Makin

aka The Vampire

????
Directed by ????

Makin’ what? Bacon? Cookies? Babies? Probably babies, as that’s what several of the characters attempt to do in a roundabout faction.

Makin is an obscure as frak Thai film that is sort of unique in the Asian vampire genre in that the vampires are solely Western-style vampires! No one is hopping around, no one has their head flying off and zooming around while their guts hang low. It’s all traditional Dracula. I could go on about how there are a limited number of Western Vampires in Eastern Vampire films (most notably in Vampire vs. Vampire and The Seven Brothers Meet Dracula) but most people reading this are so far under a false assumption there will be pictures of naked Thai chicks down below. In fact, there are only pictures of semi-naked Thai chicks, or naked Thai chicks with strategically placed objects. So for the big Eastern/Western vampire discussion you’ll have to wait until I get around to actually reviewing Vampire vs. Vampire, which could happen one day since I own it.

The best widescreen money can buy!

You might not be surprised to know that there is a plethora of low-budget softcore films produced in Thailand (which has a reputation as a sex tourist destination) but as most of them (at least the ones available on eThaicd.com) are barely-there plots about dudes seducing chicks and other boring things that would barely rate a Skinimax softcore film. But even in the boring masses there are a few wacky gems. Previously we’ve run across weird Thai softcore flick Hidden 2002, a movie about loose women at a hotel and the men who secretly video tape them. Finding out information on Thai films in general is almost impossible, and softcore films are talked about even less. And obscure crazy softcore crap like this you have a better chance of tapdancing with a shark than finding out info about this (unless you are fluent in Thai, and even then you will probably have troubles.) Makin is a production of the Prohand Production Group (who’s symbol is a thumbs up! Someone tell Roger Ebert!) and Prohand Home Video. They aren’t anti-hand, they are prohand.

YOU are the reason Edward Cullen won’t return my fan letters!

Oh, subtitles? Forget it! But TarsTarkas.NET don’t need no stinking subtitles! We also don’t need to know who the heck the actors are, so here are all the notable characters (pretty much every character minus one)

Makin (???) – Makin is a Vampire who looks amazingly like Dracula but is totally not Dracula because Dracula would never be this lazy. He’s the laziest mofo in the universe. Cool Guy (???) – Cool Guy is the main male character who is a totally cool, as shown by the fact he has sunglasses, a motorcycle, and a girl who puts out. Thus, he gets to kill Makin, who was makin’ the beast with two backs with his girl Dah. Red Hair (???) – Red Hair is one of Cool Guy’s buddies who works on motorcycles and does nothing else until Cool Guy decides he needs some buddies to go all Monster Squad on Makin. Bandanna (???) – Bandanna is Cool Guy’s other buddy, the one who looks like he could also be cool if he had a motorcycle and a girl who puts out, but he doesn’t so he is not as cool. Mattei (???) – Mattei is a geeky guy who lives in a shack behind a house filled with hot chicks, and becomes the thrall of Makin or something. This means Makin yells at Mattei in his head until Mattei seduces some women so Makin can have sex with them. So basically the bonus to being a vampire thrall is you get migraines! Maybe I am a vampire thrall, except my migraines are only slightly related to a vampire yelling at me. Priest A Don (???) – It is nice to know that priests in Thailand are just as screwy about sexuality as priests in America. Even if this is a fictional priest made perverted for comedic purposes. Dah (???) – Dah is Cool Guy’s best girl, and she becomes the target of Makin because she lives in the house of hot chicks. Pau (???) – Pau is a hot chick who gets vampired up, Makin style. Mitta (???) – Mitta is a hot chick who gets vampired up, Makin style. Landlord (???) – Eh, everyone else was getting a listing, so might as well give him one as well. I am guessing he is supposed to be the dad to the three girls or something, but it is more fun to pretend he just rents his house out to a bunch of hot chicks and a creepy dude. And since no one will ever write about this film in English again there is no one to stop me! MuHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

FLASHBACK or SOMETHING as we are shown with fake widescreen bars across the screen (but not across the screen enough, we still see a tiny sliver of the rest of the frame on the right side. It is the worst widescreen fakery I have seen! And I have seen lots of fake widescreen from bargain bin DVD companies, I tell you what. The fake widescreen is also blocking the bare breasts of the woman who is getting some sort of ceremony preformed by a Thai Buddhist priest. Just imagine I already introduced them before I complained about the widescreen. Whatever the ceremony is, she has to be completely naked for it, so we got plenty of time to admire her feminine physique when it isn’t being blocked by fake blackness.

