedia bunch. Despite the reins being handed over fully to Dean McKendrick, the films are still recognizably from the same production group, and Lolita feels like a comfortable pair of slippers.

An alien comes to Earth to learn all about humanity, and humanity’s favorite pastime – sex! Or killing each other, but that wouldn’t make a good late night cable movie, so that’s all thrown out in favor of the bumping of uglies. A good decision, in my opinion. Who knew that softcore films are more progressive than prime time television?

Lolita from Interstellar Space succeeds in having a group of characters who are flawed but still good people (except for Greg, who is just bad), lending some realism to their portrayals. Sarah, who likes fancy stuff, but likes honesty and not putting up with a bunch of crap more. Joe, who is aimlessly drifting through college, but stays away from dipping into the unscrupulous doings of his friend Greg. Brandy, who enjoys attention but is rather reserved. Lolita isn’t a super smart alien chosen for this unique mission, she’s a screw-up who goes because it’s a last-ditch effort to get a passing grade. And even then, she messes up and has to fix the problems.

This film does raise the question on if the aliens are sending students to different planets all the time for extra credit, and what are the long term consequences of this action? Could thousands of planets in the galaxy be receiving visits from this race in the form of students who are in danger of failing? And where to the advanced students go? Once again, the viewer must answer these questions for themselves. I am fully confident that this will be the main avenue of discussion for Lolita from Interstellar Space, and not the sex scenes. I’m also fully confident you knew I was kidding about that last sentence!

You also need to know that Lolita from Interstellar Space is based on the classic tale by Jules Verne! Wait…WHAT??? Damn you, Jules Verne!

Lolita (Anna Morna) – An alien student whose real name is Lo’Lee-tha (no one pronounces it that way on Earth), she is sent to Earth to learn about humanity to make up for her dismal grades. Lolita learns about humanity and a whole lot more, mostly stuff in the erotic category. Though she probably could have just googled all that. Sarah (Christine Nguyen) – A cocktail waitress who likes expensive stuff, but likes responsibility even more. Strong willed. Roommates with Brandy and Joe. Brandy (Karlie Montana) – A candy striper at the hospital, enjoys her patients and her roommates, Joe and Sarah. Enjoys Joe a bit more than Sarah. Joe (Seth Gamble) – Joe is on his third term as a senior, will he ever graduate? Who knows. He’s a bartender at the same bar Sarah works at, and is friends with Greg. Professor Zarren (Nick Manning) – Lo’Lee-tha’s teacher at graduate school, Professor Zarren sets up the special study course that allows her to still earn the credits she needs to finish with a degree. Nick Manning plays Professor Zarren stiffly and like he can’t open his mouth fully, giving him an alien feel. Because he’s an alien. Greg (Chad White) – Greg is Sarah’s no-good boyfriend, who lost his job while cheating on her (thus hasn’t told her that he’s fired), spends money he doesn’t have on her, then cheaps out and renegs on promises to her. Also, he’s a jerk, if you haven’t picked up on that yet. Mr. Reynolds (Alec Knight) – A patient at the hospital who hits on Brandy, because he’s so bored lying in a bed all day.

On an alien planet in an alien galaxy full of aliens, Lo’Lee-tha is flunking out of alien grad school. Professor Zarren decides to give her one more chance. She needs to write a 100,000 word paper on human cultural relations, which she can research by traveling to Earth.

Professor Zarren injects her brain with some Earth knowledge and a cover story (You might ask why they don’t just inject her brain with all the answers. Well, obviously the aliens believe in working hard and learning knowledge the old fashioned way, not cheating to get the answers and promoting bad work ethics. Duh!) Zarren puts her in the magic transport tube (which we’ve seen in several prior Retromedia flicks) and zaps her some clothed and then she’s off to Earth!

Meanwhile at college, Sarah and Brandy’s senior year has just begun! Joe’s third senior year has just begun! This is why you don’t choose your electives via darts, Joe! Sucks to be you when your student loans come due! Lolita enters the class and sits right next to Joe, introducing herself to the three. Her cover is almost immediately blown for not knowing any details about Saginaw, Michigan. But to be fair, who really knows anything about Saginaw, Michigan? Joe is too lazy to remember how to pronounce Lo’Lee-tha, and just calls her Lolita, which sticks and gives a reason for the movie title to have the main character’s name wrong. Also, we’ll be calling her Lolita from now on, because, who seriously wants to type out Lo’Lee-tha all the time? I mean, I could copy/paste it, but that requires effort. And if there is one thing TarsTarkas.NET excels at, it’s not giving the slightest bit of effort!

Lolita says she just moved into town and has nowhere to stay. This is convenient, because the three friends all live together and need a new fourth roommate. So it’s fate, says Joe, even as the two girls look sort of wary at how weird Lolita acts. We all know Joe is just thinking with little Joe.

The trio show her the place, and Lolita continues to act weird, giving definitions of things like “hotel” when she needs to query it. Brandy leaves to go to work at the hospital, and Sarah goes off to work at the bar. Joe doesn’t go to work at the bar just yet, because he’s going to try to score with Lolita by inviting her out to the pool.

Relax, continuity-minded people freaking out right now that Lolita is wearing a bikini when she didn’t have any luggage, that bikini she now wears belongs to Sarah. She’s just “borrowing” it. She won’t be wearing it for long, because it is on-getting time.

