Monster of the Nudist Colony

2014
Written by James Rogers and Bruno Kennedy
Directed by Louis DeWalnut (as Steve Goldenberg)

Even the Monster is nude!

Monster of the Nudist Colony blends monsters and softcore sex mayhem into a wondrous combination that’s now available on your local premium cable channel. Monster of the Nudist Colony is a direct parody of The Beast that Killed Women, directed by schlock exploitation master Barry Mahon! Not only have I seen the film, but the Something Weird DVD paired with The Monster of Camp Sunshine was the first Something Weird DVD I ever bought. If you’ve never seen the various nudie cutie films of the 1960s, filmed back when it was legal to film naked people only on a nudist colony, and with nothing frontal below the waist, then prepared to be bored silly (example: Nude on the Moon) There are endless shots of people walking (with strategically placed towels), sitting (with strategically placed towels), and playing games like volleyball (with strategically placed towels!) The Beast that Killed Women shook up the formula a bit by adding a monster killing women (Barry Mahon in a gorilla suit) that substituted for the sexual release that endless shots of nudists playing volleyball would not deliver. In a way, it was one of the Roughies, the name for underground nudie flicks made soon after the exodus from the colonies that had increasingly violent edges (an example we’ve covered is In Hot Blood)

Thankfully, Monster of the Nudist Colony avoids all that violent stuff. The guy in a gorilla suit may gank women, but only to tie them up and make them dance for him! Honestly, it makes the film better, because this is supposed to be a silly parody, we don’t need violent acts perpetrated against women with what may be subtextual racism getting in the way! If anything, Monster of the Nudist Colony is a little too on the nose for it’s subject, to the point where it runs out of plot and fills the last 15 minutes with an all star super orgy. That certainly has the ending dance party seen on subpar animated films beat! If you pay attention, there is plenty of references to nudie flicks: people walking along nature trails with towels, a character who’s totally anti-nudity until they learn to cut loose and be nude, something threatening the security of the nudist colony, and even the occasional visit from law enforcement. What is different is all the sex sex sex! Nudie cuties weren’t allowed to have sex scenes, and official nudist colonies shy away from the sexual aspect of nudity, focusing on freedom. Monster of the Nudist Colony ignores all that and has Circle Double D’s Nudist Colony basically one step away from Hedonism II! Sidenote: the Double D’s Nudist Colony is filmed at the Malibu Dry Gulch Ranch.

And, sorry bigfoot-human sex scene fans, the Monster does not have sex with any women until he has been returned to human form. You might like Sweet Prudence & the Erotic Adventure of Bigfoot instead!

The film features extensive soundtrack work by RooBiE BreastNuT, not only working through the majority of their songs available on iTunes, but featuring a few news ones (including on that sounds written specifically for Monster of the Nudist Colony!) There is even a cameo by Roobie Breastnut herself! While fan favorite song “Pussy Pussy Bang Bang” is not used, you can hear: “I Want Your Love”, “Girls Like Girls”, “This is the Lust”, “Johnny Lapdance”, “Yeah, That’s Triple X”, “Porn to Be Alive”, “Peeping Jon”, “Hypnotika”, “Dance Dance Dance”, “Nudist Camp”, “Suck on This” and many more that can be found on Roobie Breastnut’s iTunes page!

Director Louis DeWalnut is a pseudonym for Steve Goldenberg, who has worked with Jim Wynorski on several of his softcore adventures. The writing is credited to James Rogers (I couldn’t figure out his prior credits) and Bruno Kennedy (co-writer of some of the Busty Cop movies)

