The Heat
The Heat
2013
Written by Katie Dippold
Directed by Paul Feig
Sandra Bullock and Melissa McCarthy give us a fucking hilarious action comedy with The Heat. The swear word is used in spirit with the film, which throws F-bombs like an NFL quarterback. Before we continue, be advised I saw this at a free public screening, so once again Tars has sold out.
The Heat is not afraid to be rough around the edges and show violence as it is, violent. Characters are killed with large bullet holes and blood splatters, while a villain who dismembers his victims is the target of Ashburn’s investigation in Boston. The Heat takes advantage of the R-rating to not sugar coat the consequences. Paul Feig gives a worthy Bridesmaids followup that is still female focused, which is great because that film inspired a whole host of woman-centered comedies that have shined more than not.
The two female lead roles are unique in that the reasons no one likes their characters has nothing to do with the fact that they are women and everything to do with them being terrible people to work with. This doesn’t mean they are bad at their jobs, they are among the best. But they work best alone because they are on such a different page than their coworkers. Rowdy Detective Shannon Mullins (Melissa McCarthy) berates and yells at her boss (played by a hilarious Tom Wilson from Back to the Future) so much he’s rapidly aging. Straitlaced Agent Sarah Ashburn (Sandra Bullock) spends most of her field ops criticizing her fellow agents and upstaging everyone with finding hidden evidence, including the dogs.
Read more…
That new Marlon Wayans found footage flick is called A Haunted House
And A Haunted House just got picked up to come to a theater near you on January 11, 2013! We reported on it a while ago before it even had an official name. And now look at it. They grow up so fast ::sniff:: Remember, A Haunted House was going to be called Smart Ass at one time. That was a thing that almost happened. You be the judge on if we missed out on something cool…
As we said:
From the creators of Scary Movie comes another hilarious horror spoof, a parody of the Paranormal Activity franchise. When newlyweds Malcolm (Marlon Wayans) and Kisha (Essence Atkins) move into their dream house, they quickly find they’re not alone. But it’s not the house that’s haunted, but his wife that is possessed with spirits – or as Malcolm calls it – “relationship baggage.” Malcolm hires everyone from a priest to modern day ghostbusters to rid her of the demon, determined not to let the evil spirit ruin his marriage… or his sex life for that matter.” The pic will also spoof Paramount’s The Devil Inside.
Marlon Wayans cowrote it as well, and Michael Tiddes directs. At one point Cedric the Entertainer was listed on info about the flick, but I don’t see him anywhere any more. Hmmmm… David Koechner and Nick Swardson are listed as costars.
Categories: Movie News Tags: David Koechner, Essence Atkins, Marlon Wayans, Michael Tiddes, Nick Swardson
Found Footage Spoof with Cedric the Entertainer and Marlon Wayans
Marlon Wayans is jumping back into the world of spoofing horror films, and he’s dragging Cedric the Entertainer kicking and screaming! Okay, maybe he’s doing it willingly, but does that follow the horror film motif? I think not. We got to be proper!
The plot:
From the creators of Scary Movie comes another hilarious horror spoof, a parody of the Paranormal Activity franchise. When newlyweds Malcolm (Marlon Wayans) and Kisha (Essence Atkins) move into their dream house, they quickly find they’re not alone. But it’s not the house that’s haunted, but his wife that is possessed with spirits – or as Malcolm calls it – “relationship baggage.” Malcolm hires everyone from a priest to modern day ghostbusters to rid her of the demon, determined not to let the evil spirit ruin his marriage… or his sex life for that matter.” The pic will also spoof Paramount’s The Devil Inside.
The original working title was Smart Ass, but that’s being changed, maybe because the title is too close to the Academy Award winning 2505 film Ass. I also like that added line at the end about The Devil Inside, which looks quickly added once that film made money at the box office despite being worse than anything the Wayans have ever made. Even Most Wanted! Found footage horror films are getting annoying, so hopefully this nameless beast trashes them good. Or at least trashes them some.
via DreadCentral
Everyone wants me!
Categories: Movie News Tags: Cedric the Entertainer, Essence Atkins, Marlon Wayans
GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra (Review)
GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra
2009
Directed by Stephen Sommers
We all knew GI Joe was going to get a movie the second Transformers made a gajillion dollars at the theaters and suddenly every toy franchise in the universe got a movie deal (coming this summer…Starriors: The Movie!) and GI Joe was the other major 80s toy line Hasbro had. So the question is, would it be as horrible as the Transformers franchise? Surprisingly, GI Joe is not as terrible as Transformers. Or maybe it isn’t that surprising, as it is pretty hard to be as terrible as Transformers. Entire generations have lived and died and not made a movie as horrible as Transformers 2, but that is another review for another time. Now, we dip out pen into the mediocre ink that is GI Joe.