At the hospital, Mr. Reynolds is a patient who wants to bang Brandy, who only refuses because she could get fired. Mr. Reynolds gets all grabby, but Brandy is totally down with it and tells she’d totally jump his bones if he wasn’t in the hospital. Needless to say, we also don’t know what Mr. Reynolds is in the hospital with. Hopefully it’s not anything that would kill him if he has sex with a hot young babe. Or maybe hopefully it is, if you’re into that sort of stuff. Might as well get started on the tombstone, you never know…

Joe tells Lolita that he wants to keep their relationship a secret, which confuses her, but she goes along with it. Lolita beams back to her home planet for a progress report. Se tells the Professor of all that she’s learned, especially about the sex. He’s heard of this sex thing, and is interested in learning more about. So she demonstrates it, and that table in the alien spaceship set gets another use.

Professor Zarren tells her she gets an “Outstanding” on her first report, and the Professor wants her to bone up on more sex, including watching the natives. Luckily for the Professor, this alien planet seems to not have any rules about student/teacher relationships.

The best lit bar in the universe makes an appearances. Seriously, I’ve never been in a bar that bright! Sarah’s broke boyfriend Greg complains about not having money even while pretending he has money. He complains this all to Joe, his best friend. Joe is sort of sick of carrying Greg’s water all this time, and Greg gets angry when Joe gives him the job listing classifieds. What a winner!

The next day at school, the roomies bicker about life, and Brandy reveals she had to show Lolita how to use a toothbrush.

Lolita goes to work with Brandy to learn about striping candy. Brandy tells her to be careful around Mr. Reynolds, though she’s totally bang him if she could. So Lolita uses psychic influence to make Brandy not worry about being caught, and then goes outside to keep watch so no one stops by. The door is locked and Lolita tells a doctor who immediately tries to open the door that she called maintenance about the stuck door.

It’s time for Brandy to give Mr. Reynolds a sponge bath! Hey, that’s not a sponge bath!! I wonder if this will show up on his hospital bill. Hopefully he has insurance. Lolita psychically snoops on the whole deal, because that’s what aliens do. Just remember, the next time you are having sex, lots of aliens are sneaking into your head and getting their rocks off. Lots of aliens. Lots.

At the bar, Sarah is upset that Greg has yet another homemade card and is cancelling their big date. Joe teaches Lolita about alcohol, in that he gives her some. Drunk Lolita then hits on Greg and reveals she’s an alien by traversing 5th dimensional space (aka putting her hand through the bar counter) She suggests he wants to have sex with her, so they go have sex. Later, she explains some of her powers, and Greg asks her to “suggest” to Sarah that she loves Greg and not money. Lolita agrees to try.

The next morning, Lolita is out sunning with Sarah (and suffering from her first hangover.) Sarah tells her that to keep a man happy, you keep his stomach full and his balls empty – that’s what her grandma told her! Sarah is far too strong-willed for Lolita to mentally influence.

Joe is perving on the girls out sunbathing when Brandy walks in, and she pervs on him! Lolita has taught her to not hide her feelings and go for it, and she has feelings for Joe. They end up hooking up on the couch while the girls are outside.

Lolita tells Greg that Sarah is too strong-willed, and she just wants Greg to be more responsible and grow up. Greg tosses out this advice immediately by tricking Lolita into 5th dimensioning herself into the cash register and stealing all the money.

Greg comes by the house to try to talk to Sarah, including a gift. A fancy necklace. It’s enough to get back in her good graces and into her goodies, as they grace some goods on the couch.

Lolita goes to report in to the Professor, who then shows her some clips of her adventures on Earth. The sex scene he shows is not the problem. The drinking is not the problem. The confessing to being an alien and then stealing are the problems. Lolita doesn’t remember any of that, having been drunk. But now she must clean up her mess!

Back on Earth, Joe spills the beans about Greg being fired after he sees the expensive necklace he bought for Sarah. Before that confession explodes into too much drama, Lolita then warps into the room in front of all four of the humans. Lolita explains that she’s from another world and that Greg is a liar. She tells how Greg tricked her to steal, and she returns the necklace and money via teleportation.

In the face of these shocking revelations, Greg bravely runs away!

Lolita’s time on Earth is up, and she must go, but she’ll miss everyone, and tells them all she’s learned from them about following her heart and being strong. She’ll miss Scarecrow most of all!

Before she goes, Sarah wants to get it on with her, so time for some more human sexuality studies. Consider this extra credit!

Lolita now must go, and gives everyone Lolita Amnesia so they forget all about her.

But just when you think things are all wrapped up, Professor Zarren reveals he was serious about Lolita writing that 100,000 word report! Off to go type for weeks! Poor Lolita, she’ll have carpal tunnel soon enough.

Lolita from Interstellar Space is some good cheap softcore fun. Nothing here to make you feel bad, and my only real story complaint is they seem to be in college arbitrarily, it doesn’t factor into the plot or even matter. The characters were done better than these films usually get, which is a good plus. Well worth actually paying attention to, besides the scenes most people only pay attention to.

Rated 7/10 (logo, bad grade, painting, doctor, who needs the drawer open?, bartender, fancy cup)

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