Some dude interrupts calling for “A Don!” which I am assigning as the priest’s name. Maybe he was looking for Don Johnson, star of Miami Vice but he never shows up. The ceremony is interrupted so this pink-shirted new guy can speak! Gah! Priorities, people! The Priest grunts more and has a brief vision of a vampire. Then some guy reading a book somewhere is attacked by a vampire! Oh no, not that guy!

Credits – the credits say “The Vampire” and some Thai, but the voiceover says “Makin” and I was given the video under the title “Makin” so that’s what we’re calling it! A video of a guy emerging from the ground done up with Adobe After Effects plays during the opening credits.

Vampires learned their stealth techniques from ninjas.

Mattei was the guy reading who was attacked, his mom and sister find him and try to wake him but he is non responsive but alive. Enough of Mattei – we got motorcycle dudes working on their bikes! There are three guys working in the garage, the only one we will care about we’ll call Cool Guy, who has his motorcycle fixed and takes his Best Girl out for a ride while the other two Red Hair and Bandanna are left behind.

NO! Not more episodes of Real Housewives!

Let’s pad the film with bike ride footage set to muzak version of a rock song I should recognize but don’t. Heaven forbid we pad the film with softcore sex of various vampire shenanigans. The bike ride over and the making out begins still with the muzak blaring. They move on to sex, while the muzak just switches to another light jazz instrumental of another song I sort of recognize but don’t enough to identify it.

You deleted Jersey Shore from my TiVo!

Someone tries to give Mattei a necklace with a holy symbol on it, and he runs away. Just imagine if there were Jehovah’s Witnesses in Thailand. Cool Guy and Best Girl visit Priest A-Don, because that’s what you do in Thailand after you have sex on a motorcycle.

Makin the Vampire calls out to Mattei. Makin talks to him in the driveway with his rough voiceover voice. Don’t worry, the effects crew has a fog machine nearby, and when Makin the Vampire leaves he disappears via video edit. Woooo!!!

Hey, check this out…

I’m a mushroom!

One thing about Mattei is, he seems to live in a house that has a lot of hot chicks living in it who wear skimpy clothing and are not related to Mattei in any way. Just how Mattei got so lucky is not explained, but as Mattei hasn’t had sex with any of them at this point. One small correction, Mattei lives in a shack in the backyard of the house. Mattei then manages to convince Pau, one of the hot girls that lives at Mattei’s house, to visit his shack, and she’s wearing a skimpy outfit because that’s what chicks do. Makin the Vampire busts in, Mattei ain’t getting any vagina tonight! Makin yanks him off and gets on top of Pau, then hypnotises her or something with eye electricity into her eyes (the actress does nothing different right after, so no one bothered to tell her.) I guess they don’t scream in Thailand because she sure doesn’t. Makin rips off her clothes for some vampire on non-vampire action. The music that plays sounds like the opening credits music for some horrible 1990s action tv show, then it segues into more traditional light jazz as the scene continues and he gets his vampire freak on. Makin remains fully clothed during all of this, and I have no clue what Mattei is doing as this is going down. Makin finishes by biting her and she’s dead or maybe not dead or something.

Cool Guy goes to see A Don again (who was looking at porn magazines!) I don’t know why he keeps going to visit him. Makin yells at Mattei for a while, he doesn’t even bother to get out of his coffin. Vampire laziness.

Mattei meets up with two more of the hot chicks from his house: Dah, the girlfriend of Cool Guy, and her hot friend Mitta, and somehow convinces them to both go back with him to a spooky house where Makin ambushes them. Makin then gets it on with Mitta on a table near an altar with 9000 candles that looked like a birthday cake when I first saw it. After a few minutes Dah wakes up and and unties herself, beating Mattei over the head with a stick as she escapes. Instead of chasing after her, Makin just stops boning Mitta and yells at Mattei some more. Makin is the laziest vampire ever. I am surprised he doesn’t have Mattei bite the women for him.

Dah is found wandering the side of the road by Cool Guy, she mentions Dracula. They go back to Mattei’s place to look for clues as the background music plays the score to a film, but I don’t recognize where they have stolen it from. If I ever get on Jeopardy and there is a music category, I’m totally gonna lose. Cool Guy finds the old book in Mattei’s room and brings it to A Don who explains more. I guess it is a vampire book that when you read it real vampires show up. Like Twilight. A Don gives Cool Guy a new medallion for protection, and a silver bullet. They can’t afford a real bullet, so all we ever see is the bullet shell (or more likely even fake ammunition is illegal in Thailand)

Happy Birthday!

