Shark Attack 3: Megalodon (Review)

Shark Attack 3: Megalodon

John Barrowman as Ben Carpenter
Jenny McShane as Cataline Stone
Ryan Cutrona as Chuck Rampart
George Stanchev as Esai
Harry Anichkin (Harry Aneachkin) as Jeff Tolley
Bashar Rahal as Luis Ruiz

“I’m really wired. What do you say, I take you home and eat your pussy?”

With that immortal dialogue, Shark Attack 3: Megalodon became the greatest movie of the Shark Attack franchise. Which is a little like being the fastest snail or the damnest, dirtiest ape. Taking Jaws and super-sizing it, we get a movie that combines two of the standard plotlines for SciFi Channel films: shark attacks and giant prehistoric monsters running amok. This film may be specially tailored for the SciFi Channel, but anywhere else, it leaves a thick, crusty residue behind. The ludicrous plot dares to copy the Jaws story from a universe where Steven Spielberg was replaced by a shaved chimp. Even a shaved chimp couldn’t be low enough to write the final half hour of this alleged film, that could have only been accomplished by a tub of wet cement. The finally where characters leap into the water into the mouth of the giant shark stretches believability for even a SciFi Channel movie. I’m there when prehistoric rhinoceros beetles live underground for centuries with no food. I’m there when cloned sabretooths are bulimic and shaped like walruses. I’m there when Komodos fight Cobras for thirty seconds of a two hour movie. But I can’t follow the logic of the characters at the end of this film.

Megalodon was the biggest shark that ever lived, estimated to get up to 16 meters (53 feet) in length. They are long dead, despite what a few lone nuts would have you believe. They are a perfect villain for a monster movie, but even the biggest screw-ups can ruin a perfect concept. The best part of Shark Attack 3 is enjoying the ride as the plane flies apart all around you, leaving you in perilous danger for your sanity as the movie slams into the Earth at 186,200 miles per second. Only those who are strong can escape without the scarring, both mentally and physically (you will try to gouge out eyes, slit wrists, and stick forks in sockets.) The reward is a large patch on the B-Movie Watcher’s Uniform, a symbol to be worn with pride. Joining the ranks of Troll 2, Cyber Seduction, Turkish Star Wars, Plan 9 From Outer Space, and dozens of other All Star films. Are you man enough to accept the challenge? Or will we be sending the Megalodon to go eat you, in a fury of terrible CGI?

In the meantime, enjoy the terrible animated gifs the encapsulate the abomination of video data files that stands before you, ready for the attack.


Ben Carpenter – Our hero. A harbor security chief at a big hotel in Mexico, patrolling the water for anything that may threaten it, like giant prehistoric sharks. Likes to eat the kitty…
Catalina Stone – Our heroine. Paleontologist and master archery champion. Also a master of shooting sharks with a shotgun.
Ruiz – Evil resort boss, who only cares about the bottom line and sucking up to APEX. Jerk. Eaten
Jeff Tolley – CEO of APEX, cuts corners to make millions off investors for his underwater cable. Jerk. Eaten.
Helicopter Pilot – A smooth operator in aviator shades, whether it is rescuing stranded boaters, saving victims of leaping super sharks, or hunting down giant sharks, Helicopter Pilot saves the day while still looking stylish.
MegaMegalodon – The biggest ancient monster shark in the whole ocean. Suffers from a rare genetic disorder where he’s made entirely out of one single piece of stock footage. Blown the heck up.

We start out as the SS Bountress is sailing above the deep water trench in the Pacific Ocean. Which one? THE deep water trench! Well, the one on the left. The ship has rigging underneath it, as well as a deep sea diver working on some sort of project, involving underwater welding. It’s the secret deep trench art project. Actually, it’s some sort of underwater deep sea submarine, which is one of those deep sea submarines that is way too high-tech to bother to surface so welding can be done cheaply and efficiently. The sub is named Deep Calm, showing the lighter side of underwater construction. Up in the Bountress, the grizzled supervisor is angrily ranting that they are four hours behind schedule, because he’s basically an angry police chief transplanted to captaining a ship in the ocean. I half expect him to take the diver off the case for being a loose cannon. He won’t get the chance, as the sonar soon begins to pick up something that will soon take the diver off the case, permanently! Mysterious Blip gives us a reenactment of that scene from Alien with the blip chasing down Dallas, except now it’s chasing down Diver. The shark chomps on the diver while growling, the diver screams, I swear he grunts “Oompah-Loompah!” Twice. I hope my last words are not “Oompah-Loompah” but instead “Scrum-diddly-umptious!”


