A Dolphin Tale

Dolphin Tale (Review)

Dolphin Tale

Dolphin Tale
201
Directed by Charles Martin Smith
Written by Karen Janszen and Noam Dromi

Dolphin Tale
TarsTarkas.NET scored another free advanced screening because we’re awesome, and this time we saw the family film Dolphin Tale in 3D. And once again we’re giving a positive review to a film we saw for free. Let’s the claims that we’ve sold out begin! Because they are all dirty dirty lies. One day we’ll see something awful…but not today.

Dolphin Tale is a good family film, and as it is loosely based on a true story it is one of those inspirational films we don’t have enough of. The major problem with films like these is making them feel good without becoming gigantic cheese factories. Dolphin Tale manages to avoid most of those pitfalls and presents us with a story that seems plausible. The film throws in some traditional storytelling arcs around a child protagonist in order to capture the largest possible potential audience. And it is a good choice, as it is hard to structure a story around a character that isn’t human and can’t talk except for squeals and whistles. Even SeaQuest DSV had to have humans around their dolphin!
Dolphin Tale
A fisherman and a child named Sawyer Nelson find a dolphin stranded on the beach, entangled in a crab trap and badly injured. The Sea Animal Rescue crew is called in and take the dolphin away, but the normally jaded and withdrawn Sawyer is strangely concerned about the dolphin’s fate and sneaks into the rehabilitation center. He befriends Hazel, the daughter of the doctor who runs the place, and soon is involved in the rehabilitation of Winter the dolphin.
Dolphin Tale

Sawyer Nelson (Nathan Gamble) – Sawyer has gone bitter since his dad ran off years ago, interested in nothing except looking up to his older cousin, remote controlled helicopters, and failing school. But finding an injured dolphin by the sea changes his life and gives him the first sense of joy he’s had for years. His mom is a single nurse Lorraine Nelson (Ashley Judd), who is your typical struggling single mom. Nathan Gamble is probably best known for being Commissioner Gordon’s son in The Dark Knight. His acting here is more muted, and fades in comparison to…
Hazel Haskett (Cozi Zuehlsdorff) – Dr. Haskett’s daughter who works at the Sea Animal Rescue hospital and befriends Sawyer. Good thing there was a kid his age! Otherwise Sawyer would have to find out about Winter via text messaging or something. This is Cozi Zuehlsdorff’s first film, and she acts rings around some of the other characters, though she does tend to overact.
Dr. Clay Haskett (Harry Connick Jr.) – Marine biologist who runs the Sea Animal Rescue hospital, father of Hazel, and swinging bachelor. His dad Reed is Kris Kristofferson, so he comes from a long line of cool. Dr. Haskett is too busy trying to save animals to worry about funding his hospital, which helps define the third act after the random hurricane.
Dr. Cameron McCarthy (Morgan Freeman) – Morgan Freeman pops up eventually as a doctor who makes artificial limbs. He’s enlisted by Sawyer to make an artificial fin for Winter.
Winter (herself, CGI, and puppets) – Winter is the dolphin who has a tale about losing her tail. Hey, I just got the pun in the title! Just kidding, I got it like five minutes ago…
Rufus (some Pelican and CGI) – The surprise standout of Dolphin Tale, Rufus shows up a lot in the film harassing various characters and stealing all the scenes he’s in. He also eats fish and lives on a roof, hence the name, Ceiling! I mean, Rufus.

Dolphin Tale

Gwangong vs Alien – 關公大戰外星人

Gwangong vs Alien – 關公大戰外星人 – is a short film that looks awesome and features a giant robot, an alien, and Guan Yu. Who you might remember fought aliens before. And now we got a 30 second trailer, and it looks ridiculous and awesome. Ridiculously awesome. It better be! Or heads will roll… Alien heads…

There is not much in English about G.V.A. yet (yes, that abbreviation is used by the director), but if you can read Chinese, here you go.

Now get images feasted upon your eyes!!!
Gwongon vs Alien
Gwongon vs Alien
Gwongon vs Alien
Gwongon vs Alien
Gwongon vs Alien

Images ganked from the Official Facebook Page

The Goblin Corps – Books I Done Been Reading!

The Goblin Corps
by Ari Marmell

The Goblin Corps is something special, one of those rare breeds of books tht take place from the point of view of who would normally be considered the villains of the fantasy epic. But you will soon be cheering for the villains as they embark on their various quests to procure rare and magical items. The Demon Squad is made up of Craeosh the Orc, Katim the troll, Gork the kobold, Jhurpess the bugbear, Gimmol the gremlin, Fezeill the shapechanger, Belrotha the ogre, and Shreckt – their gargoyle drill sergeant.

The squad serves King Morthul the Charnel King, who has been recently foiled in his latest plot to take over the world. In response, his killing of the local king’s daughter has prompted the massing of a gret army to wipe the Charnel King’s empire off the map. The Demon Squad is put together to get the items needed to stop this threat, and also deal with the various problems tht arise when you live in a magical evil kingdom filled with monsters and horrors unimaginable. The characters come alive with their constant bickering, in-fighting, and sarcastic quips. The standard fantasy tropes are there for the different races, but twisted and tweaked to make them unique and familiar at the same time. Craeosh is just as likely to swear as he is to swing his big sword at whoever walks by, while Gork is the kind of character you should never turn your back on. Belrotha is dim but driven to do what is best for her people and her King. Fezeill acts prim and proper despite his constant outer appearance change. Grimmol is hiding a secret as to why he’s in the squad, which is hard to do when you talk constantly like he does. Jhurpess’s simple dialogue and goofy scenes keep him entertaining, and Katim’s motivation is different enough from the stereotypical troll behavior that even she stands out.

