Battle Beast Files – Series 3, Part 1


Who are the Battle Beasts? Let’s get to know each and every one personally!
Series 3, Part I!

Number: 53
Name: Panzer Panda
Japanese Name: Strong Panda
Ruler of Country: King of East Yutoranta
Position: Rescue/Relief Combatant
Weapon Name: Strong Aid (Gray Machete)
Affiliation: Autobot
Series: 3
Species: Panda (Black and White w/ Red Armor)
Panda is the doctor of the Beasts. Please call him Dr. Strong Panda, or Dr. P for short. Panda plays the role of Ratchet in Transformers, being the medic. Notice how the villains never have anyone who repairs people, but the Good Guys always have someone. Dr. P is a popular Beast, because he’s Panda-riffic! As the kIng of East Yutoranta, he defends East Yutoranta from all those other Yutorantas, like North Yutoranta, South-West Yutoranta, and Smorth Yutoranta (home of the Smurfs.) Dr. P’s medical style is like Dr. House from House, except he’s not crippled, instead a Shaolin Kung Fu Master, as well as knowledgeable in Chinese Medicine. This comes in handy since most Traditional Chinese Medicine is made out of animal parts, and that’s what the Beasts are, animals. Dr. P is best friends with Grizzly Bear, they’ve formed the Battle Beasts Bear Social Club, despite him not being a real bear.
Number: 54
Name: Leapin’ Lizard
Japanese Name: Shield Dragon
Ruler of Country: Emperor of Jigurard
Position: Communications Soldier
Weapon Name: Teleprojector (Gray Weapon)
Affiliation: Decepticon
Series: 3
Species: Frilled Lizard (Brown w/ Blue Armor)
Leapin’ Lizard is a crazy Mo-Fo! He jumps around yelling “BOO!” sticking out his tongue, harassing waitresses, and parking in handicapped zones. Leapin’ Lizard usually annoys his allies to the point where they constantly kick him out of their bases, but that’s the kind of thing Leapin’ Lizard loves! As a communications soldier, Lizard makes prank calls constantly, asking if fridges are running, if Prince White Leo is in a can, and what direction your toilet water is spinning. Leapin’ Lizard collects left shoes, pictures of Bea Arthur, and used corn cobs. Only Leapin’ Lizard can use the communications device, which is the only reason they keep him around. Sprint is planning to build a network next year, so Lizard may soon be out of a job.
Number: 55
Name: Killer Koala
Japanese Name: Koala Gray
Ruler of Country: King of Lapol
Position: Grasslands Reconnaissance Unit
Weapon Name: Iron Axe (Gray Battleaxe)
Affiliation: Autobot
Series: 3
Species: Koala Bear (Gray w/ Olive Armor)
Koala Gray is a good name, despite it sounding like he has a picture in the attic that ages while he stays the same age. Koala has an ear replaced with a radar dish, so he can eavesdrop on strangers on the bus. He hears some of the strangest conversations that way. Sometimes, he even hears secrets, which he uses to his advantage. Koala suddenly bought 5000 shares of Weasel-Co. right before it announced it’s new line of replacement hands. Koala wrote an article about how Horny Toad has an illegitimate daughter. Koala has been given a wide berth recently, as everyone thinks he’ll reveal secrets about them. Here is a secret about Koala: he likes to eat flower petals. Koala wishes he had his normal life back. The only solace he can find is in battle, attacking his enemies. Luckily, on Planet Beast, he can find a lot of solace.
Number: 56
Name: Tarsier Tyrant
Japanese Name: Demon Key (or Demonkey)
Ruler of Country: Emperor of Parumira
Position: Forest Demolition Soldier
Weapon Name: Demon Waver (Gray Machete)
Affiliation: Decepticon
Series: 3
Species: Tarsier (Brown w/ Green Armor)
Tarsier is a freaky-looking pseudo-monkey. His almost-monkey self scares many Beasts, especially the Primates. His dismissal has caused him to become an outcast, making him easy prey to fall for the Decepticon Beasts lies. He is not a loyal foot soldier, happily destroying the very rain forest he lives in because his team wills it. He doesn’t see the big picture, only wanting to belong. Mockingly called a Demon Monkey, it was shortened to Demonkey as his personal nickname, which some have modified to Demon Key. His Demon Waver weapon chops down both trees and Beasts in battle. A fearsome foe, too bad he chose the losing side. Perhaps the Beasts will become more accepting in the future to prevent tragedies like this from happening again.
Number: 57
Name: Black Panther
Japanese Name: Black Jaguar
Ruler of Country: King of Nupal
Position: Head Bodyguard
Weapon Name: Hyper Beam (Gray Spear with Handguard)
Affiliation: Autobot
Series: 3
Species: Black Jaguar (Black w/ Aqua Armor)
Word. Power to his people. Black Panther is a revolutionary, fighting the Beast, the Oppressor, the Decepticons. Black Panther will gain his freedom, by any means necessary. His people will be free, the Nupalian Kings and Queens are a proud people, and will not bow. They shall break their chairs, they shall overcome. Black Panther is a controversial figure, but does more help to the community than harm. His methods are controversial, and there are divisions among his followers, but the message is the same: All Beasts deserve freedom and equality. Those who oppose this view will be crushed. No quarter will be given, no line will be drawn, it’s all or nothing.
Number: 58
Name: Torrential Tapir
Japanese Name: Dream Eater
Ruler of Country: Emperor of Erku
Position: Special Combat Unit
Weapon Name: Quick Dreamer (Gray Forked Scimitar)
Affiliation: Autobot
Series: 3