The GI Joe toy line started in 1964 with 12-inch action figures (in fact, the GI Joe line invented the term action figure. I have to pay them $3 every time I use the term “action figure”) and the modern 3 3/4 inch line began in 1982. As that is the line that was around when I was a kid, it is the best line ever and all others pale in comparison. The modern GI Joe line were dubbed “A Real American Hero” and spent their time fighting a terrorist group known as Cobra that wished to conquer the world. As those who watch the cartoon are aware, Cobra would come up with a lunatic plan to take over the world, GI Joe would bumble into the middle of it, Snake Eyes would breakdance, Cobra Commander would have a Trillion dollar secret base shaped like a 6 mile high giant cobra, and Shipwreck would get drunk and puke on Scarlett. Then the plan is foiled and Cobra Commander and crew get away, with no casualties ever. Except a few in the comic book (and some in that multi-part alternate universe cartoon episode that was awesome!)
So now, with the US actually in a controversial war on terror and the international fallout of such war, one wondered what that would do to the GI Joe movie. Because, nowadays, many movies make more money overseas than in the US. And, amazingly enough, movies where the USA runs around and blows up whoever they want willy-nilly doesn’t get a lot over play overseas. Movie studios are soulless corporations that desire only one thing: mad money. Sorry to burst your bubble if you thought movie studios cared about telling good stories, but the recent trend of rebooting everything under the sun should have opened the eyes of the few of you still living in the dark. Thus, GI Joe is now a multi-national secret organization. To prove how multi-national they are, they have two foreign dudes. This generated some controversy among pundits, but pundits are morons, so who cares what they think. The main thing is they changed things a bit from when I was a kid, and thus they raped my childhood with a red hot poker. Sideways.
Actually, I don’t care that much. What I do like the least about this film is it is an origin story. Why do we need an origin? Who cares how GI Joe got started, I want to see them blast up some Vipers! Save the origins for the tie-in comics. I am sick of origins. What’s next, a prequel showing us what Lil’ Duke did in high school and how Cobra Commander had sex with a pie? Because if Eugene Levy is in it, I’ll go see it. No I won’t.
They did two things to try to appeal to an international audience. First, they got the most British-est US president they could find. The last time someone that British was in charge of the USA, we were thirteen colonies shooting from behind fences. Second, GI Joe is now an international team. In fact, G.I.J.O.E. is now an acronym for “Global Integrated Joint Operating Entity.” Someone get the rape whistle!
So do you like nanotechonology? Because this movie will nanotechnology the frak out of you! If you believe this movie, nanotechnology can do anything! Every scene is just “Nanotech, nanotech, nanotech!” and then things blow up. Nanotech is this movie’s magic fairy dust. It explains everything, even what the writers are too dumb to explain properly themselves. Nanotech also explains why I am reviewing this so late, because I was fighting a nanotech virus. I nanostabbed it in its nanosoul, and it nanodied.
We’re going to assume you are familiar with the 1980s cartoon for the purposes of this review, so if you ain’t, jokes are going to fly over your head. So you better be prepared! Because knowing is half the battle…
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White Chicks 2 – Live Free or White Chick
Yes, we’re getting a sequel to White Chicks! Everyone celebrate!
which will see Marlon and Shawn Wayans reprise their roles as sibling FBI agents posing as a pair of white ladies.
Keenen Ivory Wayans is on board to direct the sequel, which all three Wayans are writing and producing. The logline for the new entry is being kept under wraps.
Categories: Movie News Tags: Marlon Wayans, Shawn Wayans, White Chicks 2
Dungeons & Dragons (Review)
Dungeons & Dragons
2000
Starring
Jeremy Irons as Profion
Bruce Payne as Damodar
Justin Whalin as Ridley Freeborn
Marlon Wayans as Snails
Zoe McLellan as Marina Pretensa
Thora Birch as Empress Savina
A group of high schoolers sit around a table drinking copious amounts of Mt. Dew, all while pretending to be orcs or sorcerers and rolling handfuls of dice with more sides than golf balls have dimples in this thrilling true to life adaptation of the classic game. No, wait, instead we get a live-action adventure that puts the “Dung” in Dungeons & Dragons. Ignoring the shelves of existing literature set in the D&D universe littering bookstores and comic book shops, and also ignoring the fairly decent cartoon of the late 1980’s, the director instead chose to give us an all-new adventure, which breaks new ground in the amount of source material ignored in order to produce a terrible Hollywood movie of an existing property. Director Courtney Solomon had the rights for the film for ten years, and this is his best effort. The culmination of all his dreams. His shining star in a dark void. Ten years…..wasted! Drunken monkeys banging away on keyboards with bananas produced better scripts in that time. The lone bright spot of the movie is Jeremy Irons seemed to realize what junk he was in, and had a grand ol’ time hamming up, over acting, and becoming the best performance in the film.
His sorcerer gone mad in his lust for power and dragon control is fun to watch, hilarious at times. Fellow villain Bruce Payne plays his Damodar character with a permanent scowl and low voiced threat voice that he seemed to either be loving his role, or he was awakened each morning at 4 am by construction and the scowl lasted all day. Either way, it’s a boon for us, as fun with acting is always preferable to being bored to tears. Grab your +3 Mace and come with me on a grand adventure, a quest to parts unknown to retrieve an ancient device, the magical “Eject” button of the DVD player!
Categories: Movie Reviews, Ugly Tags: Bruce Payne, CGI trainwreck, dragons, Jeremy Irons, Justin Whalin, Marlon Wayans, The book was better, Thora Birch, wacky faces, Zoe McLellan
