Will you be Nailin' Paylin?

Larry Flint has never been one to not make a quick buck off of controversy. So it is almost natural that the first Sarah Palin porn comes out of his Huslter Video company. Nailin’ Paylin is being fast-tracked to come out before the election in November (probably a good idea as recent polls will make her a non-issue after election day) and will probably be hilariously awful.

Scenes mentioned so far:

Paylin “will be nailing the Russians who come knocking on her back-door.”

A flashback scene: “young Paylin’s creationist college professor will explain a ‘big bang’ theory even she can’t deny!”

And there is a three-way scene involving Paylin, a Hillary Clinton lookalike, and a Condi Rice lookalike.

No word on if she screws and old dude who was a POW, a Black dude who is running for president, or a current president who can’t speak straight. But that’s what sequels are for!

Palin will be played by Lisa Ann, whose hardcore resume is easily spied via Google Image Search

Hillary Clinton will be played by Nina Hartly, of the Nina Hartly’s Guide series and over 500 other films. She played the Queen of Hearts in Asswoman in Wonderland, so playing Hillary isn’t much of a stretch.

No word on who the Condi Rice lookalike will be.

UPDATE: Script found here!

Exclusive photos of Lisa Ann as Serra Paylin at some site written in crazy moon-language.

Tarzeena

Tarzeena: Jiggle in the Jungle (Review)

Tarzeena: Jiggle in the Jungle

aka Tarzeena: Queen of Kong Island

2008
Directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Medina)

Tarzeena Jiggle of the Jungle joins a long line of Tarzan-themed erotic movies. It is an anomaly in this genre, though, because it is actually entertaining and not a complete waste of celluloid. Director Fred Olen Ray manages to craft together a nice little homage to not only the Tarzan films, but those old jungle films where people wander through stock footage and movies with crazy mad scientists. Tarzeena is a great throwback to anyone who has suffered through borefests such as Nabonga. As viewers of traditional jungle flicks know, up to 25% of the film is stock footage (and sometimes shamefully more than that), there are jungle girls worshiped by natives, and there is usually a guy in a gorilla suit. We have all of those things, plus sex scenes. Tarzeena was one of several made at the same time, also including Super Ninja Doll.


Tarzeena (Christine Nguyen) – Tarzeena the Jungle Girl is the Queen of the Jungle and an expert in jungle love. She commands animals and has zero body hair. The missing granddaughter of Uncle Milton and heir to part of his fortune.and was previously seen here in Super Ninja Doll
Amanda “Mandy” Sellers (Nicole Sheridan) – Stepdaughter of Uncle Milton and recieves several million dollars after he dies, under the condition that she look for his missing relatives. Often has to urinate. Nicole Sheridan was previously seen here in Super Ninja Doll
Ted Kilton (Voodoo) – Boyfriend of Mandy and getter of lots of money. I sure hope his relationship is an open one, as both of them are bumping uglies with other people before the film ends. Adult film actor Voodoo is credited as Alexandre Boisvert and was previously seen here in Super Ninja Doll
Jack Carver (Evan Stone) – Jungle Guide Jack Carver helps our heroes find the wreckage of Bradly’s plane and the mysterious Tarzeena. and was previously seen here in Super Ninja Doll
Jed Slater (Ed Polgardy) – Lawyer for the estate of Uncle Milton, helps organize the trip to Kong Island to look for Bradly and his daughter.
Shana (Syren) – Native girl who is in love with Jack Carter, yet also assisting Dr. Mortimer in his mad experiments.and was previously seen here in Super Ninja Doll
Dr. Mortimer (Mike Gaglio) – Mad scientist performing the brain control operations. Mike Gaglio was previously seen here in Super Ninja Doll
Tabonga (Don McLeod) – Gorilla and friend of Tarzeena. Captured by the crazed Dr. Mortimer and implanted with a mind-control chip. Eventually freed and can turn on his captor. Tragically, his life is cut short by an exploding evil lair. He will be missed. Pour a 40 for Tabonga!

Tarzeena lives on Stock Footage Island – I mean Kong Island. Tarzeena’s skimpy clothing allows her to keep cool in the jungle heat, but at times she must shed her clothes and get naked. Thus she must take a shower in the waterfall. Luckily, a plane filled with hundreds of shaving blades must have crashed on the island at some point, allowing Tarzeena’s skin to remain smooth as an android’s bottom.

Upcoming Asylum Films

The company that gave us Transmorphers is still making films. Some are still Mockbusters, but some are mysteriously somewhat original. Hmmm…

SUNDAY SCHOOL MUSICAL – Two competing groups of high school students must rally together and enter a song and dance competition in order to save their church from closing
Merlin
MERLIN AND THE WAR OF THE DRAGONS – An army of dragons invade the crippled English countryside and the apprentice wizard Merlin must confront the fire-breathing beasts.
Earth Stopped
THE DAY THE EARTH STOPPED – Hundreds of massive intergalactic robots appear in all of the major world capitals with an ultimatum: Prove the value of human civilization or be destroyed.

18 YEAR OLD VIRGIN – An 18 year old girl tries to lose her virginity on the last night of her high school graduation.
(Yeah, THAT will be hard, unless she weighs 300 pounds. Even still, she wouldn’t have that hard of a time…)

SUPERNOVA – As increased radiation and ever large solar storms wreak havoc on the Earth, scientists realize that our sun is dying and will soon end in an explosion that will destroy the galaxy.

DRAGONQUEST – When an ancient warlord summons a mythological beast, a young hero must complete a series of quests to awaken the dragon that can defeat the monster.

COUNTDOWN: ARMAGEDDON – After a series of catastrophic disasters, a destabilized society is pushed into a global war.

MEGA SHARK VS. GIANT SQUID – The California coast is terrorized by two enormous prehistoric sea creatures as they battle each other for supremacy of the ocean.

TRANSMORPHERS 2 – In this present day prequel, the robot invaders attack Earth, forcing a small band of humans to seek refuge below the surface of the planet.
YES! More Transmorphers!

Foywonder Story

MEGA SHARK VS. GIANT SQUID sounds promising, unless you have seen any Asylum film, thus you get a sinking feelin about what could have been. Maybe things will be better. I sure hope so!

Two Dragon-themed films, maybe the numbers on DRAGON was pretty good.

Cats and Dogs 2 – coming soon

The sequel no one wanted. Joining the dozens of other sequels no one wanted.

‘Cats & Dogs’ lands human leads
Chris O’Donnell, Jack McBrayer join CGI-blended film

Borys Kit and Jay A. Fernandez

Oct 1, 2008, 12:00 AM ET
Chris O’Donnell and Jack McBrayer are the live-action stars of Warner Bros. and Village Roadshow’s “Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore,” which is being directed by Brad Peyton.

Andrew Lazar is producing the CGI-blended movie via his Mad Chance banner along with former Warner Independent head Polly Cohen.

The movie continues the story of the battle between cats and dogs for control of Earth. Ron Friedman and Steve Bencich — who have made family movies and talking animals their bag with “Brother Bear,” “Chicken Little” and “Open Season” — wrote the script.

How did it take TWO reporters to write this tiny story?