The diver is still dead. Oh, wait, and now we are in Mexico, home of the Megalodon. A Marc Summers of Double Dare look-alike is heading to his boat. His name is Ben Carpenter, and he will be playing the role of “hero” for us today. He’s not much to look at, but just wait until he gets to the Physical Challenge! He’s a security guard at a high priced hotel, patrolling the waters when he’s not wandering off to look for lobsters. This is one of those Mexican resorts where topless college girls wander around, according to the opening credits. This is probably why sharks go crazy and attack the beach, they have booby fever. (This is when they aren’t controlled by alien glowing crap from space.) Ben Carpenter’s boating partner is a dead ringer for Tom Cruise, where he a Bulgarian named George Stanchev pretending to be a Mexican named Esai, who also has a recording career in Bulgarian when he isn’t starring in Nu Image’s terrible DTV films like this one. Some wonderful dialogue as, after being conned int checking out a lobster spot, Esai says “Why do I let you talk me into things like this?” to which Ben Carpenter responds “Because you’re my bitch!”

Stunning dialogue like this is why SciFi Channel is the crown jewel of science fiction entertainment.

SHARK ATTACK 3: SWORDFISH ATTACK!! An old man in the sea on a yacht is reeling in a giant swordfish he caught. He seems to be so focused on catching the fish he’s unconcerned that his trophy wife is practically humping the local guide against the wall of the boat right behind him. The guide gives the old man advice while still trying to get it on with the trophy wife. There’s so much weirdness going on here it cannot be explained. We should be all predicting that Megalodon will be chomping on some swordfish, and we are correct. Megalodon comes roaring in, actually roaring, because sharks roar, I hope you know. Giant extinct roaring sharks who feed on all the swordfish except for the head, which is all the old man manages to get back on his boat. Firstly, the password is “Swordfish.” Secondly, we need a SciFi Channel movie involving mutant swordfish!

Ben Carpenter is doing his duty by not patrolling and looking for lobsters while on duty. His partner Esai lays on the Spanish 101 phrases to remind us that he’s Mexican and not Bulgarian. See, “Como Estas!” Mexican, not Bulgarian! We don’t address why a gringo is a boat cop in Mexico, but at least he isn’t pretending to be Mexican as well. Ben goes for a dive, and runs across the underwater cable, and finds a shark tooth embedded in it. Underwater cables are usually filled with fish guts, so naturally sharks would attack it. Ben takes the tooth, and is then startled by other divers! It turns out they are dudes from the company that owns the underwater cable, APEX Communications, and are there to fix problems that may or may not be related to the shark chompiness. Back on the surface, the APEX divers yell at Ben for a while before going back down for more diving.

Ben spends the night looking up shark teeth on the Internet, attempting to identify it. He fails because he’s a failure, and then takes a photograph of it, using his digital camera. It must be one of those high-tech cameras, as he’s holding the shark tooth in front of it, and suddenly the shark tooth appears on his computer, fully cropped with no trace of background or Ben’s fingers. It’s even more amazing since the camera isn’t even hooked up to the computer. Ben uses the Internet to post on a website, but it looks like he fills out an email to post on whatever site that is ( This must be more high tech Internet stuff, maybe one day I will understand how the Internet works.

