Sharks in Venice (Review)
Sharks in Venice
aka Shark in Venice
2008
Directed by Danny Lerner
Written by Danny Lerner and Les Weldon
Sharks in Venice (or Shark in Venice, as the film’s name changes versus the DVD box and the title screen) sounds like it should be one of the best shark films ever. The idea is so obvious and yet so not obvious that no one came up with it. It should be an instant win. But… Someone didn’t tell Nu Image films, who instead of making an awesome film decided to just add some sharks to a mediocre treasure hunt film. The sharks serve so little purpose in the film if they were removed entirely no one would notice. It is one of the greatest shames of the made for SciFi Channel genre. And that is a genre with a lot of shames.
We got the least talented Baldwin brother running around Venice with Scarlett Johansson’s sister while someone who is not related to famous people menaces them and there are sharks who may be related to Jaws, but only on their mother’s side. And Stephen Baldwin dives for a lost treasure.
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Basilisk: The Serpent King (Review)
Basilisk: The Serpent King
2006
Directed by Stephen Furst
SciFi Channel churns out more original films than an original film churner-outer (Okay, I couldn’t think of a funny reference!) and many of them are just below average dreck that gave SciFi Channel a reputation of awfulness. But sometimes they aren’t bad and are actually fun. Thus, Basilisk: The Serpent King is one of those fun films, because otherwise I would be talking about how this isn’t a fun film and was terrible, now wouldn’t I? See, you are a smart audience, that is why I write for you! So Basilisk: The Serpent King manages to be entertaining, with a few good characters and some funny scenes. The best SciFi Channel monster films are the ones that don’t take themselves too seriously, have memorial actors, and have a plot that keeps the story moving but lets the monster do most of the killing. We got all of the winning elements here, so read on to see how it wins! Or I will turn you to stone or send Fawkes to peck out your eyes or something. Parselmouth!
Director Stephen Furst has also directed the SciFi Channel original Dragon Storm, but he is best known as Flounder from Animal House and Vir Cotto from Babylon 5.
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Categories: Movie Reviews, Ugly Tags: Bashar Rahal, CGI trainwreck, Cleavant Derricks, Doug Dearth, Griff Furst, Jeremy London, SciFi Channel, Stephen Furst, Wendy Carter, Yancy Butler
Shark Attack 3: Megalodon (Review)
Shark Attack 3: Megalodon
2002
Starring
John Barrowman as Ben Carpenter
Jenny McShane as Cataline Stone
Ryan Cutrona as Chuck Rampart
George Stanchev as Esai
Harry Anichkin (Harry Aneachkin) as Jeff Tolley
Bashar Rahal as Luis Ruiz
“I’m really wired. What do you say, I take you home and eat your pussy?”
With that immortal dialogue, Shark Attack 3: Megalodon became the greatest movie of the Shark Attack franchise. Which is a little like being the fastest snail or the damnest, dirtiest ape. Taking Jaws and super-sizing it, we get a movie that combines two of the standard plotlines for SciFi Channel films: shark attacks and giant prehistoric monsters running amok. This film may be specially tailored for the SciFi Channel, but anywhere else, it leaves a thick, crusty residue behind. The ludicrous plot dares to copy the Jaws story from a universe where Steven Spielberg was replaced by a shaved chimp. Even a shaved chimp couldn’t be low enough to write the final half hour of this alleged film, that could have only been accomplished by a tub of wet cement. The finally where characters leap into the water into the mouth of the giant shark stretches believability for even a SciFi Channel movie. I’m there when prehistoric rhinoceros beetles live underground for centuries with no food. I’m there when cloned sabretooths are bulimic and shaped like walruses. I’m there when Komodos fight Cobras for thirty seconds of a two hour movie. But I can’t follow the logic of the characters at the end of this film.
Megalodon was the biggest shark that ever lived, estimated to get up to 16 meters (53 feet) in length. They are long dead, despite what a few lone nuts would have you believe. They are a perfect villain for a monster movie, but even the biggest screw-ups can ruin a perfect concept. The best part of Shark Attack 3 is enjoying the ride as the plane flies apart all around you, leaving you in perilous danger for your sanity as the movie slams into the Earth at 186,200 miles per second. Only those who are strong can escape without the scarring, both mentally and physically (you will try to gouge out eyes, slit wrists, and stick forks in sockets.) The reward is a large patch on the B-Movie Watcher’s Uniform, a symbol to be worn with pride. Joining the ranks of Troll 2, Cyber Seduction, Turkish Star Wars, Plan 9 From Outer Space, and dozens of other All Star films. Are you man enough to accept the challenge? Or will we be sending the Megalodon to go eat you, in a fury of terrible CGI?
In the meantime, enjoy the terrible animated gifs the encapsulate the abomination of video data files that stands before you, ready for the attack.
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Categories: Movie Reviews, Ugly Tags: Bashar Rahal, CGI trainwreck, George Stanchev, Harry Anichkin, Jenny McShane, John Barrowman, Ryan Cutrona, SciFi Channel, shark attack mania!