Arch Hammer (Frankie Cullen) – Detective Arch Hammer is totally against being naked, but is totally for solving mysteries. Thus this mystery at the nudist colony disturbs him, but he can’t deny his police mentality, and goes in search of the mysterious Monster. There, he encounters a world he never knew, and if he ever drops his pants, will become part of that world. But will he? Mary Hammer (Melessia Hayden as Melissa Jacobs) – Arch’s wife, who is a bit more of a free spirit than him. So free she disregards things like marriage vows! But it’s all good in the land of naked sex orgies… Lucy (Angie Savage) – Lucy runs the nudist colony because the owner is missing and it’s also her job. She doesn’t discriminate, she has sex with the employees and the customers! Heather (Lexi Belle) – Nudist club member who has fun time relationships with some of the other members, and attracts the attention of the Monster. Joe (Ryan McLane) – Nudist club member who has a way with women. He’s sort of a jerk who keeps pushing Heather aside to run away faster from the Monster, and later puts the moves on Dana. Mike (TJ Cummings) – The porter at the nudist colony who gets luggage and makes drinks and has sex with everyone. The SoftcoreReviews boards said this might be TJ Cummings’ last softcore film! Dana (Bridgette B.) – Nudist club member who enjoys sunning herself, music, and sex. Tina (Samantha Ryan) – Nudist club member who is makeout friends with Dana. Captured by the Monster and forced to dance. Kerry (Britney Young) – Nudist club member who has a thing for Mike, which she expresses physically. Monster (Rickey Ricardo Smith) – The mysterious monster who terrorizes the camp by spying on all the sex going on, and occasionally stealing women for dance parties. Phases in and out of being human while the ladies dance. May or may not be connected to the missing heir Jonah Trout, who was put under an ancient Indian curse. Jonah Trout (Tony Marino) – Oh, that guy. Bonnie (Hannah Reilly) – Brunette woman who is walking in the woods with Crystal that enjoys a good argument and a good woods lesbian sex session. Crystal (Amber Ashlee) – Blonde woman who is walking in the woods with Bonnie that also enjoys a good argument and a good woods lesbian sex session. Cop (Roobie Breastnut) – A visiting cop who stops by to let the nudist crew know they need to lay off all orgies while monster reports are running rampant! Tennis Fan (Bailey Beetleman) – It’s a guy who looks more like what the average nudist colony member looks like. And he likes tennis! Bailey Beetleman also produced. Creepy Squirrel Puppet (himself) – These woods carry unspeakable horror. You don’t want to know! Stay on the marked paths.

Opens with Heather and Joe getting it on on a blanket in the middle of a field, and they have an audience, a gorilla/bigfoot/monster/guy in a gorilla suit! Eventually the noise of of the Monster’s growling overpowers the noise of their sex and they get scared and run away.
his growling scares them off and they run

The two explain what happened to Arch Hammer, who doesn’t like them nude people and seems unaware that he’s on a nudist colony, even after being teased by Circle Double D’s Nudist Colony camp director Lucy, who is also nude along with Heather and Joe.

Joe goes to get his phone and Heather and Lucy get it on, because that’s what happens at the nudist colony. It’s true, I saw it on a movie. Called Monster of the Nudist Colony.

Hammer is conflicted, he wants to solve the case, but there are naked people at the nudist colony. His wife Mary is more interested in naked people than possible yetis attacking people. And she brings her husband a hamburger, which makes her an awesome wife. Hammer declares they are going to go, and when Mary says they’ll have to get nude, he agrees under the condition that they don’t enjoy it.

Then they do something with each other that involves being nude and they can enjoy. Though at one point Mary is reading a computer program instructions manual, which is a bit of interesting foreshadowing…. Her variously being into it/being bored makes this scene a bit less fun than some of the others, but it’s important for story purposes!

The Hammers arrive at the Double D, and there are so many nude people it’s like a nude explosion! Mary whips off her clothes and keeps staring at dongs, while Hammer is uncomfortable but tolerates it.

They can’t check in, though, because while Mike takes their luggage, he then starts to get it on with Lucy before he shows them to their room. Seriously, this is bad service! Time for a one-star Yelp review! Despite Hammer and Mary watching and banging on the windows, the couple continues their lovemaking as Roobie Breastnut declares “I need your love, I got to have it”

Arch Hammer goes to check the woods, while Mary girl talks with the girls – Heather, Tina, and Kerry – and they gab about the handy guy. Then the four ladies get it on, nude in the pool at the nudist colony style. Song – “Girls like girls”

After they’re done, Kerry talks with Mike, who rambles on about his breakfast, and she tells him to shut up because she’s coming on to him. So he spits out his drink in shock(!), then they have sex in the pool that just had four people having sex in it (including Kerry!) All those membership fees must go towards paying the pool cleaner overtime! Song – “This is the Lust”

Arch’s adventure in the forest finds something weird: a creepy squirrel puppet! Also the Monster was watching him, but Arch is too spooked by the squirrel to notice.

Arch Hammer returns to camp to find his wife topless and tied up near a bed, like she’s being left as a sacrifice to a gorilla monster. He takes her down and they run off, and the Monster just misses getting his sacrifice. Despite this speaking to some sort of dark conspiracy in the camp of people who are sacrificing victims to the Monster, it’s never mentioned again and that isn’t a plot line.