Time to jump to the San Diego Natural History Museum, where it is day outside, yet the museum is closed and it’s late at night. San Diego is in the Arctic Circle and has 24 hour days? I did not know that! The old security guard Todd (why are they always named Todd?) runs across Cataline Stone, who is hard at work despite working entirely in the dark (one of those famous research scientists who can’t be bothered to turn on the lights even though she’s reading things.) Luckily, we get away from Security Guard Todd, who is played by the worst actor over 80 in a SciFi Channel movie. I’d make fun of his wooden delivery more, but he probably killed Nazis in WW2 and would still make mince meat of some bad Internet writer before he even has to drink his daily Ensure. Cataline “Cat” Stone is played by Jenny McShane, and will be our love interest who gets naked, thus fulfilling her role in the film. Oh, she’s also a researcher on sharks who runs across Ben’s photo on the Internet and gets all excited. I can relate to how excited she is, I got a photo of a monkey dressed as Napoleon that I found on the Internet! It’s keen. Cataline seems to have never heard of Photoshop as well, shark teeth could be easily altered by people who are better at Photoshop than my terrible attempts.

We’re back in Mexico now, where Ben has been called into a meeting with his supervisor, Ruiz, and the CEO of APEX, Jeff Tolley. Ruiz will be playing the typical guy who doesn’t want to close the resort in the face of shark dangers, while CEO Jeff Tolley will be playing the part of the evil businessman who is super corrupt. This is Shark Attack 3, we shouldn’t be expecting nuanced characters. Ruiz is one of those Mexicans from the United Arab Emirates, if we are to believe that actor playing him Bashar Rahal was born in the same location. The gist of this whole meeting is to inform the audience that APEX will be having a whole host of rich investors coming to sail on a cruise ship to celebrate the christening of the new underwater cable. These movies always have rich investors or rich college kids or rich someones, so when they all get eaten, you don’t feel that sorry for them. There’s also a blonde woman at the table for no other reason but to have Ruiz feeling up her leg for the duration, and later in the movie he seems to be dating her, proving that sexual harassment works.

Enough of useless meetings, we’re on the beach now. Local Rico Suave Guy is there with his latest vacationing conquest hot babe, who quickly strips off all of her excess garments to run into the ocean in the buff. We need some more nudity, and we also need to copy the opening scene from Jaws. Rico Suave Guy follows her, and as they make out in the ocean, little do they know that stock footage of a shark is closing in on them. They’re doomed until….SHARK ON SHARK ATTACK! Yep, Megalodon chomps down on the other shark, but just eats the tail section. This is enough to disturb the ocean fun time, as the girl freaks out. Later, as Ben and a random other security officer are examining the remains of the dead shark, the other security guard (following the rule that all security guard characters in this film must be actors that couldn’t act their way into second grade plays) mentions the girl ran “buck naked” all the way through town. This is also the second time the Megalodon has failed to finish his supper, opting instead to just eat the tail end of the creature. I guess this Megalodon is very picky about which parts he eats. He’s finicky, like Morris the cat.

Instead of just replying to Ben’s email, Cat just arrives in Mexico to talk to him about his tooth. I’ve sent plenty of emails, and have never had someone reply to me in person, so this is just weird. Ben isn’t suspicious in the slightest, which is odd considering he’s supposed to be a security officer and should be in the mindset to detecting things that are wrong. Cat says she’s a biologist, but that’s just a lie, as she’s really a paleontologist as we saw earlier. Unfortunately, she’s as believable a paleontologist as Homer Simpson would be as a watchmaker. She feeds him some line about how the tooth might belong to a nomadic subspecies of Mako Shark (Isurus oxyrinchus) so he just gives her the tooth as his “contribution to science” as well as his first attempt to seduce her with his magic pickup abilities. Cat heads off, calling her two camera crew guys and preparing to go out into the ocean to film. Her two camera crew are called Freidman and Davis and are both big horn dogs who will spend the rest of their screen time sexually harassing Cat as she smiles and takes it.

We’re in a nightclub now, one right by the beach as people in leather throb around and some ravers all rave out like ravers always do in movies but never in real life. I don’t think raves actually exist, the whole thing is a construct of bad movies to feature crazy costumes and morons on drugs getting eaten by various giant monsters. This movie will be no exception, as two stoned out people of youthful persuasion leave the rave to make out, falling down a waterslide (why is the waterslide still on and not chained off after hours?) that dumps into the ocean, where Megalodon is waiting for them with mouth agape; slurping, grumbling, and growling all the while. It’s like it’s not even a challenge for the shark, and the challenges will get even less as the movie proceeds. Dodos had better defense abilities than the humans in this film. To show how much emotion is in this scene, we are treated to a slow-motion shot of a black woman removing a clown mask.

