A Field Guide to Cantonese Fantasy Monsters and Creatures

A Field Guide to Cantonese Fantasy Monsters and Creatures

Just imagine: One day in ancient China, you are wandering around the forest while on a quest to find 1000 Iron Fist Li, when suddenly you spot an unknown creature in the distance. Is it a friendly face that will bestow ancient knowledge? A pet of a mad monk sent to destroy you? Or a fearsome warrior guarding a passage to valuable treasure? Now, you can easily find out what creature you spotted and learn the information you will need to return to the Golden Swallow Tea House to tell tales to impress Jade Phoenix, the Purple Warrior of Fire Mountain.

This Field Guide to Cantonese Fantasy Monsters and Creatures will provide you with the identification information you need to make an informed decision as what to do when encountering a fantasy monster or creature. You will learn what the ancient masters know, with facts culled from ancient tombs and recent scientific expeditions.

The ever-growing Field Guide to Cantonese Fantasy Monsters and Creatures will be updated as more fantasy creatures are discovered upon watching more old wuxia flicks. Names and scientific names are often conjecture or assigned by the guide. The guide is not responsible for inaccurate information that results in injury or death. Do not let this guide fall into the hands of the Spider Clan or Master Liu Fan-bei of Lohan Peak by order of the Emperor.

Name:Condor Scientific Name:Gymnogyps giganticus Appearances:Buddha’s Palm Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, and Part 4 Height:6′ Weight:155 lbs Description:The magical Condor of Master Ku Hon-wan, the Wicked God of Fiery Cloud, is Master Ku’s loyal companion in the four Buddha’s Palm movies. Condor also saves two of the main characters from assailants, both of which Master Ku adopts as his own children. After Master Ku’s death, Condor refuses to leave his grave. He’s probably still there now.

Name:Yeti Unicorn Thing Scientific Name:Mugato hugo Appearances:Buddha’s Palm (Part 1) Height:6′ Weight:195 lbs Description:A shaggy brute with white hair and a giant horn sticking out of his head. Yeti Unicorn Thing can spit lasers that instantly skeletonize his target. His horn is the location of a major artery. Yeti Unicorn Thing’s blood has healing effects upon scar tissue. A guardian of dragon root along with his long-term life companion, Shaggy Bat T-Rex. Killed by Lung Kim-fei.

Name:Shaggy Bat T-Rex Scientific Name:Tyranosaurus shagadelic Appearances:Buddha’s Palm (Part 1) Height:6′ Weight:165 lbs Description:A nut who flaps his wings and likes screeching louder than a pack of 3 year olds. Guardian of the dragon root, along with his long-time companion, Yeti Unicorn Thing. This guy can’t even fly, what a chump! Killed by Lung Kim-fei.

Name:Evil Snow Macaque Scientific Name:Macaca saru saru Appearances:Buddha’s Palm (Part 1), (Part 2) Height:3′ Weight:85 lbs Description:Member of an evil martial arts cult that battles the heroes several times. Evil Snow Macaque is invincible to swords, but his eyes are a weak point. Uses monkey-style kung fu. A good poster boy for teaching monkeys not to join evil martial arts cults. Killed by Condor, his body is left in a field because no one cares for Evil Snow Macaque.

Name:Mutant Chicken Dog Lizard Scientific Name:Pocketmonsterus whatdafrak Appearances:Buddha’s Palm (Part 1), (Part 2) Height:2’6″ Weight:185 lbs Description:Two Mutant Chicken Dog Lizards appear in the Buddha’s Palm series. Goiter Wizard carries them in reserve and unleashes them during battles. One is set on fire and burned to death by Lung’s dragon wand, the other is killed by Condor and left in a field. When burnt, the Mutant Chicken Dog Lizards emit dancing dark skeletons for some reason never explained.

Name:Cool Block Robots Scientific Name:Robotus cardboardboxus Appearances:Buddha’s Palm (Part 2) Height:6′ Weight:250 lbs Description:Guardians of the prison underneath Suen’s compound where Lung Kim-fei was held. These cool robots have a lot of drawn on effects like circle rays constantly coming from them, and they wave their arms around like they’re floating in space. Lung fights them, but the robots are invincible to swords and can pinch really hard. The heroes just run away. These robots are awesome. One robot is named Larry, the other one’s name in unpronounceable by humans and unable to be written by a 2D font.

Name:Bird Bat Monster Scientific Name:Guardianus flapflappus Appearances:Buddha’s Palm (Part 3) Height:6′ Weight:165 lbs Description:Bird Bat Monster is a guard dog pet for Lau Piu-piu, the helmswoman of Heavenly Fragrance Sect. Is sent to take down undesirable intruders and the occasional door-to-door salesman. Killed by Lung Kim-fei. Another chump who can’t fly. What is it with bat dudes who can’t fly?

