The Bullet Vanishes

The Bullet Vanishes

aka 消失的子彈 aka Xiao shi de zi dan aka Ghost Bullets
The Bullet Vanishes
2012
Written by Yeung Sin-Ling and Law Chi-Leung
Action Directed by Nicky Li Chung-Chi
Directed by Law Chi-Leung

The Bullet Vanishes
Bodies begin appearing at an ammunitions factory that have been shot but with no apparent bullet. The mystery crimes draw the investigators into a web of corruption, murder, and betrayal. Thus, The Bullet Vanishes sets the tone, as a mystery/police procedural that has all the layers of government and business corruption that you’d find in an episode of The Wire.
The Bullet Vanishes
Part of the fun of The Bullet Vanishes is just watching Inspector Song (Lau Ching-Wan, Black Mask) do his thing. Song is methodical and deductive, not afraid to put himself in danger in order to get to the truth. Song values the truth above all else, this integrity is why he’s appointed as an officer to weed out corruption.
The Bullet Vanishes
Song immediately attaches himself to Captain Guo Zhui (Nicholas Tse Ting-Fung, Treasure Inn), who is Song’s new department’s best detective, in that he doesn’t let the rich and powerful get away with anything, either. Captain Guo is more brash, more likely to threaten and fight, but he’s also the fastest draw in town, so his threats are backed up with deeds. Guo’s also showing the ropes to his partner, the junior detective Xiaowu (Boran Jing Bo-Ran, The Guillotines), including advising Xiaowu to take some bribes so he doesn’t become a target.

Guo’s instincts and Song’s scientific approaches mesh well, helped by both of their obsessions with finding the answers. Much of their time is dealt with impatient factory owners, rude foremen, panicked workers, and their annoyed corrupt Chief, who is just trying to get to retirement with all his bribe money before these murders muck everything up.
Yang Mi The Bullet Vanishes
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The Stealth Sex Fiend

The Stealth Sex Fiend

aka 隱形淫魔之勇擒貴利雙柴 aka Invisible Erotomania
Stealth Sex Fiend
2003
Written and directed by ???

Invisible dudes love reading porn!

People ask me all the time “Tars, why do you watch those terrible cheap foreign softcore films that have no redeeming value and are terrible and bad and terrible? Also, where can I get a copy?” And I like to remind myself and the world that even these terrible terrible films have value. These films say things, show things, and reveal much about relationships and gender roles in their country of origin (as well as what country’s porn is influencing them!) that regular budgeted cinema fails to do. While many of those films operate under a layer of characters and nuance and meaning, some of these softcore flicks are just a stripped-down raw look into their culture. Many are terrible because they have no money, but also because they show things that are terrible. I’m not saying that The Stealth Sex Fiend has some sort of double-secret true meaning of life, or that watching smut will change the world. But it might just make someone understand things somewhere a tiny bit more. And that’s not so bad, is it?

What do you do when you want to make a movie starring some ugly dude going invisible and getting his rape on when you got no money? You have him wear a goofy purple bodysuit and give it wavy effects! Sure, it doesn’t work at all, but you do have one of the creepiest softcore sex scenes ever.

Stealth Sex Fiend

Suddenly a Fringe Festival breaks out!


Okay, I’ll level with you, I watched this only because I heard the effects for the invisibility were ridiculous, and I was not disappointed. Imagine a guy in a purple bodysuit and some video toasters swirly effects that try to make it look all Predator-vision. Even though Predator-vision makes no sense for how someone is invisible. The only half-way decent thing that happened in this film was the ending, which will be spoiled, because if anyone cares what happens at the end of The Stealth Sex Fiend, then you deserve to be launched into the sun.

Our Hero (in that he heroically turns invisible to rape women while his girlfriend is kidnapped) is murdered by said kidnapped girlfriend in retaliation for him abandoning her. As Our Hero was a disgusting idiot, it is a joyous thing to watch him be killified dead. A happy ending that we deserved for sitting through this junk.