5:00AM!! Yes, okay, whatever. Just throwing arbitrary times at me isn’t going to make me think much of it if there is no other time reference point in the film. It’s APEX HQ right now, and they are at Red Alert as the technicians fly into action. Something is wrong with the cable line, so they send out Chuck Rampart. Rampart is an ex-navy guy who pilots small subs, currently he’s working for APEX, thus why they called him. See, it all makes sense. Cat is still being harassed by her camera crew, who are wasting all their film stock on her behind. These guys must have been filming out in a desert island or something for the past year, which is why they are attracted to Cat’s less that curvaceous butt as opposed to J-Lo or someone. Still filming her butt, Cat asks “Playing with your toys?” to which the sexy response is “Toys are actually what it’s all about!” I just so want to jump their bones! Wait, I mean jump them in an alley and leave them for dead with a large portion of their skull pulverized. The expedition heads to where the tooth was found, and starts chumming (dumping fish guts to attract sharks.) I thought we’d have some sort of drama with the minisub that Rampart is in being attacked, but the writers weren’t good enough to pull off something like that. Instead, they just sit around for hours until a fin rises above the ocean surface. A Megalodon is here! Of course it’s the Megalodon, there’s no way it could be any of the other 350 shark species.

Heck, with that luck, the team decides to do some even more risky maneuvers by lowering Cameraman Davis on a tether closer to the ocean to get better shots while they dangle some meat for the shark to eat. The Megalodon takes the bait, and they get some good shots: “Animal Planet, eat your heart out!” The shark even obliges by biting the boat, leaving behind another tooth that Cat can compare with the one that was found as extra evidence. They can also tag it with a transmitter to track its movement. This whole scenario is like finding a winning lottery ticket right after you were named King of England, there is no way they can be this lucky for real.

Meanwhile on the beach, a guy who looks like Dante from Clerks if he was a complete tool is playing frisbee with his dog Journey. Journey isn’t foolish enough to go running into the ocean to chase after the frisbee, but luckily for our bloodlust Lame Dante is perfectly willing to go after it. Megalodon chomps off an arm, then chomps off a leg. Finally, Lame Dante is carried off to his doom. Ben calls on Cat for a security matter, the matter being Lame Dante’s death and her lies about being a biologist, as he looked her up and saw she was really a paleontologist. She finally spills the beans about the Megalodon, showing Ben scientific photos….of postage stamps! She states the stats for the Megalodon are 75 feet long with a 10 foot bite, which is bigger than the real estimates of the size. This current Megalodon is stated to be only a baby, thus foreshadowing what will show up later in the film. As for now, Ben is too busy being upset that Cat lied to him, going off the deep end and storming off.

The next morning, Cat contacts Ben and tells him about the transmitter, telling Ben that they can hunt it down and kill it if it looks dangerous. They get out on the sea and find it…heading full speed toward the resort and all the happy frolicking tourists! Jimmy the 15-year-old lifeguard must get all the people out of the water (some of who aren’t listening and are begging to be sharky snacks.) Cat guns the boat, and cuts off the shark. The shark seems to have some sort of magic sensors, as it now heads directly for a speedboat with a parasailor up in the air helmed by two drunken Mexican college-types. I thought Fratboys were only an American problem! Now they are Ben’s problem, as the boat races to try to save them and the parasailing senorita. The Megalodon rams the speedboat, knocking one drunken driver into the water to become dinner. People, don’t drink and parasail. THE MORE YOU KNOW! The speedboat is stopped as the Megalodon snags the parasail and begins swimming off with her attacked, while Ben and Cat attempt to save drunken Mexican number 2. The shark begins diving, and the parasail begins heading near the water. Ben pilots the boat near her (why is Ben, the rescue guy, driving instead of attempting to rescue the girl?) while Cat reaches out to grab her. It matters not, as the parasailor is soon Megalodon bait.

