cyberbu//y

aka Cyberbully

2011
Directed by Charles Binamé
Written by Teena Booth

Nothing can ever go wrong now that I have a computer!

cyberbu//y is an ABC Family original movie presentation designed to teach America about the dangers of cyberbullying. It’s also the most hilarious movie about the internet since Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life. There are so many goofy things going on it is hard to keep track. But we will try, because we are TarsTarkas.NET – cyberbullies!

When Goatse strikes…

Join us as we watch a teenage girl’s life be destroyed by the internet! Keep in mind teenage girls get their lives destroyed all the time, usually due to Jennifer being a bitch. Damn you, Jennifer! Why you gotta be a bitch all the time? Don’t be talking to Justin in math class!

Oh my god Becky look at her butt. Her butt is so big that she needs 2 cars. One for her…and one for her butt.

Can Linsay’s fragile mind handle the harsh social complexities that is the modern internet? Or will she be destroyed, body, mind, and soul, snuffed out like a candle in the wind. The internet wind.

And thou shalt eat the fruit of thine own body, the flesh of thy sons and of thy daughters, which the LORD thy God hath given thee, in the siege, and in the straightness, wherewith thine enemies shall distress thee.

Taylor Hillridge (Emily Osment) – This Taylor’s not so swift. Your average girl with an internet connection, except Taylor takes everything so serious that even the slightest deviation can cause tears to flow like monsoon rain. Can Taylor stand up to the cyberbullies? Or will she be cyberdefeated? Samantha Caldone (Kay Panabaker) – Taylor’s best friend and the embittered former partner of a jock, who loved and left her, causing Samantha to freak out at the slightest mention of jocks. Then Samantha goes even more crazy. So we got a Taylor and a Samantha, and there is an evil girl at school named Lindsay. Lindsay Lohan used to date a Samantha, and if we pretend Taylor is Taylor Swift, this all begins to make sense. Now…who is Kanye West in this scenario? Kris Hillridge (Kelly Rowan) – Taylor’s mom who is totally channeling Judith Light. But she’s no Angela. Mom spends most of the film being unaware of anything, then the last thirty minutes overcompensating by becoming the most productive mom ever. Even then, she only wins by luck. Scott Ozsik (Jon McLaren) – Scott is the cute jock who has eyes for Taylor, causing Samantha to go nuts with rage. For once, the jock is not a bad guy. That much. Until he goes to college and joins to Alpha Betas and goes up against the Tri-Lams! Cheyenne Mortenson (Meaghan Rath) – Taylor’s black friend because we needed to throw in some diversity. Bails the second Taylor becomes a liability. There is no famous Cheyenne to go with my Lohan/Swift/Sam theory, unless you count Cheyenne Kimball, who I have never heard of. So let’s pretend her name is Kardashian James Petitious (iStock Photo) – He’s so real, a guy who cares about girls feelings and reads the poetry that girls put up on their pages. There are so many signs this guy is fake he should be named James McFakefake. My vote for Kanye West.

The Internet…made me….Avril Lavigne!

What do you mean you won’t be joining the True Beliebers club???

Taylor is just your average teenage girl, what with the texting and the broken home. She’s mocked by the popular girl at school, has a bratty younger brother, her best friend got wham bam thank you ma’amed by a jock, and there’s also a random black friend. But totally light-skinned, so don’t be afraid, white suburban mothers! Taylor’s mom is one of those cybernanny moms who are constantly monitoring their child’s internet connections. But on her 17th birthday, things change with the gift of a laptop and the ability to go online all by herself with no one watching. Mom’s speech about being responsible goes in one ear and right out the other as she’s immediately signing up for a social network that asks what color underwear you are wearing. That alone is probably illegal in most states, what with her being underage, but we’ll let that go because people are stupid.

And she’s on…Cliquesters! Yes, a fake social media site patterned after a MySpace/Facebook hybrid. And having a fake site means you don’t have to license anything! After this aired, a bunch of fake Cliquesters showed up on the web, so don’t think the internet doesn’t respond to made for tv movies! Sure, all the fake sites are set up to bash people, but that just proves cyberbullies win in the end. Because we do.

As if I would fall in love with some guy from the Internet!

Cliquesters is awesome because all legitimate social media sites ask you what color underwear you are wearing! The second Lindsay signs up she’s getting nasty comments from the evil girl Lindsay on her profile! OMG, that Lindsay!

Hey, if you’re a fan of HOT CHAT ROOM MESSAGING ACTION!, then hold on to your butts, because there is a whole pack of chat rooming coming up, because Taylor’s jock crush Scott says he hangs out in the school chatroom sometimes! Thus, Taylor is there, agreeing to whatever dumb thing Scott says.

Can I use your laptop to get the latest Scarlett Johansson nude picture leaks?

Taylor’s friend Samantha gets all emotional and upset because she thinks Taylor’s going to join her in the emotional garbage pile. But Taylor sick burns her for being a slut, and Taylor gets kicked out of the car and has to walk home! Good thing she live-tweeted her walk home:
@TaylorNotSwift OMG got kicked outta car!
@TaylorNotSwift Walking home sux #SamFail
@TaylorNotSwift my feet hurt #SamFail
@TaylorNotSwift I somehow lost one of my shoes!
@TaylorNotSwift RT @NotAScam Win a free iPad bit.ly/eiQia*9
@TaylorNotSwift Hey, there were no free iPads!
@TaylorNotSwift I think someone now has my account password…
@TaylorNotSwift Win a free iPad bit.ly/1iHdq0

Back at home, we must go OMG because some new cute guy named James sends Taylor a friend request. James says he loves her poems. He’s totally not fake. But enough about James, things are going to get interesting….

Someone hacks Taylor’s profile and write “I’m a naughty bad girl, someone should spank me”! Taylor takes it like you expect, flowing more tears than water in the Nile and screeching about how this is the worst thing that could happen to anyone ever. No one in the history of the universe has ever had to go through the trials of Taylor.

The internet claims another victim, and we’re only 15 minutes in!

cyberbu//y, the streetwalker years

Mom is like “Shut it down!” Is Mom Walter Peck from Ghostbusters? Because that would not be what I need to sympathize with the Mom character. Taylor takes her ball of rage and uses it for constructive purposes. I’m just kidding, she fires up Cliquester and calls Lindsay a bitch! Take that, Lindsay!

Taylor and Samantha make up, and the stunning secret of Taylor is that it was her brother who changed her profile! But he has a good reason: He’s her little brother, that’s his job. But when it comes to internet harassment, consequences will never be the same! He’s grounded for a month, while Taylor is grounded for three days because Mom finds out she called Lindsay a bitch. Ya dun goofed, Taylor! And the precious laptop is seized! Oh No! How will Taylor check on the latest LOLcats or cakewrecks or TarsTarkas.NET updates now? Mom is so uncool. She’s defriended!

During the three-day weekend without internet, people have been posting non-stop about Taylor sleeping with random dudes. So Taylor freaks out after Lindsay mocks her for it! Caleb sympathizes, but Taylor blows him off. No one likes you, Caleb! you can’t understand the pain. The pain of Taylor.

Well, my new single Rifts was all set to score big on the cyberbu//y soundtrack, but that damn Rebecca Black got all the digital sales…

The comments on her profile are totally unrealistic….there are zero spelling errors, “loser” is spelled correctly and not as “looser”, the only text-speak is the occasional “u” for “you”. Teenagers do not talk like this online.

Taylor yells at her mom for fake trusting her! And she’s falling for fake James, who is so totally fake. But forget fake James, Scott asks her to the Spring Fling dance! And gets her ketchup! No guy has ever gotten her ketchup before. Only catsup!

When James gets mean, he reverts to text-speak

But buzzkill Samantha gets all upset that Taylor is crushing on jock Scott again. And in totally unrelated news, fake James is now posting all over Taylor’s wall saying she gave him an STD! No mention on which STD it was, but it’s probably a gross one!

Taylor freaks and freaks and freaks. You might call her superfreaky. The kind you don’t take home to mother.

Taylor and her girls figure out James is fake, but also decide to not tell Mom anything. Because Mom ruins everything. But school life is hell once again, Lindsay is like “skank patrol!” and the mocking is ruthless. Okay, that’s about the extent of the mocking besides some giggles. Actually, that wasn’t that bad at all. Actually uplifting for your average teenage girl. But never you mind, as Cheyenne begins to trip out. No one has ever called her a name before at school, despite the fact Cheyenne is easily mockable! Cheyenne storms off, abandoning her friends and showing where her loyalties lie.

That poor cat, why can’t it have a cheeseburger??

Things go from bad to worse when Scott doesn’t want to go to the dance with her anymore! Worst. Day. Ever. For the large percentage of the audience who hasn’t figured out that we’re supposed to be sad now, some slow pop piano song plays to make us realize that Taylor is feeling blue and her life has switched turned upside down.

Cheyenne’s dad rats out to Mom what is going on. Mom is mad…”SHUT IT DOWN!”

Now we find out the secret truth behind fake James. James Petitious is SAMANTHA!!! World. Shaken. No, wait, that was just a small earthquake.

The bloody hands of the Internet Bullied left their imprints on the walls of cyberspace for decades to come.

Taylor is still sad, but she scores a day off of school. Mom begins her campaign to become Mom of the entire internet. Step 1 – ask the principal to do something. But the principal rightly decides that stuff that happens off of school grounds he doesn’t have the right to control.

Samantha is going to come clean, but doesn’t because Taylor is upset that Scott might read the rumors of her being a pregnant prostitute. But now Taylor has to face the next big thing…

Someone makes a video mocking Taylor!

This video….this video….

It’s no Keyboard Cat, but better than Potter Puppet Pals

It has someone dressed up as a pregnant prostitute with a cardboard cutout of Taylor’s face, and a guy in a paper bag mask pretending to get hit up as a john by the pregnant “Taylor”. This video is surreal in its weirdness. It’s creepy.

OMG

OMG

We’ve reached maximum OMG.

So Taylor records a vlog. About how she’s sad and she’s gonna kill herself! You know, my wife watched YouTube makeup gurus a lot, and there is a surprising amount of drama, so I’ve seen actual videos like this (though usually they’re just “Quitting YouTube FOREVER!!!” for a few weeks before they return and never mention the drama again), and they are always hilarious.

The greatest scene in tv history

But Samantha freaks out and calls Taylor’s mom. They both rush home, and Samantha bursts into the bathroom where Taylor is, all dramatic, the music swells…and we see Taylor isn’t dead, but struggling to open the cap of the bottle of Tylenol. And she yells “I can’t get the cap off!”

Worst. Suicide. Attempt. Ever.

But hilarious! Samantha stops her, though the true hero are child-proof caps. For once they do something except make my migraines worse!

Taylor wakes up in the hospital, and they’re going to keep her overnight for some reason despite the fact all she did was fail. What awesome health insurance does she have? I’ve had things taken out of my body and been kicked out of the hospital before dark! The doctor runs a teen support group for cyberbullied youth, and gives Taylor’s mom some tranquilizers. Because what Taylor needs are more bottles with easier to open caps and stronger drugs nearby!

If you took all these drugs, you might think cyberbu//y was a good film. But probably not.

Mom goes all internet detective to find out who James is. First she confronts Lindsay’s dad, who defends his daughter’s mean posts because he’s a lawyer and all lawyers are mean. For a second, when we found out he was single, I was thinking “romantic love interest!” but that idea never happened. cyberbu//y, you fail again! Just imagine how often Taylor would try to kill herself if that happened!

Pokegirls is real. And does this to people.

It’s support group time! Caleb is there, some fat girl, and a bunch of dorks. Oh, wait, I’m suppose to sympathize with these people. Okay. Rejects from the cast of Glee fill the support group, and trade stories of privacy settings – a feature that shocks Taylor because she didn’t know she could hid her information! Not that this would help her, as her entire trauma is caused by her family and friends who already know all about her. It only took her 70 minutes into the film to find out this valuable information!

Luckily, suicide brings this broken family closer together! They should try to kill themselves each week to become the best family ever. Children, remember, failing suicide will solve all your problems. Try it sometime!

Samantha tearfully confesses that she created James to Taylor… Someone make sure all the bottle caps are childproof!!!!

Samantha’s fate is to be cyberbullied herself. How the worm has turned…

Hi. I’m the Hannah Montana star who isn’t crazy. How are you?

After a police detective tells Mom there are no laws in this state to help, Mom goes to the state capital to try to get a cyberbully bill passed. But the state rep is a jerk who doesn’t internet and probably thinks it is all tubes or something. Damn teaparty.

Taylor chats with Scott, who feels guilty for not standing up for her, but he didn’t…so what a great guy! Taylor and Mom go to the newspaper, and Samantha is interviewed as well, so we get a big media story. Profile of a cyberbully. Turn it into a book, it will make millions…of wasted trees! But it does shame the state rep to write a cyberbullying bill.

Just got a text. Her Balenciaga handbag is fake!

Taylor goes back to school, and confronts Lindsay….and Taylor, Samantha, the light-skinned black girl I forgot was in the film, Caleb, and even Scott join in! Then everyone claps and cheers. This is like one of those fake stories on the internet everyone tells to show how awesome they are. “Yeah, I totally told the cashier at GameStop that I didn’t want the magazine subscription! And the whole store clapped and carried me outside…”

Lindsay is like “whatev, losers!” and storms off , probably to update her Facebook status with a frowny face. The whole student body begins a chain reaction of texts and tweets about how Lindsay got told off and we get the ultimate internet quote: “OMG so it’s safe to go online now”

The best text sequence in film history.

Yes, random student, it is perfectly safe to go online now. So let’s have a party, a lemon party….

What is weird is that everyone who hurt Taylor were the people who loved her – her brother, her best friend, and even her mom by overreacting. Heck, her father hurt her before this all began by running off on her mother. This movie is less a warning about cyberbullying and more a warning that everyone you know and love will destroy you. So watch out!

Next week on Cyberbu//y….rise of the /B/tards!!!!!!!

With a name that great, he must be real!

Rated 3/10 (profile pic, pointless douchebag single father, state senator whose probably banging an intern as you read this)

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And now…a gallery of actress Emily Osment and the wonderful faces she makes while acting! Remember: she’s still way better than Miley Cyrus.