Stealth Sex Fiend

Who would have thought Predator vs.The Blue Man Group would be so boring?


The Stealth Sex Fiend is a film that it’s hard to find any real information on in English. Everything is the same two-three copy/pasted synopses that don’t even agree on the English name of the title, and even the HKMDB has not bothered giving an entry. It’s a film that people would rather be forgotten, a film that is just terrible and depicts terrible acts. A film that turned on its own main character. Back when nudie cutie films were first being shown, there was a subgenre known as roughies, which featured the nudity but also people being killed. The situation was that because they couldn’t show sexual release, the release of all the pent up feelings of the audience was depicted by characters being killed. The Stealth Sex Fiend inadvertently follows this point in a modified manner, the pent up terribleness becomes a force that has to be unleashed, killing the main character, otherwise people would just go bonkers. I’m talking end of the world scenario here. The Stealth Sex Fiend both inadvertently caused and then prevented the end of us all. It is one of those scary things that no one will ever know about except a few brave souls who watched a terrible movie about a invisible rapist who was really purple.

We can’t find a reliable cast list, and you better believe there wasn’t any subtitles. But at TarsTarkas.NET, we don’t need no stinking subtitles!

Stealth Sex Fiend

I will give the women in this movie credit: They do keep clean!


Guy (???) – Our hero, to ugly and lazy to get a job, but not to buy weirdo sex pills from a shady guy. Doesn’t really care for his girlfriend.
Invisible Guy (???) – He’s invisible! I certainly can’t see him, and neither can you. Invisibility gives him the boldness to do things he wouldn’t do if he wasn’t in a purple bodysuit. I mean, if he wasn’t invisible. Because he’s totally invisible.
Sui-Fong (???) – The girlfriend of the main character, she spends most of her time either working out or being kidnapped. Is not fond of being left at the kidnappers’ place by a jerk boyfriend.
Narrator (???) – Narrates out story and sells weirdo sex pills to the main character, thus propelling the story forward. Was this whole movie just an elaborate ruse for Narrator to kill of the main character and collect a life insurance policy? I have no proof, but I say yes!

Stealth Sex Fiend

Somehow I don’t think this is the guy’s apartment…


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A Chinese Odyssey Part Two – Cinderella

A Chinese Odyssey Part Two – Cinderella

aka 西遊記完結篇仙履奇緣 aka Sai yau gei: Daai git guk ji – Sin leui kei yun

1995
Written and directed by Jeff Lau Chun-Wai
A Chinese Odyssey Part Two - Cinderella
Thus continues the fairy tales and romantic adventures of a guy named Joker who is really Monkey King with A Chinese Odyssey Part Two – Cinderella. The sweeping action and epic timescope of the original is expanded on, while the extra time gives us a chance to get to know a few of the characters we saw little of in the first part. Don’t worry, there are generous amounts of ridiculous slapstick, special effects fights,

Part of the fun of these Hong Kong films is the varying quality of the copy that is used for DVDs. In this case, the copy has burnt in subtitles, which calls some characters slightly different names than in Part 1. I’ve done my best to try to rectify the situation, but welcome to planet reality. If you missed the review of A Chinese Odyssey Part One – Pandora’s Box, it is here.
A Chinese Odyssey Part Two - Cinderella
Even more fun, the plot of Part Two is vastly more complicated, and is rendered further difficult because several characters switch bodies in the second half. And yet, despite the zaniness, it works, as actors get more to do and the danger of repetitiveness is staved off for a while. While a tale as large as this can run the risk of becoming far too long, the brisk pace prevents fatigue from setting in. Some reviews I read thought this section was confusing and ruined the film, but I see it more as helping things from getting too stale. And if you try to follow things too logically, your brain will explode, as the timeline gets completely disrupted by all the time travel. Let’s just say there is probably a reality where King Bull opens a casino in Hill Valley…

