Candy Land will be the Lord of The Rings of board game movies

Take that, Battleship movie! Candy Land is putting the smack down and declaring they’ll be just as powerful as the beloved trilogy of Hobbits vs Orcs. I hope these board game movie wars continue to escalate and we just get ridiculous films based on board games. It will be a great time to be a bad movie buff! But who will drop the Donut Ring into the liquid chocolate of Mt. Marshmallow?

Co-writer Jonathan Aibel (Kung Fu Panda 2) said “We envision it as Lord of The Rings, but set in a world of candy.”

More from EW and co-writer Glenn Berger:
“We don’t see it as a movie based on a board game, although it has characters from that world and takes the idea of people finding themselves in a world that happens to be made entirely of candy where there are huge battles going on,” Berger says. “We are going for real comedy, real action, and real emotions at stake.”

Wasn’t the Candy Land: The Great Lollipop Adventure movie Lord of the Rings enough for them?

Candy Land

I hope that is chocolate...

The Lohan vs The Fox – Which Carrie Will Reign Supreme?

Megan Fox and Lindsay Lohan are in a war of bad casting decisions to become the next Carrie, in the remake of Carrie, about a girl named Carrie, who is so very fly oh my, it’s a little bit scary. Actually, Carrie isn’t supposed to be fly at all! But I’m sure glasses and a pony tail will make Megan Fox look unattractive (yeah, right!) The real question is why Lindsay Lohan is up for any part in anything except Inmate #12319418012343?

As this Carrie will likely be PG-13 and not contain scenes of girls pelting each other with tampons, I think I’ll pass.

It's totally believable that I'm unattractive and unpopular!

NOOOOOOOO!!!!! – The Biggest Movie of All Time 3D

That’s it, I’m sorry the rapture didn’t happen, because now we’re getting another Seltzberg movie!

In Scary Movie we spoofed the creepy teen horror genre, in Date Movie we took on cliché romantic comedies, Epic Movie we parodied bloated blockbusters, Meet the Spartans we lampooned the ultra macho 300 and in Vampires Suck we skewered the cultural phenomenon Twilight. But our new movie will dare spoof the biggest, boldest and most successful movie ever made – James Camerons Avatar.

With a domestic box office of nearly 700 million dollars and an overseas haul of over 2 billion, it was only a matter time before this behemoth got a good ribbing. And what could possibly be riper for satire? You got half naked blue people plugging their hair into strange flying horses so they can read their thoughts! And nothing in this mega blockbuster is off limits, from its overly simplified message of “big corporations = bad; tree hugging environmentalist = good,” to the broadly drawn characters like the buffed out Colonel who’s in a perpetual ‘roid rage to the very colorful, glowing and… come on, totally stony world of Pandora. And just like Avatar our movie will be in eye popping 3-D – making it the very first spoof movie ever in this format. It’s a perfect showcase for our outrageous sight gags, physical comedy and audacious stunts that will make for a hilarious film and uproarious audience experience.

How many cows will be dropped in 3D? Find out…at your peril!

Give a child a camera and ten minutes and they’ll come up with a critique of Avatar better than these two bozos will crap out. Heck, that cat who takes photographs would make better films if he had a webcam on him. There is room out there for a good Avatar parody. But this isn’t it.

John Carter of Mars has lost his Mars

And now it’s just John Carter. Why? Why do something so dumb? Why take the scifi out of your big scifi spectacle? Well, there are several possible reasons:

1- Some suit at Disney thinks that they must remove “of Mars” to prevent association with the film Mars Needs Moms, which went all Fat Man and Little Boy at the box office. I can just imagine the idiotic executive, with not a lick of movie making experience in his body, foolishly believing that the reason Mars Needs Moms failed was because of Mars, and not because the story sounded dumb and the aliens looked so hideous people actually ripped off their balls so they wouldn’t father children who would be forced to live in a world where they might see the alien design on this film. The same suit doesn’t see a problem with John Carter being a former Confederate soldier.

2- As A Princess of Mars is public domain, and the compromise name John Carter of Mars isn’t in the US (but is somewhere overseas, IIRC), Disney decided to just go with John Carter because it would be easier to trademark. That sentiment is sort of weird when you remember that ER had a character named John Carter for over a decade, there’s a lunatic congressman named John Carter, and the name John Carter is so common I’ve met several. Maybe they’re hoping people think this is about Jimmy Carter’s secret other brother, the one who didn’t make beer.

3- They plan to fuck with the story so much John Carter goes to a different planet each movie! This would be an incredibly stupid idea, but, this is Hollywood and they did remove “of Mars” from the title.

Of course, there is still a whole year to go, and John Carter of Mars will probably have another six titles by then (and be known in Japan as “Super Hoppy White Devil Man vs. Green Spider Monkey”)


More images here

Insee Daeng

Insee Daeng (Review)

Insee Daeng

aka Red Eagle

2010
Directed by Wisit Sasanatieng

Insee Daeng is a tragedy. Because it sucks, not because sad things happen in the film. It’s just terrible. An action flick with no heart, things just happen, you don’t care about any of the characters. It’s too busy trying to look cool to be cool. Insee Daeng is forcing me to rewrite my long-standing rule that The Matrix ruined cinema. The Matrix is so 1999. This is a new decade, and there is a new film that will cast a shadow over terrible action flicks for the next ten years as they attempt to emulate, but fail to duplicate the story and characterizations that made the film great beyond the effects. That is The Dark Knight, who shines over Insee Daeng like a batsymbol over some city with a hero who dresses as a bat in it.

Did we really need a brooding Insee Daeng? Wasn’t part of the reason we loved him because he was so jolly as he was blowing away bad guys? Mitr Chaibancha had presence, he would never be hanging out in an ice room feeling sorry for himself. He’d be so cool any room he entered became an ice room, and he’s so hot the ice would instantly melt. The freezing/melting ice is the Quantum Mitr Factor. It is an impossible standard that we can’t expect Insee Daeng to meet with its Insee Daeng, but it doesn’t even try.


Rome Rittikrai (Ananda Everingham) – Rome Rittikrai is just your average former special forces veteren who became a secret vigilante hero to clean up his country. Instead of being a lovable drunk like old school Rome, he’s a morphine addict thanks to a bullet in his brain
Insee Daeng (Ananda Everingham) – He’s Red Eagle, and that’s red enough for me!
Vasana Tienpradap (Yarinda Bunnag) – Vasana has a doctorate in geology and comes from a rich family, but devotes her time to helping those in need. She is the ex-fiancee of Prime Minister Direk Damrongprapa, and current love interest for Insee Daeng/Rome. Yarinda Bunnag is on Twitter and her sister makes cooking YouTube videos!
Black Devil (???) – It is a mystery who he is. A mystery you will solve before he even appears in the film. He isn’t Victor von Doom, so cut out that thinking right now!
Detective Chart Wuttikrai (Wannasingh Prasertkul) – He vows he’s gonna catch Insee Daeng, and he does…for like 1/8th of a second!
Chantaranantukam Singh (Jonathan Hallman) – Chart’s new partner is the strong silent type who also does heroic stuff to save kids. And he has to listen to Chart blather on all day long.
Matulee (various) – These guys are the secret society that decide what brand of toilet paper you use. Single-ply for you! Also they hate Insee Daeng.

Green with Envy trailer

This movie will be the best movie ever!

green with envy poster