Sexy Soccer (Review)

Sexy Soccer

aka Sing gum zhook kao aka 少女足球

Directed by Dick Lau Tin-Sze

Warning, this movie has a lot of puns. A lot of bad puns. A lot of bad puns that don’t translate well so things might sound weird. Just go with it!

Hong Kong Category III sex films have gotten cheaper and cheaper. Sexy Soccer represents a last gasp of actual money in a production, films post-2003 seem to be done for 1/10th of the cost of this film. Sexy Soccer sees such things as extras, location shooting, and characters that number more than five. This is from Dick Lau Tin-Sze’s company (probably an alias), and the films he produced decreased in quality and used many of the same actors. It’s like watching them go from real movies down to community theater to dinner theater.

But it’s so damn awful! My goodness, so awful… A large portion of the film comprises of these girls playing soccer, and it’s obviously that they spent more time filming these scenes than the entirety of gym classes during their school years. Bumbling around the soccer field is not believable, but that’s not really the point of the film. The point of the film seems to be watching Matthew Ng Ting get it on with a variety of girls. As Matthew Ng Ting is not very attractive, the film treating him like some sort of lust-inducing superstud is laughable. The situations, the contrived plot, and the weird asides all add up to a wacky film. But at least it is somewhat entertaining. You do wonder what sort of weird thing will happen next. It’s…odd. And since some other films made soon after are just wretchedly bad, Sexy Soccer deserves more praise than it’s going to get. But it’s so damn awful!

The music is not bad, but I like surf music. If you don’t like surf music, than the soundtrack of the film will drive you bonkers! Actors credited that don’t seem to be in any other film include Tong Tong, Cheung Wing, Kam Bing-Man, and Siu Yau. Just which of them are which actresses/actors, I don’t know. And if any of the ??? actresses below show up in other films, again, I don’t know. We’re just chock full o’ knowledge here at TarsTarkas.NET!

Rolando Lo (Matthew Ng Ting) – Rolando is a soccer coach who just can’t win. Until he comes up with an idea to win win win. Also he has sex with like 5000 women in a matter of days. Imagine how many STDs this dude has. Matthew Ng Ting appeared out of nowhere to suddenly star in close to 25 Cat III sex films, then vanish just as quickly. Probably in a dumpster. A sex dumpster!
Pulls (Carmen Yeung Ga-Man) – Pulls has cotton balls in her mouth for some reason, I guess to make her more whiny or something. Odd character choice, but let’s go with it! Carmen Yeung Ga-Man was in a whole slew of Cat III films for a few years (including Sex and the Central), then suddenly disappeared, then suddenly reappeared as a singer, and was even linked to Eric Tsang in the tabloids. She has disappeared again.
Nina (Au-Yeung Hoi-Suen) – Nina gives Rolando the idea to get a team full of bouncy girls to distract the other soccer players. She even agrees to join his team if he finds someone else to be on it. That random promise put her down a road to becoming a soccer superstar. Au-Yeung Hoi-Suen/Vinny Ouyang was in a few random Cat III films during the first half of the Aughts. This was probably the best one of the lot. She also shows up briefly in Drink, Drank, Drunk before vanishing into obscurity.
Little Twin (???) – The legendary Rolling Queen of bowling. You may have heard of her, she’s very famous. You haven’t heard of Little Twin? You must be new around here, then! Kingpin was based on her life. And then Little Twin decided after a battle of riddles to conquer the world of soccer. Look out, soccer!
Big Twin (???) – The pool playing sister of the family, who is obviously related to Little Twin. I’m convinced the same actress played both parts and the scenes were achieved with digital trickery! That actress? Lindsay Lohan!
Ironan (Grace Lam Nga-Si) – Ironan? Was her name supposed to be Ironman? Iron-Nan? Iron on? Who know? In any event, she’s an auto mechanic recruited to the team as a goalie.
Mysterious Bonus Player (???) – Mysterious Bonus Player shows up in the background of a few of the soccer matches, rounding out the Friendly Balls team. But just who is she? Why does she only have one line? Why does actress Au-Yeung Hoi-Suen shove her out of the shot for one scene? These are the mysteries that try men’s souls.

Rolando is a loser and a boozer who is also a loser soccer coach, thus meaning he’s also a boozer soccer coach. His team Bosom gets defeated by the enemy team Miracle due to his players’ idiocy, costing them the Virgin Cup. Hey, I’m just reading the subtitles!

Then Rolando has sex with some chick. For a very long time. But don’t worry about her, as she does not appear in this film in any form besides sexual cutscenes. Heck, she doesn’t even get a name! Unless her name is “Ung ung ung”…

Rolando is also a gambler, and the loanshark Rolando owes thousands of dollars to threatens Rolando with bad pool playing. Soooo menacing. Oh, Rolando, whatever will you do?