The lovers on the roof scene at the end has become an iconic shot that is instantly recognized by people who haven’t even seen the movie in years. It’s also one of my favorite moments in Hong Kong cinema, because the whole thing is perfect. The closure of the lovers story, the chance for Monkey King to talk one last time to the woman he loved but cannot love, the looks of the torn emotions of the two characters on the roof, the look back as Monkey King walks away, and especially the music, all making a perfect storm of awesome.
A Chinese Odyssey Part Two - Cinderella
The tales of destined true love that endures lots of hardships and doesn’t usually end in happy endings are common themes in the works of both Lau and Chow. This time they even have characters literally speaking to the heart to learn the heart’s desire and true love. Another common thread in Steve Chow’s films is him having a whole host of women who fall for him. It’s good to be the king! Add to that to his reputation as a playboy and how different the women are in some of Chow’s later films, and you get the feeling there is some sort of hangup about women. But that’s a whole article to itself.

The Chinese Odyssey films would end up becoming so beloved that attempts would be made to recapture the magic. Lau would return with A Chinese Odyssey 2002, and try again with A Chinese Tall Tale, and then Yet Another Pandora’s Box. While each of those films have their own merits, none of them achieve the level of special significance that the originals did. Chow also used the nostalgia of these films to excite everyone with his return to directing for Journey to the West: Conquering the Demons, though that film is so tonally different that they are only connected by the true love theme. Several other adaptations of Journey to the West are in the pipeline, the popularity of the stories will ensure their retelling for generations. Some will attempt to be creative and unique, while others will rely on the past and be lazy and derivative. We may one day see a challenger to the throne, but for now, it is time to hail to the Monkey King, baby!
A Chinese Odyssey Part Two - Cinderella

Joker/Monkey King (Stephen Chow Sing-Chi) – Joker is trapped in the past and realizes he is also Monkey King. But his whole thoughts are based on trying to get back to the future to be with his love Jing Jing. Except now this new lady Lin Zixia is insisting that he is her true love. And Monkey King’s old friends and foes show up, leading to a confrontation between powers.
Lin Zixia/Lin Qingxia/Purple/Spider Web Immortal (Athena Chu Yun) – Lin Zixia escaped from Heaven to find her true love, along with her twin sister Lin Qingxia. This gets confusing as they are in same body, Qingxia comes out at night and is the crazy one. Zixia looking for a lover who can pull out her magic sword from its sheath, proving that he is the one. This has so much sexual innuendo going on they might as well just have done it XXX style to be more subtle! Zixia is called Purple in most references to this film, but not in the subtitles of the version I have.
Longevity Monk (Law Kar-Ying) – Thanks to time travel monkey shines, Longevity Monk is still around and is very annoying. That’s his super power. He’s also targeted for becoming dinner, and is fond of singing song by The Platters.
Pigsy/Assistant Master (Ng Man-Tat) – Ng Man-Tat spends most of this film as Pigsy, underneath the pig mask (though for a good chunk of the film he’s bodyswapped!) Is usually with Sandy trying to follow Joker to find out what he’s up to this time.
Sandy/Blind Bing (Johnnie Kong Yeuk-Sing) – Last member of the Journey to the West crew, as is tradition he doesn’t do much except be around Pigsy as Monkey King does his thing. Is the level-headed one of the trio.
King Bull (Luk Shu-Ming) – Villain who captures Longevity Monk to eat, desires Joker to marry his sister to get rid of her, and wants to marry Lin Zixia so he can have a mistress. Something his wife Iron Fan Princess does not approve of.
Miss Xiang Xiang (???) – King Bull’s sister who is set up to wed Monkey King, though Monkey King just agrees to it to try to recapture the Pandora’s Box to escape this time.
Iron Fan Princess (Ada Choi Siu-Fan) – King Bull’s wife, who is none too pleased that he’s off trying to collect mistresses. But that doesn’t stop her from chasing after Joker/Monkey King, who was her former lover.
Jing Jing/Boney M of Spider Devil (Karen Mok Man-Wai) – Jing Jing shows up 500 years in the past, having not studied under Spider Web Immortal for all that time and with no memory of her love affair with Joker, as it hadn’t happened yet.
Spider Woman (Yammie Lam Kit-Ying) – If one of the two sisters shows up, you know the other one will, and as soon as she figures out who Joker is and that he can lead her to Longevity Monk, all bets are off!

