Süper Selami

1979
Written by Yılmaz Atadeniz and Hikmet Eldek
Directed by Yılmaz Atadeniz

Who wants to watch a Superman parody where he’s a filthy old man and there is lots of softcore sex? Probably more people than you can imagine, hence the reason Super Selami exists and isn’t just a figment of your imagination! Aydemir Akbaş starred in a slew of softcore Turkish films through the 70s, many of which are probably ridiculously awful, but several of which are genre parodies. Thus the exciting Superman film that is Super Selami. There is also Astronot Fehmi, which is your typical weird guy goes to space and has sex with space babes movie, except Turkish.

This being Turkish cinema, the soundtrack is ripe with stolen songs: the James Bond theme, a disco Star Trek theme, and even an instrumental version of Somewhere Over the Rainbow. Several more songs sound familiar even if I can’t place them without help.

Aydemir Akbaş plays both the heroic Super Selami, but also the villainous Çengel. That way, he has twice as much screen time, four times as many sex scenes, and eight times as many eye rolls from yours truly. The rest of the roles are minor, and the women exist to either be evil or rescue bait, and all of them get naked a lot. There is a scientist working on something secret. He has a daughter named Ayşe, who is hot and Selimi’s love interest. The Professor’s assistant Nuray is a turncoat. Çengel has another evil girl named Emel on his payroll, mostly so he can have sex with her. Selami gets his powers from a mystical guru who lives in a cave. Everyone else is either a goon or even less important.

Super Selami is typical low budget smut, gaining interest only because of the fantastical elements of the Superman parody. It offers little of interest outside of historical curiosity, nor is it titillating. Luckily it’s so short, so my time doesn’t feel that wasted. A good rundown of all the times Turkey invoked Superman in their films can be found in our review of Süpermen Dönüyor. As usual with obscure Turkish fare, we went in native, without subtitles. But at TarsTarkas.NET, we don’t need no stinking subtitles!

Selami (Aydemir Akbaş) – Our hero is some dirty loser guy who flees into a cave and learns how to become a super hero from a mystical guru. The Super Selmai powers only work if he doesn’t have sex, which is sort of bad as this is a softcore film filled with naked women. Çengel (Aydemir Akbaş) – Villainous leader up to no good. “Çengel” means hook, which is the perfect name because he has a double-hooked hand. Has lots and lots of sex when he’s not up to no good. Unless you think having sex is up to no good, in which case he’s consistently up to no good. Wants to get a formula from the Professor, and resorts to kidnapping and spying to do so. Ayşe (Dilber Ay) – – daughter of the Professor (Muharrem Gürses) and love interest for Selami, even though he can’t partake in her love. She’s constantly being attacked or kidnapped by villains. There is a singer named Dilber Ay, I’m not sure if it is the same woman or not as this actress. Guru Superman (???) – – A guru who hangs out in caves in Turkey like all true gurus. He teaches Selami how to use the power of not having sex to turn into Superman with the uttering of “Shazam!” I think this is actor Kamer Baba but I am not certain.

Death to all mimes!

Çengel gets it on! That’s what he does. He also answers phone calls while having sex. Because he’s evil!

Selami is an average schlub who works at a warehouse and is incompetent at his job. But no so incompetent that he doesn’t know to run and hide when bad dudes walk in, set to the James Bond theme. Çengel is the leader of these bad dudes, and he kills two of his men for being failures.

Selami sees it and pees his pants, the large pool of liquid being enough evidence for the guard goons to know someone is around (one of the guards even tastes the pee!) Selami runs (set to the tune of a disco version of the Star Trek theme!) and is chased. Luckily Selami’s job in the city is right next to a huge cave in the countryside (what??), which Selami goes to hide in. Inside, a mystical Indian guru appears in a puff of smoke and begins talking to Selami.

The baddies come in, guns drawn. The Guru says “Shazaam!” and in a puff of smoke turns into Superman – wearing a domino mask! Guru Superman then begins beating the tar out of the bad guys, their bullets bouncing off of him. Afterwards, the Guru tells Selami the magic words, and soon Selami has turned into Super Selami himself! Huzzah!

Also, huzzah at a mystical Guru telling magic secrets to random guys!

Professor is excited because he discovered something, but his female assistant Nuray(Suna Sezer) acts suspicious. Because she’s Çengel’s girl! She finds his hook hand totally irresistible, soon Nuray and Çengel are getting it on. If you want to see a guy in red long underwear and a fedora whip a woman and make awkward sex with her while she pretends she’s enjoying it… Then you got problems. Also, get a copy of this movie.

The two goons who were beat up earlier by Super Guru decide they’re going to rape a topless sunbather – Ayşe, the daughter of the Professor! Luckily Selami is riding by. Eventually he pronounces “Shazaam!” right (getting it wrong means he’s half transformed!) Super Selami does the whole holding on to the car as it’s speeding off and thus doesn’t go anywhere bit that is in Superman and literally every Superman knockoff. He spits out bullets fired at him. Then he slaps them around a bit and saves the day. Hooray for slapping! Ayşe takes him back to the lab.

Çengel has more creepy sex. Meanwhile, Ayşe is writhing around on her bed, and Selami comes in and soon things are getting on in that place as well. But during their fun time, Selami wanders off and finds the traitor girl Nuray making a call. He catches her and ties her up. That’s heroic and all, but he just wandered away during sex, which is totally weird. It’s really really weird! This is the only time I wish there was subtitles just to know what the excuse was. I think, but an not positive, that he can’t have sex or he’ll lose his super powers.

Professor teaches classes, but they just involve him being laughed at the entire time by the students, and he’s kidnapped right afterwards. He’s tortured by being forced to watch lesbian sex!

Super Selami is a weird movie.

A kidnap attempt on Ayşe ends in Super Selami foiling it, but there is a second kidnapping attempt after some more sex scenes that is successful.

Çengel has the formula to whatever Professor was making, and ties up Professor and Ayşe on stakes to get killed. Soon Super Selami has to return and start punching people again. Punch punch punch. Selami Selami Selami.

Super Selami calls in the cops because it’s cheaper to have Çengel arrested by cops played by different actors than it is to pay for the special effects needed for the two characters played by the same actor to fight each other. Which really just requires a photo double and a good editor. Hey, editors aren’t cheap! We end with Super Selami wanting to sex up the girl, but being yelled at by the disembodied guru.

Will Super Selami defy tradition and have sex, thus losing his powers? Well, we didn’t get a sequel, did we? That Super Selami, he’s the Salamiest!

Son!

Rated 4/10 (calling, double hook, goon, traitor)

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