The various quests seem like video game levels, though the payoff happens earlier than you would expect, leaving the last third of the book to go down a completely different path. The ending was unexpected and unique, and makes me wish a sequel was here already. Don’t get too attached to the characters, as there is a body count. The heroic side has both heroes and villains as well, the lead sorceror being a particularly sharp thorne in the Charnel King’s side. And while there are a few odd threads that don’t seem to go anywhere (particular effort is spend capturing someone alive…and then she promptly is never mentioned again!), overall things go together solidly. Like I said, I wish there was a sequel already, and I meant it.
The Goblin Corps

Books I Done Been Reading! name shamelessly stolen from Vault of Buncheness

Nicolas Cage is a Vampire photo

We all love Nic Cage, and now thanks to the magic of eBay, you can buy a photo from 1870 of a guy who looks like Nic Cage, head slightly warped. You know you want it.

From the description:
(The Thanatos Archive watermark is not on the original image)

Original c.1870 carte de visite showing a man who looks exactly like
Nick Cage. Personally, I believe it’s him and that he is some sort of
walking undead / vampire, et cetera, who quickens / reinvents
himself once every 75 years or so. 150 years from now, he might
be a politician, the leader of a cult, or a talk show host.

This is not a trick photo of any kind and has not been manipulated
in Photoshop or any other graphics program. It’s an original photo
of a man who lived in Bristol, TN sometime around the Civil War.

I’ve had a lot of questions asking where I purchased this. As followers
of my website know, I collect antique memorial photography –
images of dead people – from the 1800s. This photo was found in
the very back of album that contained an unusual number of
Civil War era death portraits (which is why I purchased it). All of
the other people in the album, living and dead, were identified
by name – this man was not.

Photographer is Professor G.B. Smith. A contact of mine forwarded
this interesting article (link) about the photographer, Smith. Turns
out he was a confederate Civil War prisoner of war photographer.

Guaranteed to be an original 1860s-70s photograph and not
a modern reproduction, copy or photo manipulation.

Nicholas Cage Vampire

cyberbu//y (Review)

cyberbu//y

aka Cyberbully

2011
Directed by Charles Binamé
Written by Teena Booth

cyberbully
Nothing can ever go wrong now that I have a computer!

cyberbu//y is an ABC Family original movie presentation designed to teach America about the dangers of cyberbullying. It’s also the most hilarious movie about the internet since Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life. There are so many goofy things going on it is hard to keep track. But we will try, because we are TarsTarkas.NET – cyberbullies!

cyberbully
When Goatse strikes…

Join us as we watch a teenage girl’s life be destroyed by the internet! Keep in mind teenage girls get their lives destroyed all the time, usually due to Jennifer being a bitch. Damn you, Jennifer! Why you gotta be a bitch all the time? Don’t be talking to Justin in math class!

cyberbully
Oh my god Becky look at her butt. Her butt is so big that she needs 2 cars. One for her…and one for her butt.

Can Linsay’s fragile mind handle the harsh social complexities that is the modern internet? Or will she be destroyed, body, mind, and soul, snuffed out like a candle in the wind. The internet wind.

cyberbully
And thou shalt eat the fruit of thine own body, the flesh of thy sons and of thy daughters, which the LORD thy God hath given thee, in the siege, and in the straightness, wherewith thine enemies shall distress thee.

Taylor Hillridge (Emily Osment) – This Taylor’s not so swift. Your average girl with an internet connection, except Taylor takes everything so serious that even the slightest deviation can cause tears to flow like monsoon rain. Can Taylor stand up to the cyberbullies? Or will she be cyberdefeated?
Samantha Caldone (Kay Panabaker) – Taylor’s best friend and the embittered former partner of a jock, who loved and left her, causing Samantha to freak out at the slightest mention of jocks. Then Samantha goes even more crazy. So we got a Taylor and a Samantha, and there is an evil girl at school named Lindsay. Lindsay Lohan used to date a Samantha, and if we pretend Taylor is Taylor Swift, this all begins to make sense. Now…who is Kanye West in this scenario?
Kris Hillridge (Kelly Rowan) – Taylor’s mom who is totally channeling Judith Light. But she’s no Angela. Mom spends most of the film being unaware of anything, then the last thirty minutes overcompensating by becoming the most productive mom ever. Even then, she only wins by luck.
Scott Ozsik (Jon McLaren) – Scott is the cute jock who has eyes for Taylor, causing Samantha to go nuts with rage. For once, the jock is not a bad guy. That much. Until he goes to college and joins to Alpha Betas and goes up against the Tri-Lams!
Cheyenne Mortenson (Meaghan Rath) – Taylor’s black friend because we needed to throw in some diversity. Bails the second Taylor becomes a liability. There is no famous Cheyenne to go with my Lohan/Swift/Sam theory, unless you count Cheyenne Kimball, who I have never heard of. So let’s pretend her name is Kardashian
James Petitious (iStock Photo) – He’s so real, a guy who cares about girls feelings and reads the poetry that girls put up on their pages. There are so many signs this guy is fake he should be named James McFakefake. My vote for Kanye West.
cyberbully
The Internet…made me….Avril Lavigne!

The Muppets – The Pig With The Froggy Tattoo Parody Trailer

The Muppets put out another killer parody trailer! I seriously cannot wait. Cannot wait. If you follow the Muppets on Twitter, they’ve gone more active there as well, with Statler and Waldorf making tweets.
The plot once again:

When Walter, the world’s biggest Muppet fan, and friends Gary (Jason Segel) and Mary (Amy Adams) discover the nefarious plan of oilman Tex Richman (Chris Cooper) to raze the Muppet Theater, they help Kermit reunite the Muppets to stage The Greatest Muppet Telethon Ever and raise the $10 million needed to save the theater.