Starship Troopers 3: Marauder

2008
Directed by Edward Neumeier

Would you like to know more? Because we got more! More bugs, more troopers, more kill them all! Get your war on and suit up, trooper! You want to live forever? Johnny Rico is back! That alone makes this film rule. Plus, Edward Neumeier returns to help bring this franchise back on track. He wrote the first two films, but directs this one. Starship Troopers 2 wasn’t very good, mostly limited due to the budget, and also kept the satire to just bookend portions while the bulk of the film was just people talking in dark rooms. Now we have less talking and more killing, which is just what we like here at TarsTarkas.NET! Join the Federation today, the Federation of citizens who read this review of Starship Troopers 3: Marauder! Don’t drown in the satire!

Colonel Johnny Rico (Casper Van Dien) – Johnny Rico is back! Where would we be without Casper telling us to “Kill ’em all!”? Nowhere, that’s where. And that is where the previous DTV sequel went. Johnny Rico is now a Colonel, and has been on the front the entire time. This makes him more sympathetic to the plight of local farmers. Lola Beck (Jolene Blalock) – She’s the personal pilot for the Sky Marshall, and a tough broad who is entertaining as well. Has a thing for Dix. T’Pol is here doing her best imitation of Angelina Jolie and Denise Richards morphed into one. General Dix Hauzer (Boris Kodjoe) – Johnny Rico’s old friend is now a bigwig in the government. They still dress in very Nazi-esque clothes. In love with Lola Beck. The guy who replaced Doogie Howser is Dix Hauzer… Sky Marshall Omar Anoke (Stephen Hogan) – Psychic and a singer, the leader of all human-kind. Yes, seriously. Eventually wanders into a gigantic mouth vagina. Admiral Enolo Phid (Amanda Donohoe) – Some random Admiral, she’s probably not important, even though she’s pretending to be the missing Sky Marshall and imprisoning people who blab. Oh, wait…

Bugs! – Let’s meet the Arachnids:

Bug Warrior – These bugs are still dumb as rocks. Rocks from the short bus. Brain Bug – Hey, a familiar vagina-faced creature returns! It’s afraid! NOT! Not immune to lots of machine gun bullets. Scorpion – This bug is cool, because all they needed to do was build a tail, and one that looks strangely like the tail from Scorponok from Transformers. Not that it was intentional. Much. Bombardier Bug – Grenade!!! BOOOOOOOM!!! Of course in a film about religion they have a suicide bomber. You don’t have to be a brain bug to figure that one out. Behemecoatyl – It is one of those queen things hinted at in the novel! Nice to see some cool stuff. And it won’t be the only thing from the novel to finally make it on screen! This guy’s vagina-shaped face is even more vagina-y. So much of a vagina that someone even walks into it! And I am sure there are fetish sites for this on the internet. The Brain of Brains.

Missing in action are the flying bugs, that big bug who spat orange cola that was acid, and the bugs who fired anti-spaceship blasts from their butts. But their butt missiles are in the movie.

News report tells us that this is Bug War 2! (Electric Bug-aloo!) There are new bugs, new top secret weapons, and war protestors being executed as traitors. Wait, wha-? A special message from Admiral Enolo Phid informs us that religion is only tolerated if you don’t disrupt society. Also, everyone loves Sky Marshall Anoke, who is psychic and a singer. You love him too, and want to buy his merchandise and help fund the war. Listen to the new hit single, A Good Day To Die, by the Sky Marshall. All the cool kids are listening to him!

Meanwhile on planet Roku San, it is the new front line. Thrill as a dude gets killed by a grenade exploding a shovel threw him. This is to tell us that the wacky bloody deaths are still in order. Johnny Rico and his assistant Lt. Manion (who despite her name is 100% lady, well, 90% lady and 10% breast implants….) The Sky Marshall is coming to visit, as is Dix Hauser, old friend of Johnny Rico and now top brass. SM Anoke’s pilot is Lola Beck, who is Johnny’s old flame and Dix Hauser’s current flame. Basically, she’s a flamer. The farmers are all rednecks who don’t like the military, which give credence to the theory that these movies are basically the types of movies that this culture would make as propaganda films. Johnny, Dix, and Lola and the farmers watch as war protesters are hung on TV, while Lt. Manion gives SM Anoke a tour (and SM Anoke promptly disappears to do suspicious things…) Dix and a farmer get into a fight, despite Johnny trying to quell the flames. Dix and the farmer brawl, and Dix pulls a gun, causing Johnny to step in and make Dix even madder. Dix lives up to his name. until bugs start attacking their base, as the shields are down. I am sure the missing SM who is a psychic has nothing to do with this. Anyway, Johnny leads his troops to battle, despite Dix trying to have him arrested for attacking a superior officer. Rico launches a barrage of quotes such as the “Come on you apes, you want to live forever?” quote. The bugs tear up some nameless dudes, throwing guts all over the place. Everyone retreats to the main compound, and Johnny orders the “Kill ’em all!” order. What were they waiting for?