The two vampired girls Pau and Mitta are lying next to Makin in his casket, except they are outside of the casket. Makin can’t even do this right! Mitta awakens and sits up, and then awakens and sits up again due to an idiotic editing mistake. It isn’t the disk’s fault, as the background music doesn’t repeat, this was actually edited into the final film and no one bothered to fix it.

Pau wakes up, and soon the two girls are arguing over Makin. I hope they are arguing which one of them has to sleep with him instead of which one has the honor of sleeping with him. The fight turns into a lesbian catfight sex session for some reason. Even weirder is the Celtic music the film stole for their sex sequence. It is not really sex as neither bother to remove their undies, and they eventually move over to Makin once he gets his lazy butt awake. Eventually he gets around to having sex to them to some light jazz muzak music (a track that was used before) as Celtic music isn’t good enough for vampire sex. My intense study of the sex scene has revealed the Makin has three fake black claw fingernails on his left hand (thumb, index, and pinky) and zero on his right hand. Good job there, costume department!

We can only afford one cardboard coffin for now…

Eventually the sex must end, and Cool Guy is reading the book in the middle of a candle circle, the one thing that can stop Makin. Makin now has claws on all five fingers of his right hand and no fingers on his left. Does he get a fingernail claw for each women he has sex with? Because even that doesn’t add up as he has one fingernail too many. This is an unsolved mystery of Makin.

I’m Batman

Makin acts like he has a bad migraine and yells for Mattei. Dah is eating and watching John Carpenter’s Vampires (which I am sure the movie company paid properly to use the sound sample from) when Mattei comes in. She’s in her nightie because she has to be for the plot. Dah’s dad beats Mattei with a cane in a poorly choreographed sequence, by now Makin is calmly sleeping again and wakes up to avenge his servant. Cool Guy has stopped reading and grabs his stuff.

Wait! Why does my mom’s candle have no wick? And batteries???

Makin bursts into the house, and the dad just stands there and lets Makin slowly walk up and bite him. Then Makin moves for Dah, who has finally learned how to move and hides in her room, but doesn’t lock the door and just gets on the bed. What is she, three years old? Makin eye-zaps her and then starts getting it on with her unconscious self. Coitus interruptus when Cool Guy bursts in. But Makin keeps pushing him away while still pumping away at Dah. Now he has three claw fingernails on his right hand, FYI.

Wait, now two nails, he loses the one on the pinky when pushing off Cool Guy that last time. So the nails are breakaway defenses sort of like a lizard’s tail! Mystery solved. Makin gets annoyed when he can’t give a finishing bite and tries to bite Cool Guy instead, only to be repelled by his necklace and Makin disappears. Makin sulks in his coffin as the two vampired girls comfort him.

(Not) Top Gun

Cool Guy sits on his bike at the bike shop, Mitta shows up to fast seduces him to the amazement of the other two guys. But it is obvious it is all a ploy to get him de-necklaced. But we got a film to put on, people so the sex scene will happen in its entirety before anyone bothers to attack Cool Guy.

After the sexing is over Pau pops in to yell at Mitta for being such a big slore. The two women fight, which wakes up Cool Guy. He holds up the necklace and they both disappear (odd, as Mitta was closer to it when they were kissing before he took it off to no ill effect…)

When you’re a Jet you’re a Jet all the way…

All three motorcycle dudes go to see A Don. It looks like the vampire girls aren’t dead, as Dracula is yelling at them at his place. So this necklace just beams vampires away? Mitta begs for Makin to not kill Cool Guy, but he wants to. He sends the two girls to seduce A Don, they dance in front of him then bite his neck.

The three motorcycle guys prepare their weapons and then march over to kill them some vampires. They go in during daylight, open the coffin, and it is empty! D’oh!

Just where could he be?

Makin is behind them, illuminated by a flashlight shining on him in a dark room, and breathing heavily with growling noises, but they don’t notice him. A train could go by behind them and they wouldn’t notice. Makin talks a while then attacks Cool Guy, so Bandanna stabs him in the gut with a stake. Red Hair hammers the stake in more, then Cool Guy shoot Makin with the silver bullet. Which somehow knocks Makin outside. Makin lies screaming in agony, so the three guys just walk off and the movie ends. Makin doesn’t even die, he just is screaming lying on the front lawn! And what about the vampire girls or Mattei? The movie stopped caring! Booooooo!!!! We demand a massive death! This movie failed to deliver the promised bodycount. But that’s what happens when you are prohand.

The ultimate showdown!
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