A Chinese Odyssey Part Two - Cinderella
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A Chinese Odyssey Part One – Pandora’s Box

A Chinese Odyssey Part One – Pandora’s Box

aka 西遊記101回月光寶盒 aka Sai yau gei: Dai yat baak ling yat wui ji – Yut gwong bou haap

1995
Written and directed by Jeff Lau Chun-Wai
A Chinese Odyssey Part One - Pandora's Box
Stephen Chow and Jeff Lau’s classic masterpiece, the A Chinese Odyssey films are among the most important cinema to come out of Hong Kong. And I don’t just say that because I love the films. A combination of many factors at just the right time collide and create a lightning in a bottle event that films have been attempting to repeat ever since.

The Chinese Odyssey flicks are a mish-mash of classic literature is melded with Jeff Lau’s love of hugely complex plots with dozens of characters and love stories through reincarnation, combined with Chow’s singular wit, fast talking, and physical comedy making cinematic bliss. A classic tomb is hijacked and reworked into a sprawling tale that still uses much of general mythology of its source.
A Chinese Odyssey Part One - Pandora's Box
The complex plot and phone book of characters (with most of the headliners playing dual roles) does not help with an easy description, but the basic idea is Monkey King has been punished and trapped for 500 years. In the interim, he was reincarnated as a local head of a gang of thieves, a group largely incompetent and filled with lovable losers. Now named Joker, he runs the gang as they dress fierce to claim control of the area. His chief lieutenants are Assistant Master and Blind Bing, who we also know as Journey to the West characters Pigsy and Sandy.

The actual world of Journey to the West has not stopped during this time, so there are still creatures searching for Tripitaka/The Longevity Monk to devour his flesh, and they plan to use Monkey King to find him. Of course, they first have to find the Monkey King, only knowing where he was imprisoned. Those who knew Monkey King recognize him in Joker on sight, despite Joker’s insistence that he is no one special. Regardless, he gets dragged into a world of spider demons, ghost ladies, bull men, giant goddesses, and reincarnated characters.

Despite the large amount of plot going on, the films aren’t adverse to just stopping for a while to let Stephen Chow do his thing. Which is a wise decision, because the comedy is great! The physical comedy transcends all languages and cultures, while many of Chow’s zingers manage to produce laughs despite terrible subtitle translations. It’s a testament to just how good things are when it overcomes some of the usual stumbling blocks.
A Chinese Odyssey Part One - Pandora's Box
Monkey King is historically a defiant character, he stands against the forces of Heaven and against anyone who stands in his way. His adventures feature a lot of visits to fantastic lands and fighting gods and demons. Pandora’s Box brings him down to a more human level, which is even a point in the sequel, as his human emotions are what must be shed to continue on his journey, even though in these films he falls in love repeatedly. That’s called conflict, people!

While Joker doesn’t remember anything Monkey King did, he gets involved in the consequences of Monkey King’s various shenanigans. In the course of Joker’s lying and double lies and triple lies to get out of trouble, he ends up connecting with someone Monkey King hurt as well as dealing with Monkey King and Longevity Monk’s enemies, the huge crowd of characters who want to eat the Longevity Monk’s flesh.

Monkey King ruined the marriage of Jing Jing, and then left her waiting alone. A hard lesson in not trusting Monkey King to do anything right, but thanks to Joker being Monkey King, Jing Jing is able to confront the person who messed up her love life, and Joker is able to make a sort of amends as he falls for Jing Jing. Due to even more convoluted plot development, Jing Jing is poisoned, Joker is imprisoned attempting to get her the cure, and she believes he abandoned her and tries to kill herself, though is saved by King Bull.