Back at the resort, Ruiz is happy that the resort can’t be sued over those deaths, nor will he close the beaches as we must follow this copy of Jaws some more. Except this is like the script of Jaws was written in crayon by a 3-year-old chimp. Ben and Cat go to drink their cares away, and Cat cries. They agree to find out why the shark is attracted to the APEX cable. They show the minisub driver and former Navy dude Chuck Rampart the tape of the Megalodon attacking people, and he agrees to hack the computers of APEX. Well, they didn’t even bother to get a nerd character, they just combined the grizzled military veteran with the nerdy computer hacker. Rampart also mentions that AT&T had problems with cables being bitten by sharks in the 1980’s, and since the cable goes by where the Megalodons live, if it’s fully activated, it will cause Megalodons to come out of the woodwork. Before anything else happens, Ben and Cat go to church to light candles and pray. There are more candles per square millimeter of film in this scene than in a whole Bed, Bath and Beyond store. This scene is totally out of place and looks like they tacked it on in post to pad the film out another minute or two.

The next morning, Ben, Cat, and the two camera guys head out in their boat, while Esai is also patrolling in his boat, attempting to corner the Megalodon. On the shore, Rampart finds out that APEX CEO Tolley knew the cable was leeching power, but did nothing. He yells at Tolley, as seven men died in construction of the cable due to shark attacks, which was all covered up. Tolley tells Rampart to go ahead and blow the whistle, APEX’s lawyers are the real sharks. Tolley will also have a total of 46 investors on a small cruise ship tomorrow, to woo all their money away into APEX and Tolley’s coffers. What did Rampart expect? He’s trapped in a SciFi Channel movie, he’s going to have to deal with walking stereotypes of corrupt businessmen. At least they don’t have to worry about a band of teenagers or rich hunters, so we have some blessing. Granted, watching a bunch of annoying teenager characters become shark dinner would be pretty satisfying under the right circumstances. Never mind that, they’ve spotted the Megalodon. Well, to be more precise, the Megalodon has rammed the big boat. Cameraman Davis is knocked out as he falls over from being rammed, and damage is also done to the boat’s electrical system. Cat is in the downstairs of the boat to work on that, when the Megalodon smashes through the side of the boat. She drops her shotgun, and Megalodon is pretty close to swallowing her, but is stuck in the hole it just made. She’s screaming, and Ben shows up to start beating the shark with a baseball bat. I can pretty much say for certain this is the only time I’ve seen a guy beat a shark with a bat in a movie. Ben’s attack is ineffective, as he’s knocked over as well. Cat has enough time to recover, and finds her shotgun, which still works despite being submerged in water. She shoves it in the mouth of the Megalodon, and yells “You’re extinct, f–ker!” while blowing it’s shark brains out.

Well, that ended pretty quickly. Much quicker than usual, it’s only been like an hour now…wait a minute… Esai radios that he’s coming to pick up the stranded boat, and is sailing over, when…a Gigantic Megalodon swallows his whole boat! This MegaMegalodon is just footage of a great white (usually the exact same footage for every scene) while whatever he’s eating is CGIed into his mouth. It’s a new pinnacle in evolution; let the computer artists do all the work for you! MegaMegalodon then rams the big boat the rest of the team is on, knocking everyone into the water. Cat and Ben get back on the capsized vessel, but Davis and Freidman are swallowed whole by the exact same shark footage as before. It looks like Cat and Ben are doomed, but a helicopter is flying by, and Ben signals it with flares. It drops a rope ladder to pick them up, and Ben grabs a giant tooth that just happens to be positioned so he can take it back for evidence before he heads on the ladder. Thank goodness all these shark teeth are so convenient. Sharks do lose teeth all the time, but I’ve never heard of them being so accurate in leaving them in strategic locations before. The two climb on the ladder, but unfortunately they don’t have any Bat-Shark Repellant to keep away MegaMegalodon, who takes a jumping leap to try to chomp them. Somehow, he misses eating the two sitting ducks on the ladder, and they escape as the helicopter flies upwards. The chopper pilot is pretty cool looking, and is just sitting there with his aviator sunglasses on, only slightly shocked when the MegaMegalodon tries to leaping eat the people he’s rescuing. It’s like he sees giant prehistoric animals all the time, this is just the first time it’s been a shark and not a crocodile or elasmosaur.

