Home Alone 5: Alone in the Dark

ABC Family put out a press release that should shock you, if you get shocked by direct-to-cable sequels to former mega-franchises:

ABC FAMILY ANNOUNCES START OF PRODUCTION ON THE LATEST MOVIE IN THE HOME ALONE FRANCHISE SET TO PREMIERE IN CHRISTMAS 2012

Burbank, CA (March 15, 2012) – ABC Family and Fox TV Studios announced that production has begun on the latest installment in the popular “Home Alone” franchise, starring Malcolm McDowell, Debi Mazar, Edward Asner, Eddie Steeples, and Christian Martyn. The movie is set to premiere as part of the network’s annual “25 Days of Christmas” programming event.

In “Home Alone 5: Alone in the Dark” eight-year-old Finn (Martyn) is terrified to learn his family is relocating from sunny California to Maine, and the scariest house he has ever seen! Convinced that his new house is haunted, Finn sets up a series of elaborate traps to catch the “ghost” in action. Left home alone with his sister (Jodelle Ferland) while their parents are stranded across town, Finn’s traps catch a new target – a group of thieves (McDowell, Mazar, Eddie Steeples) who have targeted Finn’s house. Produced by Fox Television Studios, the movie is directed by Peter Hewitt (“Garfield”), and written by Aaron Ginsburg & Wade McIntyre (“The Finder”).

Now, I know what you are thinking: there was a Home Alone 3 and 4? Yes! Home Alone 3 featured some random kid and some random family, and is best ignored. Home Alone 4 is the real tragidy. It brought back Kevin McAllister and the rest of the family (all recast), minus a few siblings because actors are expensive. And also dad left the family for another woman, so now Kevin is part of a broken home. And then they recast Daniel Stern with French Stewart (they did offer Stern the role first, he has still not stopped laughing….) and ignored Joe Pesci’s character and added a woman and a few other goons. And it was a proposed pilot for a tv series which never happened because the film was awful awful awful awful awful awful awful. And awful.

But I’m sure this sequel will be awesome, what with the name being the same as a Uwe Boll film! It does have Malcolm McDowell, so maybe we’ll get this: