Psycho Shark
aka Jaws in Japan
2009
Directed by John Hijiri
Written by Yasutoshi Murakawa
Psycho Shark is the worst thing to come from Japan since shotacon. Don’t Google that at work. Or ever. And don’t watch Psycho Shark ever, because it frakking sucks. It sucks even at 2.5x speed, and the same amount of things happen, which is nothing. Since large portions of the film is one character watching other characters on video and fast forwarding, perhaps the film is telling us what needs to be done. I answered the call, but I still had to watch Psycho Shark, so the effort was for naught.
That shark sure is psycho! This is the movie where the shark stabs someone in the shower.
Okay, that’s the easy jokes, neither of which are true, so let’s get to the actual review of this plotless piece of shark dung. Originally called Jaws in Japan, the title was changed to Psycho Shark to cash in on the lucrative psycho demographics. Or something. Maybe the distributors thought people would avoid the film because it was Japanese, and took the foreign name out of the title Except the Japanese bikini babes are the main non-shark selling point, so that makes little sense. I’ll give this as much thought as to why they changed the name as the producers of Psycho Shark took in making Psycho Shark a good film: none!
What we have here is a found footage mess masquerading as a shark attack film with lots of attractive Japanese chicks in bikinis. How unique, as it is almost impossible to find Japanese chicks in bikinis anywhere in this day and age of the internet.
|
A creepy girl in a dark hotel room watches footage of girls in bikinis, who we’ll call Group B since I didn’t bother to write down their names. One of them is Mika Inagaki, but if you know who she is you probably know that already. Basically, the girls fool around on the beach and there is random shots of bloody horror sliced in that makes you wonder if it is on the actual video, then wonder who edited the video so all the blood shots are in the middle of it. But no character ever reacts to the bloody shots, so they must not actually be in the film and are instead just inserted by desperate producers looking for a way to keep the film interesting. It failed, but then it also succeeded as this dreck got picked up for foreign distribution by Jolly Roger/Cinema Epoch.
Enough of Group B, let’s meet Group A, which is only two girls, Mai and Miki. The only difference in personality is Mai is dumber and hornier while Miki just seems to be a normal person trapped in the body of a bikini babe. The two girls are in the back of a pickup truck heading to a mysterious hotel owned by the truck driver as their reservations at a different hotel were mysteriously canceled. It is very mysterious. And the truck driver/hotel guy/creepy guy Kenji is apparently hot enough to satisfy Mai’s lust.
The girls settle in, and Kenji explains every guest gets video cameras to document their adventures. Which is pretty stupid once you find out the terrible secret of Psycho Shark Hotel. Whatever could it be?
The girls get their bikinis on and run around on the beach, then go shower….in their bikinis! Holy PG, Batman!
Miki stumbles across the tape with Group B on it while Mai is out. You can’t imagine the excitement of watching someone watch something and fast forwarding. Hey, I’m also fast forwarding. W00t for me!
As the editor is a PCP-addled squirrel with ADD who’s also down with OPP, the next 30 minutes of the film is a jumble or more random crap, random clips of Group B, and random bloody inserts jumpscared in. Hey, look, one of those girls was hanging around the same guy Mai is hanging around, Kenji! Kenji trades tapes to some guys for a silver shark figurine? At least it broke up the boredom of the girl watching more video. No, wait, it doesn’t.
Can Miki see the bloody stuff? Iit isn’t there when she replays the scenes again and again so probably not.
Holy crap a shark fin! Oh, just a dream. Boooring
Miki sees Kenji murder the other girls on tape, but can’t find it again when she tries to show Mai, so we just see random scenes from the film we previously saw. Miki goes to try to save Mai, despite Mai telling her to get lost earlier. No, wait, she just watches the tape of the murders again, this time in a more coherent order.
Kenji is going to sacrifice Mai to a shark, which a brief shot of a CGI fin indicates is coming soon. Maybe. But first Kenji must rub his knife all around Mai’s bikinied breasts while her eyes are shut. This takes like five minutes. She seriously can’t figure out it is a knife?
Just when he’s going to off her, Miki gets near, and the two stare at each other for 30 seconds, then Miki runs up and pushes Kenji into the ocean. He does nothing despite having a knife and a hostage and Miki being an unarmed smaller female.
Another hotel staffer arrives and Kenji gets out of the water, angry.
But then…giant shark! It only took a damn hour!!!! The Psycho Shark then leaps into the air and eats everyone? Everyone eaten offscreen, btw, we just see blood splatter.
At the end, we go back to the creepy girl watching all of this. The End.
That’s seriously the movie.
That’s it. Nothing more. Just pointless, plotless junk ended with a monster kill so brief SciFi Channel would get angry. Avoid at all costs. The only psychos here are the people who thought this was worthy of distributing to the masses.
Rated 1/10 (keychain mania)
Please give feedback below!