Ben slams the Megatooth into Ruiz’s desk in the director’s one attempt to be arty, with Ruiz starring at it. Ruiz refuses to do anything about the shark, and Ben storms off. Conferencing with Cat and Chuck Rampart, Ben finds out the US Navy won’t help as this is Mexican waters, also the Mexican Navy is ill-equipped to go shark chasing. The Coast Guard is too far away. It’s all up to themselves, just like every other movie like this (except Tarantula where the Air Force is easily called an effective.) Luckily, Chuck Rampart has the minisub from earlier and a Mark 44 Torpedo they can used on the MegaMegalodon, as well as some other explosives to use to blow up the cable to prevent more MegaMegalodons from being attracted. The only way the torpedo will hit the MegaMegalodon would be if there is a target transmitter on it (as the MegaMegalodon is not made of metal) and that will be accomplished by Cat’s sudden appearance of crossbow skills. Thank goodness she’s not only a paleontologist who can identify Megalodon from an Internet posting, but also a world class archery champion.

Rampart goes home for the night, leaving Cat and Ben alone, and then….it happens. THE line. The ultimate pickup line to be used on any girl everywhere when you want guaranteed success! We give this line 100% approval. There is no equal. “I’m really wired. What do you say, I take you home and eat your pussy?” It works, trust me, would I lie? It works here (as it always does) and soon they are sexing it up in the shower. Oddly enough, nothing is eaten in that scene…

It fades to the sunrise, and now Ben and Chuck Rampart are in the minisub while Cat is on lookout in the helicopter, still being piloted by the dude with the cool aviator sunglasses. Cat will be in good hands here! The harbor manages to be in lockdown, meaning that someone of the three got to the Mexican authorities and issued a warning, but the yacht full of rich investors will be ignoring this order. On board is CEO Tolley and also Ruiz and the girl he was feeling up at the meeting. Ruiz has brought a backpack full of grenades in case of shark attack. Well, fishing by dynamite is a method (some consider cheating) but I’ve never heard of fishing by grenade.

The Heroes use the robot arm on the submarine to put a box of explosives on a power regulator area of the underwater cable. It’s a good thing they stocked up on waterproof explosives, we wouldn’t want our dynamite wet. The explosion goes off without a hitch, and soon the underwater cable is deactivated. The computer techs just smoke a blunt instead of calling up the CEO to get yelled at. Good choice, as they will be having a new CEO pretty soon. MegaMegalodon is scouting around the yacht, preparing for lunch. He rams the yacht, knocking many rich investors over onboard the ship. Many many rich people spill their drinks, some of which gets on their clothes. The HORROR of MegaMegalodon! People keep falling down, it’s like the director has some sort of fetish for people falling, they will be doing it for pretty much the rest of the film. The turbulence causes the investors to start putting on life vests, because life vests will protect their tuxedos and dresses from excess drink spillage in the future. Cat tries to shoot the MegaMegalodon with the tracking device for the torpedo, but misses! That’s why we didn’t win the gold in Barcelona, you loser! Things would be doomed if Rampart didn’t have a backup tracking device…in the minisub! Well, the not telling anyone and not putting it in a safe place that wouldn’t get blown up if it was used actions seem to be backfiring here. “Always carry a spare, it’s the Navy way!” That’s true, all fighter planes carry a spare aircraft carrier under their left wing in case of emergency landings.

Rampart says he’ll go outside and harpoon the MegaMegalodon himself with the tracking device, then Ben will fire the torpedo and blow up the shark. That would work, except now Ruiz is tossing grenades into the ocean. Not at the shark, just randomly into the ocean. Smooth move, Ex-Lax! His failure keeps MegaMegalodon alive, but affects Ben and Rampart in the minisub, as the explosions threaten to damage the vessel. CEO Tolley grabs the entire back of grenades and just dumps them in the ocean nowhere near the the MegaMegalodon, causing a big explosion that does nothing to stop the shark, but does allow use of the shaky-cam in the minisub set! The minisub’s shaky-cam wears off, and they can get into position to let Rampart out. Topside, the movie now moves into crazy ridiculous to freaking stupidly awesome. The mess of problems results in a feeding frenzy of bad filmmaking. The investors are so affected by the MegaMegalodon’s continual ramming of the boat, they start jumping into the water to escape. Escape the shark. By getting into the ocean. Yeah. Some of them are clearly falling in, but the majority are leaping into the water, seemingly at random. Some life rafts are also floating along in the ocean, ready for jumping investors. Seriously, the people keep jumping into the shark infested water, soon to become dinner. Just stay on the boat, morons, the shark will engorge itself on the people who leap!

