My Horny Girlfriend

aka Big波誘惑 aka Big bo yau waak

2002
Written by Lee Hai
Directed by Patrick Leung Saan-Bok

None of these other women made their bathing suit out of old jeans…

What do you do when you get a Category III film that tries to become a serious drama about malaise of modern life, finding yourself, depression, romance, swimming, and being contrarian just to show up cute guys on vacation? Not wonder why it is a mess, but wonder if the mess is worth checking out. The answer to that is more of if you are used to or willing to deal with Hong Kong Category III drama nonsense. It’s the kind of film that you can find acted and written a dozen times better all over the vcd shelves, but those films will also follow a predictable pattern. My Horny Girlfriend takes more risks by taking less risks. That’s a true statement, because there is a story buried beneath a bunch of junk, but also a lot of fan service that probably came from a clipboard list of what to do.

Grace Lam spends most of the film in a pouty mood, never happy. Not fun to be around at all. So that makes her the perfect leading lady! Her character is clearly suffering from some sort of depression, and she’s not the only one in the film. But she is the character with depression who still goes out and does stuff. And while some of her motives are unethical at best, the interaction, going outside, and just being around other people who aren’t just using her for sex helps Grace grow into a better, fuller person.

Hello? Nothing, what are you doing?

In fact, almost every female character in My Horny Girlfriend has some sort of mental issues making them depressed. The only character who isn’t is Pamila, and her personality is extreme in the opposite end where she’s always perky and down for anything. But she also uses sex as a weapon to teach “lessons” to women she doesn’t like. Pamila is the most manipulative character, and her humongous labido drives the plot as much as Grace’s fumbling attempts to continue to get her way in an environment that doesn’t hold her hand. Pamila is a big fish version of what personality Grace is, and her more bubbly personality opens doors and gives her powers that Grace’s sour tone can’t match.

Besides the nudity, the film also features lots of girls in bikinis. Almost every character is in a bikini or less for 90% of their screen time, even the men are often in swimming suits. The director and writer are probably pseudonyms, while producer Cary Grant obviously is. Grant’s other three films are Emmanuelle in Hong Kong, Forbidden Wet Tales, and Tortured Sex Goddess of Ming Dynasty. After that, he either switched fake names again or left the movie business with empty pocketbooks. Who knows? Only “Cary Grant” and possibly the ghost of Cary Grant, who was haunting “Grant” as revenge.

Not now, my ninja headband slipped down!

Grace (Grace Lam Nga-Si) – A modern working girl, who is porking her disgusting boss for promotions in a decidedly unmodern fashion. After he sends her on vacation as a reward, she spends the entire time pouting, angrily wanting a man she can’t have, and angry at a stupid lesbian who she ends up having sex with several times regardless. Her anger and her libido combine to form a double-team of sexploitation stereotypes. Gordon (Oscar Lam Wai-Kin) – Lifeguard Gordon just saves women from drowning all day, many of which then become lifeguards in his training school. Gordon is weird. Cult leader weird. If you ever hear about dozens of lifeguards committing suicide, you know who to blame! Pamila (Yumi Ohsako) – Hello, there! Have you seen my breasts? They are huge. Gigantic. Massive melons! I have no character development, but I do manage to get these breasts popped out all throughout the film. Breasts. Big ones. On me! I’m dubbed because they outsourced the big breasts to Japan. I’m also a lesbian, with huge bazoongas! Did I mention that? The film will… Eddie (Eddie Lam Kim-Fung) – Swimming fan with an old leg wound, which makes him have bad swimming form. He’s an old friend of Gordon, as they were on the swim team together as kids. Gordon dumps him with Grace to get rid of her. Dawn (Bessie Chan Ming-Kwan) – Dawn runs the bar at the beach where the cast hangs out between sex scenes. She carries a fish around in a beer mug all the time. Is depressed and being stuck in a film called My Horny Girlfriend doesn’t help her depression one bit!

I had a nightmare I was in a movie called “My Horny Girlfriend”!

JJ Abrams did some work on this film!

We start out with Grace having sex with her disgusting boss at the office. He declares she is his new mistress, so the first thing he does is give her a long vacation. I’m sure there’s some sort of logic to this (maybe he’s so delusioned that he thinks she needs rest and recovery before they can go for round 2…) Grace uses that time to go to the beach, where she somehow falls into the ocean. She is rescued by a lifeguard named Gordon, who does nothing but save hot girls all day, then running a lifeguard class usually filled with students who were former hot girls he saved from drowning. Some guys have odd hobbies. Grace is told this by bar owner Dawn, who is sort of a matriac character, though not really.

Grace signs up for the class because she has nothing else to do on her beach vacation. The class is packed to the gills with women Gordon saved, including a woman named Pamila whose bikini fails to contain her. She also immediately asks Grace to put lotion on her chest. Grace ignores her while pretending to check her makeup.