The reprieve is temporary, as later she does kill herself amidst a battle in the middle of the Cave of the Silken Web after thinking Joker betrayed her. Joker is then desperately attempting to go back in time just in time to save her, but keeps being just too late. If you think repeatedly watching someone kill themselves can’t be funny, then here is a way to change your mind.
A Chinese Odyssey Part One - Pandora's Box
The Chinese Odyssey films have gone on to be cult classics, and are one of the first Hong Kong films I saw back in the days of getting movies from the one cool video store. Luckily for me, a roommate had vcd versions, which I managed to watch just after watching Black Mask – thus Karen Mok became a reoccurring theme in Hong Kong cinema for me, and eventually an avatar I use in many locations online. The films themselves were just so unlike anything I had seen to that point, only some of the Hong Kong films I had watched at that point had fantasy elements. At that point I was totally unfamiliar with the Journey to the West story, so everything was new to me. So while Bruce Lee and Jackie Chan may have been my gateway drugs into Hong Kong cinema, Stephen Chow became the chocolate-covered crack that kept me coming back. And decades later things are very different, the films still remain and still entertain. Thanks to the internet, many are just a few clicks away. Gone are the days of wandering through the “Foreign” section hoping for anything new, but the films I saw then – Chinese Odyssey, Drunken Master, A Chinese Ghost Story, Hard Boiled, many others – will always have that nostalgic feeling.

A Chinese Odyssey is ultimately about love. The gags and costumes and violence is all dressing for a tale about love. Not about finding love, but about love itself. Love that is destined. Love of a master and a disciple. Love that is joyful. The pain of love, and of love lost. Of love and duty, of casting love aside, or taking chances for love. Even the final ending pushes this home. The dealing with love of all types and not just romantic love expands the universal appeal, reaching audiences who don’t respond to just your average romance tale.

As we shall see with Part 2, one love can just be a stepping stone to your true love. But even then other things may be destined for you. Life can be funny that way…
A Chinese Odyssey Part One - Pandora's Box
But let’s first knock out the Roll Call for A Chinese Odyssey Part One – Pandora’s Box, and the drop a huge plot recap and discussion! Because that’s how we roll…

Joker/Monkey King (Stephen Chow Sing-Chi) – Joker is just your average leader of a gang of thieve who is also unknowingly an immortal trickster monkey. I can’t tell you how many times that has happened to me! Joker then gets involved in all sorts of supernatural shenanigans as the truth of his past begins to come out. Check out our takes on Out of the Dark and Kung Fu Hustle for more Chow fun!
Spider Woman (Yammie Lam Kit-Ying) – Spider woman who arrives to hunt down the Legacy Monk to consume his flesh and become immortal. Usually takes the form of a beautiful woman, but becomes a spider at night. Is a great fighter and can hypnotize and poison enemies.
Jing Jing/Boney M of Spider Devil (Karen Mok Man-Wai) – Companion to Spider Woman, both are deciples of Spider Web Immortal. She was (or was to be) married to Chilian Devil, but that was ruined by Monkey King when he seduced her, then ran off because that’s what Monkey King does. She becomes a ghost zombie in the full moon, though can be stopped by kiss.
Assistant Master/Pigsy (Ng Man-Tat) – Joker’s second in command who then becomes hypnotized by Spider Woman and forced to spy for her side. Eventually accidentally fathers a child with her. Is also the mortal form of Pigsy, though he doesn’t realize it for most of the film.
Longevity Monk (Law Kar-Ying) – Monkey King’s master who sacrifices his life in exchange for Monkey King, who is then imprisoned for 500 years. But the Longevity Monk will be reborn, and Monkey King will be released, and that will cause great excitement in the world of the supernatural.
Blindy/Sandy (Johnnie Kong Yeuk-Sing) – Joker’s third in command, who also happens to be the reincarnation of Sandy, though he is also unaware of who he is. Is the whiny comic relief character.
King Bull (Luk Shu-Ming) – Local tough boss of all the cows and cow demons, who also wants to eat the Longevity Monk’s flesh, so he comes in to cause trouble.
Spider Web Immortal (Athena Chu Yun) – This mysterious woman shows up at the very end of the film as Joker is trapped in the distant past. Could she be a main character in Part 2? Of course!