Dix finds the wandering around aimlessly SM Anoke, and gets him to Lola Beck, she pilots Anoke off the planet (but Dix stays behind.) Lola’s ship, the Geronimo, manages to get shot down in warp. There is an emergency evac, and a few new characters in the same shuttle as Lola and the Sky Marshall.

Meet the castaways!

Holly Little (Marnette Patterson) – Flight attendant and religious person. Prays for a miracle. It comes in the form of flaming death from above! Bull Brittles (Stelio Savante) – Crew Chief with a thing for Holly Little. Jingo (Jon Falkow) – Cook. Not the brightest bulb in the deck of cards. Or something. Somehow goes from a nice character to a complete jerk about 30 seconds before he gets killed. Spoilers. Jon Falkow is also known as Cokey Falkow. Dr. Wiggs (Danny Keogh) – Old doctor guy, who recognizes that SM Anoke might be losing it. Danny Keogh was married to Lisa Marie Presley! That was before either Michael Jackson or Nicholas Cage.

Congrats on not using the Roger Young being destroyed graphics to show the Gernonimo dying!

NEWSFLASH! Defeat at Roku San, they aren’t even listing casualty numbers anymore. Because no one can count that high. Rico is disgraced, court-martialed, and in jail awaiting execution. Peace protests on outer colonies lead by a decorated war veteran who is now a Christian and in a wheelchair. We also get a rousing speech from Sky Marshall Anoke, but it is really Admiral Phid in a VR costume! Dix Hauser is not happy, and finds out from a random Lt. that there was a distress call sent by Sky Marshall Anoke’s ship (and thus Lola Beck’s ship) but it was ignored. Conspiracy!

About those survivors, the six in the escape pod (see above) start squabbling, but have to march 100 miles or so to where the escape pod with the marines landed. On the way, they notice bugs wandering around, and the Sky Marshall starts talking about God. Also, the bugs seem to be herding them into a general direction (but they are going that way, anyway.) Johnny Rico is hung on Earth as a traitor. Or not, he is secretly saved by Dix Hauser, who tells Rico that he has a secret mission for him. A secret mission? In uncharted space? To infinity, and beyond! Also, conversation reveals the Brain Bug from Planet P is still alive, and still a sloppy vagina attached to a mega-maggot.

NEWSFLASH! The Q Bomb can destroy a whole planet! And sign up with the fleet! Would you like to know more?

Citizens are so loyal, 110% of them vote!

Sanctuary – Home of the fleet, location classified. Only a few people know location – and Lola Beck is one of them! Rico is on Starship Shiloh, Athena Class, which is doing the Marauder project. You all know about the Marauder project, so I don’t have to explain. Okay, they will send 7 troopers, including Rico, in giant robot mech suits called Marauders to blast the crap out of the bugs and rescue the Sky Marshall (and Dix Hauser’s girlfriend.) What a project! Dix finds out Admiral Phid is killing the Lt. that helped him, then Dix is captured as well, and NEWSFLASH turns on and a bomb is set off, claiming to have made Dix and the Sky Marshall go missing. All of it is blamed on peace protesters. Would you like to know more?

On the planet, the doctor was eaten by something underground, while for some reason the cook Jingo goes from cool to a big jerk, and gets eaten by some sort of rock protrusion. Oh, Jingo, why did you have to go bad? You weren’t a jerk until one minute before your death.

Rico has his crew, and they disrobe so the mechanisms can interface. NUDITY! Rock and roll!

Let’s Meet the Marauders!

