And now the first installment of Bootleg RoundTable! This time, the Bootleg Toys will be discussion the Summer Blockbusters of 2006.

Mission Impossible 3

Tom Cruise’s latest actioner opened to what was called disappointing returns – $48.025 million for opening weekend. Starring Tom Cruise, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Keri Russell, Maggie Q, and Ving Rhames. I’d love to have $48.025 million! I fail to see how this is entirely Cruise’s fault, when I have no interest in seeing the film for other reasons. Primarily $3.29 9/10 a gallon reasons. I can’t even fill up my Hummer with my latest paycheck! I’d ask Wal-Mart for a raise, but they’d just call INS on me. What part of this film is when he jumps on the couch? All I see is that guy who masturbates in Happiness making wild threats and that chick from Naked Weapon. Why is Felicity playing Katie Holmes? Am I the only one who thinks TomKat is a dumb name? Oh, and I’m not enthused about this movie. The only celebrity babies worth hearing about is Brangelina’s, and Britney’s for whatever life-endangering action she’s undertaking. This movie totally increased my Thetan levels.

Poseidon

A remake of the 1972 The Poseidon Adventure, costing an amazing $140,000,000. Starring Kurt Russell, Josh Lucas, Richard Dreyfuss, and Andre Braugher. Why did they spend $140 million on this when there was a TV movie version out last year? Is America really ready for dueling Poseidon movies so soon after 9-11? That guy from Glory is a pretty good actor, but he shouldn’t stop Snake Plissken and the Mashed Potato Guy from Close Encounters whn they need to get to the top of the boat which is the bottom. I demand that the Federal Government outfit all Ocean Liners with automatic re-turner rightside-uppers! I’m writing my Senator today, Mr. Jar Jar Binks! He He, that guy said “bottom”! Upside down boats suck. Where’s the nudity and vampires? Or nude vampires who suck off your clothes to make you more nude and then you’re upside down and nude with vampires and ninja robots? I’d see that movie!

The Da Vinci Code

Based on the best selling novel from Dan Brown, this big budget movie was destined for the silver screen. Starring Tom Hanks, Audrey Tautou, Ian McKellen, and Jean Reno. This movie has gotten a lot of heat from Right Wing Groups who have nothing better to do than complain about everything. That actually makes me want to see it despite never reading the book, despite my girlfriend Jennifer’s insistence. Perhaps director Ron Howard can make a entertaining film for once. Why are Forrest Gump and Amélie defacing the Mona Lisa? Magneto must be directing them secretly. Luckily, the Professional will stop them! Take that, Forrest, your chocolate will be death by French Assassin! This film is offensive to me, much like the novel was, and the other novel by Dan Brown. And the Unofficial Dan Brown Readers, the specials on the History Channel, and the transcripts from the plagerism lawsuit. I can’t get enough of Dan Brown, because I have an fetish about being offended. Sure, when I write messages on the Mona Lisa I get arrested…

X-Men: The Last Stand

The third in the successful series about a group of mutants and how society reacts to them. Based on the Marvel Comics. Starring Patrick Stewart, Hugh Jackman, Ian McKellen, Famke Janssen, and Kelsey Grammer. Directed by Brett Ratner, which is causing some controversy as Bryan Singer bailed to do Superman Returns. This will probably anger nerds across the Internet, and many non-nerds with Ratner’s addition. I say: more drama is good drama! I’ll be there opening day just to hear the groans, music to my ears! Captain Picard needs Fraiser to help him fight Gandalf? Gandalf will kick his Radio DJ butt! Well, this can’t be worse than Electra, Daredevil, The Hulk, Catwoman, Batman and Robin, Kull, Man-Thing, Howard the Duck, or breaking up with my girlfriend Jennifer, Can it? Dude, Howard the Duck! I know that guy! He’s my neighbor, good guy, but lives with 23 camels. Very strange. Spitters. Those camels spit all over. Got hit in the eye once. Very painful. Camel spit is 73% Formic Acid. It’s true. They use it as a defense against desert predators.

