psycho shark

Psycho Shark (Review)

Psycho Shark

aka Jaws in Japan

2009
Directed by John Hijiri
Written by Yasutoshi Murakawa


Psycho Shark is the worst thing to come from Japan since shotacon. Don’t Google that at work. Or ever. And don’t watch Psycho Shark ever, because it frakking sucks. It sucks even at 2.5x speed, and the same amount of things happen, which is nothing. Since large portions of the film is one character watching other characters on video and fast forwarding, perhaps the film is telling us what needs to be done. I answered the call, but I still had to watch Psycho Shark, so the effort was for naught.

That shark sure is psycho! This is the movie where the shark stabs someone in the shower.

Okay, that’s the easy jokes, neither of which are true, so let’s get to the actual review of this plotless piece of shark dung. Originally called Jaws in Japan, the title was changed to Psycho Shark to cash in on the lucrative psycho demographics. Or something. Maybe the distributors thought people would avoid the film because it was Japanese, and took the foreign name out of the title Except the Japanese bikini babes are the main non-shark selling point, so that makes little sense. I’ll give this as much thought as to why they changed the name as the producers of Psycho Shark took in making Psycho Shark a good film: none!

What we have here is a found footage mess masquerading as a shark attack film with lots of attractive Japanese chicks in bikinis. How unique, as it is almost impossible to find Japanese chicks in bikinis anywhere in this day and age of the internet.

Miki (Nonami Takizawa) – The member of the friends duo who isn’t stupid, and enjoys spying on people who are taped. Eat your heart out, reality tv! Miki figures out something is wrong, but then a big bad shark shows up and ruins everything. Except the film, that was already ruined. Nonami Takizawa is a gravure idol and we threw up a gallery to get cheap web traffic. So click on it so I can act all smug and stuff.
Mai (Airi Nakajima) – The member of the duo who isn’t interested in spying on people and is totally interested in dating creepy guys. Also can be a jerk.
Kenji (???) – A creepy guy who works at the hotel and gives out free rooms to hot chicks. This somehow makes him a babe magnet, because women love guys who make minimum wage at a hotel. He’s so creepy he should be in Creepies. Or Creepies 2.
Creepy Girl (???) – She is possibly Miki, but it is dark and I don’t care so I’ll never know who she is. Nor do I care. A framing device that’s not needed. I should call her Appendix Girl.
Psycho Shark (CGI from your old Vic-20) – This giant shark shows up too late and too cheap for me to care about him. And just how is he psycho? Or is he just at a motel where people get killed like in Psycho? The world will never know, because I don’t care enough to ask Mr. Owl the answer to that question. So let’s just go with “Three”, that’s a good answer!

Adventures in Texas and beyond!

As many of you know (okay, like 3 of you), I recently took a road trip to Tyler, Texas for my sister’s wedding. As I currently live in the Bay Area in good ol’ California, this is quite a drive. Why did I do it? Because, amazing as it seems, it still saved us money over flying down there and renting a car.

The road trip was also a chance to go to some states I hadn’t had the time to get to yet, Arizona and New Mexico. And there were a few sites along the way that turned out interesting, though most I saw just on the way back due to being less pressed for time. We took Interstate 40 for most of the trip, along what was once the old Route 66 route. The last town in California along that way is Needles, home of Snoopy’s brother Spike. I did not see him in town, but kept an eye out for him. We stayed at the Needles Inn on the way out, a nice cheap place run by a nice lady that unfortunately has some of the thinnest walls. It was cheap, clean, and I can sleep through that, though my wife is the type that will wake up if you are breathing too hard.

One thing you will notice about Arizona and New Mexico is that it is very pretty. Then, after around 1/2 hour, you will get bored. Very bored. Especially Arizona, which despite having a few national forests was largely scrubland desert. New Mexico shook things up a bit with a few rock formations that were cool. We stayed at the most awesome Travelodge ever created in Santa Rosa, NM. Everything there was brand new but it still had the cheap Travelodge price.