Johnny Rico (Casper Van Dien) – we all know the Hero of Planet P! Sgt. Kirby (Nicole Tupper) – The only female who is not surgically enhanced, and also the most attractive. Slug Skinner (Garth Breytenbach) – Shy about dropping trow. And we find out why his mom called him Slug (because he can be killed by salt!) Sgt. Sunday (Tanya van Graan) – Is surgically enhanced. That’s all we know about her. Lt. Link Manion (Cécile Breccia) – Rico’s Lt. from Roku San, she also lost the Sky Marshall when he was off being evil. Lt. Danner (Graeme Richards) – We know nothing about him. Did I mention this movie has great characterization? Hightower (Antonio Summerton) – Hightower? It’s because he’s black, and Hightower from Police Academy was black, isn’t it? Just kidding. We know nothing about him as well.

At the Alamo Bay Underground Research Facility (in Cuba), a handcuffed Dix is taken with Admiral Phid to see the Brain Bug, and footage of the Sky Marshall Anoke acting weird and talking to it psychically. Phid says he is corrupted. Apparently if the Brain Bug and you connect psychically, it can control you. Which means that the Neil Patrick Harris character is probably dead. Just like Harold and Kumar. Sniff. They believe that the Brain Bug allowed itself to be captured to spy inside the Federation, and uses Sky Marshall Anoke to communicate with God, which is really a bug pretending to be God. This bug is on the planet where the Sky Marshall and the rest are currently stranded. They know they need to stop the Brain Bug, but the Brain Bug knows and goes all Scanners on them. Heads explode, and Dix machine guns the Brain Bug dead. Admiral Phid is not killed, either, because she had a speaking roll.

On planet, they reach the dropship area, but Sky Marshall Anoke is ranting about Behemecoatyl, the one true God, brain of brains. Excuse me, but Brain from Pinky and the Brain is the brain of brains. Problems arise as all the marines are dead due to an air leak before the ship even landed. Too late to leave now, as God Bug is coming!

Fantasy or nightmare?!?!

Bug arms are poking up out of ground. Because this God Bug is ginormous, miles and miles big. Chief Hal is killed, and the ship is ripped up by Behemecoatyl. What does God need with a starship? Sky Marshall Anoke is happy, because he is delusionally insane. God Bug uses the three dead dudes (Doc, Jingo, and Hall) to speak in human voices. It is like an even creepier version of that scene from ID4. The Sky Marshall’s treachery is revealed, and he wants God Bug to get the location of Sanctuary from Lola Beck. Flight Attendant Holly goes all biblical on the Sky Marshall, breaking out the devil pseudonyms. But he knocks her aside and then is stabbed by the God Bug, who says it wants to pacify the human race. Anoke is brought into giant dripping vagina mouth of God Bug and ate, absorbing all his knowledge of fleet secrets. Just like any other vagina.

Religious subtext, you say?

Holly and Lola pray for a miracle. It arrives…in mech form! (Please note the religious symbolism that will now ooze all over this sequence!) The mechs stomp in…and blow the living tar out of the place and shoot and flame bugs dead. The Orkin Man could never do so good. Even the Orkinator, for those of you who remember those commercials. These mechs rule, and make this film great just by themselves. It is time to go home, and the fleet is in orbit.

On shipside, the new Sky Marshall is Admiral Phid, while Dix is the #2 guy. He offers to make Johnny a General (he declines.) They will crack the planet with Q bomb, as the God Bug is like 1/4 of the planet. Dix and Lola kiss as the planet explodes, they are engaged, and Lola wants to get married in a church!

I still can’t see how this references religion…

NEWSFLASH – Sky Marshall Anoke is JFK, complete with eternal flame memorial and saluting son. Peace protestors all executed. Dix and Lola get hitched. God is back, and he’s a citizen! Join today! Would you like to know more?

This was great compared to the previous sequel. The only major flaw was the missing theme music, which should have been blaring out during every scene. That would have been total immersion into the Starship Troopers universe. The satire is rich and creamy, especially with the Federation learning to use religion as a tool from the bugs, even altering the Federation signage so it is filled with crosses. I am sure it totally didn’t mean to criticize certain elements of a current conflict. Not at all. So our advice? Sign up and be a citizen today, see this film as soon as you can, before bugs slam a meteor down your pants!

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