Fear not, citizens! Rolando gets inspiration, seeing a girl named Nina at the soccer field running around with a tight shirt. He’s got it! But first, take another two minutes to remember having sex with your nameless girlfriend, Roland, we got the time…

Rolando follows Nina into the women’s locker room (claiming gayness) and tries to get her to join an all-female soccer team, but she won’t join until he has other members. So now he must get more…

Rolando wanders into a pub and sees a girl, we know she is the one because he remembers sexing up his girlfriend for another three minutes. Her name is Pulls and it is a pun in Cantonese that doesn’t translate so just laugh and go with it. Pretending to speak Cantonese for fun and profit. He manages to snag her for the team.

Next up Rolando goes bowling, because, why the hell not? And there is the next girl, Little Twin, the legendary Rolling Queen. She doesn’t get along with her sister, Big Twin, who is a pool player. Oddly enough, Little Twin is huge, while Big Twin is tiny. And even a blind monk wouldn’t think they were real sisters. Rolando, Pulls, and Nina must come up with a plan to get them on the team. First, Rolando has to sex up Pulls, Sexy Soccer style. Great plan so far!

The real plan is to challenge Little Twin to a game of bowling, if they win they get her on the team. Rolando wins because Pulls and Nina confuse Little Twin with a bunch of trick questions when she’s bowling. It’s like Bilbo Baggins vs. Gollum in the cave. But no one gets a magic ring. Rolando does have sex with Little Twin, so some magic happens…sexual magic!

Next up is getting Big Twin, famous pool player. They trick her as well, but also have to have Little Twin make nice with her and finally get her to agree. We have a training montage time with the first 4 girls. Afterward, they realize they need a goalie, but first Rolando has sex with Nina.

The team stumbles across a female mechanic named Ironan who is good at blocking balls, and they try to shame her into joining the team. They next day the team has their first real practice match against a real team as practice, Rolando is awful as the goalie, luckily Ironan shows up and becomes the goalie, being awesome at it. The team starts to win once Ironan takes over…

Wait a minute, there’s an extra girl on the team! Who the heck is that????? It’s Mysterious Bonus Player! She gets one line and will only be seen again far in the background. It’s crazy. Crazy that I noticed, because no one else will.

Rolando bribed the other team to lose once Ironan took over, Ironan figuring this out when she sees Rolando giving the other team a stack of cash. She’s mad until Rolando has sex with her and will now join the team. After another practice, Rolando bags Big Twin, meaning he’s has sex with the whole team minus Mysterious Bonus Player, who we are assuming Rolando can’t sleep with because she’s a superhuman who phases in and out of existence.

The team has a name – Friendly Balls! and its tournament time!

Wait a minute…Mysterious Bonus Player is taking the field! I think…there are six girls on the field, it has to be her! The first team they play in the tournament are jerks! But the power of naked boobs wins the day and the Friendly Balls win! Even Mysterious Bonus Player is there to celebrate, then is pushed aside by Nina (LOL at that) and is not at the celebration afterward.

The team is getting sponsors, but the team they’ll play in the final is Miracle, the team that beat Rolando earlier in the film. The female coach of Miracle has an evil reputation, so Rolando will try to seduce her. But it all backfires and she ends up getting hints from drunk Rolando. Then the entire team finds out he slept with the entire team and they all quit. Because they’re suddenly all moral or something.

Tired of Rolando remembering having sex with his nameless girlfriend? Well, now he has sex with a different nameless girlfriend!

Soon all the girls come back one by one, and it’s game time!

Rolando tells the female coach he’s going to rape her and kill her then rape her and then kill her again. Oddly enough, Roland isn’t hauled off to jail for those comments, but it looks like Hong Kong is trying to squeeze into Japan’s territory of respect for women.

Mysterious Bonus Player is wandering around on the field, but none of the male players are effected by the power of naked boobs! Oh noes! Rolando realizes it is because they are of the gaysian persuasian. So now they will use the power of butts! Yes, gay men can’t resist the butts of female women. It’s true. And by true, I mean false, and this movie is crazy!

But, whatever, naked butts win, gays lose, and it’s Friendly Balls victory time!

Immediate end! WoooOOoooOOoO!!

Rated 4/10 (lusty, lusty, no lusty, no lusty)

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3 thoughts on “Sexy Soccer (Review)

  1. I had to review this movie on Amazon (believe it or not . LOL) Ironan is played by Grace Lam Nga Sze. Email me and I can send you proof. I know it’s strange.

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