As for Texas, let’s just say the thing about everything being bigger in Texas isn’t true. Everything in Texas is pretty much just like everywhere else. Sure, they got Whataburger, but we got In-N-Out. But all your favorite chain stores are in every city, a feature that has turned most of America into a giant clone stamping of city layouts. McDonalds, RiteAids, Walgreens, Targets, Wal-Marts, Budget Inns, Motel 6s, KFCs, everywhere and everywhere. Even the specialty boot store we went to in Tyler was part of a large chain that stretched into most of the Southwest.

One thing that is bigger in Texas is the traffic jams, specifically in Dallas, which was also undergoing repair work on the roads we were driving through. Downtown Dallas does have lots of giant ramps that are like a maze of intersections, which is sort of neat provided you aren’t lost and ramping to God knows where.

Tyler was pretty nice, it had the mid-sized city feel that reminds me of my home in Illinois. In fact, were there snow on the ground, much of it would have been indistinguishable from Illinois. My only regret is not having enough free time to see a movie at their still operational drive-in theater.

Culturally, Texas was pretty much just like everywhere, though with a lot of people driving giant trucks. Most of who live in the city and their truck was spotless, so it sure wasn’t for work. I guess when gas is considerably cheaper mpg is less of an issue. Most Texans are nice, but Tyler is pretty white, and I think we counted three Asian people seen in our time there. My wife is Chinese, so there were a few stares, some are probably just curious, but it was uncomfortable enough to notice. We also had experiences such as a store clerk who chatted away with everyone except us in her line, which was odd. Again, those incidents were more exceptions than the rule.

The hotel we were at was nice, and had the best breakfast bar of any of the places we stayed. It also had a waffle maker machine, something that is more common than you would think in hotels. You get a cup full of waffle batter from a dispenser, then put it in the waffle machine and flip it over. Then wait for the timer, and you waffle is done! Easy as pie. Or waffles! Most places had “continental” breakfasts, but those continents were more like uncharted desert isles. At one place, my breakfast was a Honey Bun and some coffee! I was so excited when a Motel 6 had cereal…

We left Texas the day after Christmas (Boxing Day for those of you who worship Box Jesus) and headed back plus one Mom in the backseat. Without a wedding to get to, we could spend more time looking around. Our first overnight on the way back was Amarillo, and we ate at the famous Amarillo Steakhouse, home of the famous 72 ounce steak challenge. Despite Amarillo being somewhat large, the Amarillo Steakhouse seemed to be the only place in town anyone was at. It took over an hour of waiting to get a seat, which I don’t have that much of a problem with as I’ve been to busy places before. There was a gift shop, a shooting gallery game, and…that’s about it.

But we finally get a table and…the waitress doesn’t seem to know a thing about the menu. It’s not like the menu is huge, it’s really simple. But she didn’t seem to believe that they served shakes. She then went all Houdini on us and we waited almost another hour for our food. In the meantime, we examined the decorations on the walls around us. More deer heads than deerheads.com! Also some elk, bighorn sheep, moose, and other animals. Our seat was a prime location had someone actually been doing the 72 ounce steak challenge, but no one was so it was just an empty stage. The guys wandering around playing music by tables didn’t seem to want to come near us, either, despite the almost an hour it took for our food to arrive. Most of the food finally did (we are still waiting for our bread!), but we had to demand some of the sides and the steaks were cooked wrong, but not wrong enough to send it back (I usually don’t send steak back anyway because of all the horror stories.) The steak…..wasn’t very good. We had better steak in Tyler, and even better steak in downtown SF (for less than half the price, I might add) so the evening ended up being pretty disappointing.

One cool thing about parts of Texas for those of you not from the area is where cotton is grown, there will be cotton debris by the side of the road for miles and miles. Hey, I think it’s cool, and therefore it is.