Dana and Tina make out and do more than make out while naked on some towels in a field (Song – “Johnny Lapdance”) Eventually the Monster runs up and carries Tina away (he’s nice enough to wait for the song to end) and Dana faints in shock.

The Monster takes Tina to a shack, ties her arms up, and tries to get her to dance. So she does. As she dances, there are brief periods where the Monster flashes in and out as a human. Looks like he’s cursed, and the only cure is bouncing women’s hinders! Maybe he’s a reverse were-gorilla and needs a full moon (made up of butts!) to change forms. Yeah, that’s the ticket! I’m on to you, reverse were-gorilla guy!

Mike bumps into Mary in the hallway and in about two sentences they’re getting it on in a random bedroom (Song – “Yeah, That’s Triple X”) It’s going to take more than bringing a hamburger to make up for this!

In the woods two new girls – Bonnie and Crystal – are taking a stroll as the Monster spies on them. The girls are in the midst of a heated debate which determines that they are both sluts. So they get naked and have sex. So that’s why the Debate Club was always pregnant! (Song – a song that doesn’t have real lyrics so I can’t identify it)

Eventually after they are finished, the Monster growls and they run off. See, the monster is polite! He knows to wait for the right time….

Joe finds Dana fainted on the blanket and wakes her up to save her. By save her, we mean he wakes her up to save her from something that’s already long gone. Back at the lodge he pushes the “I totally saved you” angle while she’s listening to tunes, and they get it on (Song – “Porn to Be Alive”) But this sex scene is interrupted by a female cop! Who pulls her gun! Instead of joining in!

The cop chats with Lucy about how they could get in trouble with being an unlicensed sex club, and also because of an old Indian curse. After all, Jonah Trout the last heir to the nudist colony, is missing… And I’m sure it has nothing to do with the mysterious Monster who turns into a man when women shake their money-makers in his face.

Let’s take a break for some nude tennis. Breaks over, back to the show!

The Monster grabs Heather and ties her up next to Tina. He commands they dance, so they dance dance dance! (Song – “Peeping Jon”) More like Peeping Monster, but he does flash human a few more times. We need more butts. MORE!

Mary and Mike are still getting it on in secret, despite doing so in front of a huge window easily visible from the outside. (Song – “Hypnotika”) So of course Arch and Lucy wander by and see, Mary sees but isn’t ashamed enough to stop until after they’re done having sex. Meanwhile, Lucy finally convinces Arch to drop his pants and get naked, and then they have sex. (Song – “Dance Dance Dance”)

Soon more loud Monster roaring (as the double girl dance from earlier is still going on) gets the attention of Lucy and Arch, the Cop and Joe, and the other main characters, which means everyone is running random directions into the woods. Everyone is nude and more nude, depending on if they remembered their towels. They all converge on the dance party to see the Monster, except he’s cured! He confesses he’s Jonah Trout and he finally feels human again. It’s a happy ending, and it’s time to celebrate.

“If you want to get laid, everybody, just dance!” Lucy declares. So everyone does, and we have a dance party sex orgy ending that goes on and on, starting with a brand new song called “Nudist Camp” (that remixes the line by Lucy a few times) and then leading into other songs, including “Suck on This”.

The film is essentially over as the sex party begins, but if you want to see all your pairings that didn’t happen in the film proper, there is a whole bunch of them going on in the finale. As an added bonus, the closing credits are accompanied by shots of the nudist colony that are straight out of nudie cuties, with people walking and relaxing by the pool with their towels occasionally covering things.

Overall, Monster of the Nudist Camp was a pretty fun softcore flick, making up for the paper-thin plot by blotting out the sun with sex scenes. The very specific references to the old nudist films were much appreciated by me, a weirdo who has watched a few because you have to watch things to experience them. I believe I am making no bold statement when I declare Monster of the Nudist Camp far better than any of them. It’s a good flick to show that softcore has still got it, and there are still genres ripe for parody. While a bit slow and rambling at times, with plot points that might be going nowhere, overall the experience is positive and worth even casual fans checking out.

Rated 8/10 (MacGuffin phone, reading computer instructions while boning, I hope it’s not the Valley Lodge!, caught!, stained glass boning, hang up your hat, Not completely nude, Monster hands…)

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