Samantha’s Sexy Summer
2006
Written and directed by Francis Locke
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Can you hear me now?
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Another Torchlight Picture that takes place mostly in the middle of the desert! Except they have ditched the random archaeology or photography themes and instead are using a vacation theme. National Lampoon’s Desert Vacation. But don’t worry, this has all the Torchlight Picture/Francis Locke motifs:
- The desert
- A run-down hotel
- A long shower sequence in the run-down hotel
- Sex scenes bordering on 15 minutes long
- Dialogue in-between said sex sequences bordering on 2 minutes long
- Music by Blade Simpson
The pair of women in Samantha’s Sexy Summer have more silicone and collagen injections than an entire baseball team of Tiger Woods mistresses. And since the both play their identical twin sisters, it’s a quad dose of fake boobs!
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Feel the sexy summer!
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If you ask “Can you hear me now?” one more time, I’ll hunt you down and gut you!
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We get shots of a windmill (the Aeromotor!) and two chicks fully nude sunning themselves in the hot desert sun for our opening credits visuals. The same women and a guy are now lounging in chairs in a different part of the desert. That’s because it isn’t the same two women, but the film doesn’t bother to tell us it is their twins until later. First, the actual “plot” of the movie starts.
It’s run down desert hotel time! Raycene is naked on the bed and being defeated by the TV remote in a battle of wits. That is not an exaggeration. Meanwhile, Samantha is off to the shower to also be completely naked and for some shower masturbation fun time action. She’s like those scrubbing bubbles, if you catch my drift. The constant nudity is a joy to everyone except people like me who need to cull enough safe for work screencaps off of this picture that we don’t violate our ad network policies. At the conclusion of the self-loving action, Raycene is still being defeated by the evil remote control, which will not allow her to turn on the TV. Was she really trying to turn on the TV for 5 minutes?
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Feel the sexy!
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Raycene complains about the “summer in the desert” idea, and also says Samantha’s twin sister also thinks she is crazy and it is all because of Marty, who had a fling with her in the desert and wanted to find old rock carvings. So they have lesbian sex! 8 1/2 mins of it!
When we are done, the two chicks lesbian sexed each other so hard they are now out in the desert sunning themselves! And the two girls are also with Marty! Wait, it is just both of their twin sisters along with Marty. Yes, Samantha and Raycene both have twin sisters. Samantha gives Marty a call and the pair spend the entire phone call arguing about who is at the right ruins in the desert. They each demands the others go find them, and then Samantha and Raycene have more sex for 8 minutes.
Marty calls for more smug arguing, and we get this classic exchange:
Samantha – Why are you being so concrete
Marty – Why are you being so titanium?
Samantha – Titanium?
Marty – Tougher than steel, baby!
Marty proposes they look around their various spots in the desert to try to prove they are at the right spot. If he wins, she’ll drive to him naked. No word on what happens if she wins. Add that to the fact neither of these women have worn clothes at all yet and that bet would have probably happened regardless.
Samantha’s twin sister Dean, who we know is a different character because her hair isn’t in a ponytail, must now put on some sun block because she’s been out in the desert forever. We can see she has all the same tattoos and shaving and rings and breast enhancements that her sister has, because of twin stigmata or something.
Soon, Marty joins her, his underwear was the only piece of non-towel clothing worn by a principal cast member thus far, but it is now shedded like a snakeskin as his skinsnake gets action. They have around 8 minutes of uninspiring sex while I guess Raycene’s twin sister just continues to do nothing.
Raycene and Samantha are wandering around the ruins still completely naked except their shoes. After around five seconds they give up and call Marty to complain, who just brags about having sex with Dean and then hangs up because Dean and Raycene’s sister are getting it on in an abandoned shed for another 8 minutes.
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What? What are you saying? I can’t hear you now!
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The next phone call is more complaining, and Marty tells Samantha to get on top of some ruins and look around for landmarks. Landmarks. In the desert. So eventually Samantha and Raycene start wandering around again. Yes, they are still naked.
They find a chest with a note – from Marty “and both twin sisters” – yes, they still don’t call their sisters by their names – and inside the chest are costumes and digital cameras for them to put and and play with and take photos of each other. This is the only softcore movie I have ever seen that has a plot point of getting naked actresses clothed.
Marty and the twins are two miles away and the entire thing was an elaborate prank to get these two girls to fall for their “leave a suitcase filled with costumes and cameras so they’ll film us a sex show after we make them think they are not where they think they are” ruse. A classic prank used all the time! George Washington once pranked Cornwallis with the same thing, single-handedly winning us the Revolutionary War when the Cornwallis/King George sex tapes were released.
The weird Indian/tribal costumes in the trunk will be the only clothes these chicks wear, and were probably picked up cheap during an after-Halloween sale at those temporary Halloween stores that sell sexy versions of every costume in existence. But they somehow don’t have Sexy Cookie Monster on this desert experience. For shame!
This would have made Samantha’s summer the sexiest ever!!!
The two adult actresses improvise themselves a clothing try on session with some good random lines like Raycene crowning Samantha “The queen of the Big B ruins” Raycene also declares everything “hot” or “f’in hot” and there is some story about a Jack O’Lantern I didn’t quite get before the girls break into another lesbian sex session. If we harnessed the energy of these girls’ libidos we could power the world twenty times over!
After several more lesbo-sexalicious minutes it is time for one last phone call. They call Marty and admit defeat, he’s going to come to them for some more sex action. But instead he’s busy having sex with the twin sisters – who we know are the twins because Dean’s hair is down while Raycene’s Twin’s hair is up. You see, I have spotted the twin differences because I am a professional twin differences spotter. I am world ranked and was an Alternate for the 2012 Olympic team, but I’ll be at Rio de Janeiro 2016 for sure thanks to an injury from front runner Lance Michealsson, who was mysteriously assaulted in the eyes. There is no truth to the rumors I hired a guy to beat Lance in the eyes. No truth at all!
So the last 15 minutes is just random shots of these three getting it on, so I guess they never make it back to have sex with the other girls. And we never find out Raycene’s twin sister’s name. So we at TarsTarkas.NET will name her. Her name is Forkmonster 5000.
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She’s….uh…power yawning. Yeah, that’s the ticket!
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Rated 5/10 (Aeromotor!, costume, costume, silo that’s in many other films, can you hear me now…..that I have a shirt on???!)
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