We got out of Texas and made it to Albuquerque, the town you can never spell the name of and Weird Al made that long long long long long long long long long long long long song about. Downtown Albuquerque is pretty happening, we ate at a cool pizza joint then headed over to their zoo for their River of Lights or whatever. That was pretty neat, with dozens and dozens of light up decorations, many animated, scattered throughout much of the zoo. Parts of the children’s zoo by itself is pretty neat, with a giant castle and dragon theme. Why dragon statues are in the zoo, um…yeah. But the light up stuff was great, including this neat guy:
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Arizona don’t have much to brag about except some parks which we skipped due to how out of the way they were, and can you believe how much going on that glass thing that’s over the Grand Canyon costs? It’s crazy, let me tell you. So forget that, let’s just stay on I-40 and go by dozens of Indian art dealer places, each one you know is coming up because there are like 50 billboards. One good thing about the SouthWest shops we were in was I now know what kachinas are and some of them are pretty awesome.

We did stop at one place – Stewarts Petrified Wood Shop!
Because it had GIANT FREAKING DINOSAURS!!!!! WOOOOOoooOOOO!!!
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Also ostriches….
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Arizona also has Elk Crossing signs, in addition to the deer crossing signs we all know and love. The elk I saw was all far enough away from the road to not concern me, but the several dead elk we saw along the way proved that even elk wander onto the highway to suicide. I can’t even begin to count how many dead things we saw along the side of the road, I even saw my first armadillo in the wild dead on the side of the highway. Coyotes, deer, elk, raccoons, possums, cats, dogs, tires, and birds lined the side of the road wherever we looked.

Back in Cali-land, we overnighted in Bakersfield, home of like 300 motels that were all build in the 50’s and 60’s on the same road and all advertising Color TVs! Most of them look like they weren’t renovated since the 60’s as well, and we ended up in a Travelodge.

In Bakersfield, we also visited the CALM zoo, which only has animals found in California. Including this guy:
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California is also home to Boron, California, complete with 20 Mule Team Road. Yes, this is where Borax was based. They had a neat greasy spoon/Mexican place that was good eating. Driving past Bakersfield is plenty of cool hills and valleys, and even trains that run along side the road and go into lots of tunnels. And we saw a double rainbow, but didn’t go all weepy like that idiot on YouTube.

Finally, we made it back home and I got to spend a week doing touristy stuff with my Mom, who by this time has been out here enough we were running low on new touristy stuff. Though there was the Curious George exhibit at the Jewish Museum. Did you know the Curious George creators H.A. and Margret Rey escaped the Nazis on bicycles then wrote a book about a spotted rabbit that was used to reeducate the Germans on how to not be evil Nazis? It’s true! There was also some girl writing a Torah, but she wasn’t there so we got to see an empty room. Exciting stuff!

So now the adventure is over and it is back to work.

Superman Japanese kaiju

2010 TarsTarkas.NET Year in Review

2010 was a banner year for TarsTarkas.NET (they all are, because we’re jawesome!) which saw the most activity yet of our six years.

The biggest news is the Politisink spinoff site, the Wingnut Web feature growing into a monster that demanded its own domain name, so we gave it to it! We got two lawsuit threats so far, which have caused the usual laughing in response to the baseless claims.

Over the summer, we decided that Mambo just wasn’t going to cut it anymore as a CMS, and begun the painful conversion to WordPress as our CMS. Actually, it was relatively pain-free, aside from losing six years of links and Google rankings. Our Google rankings got nailed even further thanks to a hacker attack that happened shortly after the WordPress conversion, the hacker operating out of the Ukraine (and probably an automated bot) inserted malicious code via the message board that pretty much is unused except among the writing staff. So that was a headache and a half to fix, but no permanent damage was done and despite thousands of access attempts a day from Ukrainian computers, we defeated those mofos!

Tragedy struck the Tars Tarkas household as both the desktop computer and a laptop computer decided to go to computer heaven. The laptop’s death took about 15 written reviews with it, reviews I hadn’t uploaded to the site yet as drafts because it was right after the hacker mess and I hadn’t gotten around to it. We’re also down to just one computer at home, this lack of computers becoming obvious as updates have slowed, sharing being caring, but not good for updating sites constantly.

As for content, besides the constant flow of movie reviews, we also began video reviews with the Discount Puppet Explosion 411 series and began podcasts with Todd of FourDK. The podcast series now has a name (which will be revealed when the next one is uploaded) and the video reviews are doing better than I though a series where a Cabbage Patch Kid with a fake mustache being waved at the camera would. 2010 is also the only year we’ve skipped a theme/Godzilla month, but one will return in 2011 along with possibly a makeup month. Maybe. Some films are still deep in storage, but I have a scheme to get around that.

