After a slight delay due to real life doing real life things, here are the winners, as promised! The 2006 Tarsies will go down in legend. Maybe. Sure. If I remember to do them again next year. Or something. Just read on!
Alone in the Dark — Yes, the obvious is the clear winner. Dr. Uwe Boll is a master of pain in celluloid form. The leads had the chemistry of toxic waste, the sex scene made me sterile, the pointless bullet-time was a leftover from his previous movie. The slaughter of the whole team for no reason was just bizare, not to mention badly cribbed from Aliens. The ending….my God, the ending….. I’d rather go hunting with Dick Cheney than sit through this again!
Christian Slater — Alone in the Dark — Gleaming the Cube he isn’t, I’d like to Pump up the volume on a call for him to go back to acting classes, but he’s too busy filming Hollow Man 2. The last good thing he was in was Broken Arrow (3000 Miles to Graceland not withstanding) and since has been in a downward spiral. Wouldn’t have been so bad, Mindhunters proves he can still pull of an enjoyable performance, despite the implausible death he had in that movie. Lesson of the year: stay away from Uwe, even if you need to make rent.
Tara Reid — Alone in the Dark — Personifying everything wrong with Hollywood and America today, Tara Reid ditzes her way through this film. Normally that would be find for an eye candy role, except she’s supposed to be a brilliant scientist!!! The ponytail and glasses fail to mask her inability to pronounce words with more than two syllables. When your entire acting costume of “glasses and ponytail” have been parodies previously by Not Another Teen Movie, it’s time to pick a new actress.
Dr. Uwe Boll — Alone in the Dark — Dr. Boll is a genius. A financial genius, who can get massive funding for all sorts of films, despite his terrible track record. Unfortunately for the entire universe, he’s also a filmmaker. His yearly cine-turddumps are responsible for more ill-will in the world than internet arguments over which Star Trek captain was the best. Although he wouldn’t be nearly as notorious had he stuck to non-video game movies, but he attacked nerd territory, and thus must be punished by the hand of justice. (I won’t speculate what most of those 26-year-old parents’ basement dwellers do with their other hand!) Uwe is a colossal failure, and his film sweeps the four major awards this year. I should have just named them “The Uwes.”
The Fog — Way to ruin the original. The original being a small budget affair, yet this big budget sleeping pill’s greatest horror is the sticky substance under your feet at the theater. Abysmal CGI, loathsome characters, and a putrefying ending. Seeing this during an actual fog would improve it 200%, for you’d not have to see the movie, and could easily be distracted away from the ghastly incompetent dialogue. A mess, and that’s generous.
Son of the Mask — Jim Carrey has some of the worst sequels in filmdom. The two he’s never been in! Poor Mr. Carrey. Poor Tex Avery. Poor Milo and Otis. Poor us for living in a world where this film is possible. Once I get up the courage, it will join the other winners here!
Worst “The” movie
The Fog — Should be “Da Fog.” Hey, I can repeat the joke, because this category is lame, almost as lame as The Fog. Hopefully this will be here soon.
Worst DTV movie (Direct to Video)
Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life — Well, it’s not really on video yet, but was a Lifetime Networks premiere, which means it will get their eventually. It will be a gold mine for them, judging how popular the article is on this site (5120 hits at this writing, four times more poplar than the next contender!) The Reefer Madness for the cyberage. Thrill as young Jeremy Sumpter ruins his life thanks to digital boobies. Shrill is his mother’s voice. Skill is what this movie doesn’t have. Wonder at why that girl smashed her head. (???) Also, “virgin vaginas” I love it! The amount of people looking for shirtless pictures of Jeremy Sumpter or nude shots of him mom give away how much of a failure the movie is. So heavy handed, the hands burrowed their way through the core of the Earth and popped out in China, smacking a guy down there. That’s why China hates us now, all because of Cyber Seduction. Lifetime – Television for hysterical moms who will take away your internet because using it makes you a cyberslut.