Cars

The latest CGI film from Pixar, a company with a solid track of good films. Voice talents include Owen Wilson, George Carlin, and Larry The Cable Guy. Talking Cars? I’m too much of a Pixar fanboy to stay away, but talking cars? I thought I was confused when I didn’t know if he was a Cable Guy or a Health Inspector, now he’s a freaking car??? This movie is a complete rip off of My Mother the Car! Except now it’s a whole family of cars! And that female car has one of those tramp stamp tattoos! If this movie has car sex I will be disgusted but unable to turn away. OH MY GOD, THE CARS ARE TALKING!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift

The latest in the Fast and the Furious series takes us to far away Tokyo for the world of Drift Racing. So a white boy from the country with a terrible accent and his walking stereotype black friend go to far away Japan to show Japanese people how to race with cars they built and races they invented? Plus somehow he meets a Latina girlfriend, and shames Japanese men for being Japanese? Why would I want to see this garbage? That kid from Sling Blade grew up to race cars in Japan? This movie makes me want to kill myself. Though maybe that’s because my ex-girlfriend Jennifer blocked me from her Livejournal. I liked this movie better when it was called 3 Fast 3 Furious.

Superman Returns

The long awaited, very expensive Superman movie is finally off of the ground. Starring Brandon Routh, Kevin Spacey, and Kate Bosworth. Will it live up to the decade of hype? This movie excites me only because I am implanting my love of Superman II onto it! Kneel before Zod, Son of Jor-El! Kaiser Soze would totally kick Superman’s butt! No Giant Spider for Superman to fight made me wary. Then I heard he isn’t fighting a giant polar bear at his Fortress of Solitude! I wish I had a fortress to retreat to when things get tough. I’m so sad right now… The only real Superman is Kirk Alyn!

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest

Sequel to the entertaining blockbuster. Starring Johnny Depp, Olando Bloom, and Kiera Knightly. At last, an excuse to wear more eyeliner! When Legolas and Edward Scissorhands get together, they are a Pirate Dream Team! ::RIIIING:: Hello? Jennifer? Oh, sorry. No, I wouldn’t be interested in credit card fraud protection. This movie’s talk of Pirates’ “booty” and mens’ chests makes me think it will be an odd adult film.

Miami Vice

Michael Mann’s Miami Vice movie has been plagued with production problems and cost overruns. Will that harm Crockett and Tubbs’ chances at the Box Office? Time will tell. Starring Colin Farrell, Jamie Foxx, and Gong Li. Michael Mann created the original Miamia Vice, so this might actually be good. Whether is makes money or not is another story entirely. I thought Ray Charles was blind, why is he driving around Miami so soon after crashing his jet fighting a robot plane? So in ten years we’ll have dozens of Law and Order, CSI, and According to Jim movies? Because that’s not a world I want to live in. Especially with Jennifer gone… If we combined Miami Vice and CSI: Miami into CSI: Miami Vice we’d have the greatest cop show in the history of mankind!

Snakes on a Plane

Snakes on a Plane has developed a rabid fanbase on the internet for it’s title alone, as well as star Samuel L. Jackson. The feel good hit of the summer? You couldn’t drag me away from this movie! I want to see Sam whip up on some snakes! Mace Windu would easily defeat snakes with his Jedi Master Powers. Too bad they don’t work on whiny emo teenagers. JENNIFER!!! I STILL LOVE YOU, JENNIFER!!! Please take me back! I can change! Our three weeks were the greatest three weeks in the history of mankind! JENNIFER!!!!! SNAKES ON A PLANE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That’s it for now! Join us next time, for Bootleg Roundtable!

About the Authors:

Bootleg Battle Beast Tiger is a Mathematics Professor at the University of Oregon. He’s made David Horowitz’s List of 100 Most Dangerous Professors in the U.S. due to his stance on Human-Robocop marriage. His favotie hobby is Go Go Dancing. Bootleg Obi-Wan is a Professional Everquest player. He’s currently running 19 simultaneous characters and makes $170,000 a year selling items on eBay. Recently single, he’s looking to get back on the dating market. His favorite hobbies are Leveling and Running Raids. Bootleg Lando is owner of the popular nightclub Smooth G, and author of the 2002 bestseller How to Get the Colt 45 Women When You’re Only Colt 4.5. His favorite hobby is naked skateboarding. Bootleg 4-LOM is a poet warrior and LiveJournal author extraordinaire. His favorite hobbies are stalking his ex-girlfriend Jennifer and ignoring Court Restraining Orders. Bootleg Barada is the King of the Underpants Frogs and a Level 19 Ninja. His favorite hobby is corresponding with prisoners.

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