Commercial Monster Bios

We have gone and nerded out after our last two articles on kaiju commercials, Godzilla Commercials Part 1 and Godzilla Commercials Part 2. Now we present to you the entire cast list, small bios for each monster, and fun facts you may not know. So enjoy this look into the lives of monsters from commercials, because no one else is crazy enough to pull this off!

Over-analysis and comparison of Commercial Kaiju:

BC Dairy-zilla – Destroyer of cities, except hampered by his lack of nutritional knowledge. BC Dairy-zilla is now on Boniva thanks to the help of Sally Field.
Powers – punching, speech, fire breathing.
Weakness – brittle bones due to lack of calcium
BEMBOS Kong – BEMBOS Kong is a food critic for the local newstalk station KURV, the Curve. Spends most of his time wandering the city searching for new eating pleasures.
Powers – smashes stuff good.

Weakness – gets tired after eating
BEMBOS-zilla – This relative of Godzilla likes to drink espresso and owns a fair-trade coffee collective.
Powers – Raspy voice.

Weakness – overexcited.
Charles Barkley – Charles Barkley is mysteriously gigantic! Again!
Powers – NBA skills, commercial skills, drunk driving skills.

Weakness – not a role model, late night sex hookups.
Ford Kong – Don’t mess with daddy! Ford Kong doesn’t fall for sob stories, and spends his time raising his son right. How sad is it when a commercial gorilla is a better father than the dads of many in America?
Powers – Angry Stare, emotional response, truck stamping, truck tossing
Weaknesses – The power of love, blondes.
Ford Kong Child – Likes them build Ford tough. A fan of smashing things, avoiding dinner, and trying to get away with stuff.
Powers – Truck ramming, crying attack.
Weaknesses – still only a child
Godzilla Charles Barkley Edition – Godzilla just gots to jam some time. But he isn’t very good at it. Get some game, Godzilla!
Powers – Bringing it to the court.

Weakness – Getting schooled by Charles Barkley.
Dr. Pepper Godzilla – Godzilla is mad, and he wants to quench his thirst. Godzilla is also picky, and the only thing that can satisfy him is Dr. Pepper. If this were true, wouldn’t Dr. Pepper plants be attacked more by daikaiju?
Powers – Atomic Breath, smashing stuff.
Weaknesses – Dr. Pepper, Hatred for all other beverages.
Dr. Pepper Godzilla Girl – This female Godzilla smashes into town, and can only be loved by giving her Diet Dr. Pepper.
Powers – Same as Godzilla.

Weaknesses – Handsome monsters bearing Diet Dr. Pepper.
Goody Godzilla – Is a nice Godzilla-like fellow who sends his money home to his family. Due to being a working family man, he has an uninteresting biography.
Powers – Electric flames with curve effect, powerful armor, banking skills, family loyalty.
Weakness – Most actors are unemployed constantly.
Goody Godzilla Mom – Mother of the nice Godzilla-like fellow. Lives with his wife and kids, and reads his mail.
Powers – raising a good son, helping watch over in-laws.
Weakness – if something happens to her son everyone will starve!
Honey – The Honey Nut Cheerios Bee – Cereal spokesbee and all around good person (bee). No longer slave to the Queen, Honey heads the Swarm Liberation Movement in addition to his commercial and spokesbee duties.
Powers – Knows how to solve all problems with Honey Nut Cheerios.

Weakness – If he stings you, he dies.
Hummer Robot – Giant robot with glowing eyes that hangs around the city, Hummer Robot’s life was changed forever when a giant lizard stomped into his life. Now a proud husband and father, Hummer Robot uses his skills to build freshwater wells in Third World countries, giving clean water to millions.
Powers – Lizard seduction, Lizard mating skills.
Weakness – no robot-sized condoms.
Hummer-zilla – Godzilla clone who is a girl and falls in love with a robot. Constantly after her child for not being fuel efficient enough.
Powers – Hair styling, Robot seduction, Breeding.
Weakness – says she’s on the pill when she isn’t, strange pregnancy cravings.
Pepto Max Fly – Giant fly who also does work for Habitat for Humanity when he isn’t making people homeless due to his rampages.
Powers – Flight.

Weaknesses – Nausea, Heartburn, Indigestion, Upset stomach, Diarrhea!
Pepto Max Foot Woman – The Former Mayor of Davenport, Iowa, is now 50 feet tall and dressing like an Amazon!
Powers – Giant Lady Powers.

Weaknesses – Nausea, Heartburn, Indigestion, Upset stomach, Diarrhea!
Pepto Max Giant Robot – The coolest commercial robot can blast stuff and fly, and eat things! Is the older brother of Hummer Robot.
Powers – Laser beams from eyes, flight.

Weaknesses – Nausea, Heartburn, Indigestion, Upset stomach, Diarrhea!
Pepto Max Paul Bunyan – Paul Bunyan and his giant ox Babe have recently done a 180 and now lobby governments for more logging restrictions to protect the environment, while also promoting farmed wood and pay raises for flannel seamstresses.
Powers – Stare power, ability to summon a giant blue ox.

Weaknesses – Nausea, Heartburn, Indigestion, Upset stomach, Diarrhea!
Pepto Max-Zilla – An avid audiophile, Pepto Max-zilla enjoys collecting vinyl records.
Powers – Tree eating.

Weaknesses – Nausea, Heartburn, Indigestion, Upset stomach, Diarrhea!
Taco Bell Dog – This dog. This freaking dog!
Powers – brains, speech, box, eventual bigger box.

Weakness – If you don’t look where you step he will be the next Gordita filling.
Thailand Godzilla – Thailand has more Godzillas than Japan. Figure that one out after you figure out how he got his braces fit! What was his co-pay?
Powers – Flame breath, horn power, tongue action.

Weaknesses – Runs out of fuel, humiliation, occasionally blasted into space.
Tiny Guilala – Little Guilalas who run around the city and do little except annoy. They suffer from crushing depression.
Powers – tiny roars, tiny flamespark breath, can almost dent a car

Weaknesses – less annoying than pigeons

That’s all we got for now, but there is still a bit more of March of Godzilla 4 to go!

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Written by Tars Tarkas

Tars Tarkas

Runs this joint!