Bikini Pirates
aka Harlots of the Caribbean
2006
Written by Fred Olen Ray
Directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Medina)
You would think that one day we’ll get to the end of the Retromedia Bikini films, but you are wrong. They are being made faster than I’ve been getting copies of the films, so they’ll continue to appear on TarsTarkas.NET forever! Luckily, they are pretty entertaining, hence why they continue to appear and I haven’t given up and started reviewing The Dead End Kids films. (Okay, the Dead End Kids films are pretty good, too… Some of them.)
Bikini Pirates features a small cast, and thanks to moving the action to the remote woods, the small cast feels natural and not like they’re avoiding plot points on purpose to hide from hiring a bunch of extras. So a good call there, though it does keep people like Ted Newsom from popping up, which is sad. The opening credits play over stock footage of diving scenes set to a Pirates of the Caribbean-ish theme song. As most of these Retromedia Bikini tales open with credits over cgi effects or stills that have been run through Photoshop filters, this is a colorful and interesting diversion.
To keep from listing the prior Bikini films over and over again in the roll call below, we’ve switched to linking to the actor’s tag so you can just click that and see everything they’ve been in that we’ve covered so far:
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Dusting and Joe are diving into wrecks in the ocean thanks to the magic of stock footage, while talking to Jill via radio. Just ignore the fact that they’re using diving equipment that you can’t really talk on the radio while using. We will not be over-thinking Bikini Pirates too much.
Time to head home, as it’s Sex-in-the-shower o’clock! Dustin and Jill have sex in the shower to celebrate this historic time.
When they’re all clean, Dustin gives Jill a necklace made with a gold coin he found in one of the pirate wrecks. Neither notices the necklace give off a flash when it is put on.
Dustin, Jill, Susan, and Joe agree to go to Dustin’s cabin in the mountains after they’re done with the wreck so they can have a dive-free vacation. Joe and Susan celebrate by doing the type of packing that doesn’t help get things ready to go on vacation…
Dustin’s cabin is an often used exterior in Retromedia flicks, probably best referred to as Jack’s place from Tarzeena.
They prepare for a barbeque, and Dustin shows Jill another thing he found on the wreck – the diary of Morganna the Pirate! And the cover looks like the Necronomicon from army of Darkness! The diary also has a very detailed map to Morganna’s treasure, featuring locations such as Cape Fear, Mosquito Swamp, and Morganna Lagoon. The landscape looks just like the land the cabin is on, coincidentally enough! Coincidentally on purpose.
Jill begins to read the diary, and we flashback to Morganna and her female captive/lover (Cassie Young) who stole her pearls. The captive gets the lashing. The tongue lashing! Jill enjoys herself while reading this saucy tale.
Jill later reads a passage about contacting the spirit of Morganna and Tygus the pirate captain. So she wants to hold a seance. Not sure how Morganna wrote about contacting her spirit after she died, unless she was so dedicated to her diary that she wrote entries while a ghost! Takes a new meaning to the term “ghost writer”…
It’s seance time! “This is stupid” says Joe, and I agree. Joe and Dustin break into mocking mode as the women totally get into it and attempt to contact Morganna. Lo and behold, it works, and Jill is possessed by Morganna! She threatens to haunt them if they go after the treasure! When Jill wakes up, no one tells her she was possessed and she remembers nothing.
That night, Jill reads more of the journal and Morganna’s sexcapades, while Dustin drifts off to sleep. Morganna repossesses her, and finding Dustin in slumber, goes into Joe and Susan’s room to have sex with them instead! Joe and Susan know what is going on, but go with it anyway.
Dustin awakens when they’re done and sees them sleeping. He’s mad, but says nothing.
Morganna and Captain Tygus teleport back into the world of the living in the middle of the forest. Two Captain Jacks off the port bow! They’re going to follow the group so they can claim their treasure.
The quad squad go in search for the buried treasure at some park in the LA-area—I mean, in the woods by the cabin, as the music that is totally not the Pirates Of the Caribbean theme plays. So we get a lot of shots of them wandering around. Eventually, they start bickering and fight over the threesome from the night before, but everyone agrees to let it slide because Jill was possessed.
The gang gives up for the day and heads back tot he cabin, where Jill is quickly kidnapped by Captain Tygus. He takes her back to Morganna, who “interrogates” Jill in a lesbian sex way. Tygus tells the rest of the group about Jill’s capture, and that they will trade her back for the map in 1 hour.
They make the trade…and Tygus gets the treasure box, which was buried right where the trade took place! He doesn’t dig it up, he uses magic to zap it to the surface. Convenient! The treasure…is a teddy bear! Holy Bobo, Batman!
The group then buries the necklace Dustin gave Jill, as it has the souls of the dead it in. That’s actually respectful, and it works, because the ghosts leave. But not without giving Jill a parting payment…a bag of gold pieces!
Back in the afterlife, the ghost pirates have sex…ghost pirate celebration style!!!
And now you know the true story of Bikini Pirates! Be sure to tell your friends and neighbors!
Rated 9/10 (magic coin, Captain Jack’s, shock, boredom, magic bridge, confusion, oh really?, the treasure, Hmmmmm…..)
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May 29, 2012 at 10:44 am