For some reason life guard training involves a lot of running. I think the reason is Baywatch.

I WILL fix the plumbing!!!

All right, maggots, good job making a U shape with your height. Tomorrow we do a W!

Grace is a sour pill the entire training, constantly being annoyed at Pamila and then tripping the entire group of women while they run. In the locker room, Grace runs her mouth and insults big breasts, declaring the superiority of smaller boobs. She finds a note from Gordon in locker to meet her at a warehouse, where she’s put in a blindfold and tied to a chair under the direction of Gordon’s voice.

Except it’s not Gordon, it’s Pamila doing an imitation of that tape recorder scene from True Lies! Not that it matters, as her and Grace are soon getting it on, enemies style.

Grace is still pouty the next day, refusing to even swim without a life preserver. Gordon kicks her out for the day. Dawn tells Grace that Gordon is like that because he doesn’t make excuses for girls who are pretty, which is sort of a good character trait. Of course, Gordon is as human as the rest of us, and Grace discovers this when she spies him and Pamila getting it on behind some rocks. Grace watches and fantasizes she is the one with Gordon. Grace is not used to not getting her way, and she’s not used to a guy not bending over backwards for her. The fact her perceived rival has Gordon is enough to send Grace into a rage. She has crazy evil eyes! The eyes of hate.

Despite all my rage I’m still just a rat in a cage!

The warehouse where all swing music originates!

Grace spots someone in trouble while swimming and swims out to save him, only to realize the guy just has a bad swimming stroke and now she is in trouble and he has to save her. His name is Eddie, and he’s friends with Gordon because of course he is. Gordon pawns off Eddie on Grace so she will have to look after him, as Eddie is pretty poor at doing that himself. She makes herself at home at his place, later he goes running and she sleeps in the car, dreaming of Gordon in an odd fantasy where he acts like a jerk, probably like all the other guys she’s ever been with, and it is so jarring she wakes up in shock.

Grace is more determined than ever to make Gordon hers, so her next plain is to set up a sex trap to ensnare Pamila, thinking evidence that she’s running around will draw Gordon to her. This also makes little sense, but she manages to get Eddie to go along with it (by throwing things at him until he agrees) and Grace prepares to film the whole thing.

Next day, things not going according to plan. Pamila is late, Grace seems to be in her line of site many times but Pamila is either too dense to notice, or doesn’t seem to care that her friend is obviously trying to secretly video tape her. Then they get to the sex, where Grace still running around with the camera, and Eddie it talking to her, yet SOMEHOW, Pamila doesn’t notice anything. Really. Nothing at all. Uh huh.

That rock is hurting those poor people!

Yet another Disney image in a Hong Kong Category III film…

Eddie isn’t into it, until….Grace joins in! Then it is go time, and threesome time, and ménage à trois time, and two girls one Eddie time, and Miller time. Time to make the donuts. Time is on our side, yes it is.

Will this episode changes anything? Nope! Is Grace still angry at everyone? Yep!

At a celebration at the pub, Dawn ends up drinking a lot, and her and Eddie become connected because they are both lonely and wounded (him physically with a leg injury, her emotionally by her boyfriend that dumped her.) But their conversation turns mean and Eddie storms off.

Eddie finds Pamila buried up to her neck in the sand for reasons never explained, and she’s naked for reasons never explained, and they have sex on the beach where the tons of sand that must be all up in every crevice don’t bother her at all for reasons never explained. For added sanitary fun, there is a vibrator lying around the beach that get incorporated into the action. Yeah.

It’s MY girlfriend that’s horny???

You two go ahead, I’ll just awkwardly try to hug you both…

After their session, Eddie finds out Dawn wasn’t dumped, instead her boyfriend killed himself in the sea so she wouldn’t sell her pub to pay his big debts. Eddie then realizes Dawn is probably swimming with the fishes now and runs off to try to find her, but her fish is dead and she’s missing.

Grace has to return to work, but Eddie comes by her office and soon they’re together and she returns with him to the beach. Eddie now runs the pub Dawn owned, and has made a new drink called Dawn of the Sea. Grace gets dragged to a volleyball game and is forced to have fun, while Eddie reads a meaningful passage in Dawn’s diary, as we end.

It’s important that Grace doesn’t end up with the guy she spends most of the film striving after. He’s not the character that is good for her, he doesn’t even care about her except on how her lifeguard skills will reflect upon him as teacher. Beyond that, he just sees her as an annoyance to be pawned off onto others. As her temperament becomes less crabby and she begins to open up, being with Eddie who is similarly healing from his physical ailment and getting over the guilt he feels over Dawn is a match that will work well as both characters continue to grow in their lives.

And now I’m a real wizard!!

Rated 4/10 (Lookout rock, the poor fish, Surgeon General’s warning, lifeguard trainee)

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