Name:Mythical Dragon Scientific Name:Dragonis beardi Appearances:Buddha’s Palm (Part 4) Height:5′ Weight:400 lbs Description:A bearded dragon who resembles a Monoclonius dinosaur. His tongue has magic medicinal powers. Is the pet of a master who dresses as a skull-faced caveman. They totally get high all the time together, then go on munchie rampages eating everything they see. Mythical Dragon screams the Godzilla roar, because he has no originality.

Name:Crimson Python Scientific Name:Snakus eyemeds Appearances:Buddha’s Palm (Part 4) Height:2′ Weight:195 lbs Description:Fire breathing monster who lives in the bottom of a pit with a bunch of frogs. But his peaceful life comes to a quick and bitter end when some so-called “heroes” show up to kill him and rip out his eyeball for “magic”! Poor Crimson Python, you will not be forgotten, despite the fact you are really a frakked up gila monster and not a python.

Name:Not Godzilla Scientific Name:Gigantis falsi Appearances:The Invincible Yuanyang Swords Height:8′ Weight:450 lbs Description:The King of Monsters sired some sort of bastard child while vacationing in China, and the poor monster gets killed dead. Is called a “dragon”, even though he’s not a dragon in the slightest. Is murdered by magic, because reality can’t defeat even a son of Godzilla!

Name:Yin-yin Scientific Name:Gorilla gorilla yinyini Appearances:The Swords of Tien Shan Height:5’6″ Weight:350 lbs Description:Awesome gorilla who lives with Iron Arhat and screams an all too human scream. Likes to do good deeds. Is a good pal, and a great dancer!

Name:Beast King Scientific Name:Gorilla gorilla leo Appearances:How the Ape Girl Stole the Lotus Lamp Height:5’6″ Weight:350 lbs Description:A great ape. Actually, a captive of White-haired Nun and pitted in gladiatorial combat against her students! Where is the ASPCA? This poor gorilla. Someone tell Yin-yin his distant relative was unjustly killed so he can avenge. Murdered by students.

Name:Monkey kids Scientific Name:Lophocebus kidsinsuitus Appearances:How the Ape Girl Stole the Lotus Lamp Height:3′ to 6′ Weight:70 lbs to 180 lbs Description:Group of monkey kids who hang out atop a mountain with the vague responsibility to guard a magical root, but in reality they are guarded by the real guardians who make sure the monkey kids don’t get into trouble.

Name: Tree Spirit Scientific Name: Appearances:The White-Bone Sword (Part 1), The White-Bone Sword (Part 2), The White-Bone Sword (Part 4) Height:‘ Weight: lbs Description: A spirit who controls the weather, has a magic sword stuck in its body, and is outfitted with mouth sparklers! If you control the White-boned Swords, you can call the Tree Spirit to murder your enemies, though since you ordered it you are still just as guilty, so don’t think it lets you get out of the guilt factor, bub!

Name: Animated Skeleton Scientific Name:Homo sapiens sapiens (reanimated) Appearances: The White-Bone Sword (Part 1) Height: 5’10” Weight: 98 lbs Description: Ghost Mother sends this animated skeleton to attack the heroes. It can shoot animated flames from its mouth. Totally not a prop guy off camera waving a skeleton around on a string.

Name: Awesome Excited Gorilla Scientific Name:Gorilla gorilla awesomei Appearances:The White-Bone Sword (Part 3) Height:5’5″ Weight: 300 lbs Description: Excited gorillas are the best gorillas, especially when they are excited to find wounded people that their master can then rescue. Awesome Excited Gorilla belongs to Old Develish Eccentric, because of course he does. He’s far too awesome to be owned by anyone else, and you can bet he’s only owned voluntarily.

Name: Skeleton creeps Scientific Name:Homo boneitis Appearances:The White-Bone Sword (Part 3), The White-Bone Sword (Part 4) Height:5’4″ to 6′ Weight: under 100 lbs Description:An army of Skeleton creeps that guard the rare plant White-bone Grass. Can defeat one master warrior after a prolonged struggle, unless she’s backed up by a hopping vampire army!

Name: Fire-spitting Deadly Dragon Scientific Name: Dragonis spitteri deadlyus Appearances:The White-Bone Sword (Part 4) Height:30′ Weight: 500 lbs Description: A dragon who hangs out at Devil Mountain, he’s either part of Chung Ching’s group or he just chills on Devil Mountain and is angry when people bug him.