Korean Terminator

aka 터미네이터와 형사 곰팽이

1992
Directed by ???

Terminator Beyond Thunderdome!

It’s time once again for a Korean kiddie comedy that will make you beg for a bullet to the brain to ease the pain. Korean Terminator is just as awful as you think a kids Terminator film would be. Like most of these Korean children’s films, there is a ridiculous fat guy who is supposed to be comedic. We saw one in Super Batman & Mazinger V, and there is one here. Though I am not 100% sure, I believe these are the spawn of D-War director Shim Hyung-rae’s character from the Wuroimae films, which were popular enough many of these similar films ganked from them just as much as these Korean kiddie films ganked from Japan and America. There are also often characters with some random stylized anime characteristics, most notably a red nose or drawn on freckles or eyebrows, which I think is an artifact of many of these films having their subjects stolen from anime/manga properties. Though other films will be a mix of live-action and cartoons, Korean Terminator is 100% live-action, so the anime people don’t really seem to belong and make the film much more surreal than it should be.

Lady, you ask me about my salvation again, and I’ll Terminate you!

It looks like you can thank Jademan Comics Co. for this travesty, as that is the only thing in English in the “FBI” warning before the picture. Which is sort of funny because of the blatant copyright infringement going on in the actual movie. But do not steal this movie that steals so much from so many! If you are a time travel fan, you will be sad to know there is no time travel in this Terminator! There is only a guy who is turned into a Terminator by a crazy scientist who does stuff like that. Every once in a while there is an action sequence befitting a Korean children’s film, the rest of the time is mostly unfunny comedy. But we won’t get anywhere without knowing who we’re facing! I have no clue who any of the actors are or who even directed this. It was a minor miracle finding the Korean name of this film, which doesn’t seem to have an English translation beyond Korean Terminator (which is only the first part of the actual title!) There is also at least one other Korean Terminator ripoff film made around the same time, with a completely different cast.

The true story of Real Doll vaginas!

Terminator (???) – Terminator was just your average guy who like Paula Abdul until he’s murdered by goons, then he’s rebuilt into Terminator. The pre-Terminator guy doesn’t exist long enough to even get a character name! He spends most of the film wandering around until commanded to be good by Professor. Professor (???) – Professor has a device the bad guys want. He also rebuilds people into cyborgs instead of taking them to the hospital. Never get a paper cut near Professor, or you will have robot arms before you can scream! Photographer Girl (???) – A lady photographer who was going to talk to Professor right before he was kidnapped. Gets involved in the attempts to rescue him and stop the bad guys. Yeong (???) – A goofy cop who spends most of his screen time making ugly faces and falling over himself. It’s hard to tell some times who is more annoying, Yeong or the Fat Evil Sibling! The Evil Siblings (??? and ???) – The most annoying bad guys ever! The fat guy in the cowboy hat stutters and spends most of the film talking tough and then getting blown over by a gentle breeze. His sister is the whiniest woman in the world. Thankfully they both die.

I won’t be back! *SOB!*

If you don’t sing along to Paula Abdul, you aren’t a true Terminator!

We open with a squad of goons run by some evil siblings targeting a Professor who has a suitcase with a valuable electronic component in it. Professor also has a pack of bodyguards, though they’re losing the fight. Professor runs and hides under a car in a parking garage. The owner of the car is a nice young man and gets in his car, then sits and rocks out to Paula Abdul’s Opposites Attract on the radio, no doubt fantasizing dancing around with his own animated cat partner bantering a song about how they’re totally different but still in love. But his dream is shattered before its time when the goon squad and the Evil Siblings come into the garage to search for the missing Professor.

After a far far far too long scene of the baddies searching the parking lot with the Paula Abdul song blaring in the background, they annoy the guy in the car by touching his car and acting indigent and making silly threats. So he just starts punching them and beating them up.

I like this guy!

It’s Tweedle-Dum and Tweedle-Dumber!

It wasn’t the beatings, it was the Paula Abdul!

Sadly, there are so many goons even Rocky couldn’t beat them all, the last goon beats him and he’s KOed. Then they just leave, forgetting they were looking for the Professor with a suitcase. Professor comes out and looks over the man, I can’t tell if he’s already dead or supposed to be dying, but instead of going to the hospital, Professor takes him to his lab!

