Nowhere Safe – the internet returns to kill again, on UP!

Nowhere Safe Up

We ruined your printer, Ellen Feiss! And now we ruin you. Beep beep beep beep beep!


[adrotate banner=”1″]Just when you thought it was safe to go on the internet, now you will learn there is Nowhere Safe! Because beyond cyber bullying, there is reverse cyber bullying! It’s like normal cyber bullying, but in reverse. And you can’t get away, no matter how hard you try, no matter how grey your hoodie. It’s true, the movie says so!

After two teen girls cruelly impersonate her online in a “reverse cyber bullying” plot, Ashley’s reputation is ruined. She and her mother Julie (a high school teacher) are ostracized, forcing them to flee an escalating threat to their lives. Starting over at a new school miles away, romantic interests and the poignant lessons from an eccentric history teacher draw them out of seclusion until they realize confronting a hurtful past is essential to ensure a brighter future.

Nowhere Safe is directed by Brian Brough (Snow Beast) and written by Brittany Wiscombe (also Snow Beast) It stars Danielle Chuchran as Ashley Evans , Natasha Henstridge as Julie Johnson, and Jamie Kennedy as Kevin Carlisle

Nowhere Safe premieres Sunday, October 5th on UP! For those of you who don’t know what UP is, it’s a channel with UPlifting content. AKA family friendly stuff that leans Christian. They also come out with a bunch of new movies, thus pulling the interest of TarsTarkas.NET.

Nowhere Safe is also important because thanks to Up’s link, I now know about the Dove Foundation, which looks like the next generation of CAP Alert. Check out the Dove Foundation page on Nowhere Safe, which let’s us know that a girl who had falsely accused another girl is pelted with donuts. Besides being Dove approved, Nowhere Safe is Homer Simpson approved!

via UP

Get grabbed by Bermuda Tentacles on SyFy!

Bermuda Tentacles SyFy Asylum
[adrotate banner=”1″]Holy guacamole, SyFy Saturday Creature Features are returning! You might have noticed how we haven’t mentioned a SyFy Original Movie premiere at all in 2014, and that’s not because we’ve just been too darn lazy to write about them. It’s because there hasn’t been any! Until now! April 12th will be the first of the year, with Bermuda Tentacles! Asylum are the people to thank for this masterpiece, starring Linda Hamilton.

When Air Force One goes down over the Bermuda Triangle, the Navy sends its best rescue team. But in saving the President, the team awakens a monster which threatens America’s entire Eastern Seaboard and, ultimately, the world.

A nice return to the monster mayhem. The only image so far of the monster make it look like Doctor Octopus’ tentacles have come alive! I’ll also make the required “Why isn’t this tentacle monster near Japan?” joke that everyone is thinking. Now you have to come up with an all-new joke, buddy! Never fear, Jamie Kennedy will be in the film as well. I’m not sure if he’s the monster or the president or a tentacle, but Kennedy is a master of disguise and will probably play all three roles.

Hopefully this will lead to more SyFy Original Movies airing, or else I’ll be stuck writing about Lifetime Channel (which isn’t that bad…) The ratings for original movies last year were not spectacular (though you could argue moving them to Thursdays also didn’t help!), even Sharknado didn’t get killer ratings until the second of third time it aired, despite huge social media awareness. The solution is to be a Nielsen family and get the ratings for SyFy. Or, find someone who is a Nielsen family, and then eat them to become them, and then watch Bermuda Tentacles. It’s really the same thing, because us average Joes don’t count.

via SyFy

4CLOSED – Lifetime Movie Network brings foreclosure terror!

4closed jamie kennedy
[adrotate banner=”1″]Tonight (8-30-2013) is the premiere of 4CLOSED on Lifetime Movie Network. A happy couple buys a foreclosed home, only to find the previous owner is Jamie Kennedy! Worse yet, it’s a crazy Jamie Kennedy! Even more unbelievable, he’s a murderous stalker who wants his house back! Yes, screw the banksters, the real villains are their victims, who then lash out at innocent people who just want to buy a house. It’s Pacific Heights for the new millenium!

As this is Lifetime, we know it’s an evil man doing all this. Evil, evil men.

4CLOSED stars Marlee Matlin, Jamie Kennedy, Alex Frnka, and Paul Sorvino