Sex Pets

aka Lost and Found

2011
Story by Eddie Powell
Written by Mona Sunoy
Directed by Eddie Powell

I know you purposefully hid my dog to spend more time with me, but you did it while wearing a beret!

Hey, remember that movie Lost & Found, about a guy who helped his hot neighbor find her dog, while the dog was at his apartment the whole time? Well, a movie called Lost and Found was filmed in 2011, which was basically the hardcore porno version of Lost & Found. And thanks to the magic of creative editing and filming a few alternate bits, Sex Pets is the softcore version of Lost and Found. So, yes, Sex Pets is a softcore version of a hardcore version of a David Spade romantic comedy. You got to wonder how many films can claim the same thing, and my guess is a whole zero.

Yes, 19 boxes filled with framed pictures of me with my dog. Why does everyone thing that’s weird?

Sex Pets follows the same basic plot (though it doesn’t later get complicated like Lost & Found does) with a guy sick of the hookup culture making friends with the newly single hot girl next door and her friendly pooch. Egged on to craft a web of lies by his friend Steve, David lets Jen believe that her dog Boz is still missing after he’s found it just so he can spend more time with her. Because we have to make time for the sex scenes, the plot never gets too complicated, and you know from the start that Jen and David will end up together. The sex scene feature minimal music, often there is no noise except the acting of the actors. I would even say it is too quiet in the background.

Sex Pets is one of those films where I cared more about the plot than I did about the sex. Which is an odd thing to say about a movie called Sex Pets, but it is the truth. One thing Sex Pets does have is some cool cinematography. It looks amazing!

That’s the worst Mpreg Brony art I’ve ever seen!

David (Xander Corvus) – 20-something slacker tired of the hookup culture and looking for a relationship culture. But instead gets involved in a pile of lies with his neighbor, Jen, and instead of crafting a believable lie to get out of it easily, instead screws it all up. Luckily, the plot dictates he’s adorable enough for Jen to give him another chance. Spoilers. Jen (Allie Haze) – Newly divorced woman who now lives for her dog, Boz. Boz runs away because Boz likes to initiate complicated romantic comedy plots in his spare time. Ends up sending lots of time with nice guy David as he helps her find her dog, not knowing she’ll be ultimately betrayed. But Jen seems to like betrayal… Vicky (Kimberly Kane) – Steve’s girlfriend who realizes her boyfriend says and does dumb things from time to time, but is in love with him regardless. Also tries to correct the problems her boyfriend and David cause. Steve (Chad Alva) – Steve and his girlfriend Vicky spend almost their entire screentime playing video games. I would say this character was an exaggeration, but I know many many many many many many many many people his age who do the same things. Steve is the one who has the bright idea to lie about the dog to spend more time with Jen. Meg (Lexi Belle) – Jen’s friend, an overly-excited creative artist. Lexi Belle is the Anna Kendrick of softcore versions of hardcore versions of mainstream films. Roger (Tony De Sergio) – Meg’s boyfriend, who is somehow more weird. Girl 1 (Zoe Voss) – Woman David is having sex with at the beginning of the movie, who is not interested in a relationship. Boz (Boz) – Boz the dog is like always high or something. And then he gets lost. Jeez, Boz, get a grip!

Finally a film captures a true slice of life of 20-something America!

The dog and I will be the newer, non-racist Jeff Dunham!

People we don’t know are exchanging bodily fluids! Eventually we find out they are David and Girl 1. I guess she was named by a robot? Girl 1 is not interested in a relationship at this time, and not interested in learning David’s name.

David is depressed, and seeks solace in his roommate Steve, who is too busy highfiving David for getting laid and too busy blasting people on Halo to care. Steve’s girlfriend Vicky gets annoyed that her boyfriend is such a pig, and declares she’ll find a girlfriend for David. It turns out Vicky doesn’t need to look beyond the sidewalk, as the new hot neighbor Jen is out walking her dog.

Vicky makes David get the paper, where he runs into the dog Boz, and then the owner Jen, and David acts like he’s never talked to a girl before and can’t even get his own name right. David, David, David…

Jen’s friend Meg wants Jen to have some retail therapy, as she’s newly divorced and newly moved. Meg all but forces her to go, which is enough time for Boz to escape the house and end up in David’s yard, where David finds him. Steve instantly concocts the fake missing dog plan, which David tries to avoid by returning Boz, though no one is home.

A rather nicely shot sequence of Jen returning home, finding Boz missing, and then panicking and racing through the house searching for him follows. The panic in her voice as she knocks on doors is easy to ear. Steve goes ahead and hides Boz, so David can now work his magic being charming while trying to help Jen find Boz.

Meg paints abstract art of Boz to use as lost dog posters. Then Meg and her boyfriend Roger have an art styles argument, which is their way of flirting before getting it on, which is what they do next.

Jen feels like used merchandise because she’s divorced, and says she has guilt issues. David tries to make her feel better by having them give up for the night and make flyers the next day.

M-O-N-A L-I-S-A

Needs more Lisa!

Meg shows off her very weird and abstract posters the next day, Jen suggests she put them up downtown so more people will see them, allowing Jen and David to put up the real flyers in the neighborhood. The second Jen and David leave, Steve and Vicky get it on. This is the only break from video games Steve will even take, but the second they finish, Vicky then Steve take up their controllers once more.

David begins to feel guilty, but Steve makes him feel worse by pointing out the huge snowball of lies that has happened so far. Jen throws out the “you are a nice guy” card so David will be more guilty and Jen more betrayed with the truth comes out.

And the truth does come out, as Boz barking spoils the whole thing! Jen is as betrayed as I just said she would be, slapping David and calling everyone else deranged. As an aside, Steve is wearing a shirt that says “I eat pussy like a fat kid eats cake”.

Jen feels guilty that she was angry, while David just sits on the couch not bathing and holding Steve’s Red Bull for him. Vicky forces David to go out, where he realizes all the easy to pick up girls at the bar are no comparison to Jen. The slow jazz that plays as a depressed David drives home sounds like it’s from the Peanuts holiday specials.

Vicky tries to convince Jen that David is dumb but not a bad guy and it’s mostly Steve’s fault also let’s play D&D sometime, but Jen doesn’t listen.

The dog Boz is depressed, because the dog misses David. I guess they bonded when we weren’t paying attention, but it’s enough of a plot mover for Jen to leave Bozg outside David’s house with “I Miss U” on his tag. Jen and David talk and then get it on, so we know all is well at least until Jen finds out what David did with her cat!

It does give you wings!

I found your dog…in your vagina???

Rated 6/10 (It’s that Jesus fresco all over again!, dog obsession, dog posters, dog, dog tag, dog photo)

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Email us and tell us how much we suck!

I’m gonna totally make a bong out of this dog!

420 K9 4 Lyfe!

I call it Boz Transcending into the Heavens

Have you seen my dog-brand tampons?

Dude, she dissed the beret, it’s not worth it!

The exciting world of Sex Pets!

You know what you need, is to have sex. With a pet!

Mumble mumble mumble Sex Pets!

Looking for a missing dog is like having a date be a giant game of hide and seek