Ruiz’s girl is about to jump over the edge, but Ruiz stops her. With what was at first though to be some sort of statement, but we find out is actually just Ruiz snagging her lifejacket for himself. Leaving her behind, he leaps into the ocean for his freedom. He finds only teeth, throat, stomach, and death, for he leaps into the mouth of the MegaMegalodon. He couldn’t have done it better had he tried. MegaMegalodon is still hungry, so it swallows a whole life raft full of people! D’oh! CEO Tolley enacts his escape plan, which is to jump on a jet ski and drive away. His plan has one flaw, he didn’t put in a provision for not driving directly into the mouth of a MegaMegalodon.

Rampart manages to stick MegaMegalodon with the transmitter, allowing torpedo action, but it dislodges when Ben rams the MegaMegalodon with the minisub to distract it from eating Rampart. Instead, Ben has a new plan. He fires the torpedo at absolutely nothing in the opposite direction while MegaMegalodon bites down and tries to chomp the minisub in its mouth. The torpedo starts to turn, being attracted to the metal frame of the minisub, and soon Ben is abandoning ship as the torpedo comes home to land. We get a quick cameo from some sort of Nintendo 64 diving game that…wait, that’s supposed to be Ben swimming away from the minisub? Has the artist worked on human before in her life? Yeesh.


That was the torpedo landing on the minisub blowing up the MegaMegalodon. Duh! It was also done in CGI from 1992. Ben was hit by shockwaves, but is found floating on the surface, and is quickly revived. Like 3 investors survives the yacht attack, and have a lifeboat that Ben, Rampart, and the newly exiting the chopper Cat use to survive. Ben quips “Megalo-who?” and people laugh! I guess Ben’s jokes that are a result of the massive brain damage he received due to his oxygen deprivation when he was unconscious. The laughter at the lame joke is attempted to be shock ended when another shark is seen nearby. That might be scary if we knew it was another Megalodon, and not just some random shark passing through. Maybe it’s supposed to be a MegaMegaMegalodon. Or even a Negalodon. Or even a Megalotron, evil leader of the Deceptilocons. What ever it is, it will suck. The cheeseball finale with people leaping into the water only to be eaten is a tour de force of entertaining cinema. It’s not entertaining for the reasons the filmmakers wanted, but it serves us none the less. One big complaint is the lack of character development for the Helicopter Pilot. He obviously knew of the giant shark, and was even involved in the end battle (living through the end!) yet is barely referenced by the main characters. He should have been included more in the planning, someone as cool as him would have made the film a tad more high class. Well, as high class as a Megalodon shark movie on SciFi Channel could be.

SciFi Channel continues to provide us with junk, and we will continue to serve up that junk with a side of sarcasm and lame jokes. It’s the only way to stop them. Soon, the excess sarcasm will seep into the lower atmosphere, collecting in cloud patterns. The clouds will be driven to seek out the offices of SciFi Channel and rain down the loathing of the viewing population on their heads. The contempt at the bad science, the horrible scripts, the one-dimensional characters, the bad CGI, and the actors of the living dead are a potent combination, and the purified terror that will grip the offices of SciFi Channel is enough to make a horror movie of its own. Until then, keep strong, and eat some pussy!

Rated 7/10 (Alien rip-off, Smart Doggy, Para-DEATH!!!, APEX, Playstation diver, Fin tension, Hey, let’s pray and all before our carnal lust and driving one of God’s creatures extinct!)

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Written by Tars Tarkas

Tars Tarkas

Runs this joint!