2011 will be a banner year, and will bring: More reviews. More videos. More podcasts. More cult movie news. More random articles. More films you never heard of. More films you wish you hadn’t. More intensely-researched films from countries with rich history of cinema not well known in the West. More quickly-written sarcastic pieces on softcore fluff that will get 100x more views. More typos. More more more. Enjoy the more.

2011 might even see me get around to making banner images for the main site and the blog. My copy of Photoshop died with one of the computers, but some of the free software is getting pretty good and I have some images saved for use in eventual banners. But then, 2012 might be a good year to make banner images, I hear it will be a banner year…

The jawesomeness….continues!

Superman Japanese kaiju

Adventure of the King

Adventure of the King (Review)

Adventure of the King


2010
Directed by Chung Shue Kai

Adventure of the King is way the hell better than Flirting Scholar 2. Why am I bringing that up? Because Flirting Scholar 2 was made along with Adventure of the King as part of the same group (Chinastar’s 5510 production plan – 5 years, 500 million yuan budget, 10 films), and is a sort of spinoff from Flirting Scholar 2 (which is a prequel to the Stephen Chow film Flirting Scholar) Adventure of the King is also an adaptation of the play The Matching of Dragon and Phoenix, which has been made into film several times, most recently as Chinese Odyssey 2002. So just imagine that Micheal Bay directed Romeo and Juliet and had Sam Witwicky wandering around going “No no no no no no no!” just because he wants to set classic plays in his universe.


Flirting Scholar 2 was absolutely awful. The worst films are bad comedies, because their entire reason for existing is to make us laugh. Failing at that becomes a big ball of sadness that can rarely be fixed by just going to town and mocking the film. Flirting Scholar 2 had no reason to exist except to make money off of dumb people who thought Stephen Chow would show up. He didn’t. It is basically a Hong Kong version of those Jim Carrey-less Jim Carrey movie sequels like Ace Ventura Jr., Dumb and Dumberer, and Son of the Mask. With that wonderful film as the opening movement of the 5510 plan, one would think that things would only go downhill from that low valley. How wrong I was!


Emperor Zhu Zhengde/Lee Siu-Lung (Richie Ren Xian-Qi) – He’s the emperor, and he had an adventure. And he’s also a king. King Emperor. Not one of them evil Emperors like in Star Wars. At least not in the film, maybe in real life he was a jerk, I don’t know, I wasn’t in China back in the day when he was in charge. While with amnesia, takes the name Lee Siu-Lung (aka Bruce Lee)
Phoenix (Barbie Hsu Hsi-Yuan) – Phoenix’s character a delight, constantly beating everyone with a whip and yelling. This is the first Barbie Hsu character that I didn’t find annoying or boring. Even her over the top crazy lady turn in Reign of Assassins pushed my patience.
Lord Sima The Royal Historian (Law Kar-Ying) – The Royal Historian’s job is to chronicle the life of Emperor Zhu Zhengde, and spends most of the film making proclamations and writing them down in his Royal Log. This is both annoying to everyone in the movie and hilarious to everyone watching the movie. Law Kar-Ying is in both Metallic Attraction: Kungfu Cyborg and Future X-Cops.
Commander Chen The Royal Bodyguard (Bruce Leung Siu-Lung) – When you bodyguard is Bruce Leung, you’re in pretty good hands.
Mr. McFortune (Wu Ma) – Kentacky Fried Chicken’s answer to Colonel Sanders is Mr. McFortune. Have you ever been to Kentacky? They really need a new decorator… Wu Ma’s been in film forever, and was recently seen here in Haunted House Elf.

Bakugan Battle Brawlers now a film

All I know about Bakugan is my nephew loves them, some of them are magnetic, and Walgreens keeps them behind locked glass. So I guess they are popular. So popular that they’re gonna be a film now, from the director of Karate Kid (the new one) Harald Zwart. I guess it is going to be live action/CGI monsters, but they don’t say.

The image does not lie.