A Chinese Odyssey Part One - Pandora's Box
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Big Bad Sis

Big Bad Sis

aka 沙膽英 aka Sa daam ying

1976
Written by Sze-To On
Directed by Sun Chung

Big Bad Sis
Shaw Brothers gives us a tale of bad girl factory workers! It is an interesting spin on the delinquent schoolgirl approach, having the girls just out of school and holding down jobs, but still being delinquent. Big Bad Sis is an interesting hybrid, because it’s an action film with clear influences from the Japanese Sukeban/Pinky violence flicks, but it’s also a Hong Kong Triad film and manages to throw in some left wing pro-labor and pro-women’s rights issues. With just enough exploitation to satisfy those who need that as well. Big Bad Sis may be a stew made from many random ingredients, but they work together to give an entertaining flick.
Big Bad Sis
Big Bad Sis shows that sometimes you gotta fight. Whether it is for your job or to protect innocent people in the bathroom or because of crazy triad gambling den drama or because your boss is a piece of garbage or all of those reasons combined into a gigantic reason. A bid bad reason, which is why you need your sisters!

Fung Ying (Chen Ping) – Ah Ying is the tough as nails former gangster turned factory worker who defends the innocent and becomes friends with her fellow oppressed factory workers, even forming her own sort of gang. But her past begins to catch up with her.
Sai Chu (Siu Yam-Yam) – An orphan raised in the system, and then released where she starts biking around nude and stabbing people. Becomes Ah Ying’s biggest fan and a tough chick in her own right.
Chan Fong (Chong Lee) – A young girl with naughty stepfather who runs away from home to get away from his wandering hands. Her looks make her a target of everyone with awing hands, but her new gang affiliation allows her to be able to stand up and fight back.
Big Brother Dai Gi-Luk (Wang Hsieh) – Gang leader who used to employ/date Ah Ying, and is bitter about her leaving. Sends his goons to harass her.
Brother Shing (Chen Kuan-Tai) – Old friend of Ah Ying who defends her from Big Brother’s men.
Wai (Wong Chung) – One of Big Brother’s gang, but a friend of Ah Ying. He won’t renounce his boss despite his feelings for her.

Big Bad Sis
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A Field Guide to Cantonese Fantasy Monsters and Creatures

A Field Guide to Cantonese Fantasy Monsters and Creatures

Just imagine: One day in ancient China, you are wandering around the forest while on a quest to find 1000 Iron Fist Li, when suddenly you spot an unknown creature in the distance. Is it a friendly face that will bestow ancient knowledge? A pet of a mad monk sent to destroy you? Or a fearsome warrior guarding a passage to valuable treasure? Now, you can easily find out what creature you spotted and learn the information you will need to return to the Golden Swallow Tea House to tell tales to impress Jade Phoenix, the Purple Warrior of Fire Mountain.

This Field Guide to Cantonese Fantasy Monsters and Creatures will provide you with the identification information you need to make an informed decision as what to do when encountering a fantasy monster or creature. You will learn what the ancient masters know, with facts culled from ancient tombs and recent scientific expeditions.

The ever-growing Field Guide to Cantonese Fantasy Monsters and Creatures will be updated as more fantasy creatures are discovered upon watching more old wuxia flicks. Names and scientific names are often conjecture or assigned by the guide. The guide is not responsible for inaccurate information that results in injury or death. Do not let this guide fall into the hands of the Spider Clan or Master Liu Fan-bei of Lohan Peak by order of the Emperor.

Name:Condor
Scientific Name:Gymnogyps giganticus
Appearances:Buddha’s Palm Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, and Part 4
Height:6′
Weight:155 lbs
Description:The magical Condor of Master Ku Hon-wan, the Wicked God of Fiery Cloud, is Master Ku’s loyal companion in the four Buddha’s Palm movies. Condor also saves two of the main characters from assailants, both of which Master Ku adopts as his own children. After Master Ku’s death, Condor refuses to leave his grave. He’s probably still there now.




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