Not only is Professor turning this guy into a Terminator without his concent, he calls the local newspaper office to tell about them! I think it is a newspaper office, but there are police working there was well. Is it a police newspaper? So confused. Professor sews up mechanical stuff in his body, and for some reason has stripped him to his undies and wraps his head in bandages. Then Professor goes to play video games, and is immediately captured by the Evil Siblings and their goons.

It’s so hot in here after I installed that warp core behind me…

And Korean Terminator takes a trip to Pervo Town!

Terminator wakes up and puts on the leather Terminator jacket and outfit Professor left for him, then unwraps his head revealing…the exact same head he had before. Totally pointless. A Female Photographer comes by for the newspaper interview with Professor, but Terminator ignores her and leaves. She sees no one is home and calls back to the office, and the Chief sends the lazy Clumsy Cop Yeong to help investigate this mystery! They look around the house/lab. At some point in this scene there is a slow-motion zoom to a cuckoo clock as the bird screeches that makes no sense at all! Unless it is a message from the director that this whole film is cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, and is a cry for help. I will save you, anonymous Korean director from 20 years ago! Okay, maybe not. But I might have…

Terminator is walking down the street when some annoying kids drive a remote controlled car into his foot! Sadly, he doesn’t terminate them. He just wanders around town as sad saxophone music plays. We demand more terminating! Blood and guts! The Evil Siblings and their goons attack the Photographer Lady, and Terminator is there. The annoying fat brother embarrasses himself trying to attack him. He also embarrasses the audience. Terminator defeats them all then just walks away.

This is still better than Terminator Salvation.

Terminator hate RC cars!

He was later banned from being within 500 yards of any woman

Later, six goons in suits literally encircle and attack Terminator, and he beats them all. The boss bad guy who outranks the Evil Sibling then appears with an offer for Terminator, which includes dinner. Boss Bad Guy must be hoping to get lucky! Photographer Girl and Yeong bumble and sneak into the house and save Professor. They call in reinforcements and the cops raid the place, but the baddies are long gone by then, now hanging around a power plant or somewhere similar, where they steal a computer chip from the safe.

Later the baddies wander around a storage yard filled with shipping containers. This generic background is superior to many stacked empty cardboard boxes, but is still a sign that there will be an action sequence here and they couldn’t get a permit to blow stuff up in the city. The Evil Siblings get into a huge fight where she slaps him silly. I now cheer for the sister! Fat Brother pulls out a gun when he spots Photographer Girl and Yeong, but his sister thinks he’s aiming at her and they end up shooting each other dead

YES! Best movie ever! Bring them back alive to kill them again!

Now we’re the opening credits of a sitcom? What’s going on??

40 tvs and they’re all playing Teletubbies!

The cops come to have a shootout with the rest of the goons from the gang. But the Terminator is still loose and fires a rocket at the cops that does nothing. Professor has a control chip and tries to activate it, it sort of works and Terminator walks away, but is still with the remaining bad guys when they trade the stolen computer chip to the Ultimate Bad Villain, who is dressed the nicest of them all, so we know he’s the most evil.

But Terminator is getting a funny feeling in the head, and heads home because the broken control device is finally working – he punches people who try to stop him out of the way.

This is why you need to bring a baggie when you clean up after your Terminator!

Terminator responds to allegations he knocked up more of his maids!

Professor gives him a hug when he shows up and shows off the new Super Terminator motorcycle he made. Terminator now gets on the bike and heads back to the bad guy base, though the bad guys flee to an abandoned construction site, because once again we can only have an action sequence somewhere where you can blow stuff up without causing damage.

As Terminator is the Terminator, the bad guy guns barely have any effect on him, and he has a huge gun of his own to blast people with. There is an explosive remote controlled car that blows up the bike, but the Terminator knows what is going on because of those kids long ago, and doesn’t get blown up. Though that makes no sense, because their car didn’t explode. So never mind. In the end, all the bad guys are killed, and everyone is happy, especially the audience when Terminator crushes Yeong’s hand as they shake on a job well done. Suck it, Yeong. Suck it.

Terminator hate construction!

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