2009 Written by Abe Froman
Directed by Demitri Nessun
This is how 50 Shades of Grey begins!
Naked Lust is hardly the sex-o-maniac nypho party the title implies, but is in fact a more sweet story of a woman attempting to reconnect with her first school crush that she was unable to go to the dance with due to life. It’s also a story about a pop princess looking to be inspired so she can write some hit songs, and her lovable goofball manager who would do anything for her. And probably some junk about the media, though most of that hits the back burner. In any even, it’s actually pretty entertaining. And it should be, since Naked Lust was written by Abe Froman. The sausage king of Chicago. This may be a pseudonym… Director Demitri Nessun also helmed Cougar School.
This is what to do when the Naked Lust comes for you!
Naked Lust has a good balance of a story that is interesting (if extended), likable actors, and plenty of scenes that are the reason this plays at late night on Cinemax and not on Lifetime. While relying on a nostalgia-fueled fantasy for a plot point, the film and the main character comes to the realization that the fantasy is just a fantasy, and people move on and evolve. Therefore she embraces her reality and everyone gets a happy ending.
He’s turning into that scene from Innerspace! Also why am I referencing Innerspace?
Cherry Pop (Kaylani Lei) – Cherry Pop is the current most famous pop star ever, but she needs to come out with another song before she’s replaced by the next young thing to come along. She was originally named Carla. Kaylani plays Cherry Pop like a slightly burnt out but still light-hearted Miley Cyrus/Taylor Swift, which fits how she’s written.
Ape (Joe Souza as Matt Dalpiaz) – Cherry Pop’s manager and wannabe lover. Despite having feelings for her, she still needs to sort things out, so he has to support her. He comes off a lot like Steve from Married with Children, which just adds to the sitcom vibe.
Rachel (Leigh Livingston) – Rachel is a local reporter who gets the station in hot water when she broadcasts some live sexing between Cherry Pop and Ape. So she sticks around to document the creation of Cherry Pop’s new album, and ends up getting hired back by her station.
Chad Laroy (Mike Nike) – The record guy who hates all of Cherry Pop’s new songs and threatens to replace her, up to the point of actually replacing her. I guess having hit records isn’t really all that big of a deal any more…
Kitty Kat (Brynn Tyler) – A potential replacement for Cherry Pop being auditioned by Chad. Has zero brains and even less talent. She’s more like Kitty Litter.
The Cowboy (Alan Stafford) – The Cowboy is a famous tv commercial cowboy, but his real name is Ian and he lives with his mom. Is still somehow a big catch, because he’s a cowboy, don’t you know?
Jonah (Steve Crest as Jack Lawrence) – Cherry’s old ex-boyfriend who wanted to be a NASCAR racer. Was to be her prom date but stood her up.
2010 Written and Directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Medina)
Hey! Zip it while I’m translating ancient ruins, buddy!
We’re back in black and back in bikinis for yet another entry in the ever-growing Fred Olen Ray Bikini Movie Madness! This time, the world of Indiana Jones gets bikinied a Bikini Jones! Join that ever-sexy science field of archeology as Bikini Jones seduces her hands onto the Idol so she can unlock its secrets before the never-do-wells get their mitts on it and on Bikini Jones’s own golden idol. Bikini Jones features many of the regular cast members circa 2010, most of which have appeared in enough films it’s simpler just to link to their tags than to list all the films over and over again for each actor. Fred Olen Ray reuses the talent because they can get the job done, and done right, and done quickly. But mostly done right.
The later seasons of The Dog Whisperer started to throw in gimmicks for ratings…
Bikini Jones is fun, has fun things going on, and is worth your time. But don’t take my word for it, read the review and then take my word for it! Wait a minute…
Olsen Twin Cop! She’s a cop, and an Olsen Twin.
Dr. Bikini Jones (Christine Nguyen) – A famous archeologist and expert in translating ancient languages. And at having lots of sex. What do you expect when you name your daughter Bikini? The Jones family should be banned from handing out names…
Evilla Cruella (Heather Vandeven) – Again with the names that force their owners into a life out of their control. Evilla Cruella was doomed from the start. She’s from Hobokin, but comes from a long line of Morons. Wants to be ruler of Moronica.
Carol Summers (Rebecca Love) – An excellent cypher from the Department of National Antiquities…or is she????
Drago (Frankie Cullen) – Frankie Cullen shows up playing what probably would have been the Evan Stone role, as Evilla’s main henchman. Does the dirty work and the dirty deeds.
Mr. Martin (Ted Newsom) – The CIA boss who hires Bikini Jones so they can stop Evilla from getting her hands on Moronica.