Housewives from Another World

2010
Written and directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Medina)

It’s been far too long. We need an application of Fred Olen Ray, STAT! Thankfully, Housewives From Another World is here to deliver us from the torment, the torment of not seeing one of Ray’s bikiniverse films on TarsTarkas.NET recently. Don’t laugh, this is a recognized medical condition. In that I edited it into a Wikipedia article on medical conditions before I was banned for “trolling”. But how is spreading knowledge trolling? Wikipedia is the true monster.

Housewives From Another World features invading aliens who possess some local women in hopes of sabotaging a satellite launch to prevent a war that ends up destroying their species. These women never regain control of their bodies, and are essentially dead. The aliens would declare that it’s all in the name of saving countless lives. So a moral choice is presented: Is it worth killing a few innocent people in order to prevent a genocide? Obviously, the aliens have made their choice. But did they really have to kill the women as they gain control of their bodies? And why not just gain control of Max, the designer of the satellite, and use his knowledge to sabotage all chances of it being launched?

It’s also interesting so see that the aliens travel back in time to Earth, instead of going to warn their own people to get them prepared. Or maybe they do, we just don’t see those characters. After all, some of the alien women leave at the end (with Max), and they must be going somewhere. The aliens may have advanced technology, but they have dubious planning skills (unless their technology only allows them to travel to Earth in the past!) and who knows what their time meddling may have done to history. Technology from the satellite may have saved the galaxy at some point, but the whole thing is tossed to save their skins. And let’s not even talk about how this would be a minor setback at best, human technology can easily catch up and eclipse the work of one man. Though that might mean the time sequence to discovery and war is very quick, perhaps enough that they will be able to develop defenses (heck, there might even be a Team B that is warning their own homeworld!) or even arming their own side, who may come to conquer Earth instead.

These ethical and mysterious quandaries add intrigue to Housewives From Another World. Also there are naked people who have sex.

Max (Frankie Cullen) – Works on the Orion Deep Space Satellite when he’s not cheating on his wife, Karen. Is the best worker in the program, and the boss constantly talks about how cool his is. Karen (Heather Vandeven) – Max’s loving wife, who is less than loving when she finds he’s been cheating around. Finds a meteor crater in a drunken stupor and is taken over by aliens from a distant world who are working to sabotage the Orion Deep Space Satellite to save countless lives. Carla (Christine Nguyen) – Fellow worker on the Orion satellite, but she’s nowhere near as good at her job as Max. Dreamy Max… But at least she’s better than Tom! Gets meteored last of the three female characters. Rita (Rebecca Love) – Unbright neighbor to Max and Rita, easily convinced to hop into bed with Max. Gets meteored and suddenly is much smarter. Because she’s an alien, and not Rita. Tom (Billy Chappell as Tony Marino) – Oh. This guy. Mr. Roberts (Ted Newsom) – Boss at the satellite company, he really rides his employees to do their all, but only Max is good enough to get anything done. Undercover Agent (Ron Ford) – This totally cool looking guy who is trying to buy the satellite plans off of Tom for suitcases of cash is definitely not an undercover agent for the FBI.

A meteor heads to Earth! But enough of that, Max is boning Rita! This is bad, because he’s married to Karen. Who has just arrived home (and sees the meteor crash nearby) and then interrupts Max and Rita post-coitus. Max tries to apologize and blame his job and stress.

Karen is like “Loser! Ride the couch for a while and I’ll drink this bottle of Jack!” She stumbles outside, sees the meteor crater, touches a piece of meteor debris — and is zapped! And not in the Scott Baio way!

Karen picks up the other pieces of the meteor and goes inside. She looks at her sleeping husband Max like she doesn’t know him, and goes to take a shower. A shower that involves lots of self loving.

When done, she talks to Max, saying that it was her fault he cheated, that he has an important job working on that satellite and he totally needs to get that satellite done ASAP and satellites are important and thus it’s her fault for working and not being there for him to bone when needed. He’s confused, but decides that’s no big deal when she strips down and relieves some stress.

Satellite boss Mr. Roberts yells at Carla and Tom because they suck compared to Max, especially Tom. Boy does Tom suck. Tom hatches a satellite plan that he will share with Carla in a bit. It’s a very complicated plan.

Max feels guilty that Carla and Tom are getting yelled at, and invites them over to his place for drinks. Karen is eager to have Carla come by so she can give her a meteor piece. Not suspicious at all..

Tom’s big plan is to try to steal the satellite plans from Max’s desk, but he sucks at it. Good thing these complex plans are still giant pieces of paper and not digital files in the Year of Our Lord 2010!

Tom works for a mysterious guy in a fez and goofy glasses called Agent, who paid tons of money already for the plans that Tom is too dumb to steal.

Karen has invited Rita over…to meteorize her! Now Rita is an alien, like Karen! Yes, we knew they were aliens taking over these female bodies. Karen then teaches Rita the Earth practice known as….”sex”!

At the dinner party, Tom sneaks off and snags the plans, and then demands double from Agent via phone. Karen walks in and has sex with Tom in exchange for him explaining about the satellite plans (This sequence features the Dun dun dun song that is the best song in the Fred Olen Ray films!)

Rita then meteors Carla. What Max is doing during all this, I do not know. Tom doesn’t take the plans with him when he leaves, because he sucks. He really does suck. Why are you so terrible, Tom?

The next day, the three female aliens debate what to do. Their planet will be discovered by Max’s Orion Deep Space Satellite, leading to a war where most of them die. SO they got to stop the satellite and debate what to do about Max. They will probably take him with them, as it’s better than killing him. But first, let’s all have a lesbian threesome! Okay, Karen mostly watches, but it’s technically a threesome because three people were there!

Tom breaks into the house to steal plans and also watches. Then he pulls a gun. This isn’t how most porn scenarios like this go, but let’s keep an open mind. Tom grabs the real satellite plans and bounces. Geez, Tom, you couldn’t even seduce all three of them and then take the plan after you’ve exhausted them all? You really do suck, Tom!

Karen calls Max to let him know so he can deal with it. Tom trades the plans for money from Agent…but plans are fake! And Agent is an FBI Agent! Totally busted, Tom. You suck, did you know that?

Meanwhile, Karen transforms into Max so the alien Carla can have sex with a male.

Max comes home, finds the real plans, and learns Tom was arrested. Good that things worked out for Max despite him not doing anything. Rita takes him to see “Karen” (as Max) and Carla in bed. Karen/Max explains everything, how they are aliens who have taken over these bodies, and how Max is going to go back to their homeworld along with the Rita and Carla aliens. But Karen is going to stay on Earth a while and have some more sex!

And that’s how we close. So, is Karen 100% the alien (and thus really dead), are the two consciousnesses merged, or is something else going on here? A mystery scholars will be debating for ages to come. Because scholars will totally care. Okay, a mystery that I and like maybe one other person will debate until I get bored and debate something else.

Mystery!

Rated 7/10 (arriving, a cool plant, never forget, the best laid plans…, art, ID, Space-tacular!)

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