Species: Tapir (White w/ Green Armor)
Dream Eater. That is just such a cool name. Dream Eater puts so many other names to shame. From his description, it’s obvious that Dream Eater was a special troops who put enemies to sleep and then beat the crap out of them. That’s a noble goal to do in battle. My only complaint is that would be a cool villain move, why is he fighting with the Good Guys? There should always be way more villains than heroes, but only He-Man has pulled this off correctly. At least he’s a cool-sounding Beast. Too bad Tapirs aren’t exactly the best Beasts to be a Beast. This keeps him on the B-List. But don’t tell this to his face, he’ll put you to sleep and you’ll wake up tied up, hanging naked from a tree in the middle of the forest, with bruises all over your body.
Number: 59
Name: King Cobra
Japanese Name: Cobrander
Ruler of Country: King of Jigrad
Position: Emperor of Jiguraado
Weapon Name: Mahilacore (Gray Sword/Axe)
Affiliation: Decepticon
Series: 3
Species: Cobra (Brown w/ Purple Armor)
COOOOOOBRA! Those darn GI Joe Beasts keep keeping Cobra down. Wait, this is a different Cobra. This guy is both King and Emperor of Jiguraado. That’s like when certain dictators call themselves President for Life. He wields the Mahilacore. what is a Mahila? Well, Mahila is the most respected word for a Telugu woman. So Cobrander is big on women’s rights. That’s good, but he’s still a Bad Guy. He has the incredibly valuable Stoned Cobra form, which gets it’s own segment. Cobrander rules with an iron fist, but he doesn’t put up with inequality. Every Beast is equal, except he is more equal. Disagree, and he’ll throw you into a pit of Triple Threat Snakes.
Number: 60
Name: Maniac Mandrill
Japanese Name: Baboon
Ruler of Country: Emperor of Nirmudo
Position: Mountains and Forest Staff Officer
Weapon Name: Babooner (Gray Halberd)
Affiliation: Autobot
Series: 3
Species: Mandrill (Gray w/ Brown Armor)
He’s a maniac, maniac on the floor. And he’s dancing like he’s never danced before… As Emperor of Nirmudo, Mandrill uses his high status to fling poo at his enemies. Well, what else can you say? His Japanese name is the very imaginative Baboon, making him the only Beast whose name I correctly guessed as a child. Maniac Mandrill instead is low quality Beast who fails to impress. And look at all that mascara! Someone needs some proper makeup tips. Shame shame shame, everyone knows your name. Plus, no red butt=no win.
Number: 61
Name: Pixilated Pointer
Japanese Name: Dog Hunter
Ruler of Country: King of Iriano
Position: High-Speed Reconnaissance Unit
Weapon Name: Beam Hunter (Gray Mech-Halberd)
Affiliation: Autobot
Series: 3
Species: Pointer Dog (Brown w/ Blue Armor)
Another day, another dog. Continuing the One Series, One Dog tradition, Pointer joins the Battle Beasts as the Dog of the Week. We could have nothing but Dog Beasts and still fill a medium sized room. Battle Beasts have gone to the dogs. Well, I have a bone to pick with that. Why not more interesting dogs? We need Wiener Dogs! We need Dalmatians! We need St. Bernards! We need “Yo Qiero Taco Bell!” Until my demands are met, I shall march outside the offices of every toymaker in the country! There will be a day of reckoning, and I will be triumphant! Dog Beasts for All!
Number: 62
Name: Pillager Pig
Japanese Name: Buupink
Ruler of Country: King of Heles
Position: Food Reconnaissance Unit
Weapon Name: Gourmenia (Gray Spear)
Affiliation: Autobot
Series: 3
Species: Pig (Pink w/ Red Armor)
A Pig? Lame. Babe he is not. Well, my Pig had an unfortunate accident where he was chewed up by my puppy when I was a kid. He lost both his arms, one of which I replaced with a gun from some random toy set. Japan seems to think he’s lame, making him a Food Reconnaissance Unit. His name, Buupink, is pretty crappy as well. Nothing is exciting about Pig. Why do you stink so bad? When I can make you more exciting by just adding a yellow gun on instead of an arm, something is dearly wrong.
Number: 63
Name: Rowdy Rooster
Japanese Name: Laser Cock
Ruler of Country: Emperor of East Yutoranta
Position: Air Staff Officer
Weapon Name: Valiant Laser (Gray Double-Bladed Spear)
Affiliation: Autobot
Series: 3
Species: Rooster (White w/ Light Blue Armor)
“Laser Cock”!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Laser Cock! Hahahahaha!!! Air “Staff” officer! Hahahahaha! Laser Cock!!! Cock! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! HA-hahahahahaha! Laser Cock! Valiant Laser…Cock! Hahahahahaha!
Number: 64
Name: Musky Ox
Japanese Name: Musk-Horn
Ruler of Country: King of West Yutoranta
Position: Mountains Combatant
Weapon Name: Mind Saber (Gray Broadsword)
Affiliation: Autobot
Series: 3
Species: Water Buffalo (Brown w/ Yellow Armor)
Possessing a sweet sword, the Mind Saber, Water Buffalo looks like a winner. For some reason, Water Buffalo was elected President of the Battle Beasts. He walked around wearing a suit and red tie. He ruled with Pirate Lion, but the President is more of a ceremonial post. WB’s best attribute is his cool sword. It’s just cool. All the other Beasts want it. That’s why they made him president, so he’s be too busy being diplomatic to use his sword. Water Buffalo gets the last laugh, as he uses his sword for Line-Item Vetoes.
Series 2, Part IISeries 3, Part II

Special Thanks:
White Leo’s Site
Beastformers.com
Master List (Aratak’s Plastic Warriors)

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Written by Tars Tarkas

Tars Tarkas

Runs this joint!