Wild Things 2 (Review)

Wild Things 2

Susan Ward as Brittney Havers (The Rich Girl)
Leila Arcieri as Maya King (The Bad Girl)
Linden Ashby as Detective Michael Morrison
Isaiah Washington as Terence Bridge

Remember that movie Wild Things, which had a bunch of plot twists and murder? Oh, so you only remember the threesome scene. Well, good news for you. This is the same movie. There are a few differences, indeed, but they basically just renamed all the characters. Instead of Denise Richards or Neve Campbell, we get Susan Ward and Leila Arcieri. Who are they? Well, they work for cheap, that’s who they are!

From the original movie, the same characters reemerge. First up is the Rich Girl, before played by Denise Richards, this time played by Susan Ward. Rich girl is sad because her stepmother is dead, and she must live with her wicked step-father. See, it’s a completely different movie, with Step-father this time. Rich girl is named Brittney, letting everyone except those with very heavy brain damage know where one part of her character’s inspiration came from. Bad Girl also shows up, the Neve Campbell role filled by Leila Arcieri, who we know is bad because she gets camera zooms, bad girl music, and she sits at the assembly with her feet up on another seat. So bad! Because she’s so bad, she has to work for the school newspaper as punishment. Meanwhile, all the students are being punished by going to an assembly, as this was done previously in the first Wild Things, this is what the movies are known for, bored students in assemblies! Principal Weenie lets Detective Michael Morrison lecture about not partying hard, and Forensics Guy also lectures. Detective Morrison is played by Johnny Cage, which should be holding the student’s attention, but to no avail. Maybe some Fatalities should have been employed. No one pays attention because the entire school is wild about some volleyball finals happening in a few minutes, which is this movie’s excuse to get the characters into bikinis and bouncing around for some extra shots.

The students run out to the volleyball field….MOTHER OF GOD! That Extra…She’s….A Holocaust survivor! She must have broken out of Auschwitz this morning! Poor girl only weighs 12 pounds, and immediately runs to see a volleyball game instead of getting some food. Such dedication to her team. Luckily, this Temple of Anorexia gives me some time to complain about women’s obsessions with looking like skeletons now. It’s disgusting, and thank goodness none of the real actresses in this film subscribe to skeleton theory.

Back at the jigglefest, I mean the volleyball tournament, Brittney defeats the opposing school after being inspired by Bad Girl’s taunts. As the team jumps up and down for the audience’s pleasure in celebration, a voiceover that I’m guessing is supposed to be Brittney’s friends states “Party at your place, Britt!” It’s nice to know that you can just announce to your friend that they are hosting a party, and the entire school shows up to mooch. One particular moocher marks up the picture of Brittney’s dead mother, while Bad Girl arrives via motorcycle, because everyone who rides motorcycles are bad and trailer trash. She also smokes, as all Bad Girls smoke, and incites Brittney with scathing remarks such as “You can take the girl out of the trailer park…” making the Spears angle as transparent as Spears’s actual lack of talent is to everyone who is not a 12 year old girl. Stepfather Niles returns home and kicks everyone out. Just as it’s set up that you should hate him, he’s seen being threatened by a Latino Gangsta and then dies in a plane crash. Daddy please don’t go!

Now that Step-daddy is shark bait, Brittney is informed and only coma patients haven’t concluded she knows more than she lets on. The crash wreckage is investigated by Detective “Johnny Cage” Morrison, and suddenly, Insurance Investigator Terence Bridge gets a Bruckheimer-style “hero walk” shot as he heads to the wreckage. That was completely out of place, but so is actor Isaiah Washington, who is a real actor and not just a star of video game movies. He’s here to outact everyone in this movie as revenge for becoming trapped in this pointless direct to video sequel. Called “T” by the random white woman he calls now and then, T and Det. Morrison hate each other for some reason. I guess T could never master back, down, back, high punch to get the Shadow Uppercut. In any fashion, dead rats are in the plane, having chewed through some wiring bringing it down. Brittney cares not, she’s just interesting in getting her grubby little hands on the fortune. Lo and behold, step-daddy has a surprise in store for her, he’s giving her only $25,000 a year, and the rest of the money goes to a country club unless an blood heir is found.

I’m sure you figured out which character will be the blood heir by now. Auschwitz Girl!!! No, it’s Bad Girl, and we redo the court sequence from the first movie, where Bad Girl is revealed to be the daughter of a former maid of the family. Forensics Guy confirms the DNA match, and Bad Girl gets the money.

Enough of the plot, it’s THREESOME TIME! Bad Girl and Brittney start making with the bedroom bam-bam, and are joint by our mystery male component–Forensics Guy! Good job, Forensics Guy, nice to see minor characters getting in on the sex action with the lesbians. As a change of pace, we have the Bad Girl showing off her boobs while the Rich Girl takes off her shirt with a behind view. Actually, it’s a body double for Bad Girl, so in actuality we see NEITHER of them naked. What a damn ripoff. They do keep the champagne theme, and it also comes into play as the rats in the plane have corks in their stomachs, and there are rats in the basement of Rich Girl’s house with all the Champagne bottles…

T is playing the role of “scare the various partners until they worry the others enough that they kill them” role and visiting the people to freak them out. T has some sort of superhuman intelligence causing him to figure out things that were just shown to us with visual clues but not really revealed to him in any way. As the other actors start running scared of his statements and his acting ability, soon T has figured out Bad Girl’s real father is buried in a voodoo cemetery (thanks to the help of a Bayou Redneck with a Shotgun) while Bad Girl gets a company check for $69 million dollars. Forensics Guy gets something also, shot in the back! Bad Girl and Rich Girl dump him where the crocs ate Rich Girl’s mother a year ago, and T figures the whole thing out. He gets Detective Morrison to search, but the cops waste all day and find no evidence, because it’s in some crocodile’s stomach. Morrison tells T that if he sees him again he’ll do the Knock off Three Heads Fatality. T gets mad, until he remembers one of the plants sucks in water, and it also happened to suck in blood from Forensics Guy. Watching Discovery Channel pays off for once, and T uses the blood to demand half of the $69 million. This pisses off Rich Girl enough she shoots Bad Girl. Yep, you read that right. Rich Girl tells him “You want half the money? Then you earn it!” and makes him get rid of the body. He’s driving around as a black man with a dead girl in his trunk, and Rich Girl calls the cops on him, putting him in a world of pain. It gets even worse when Detective Morrison gets a video tape from Rich Girl’s house’s surveillance system that shows T threatening the girls. T gets sent to the Big House, which is the price you pay for being able to act in a Direct to Video Sequel.

Step-dad ain’t dead, by the way. He shows up to have faked his death in a plane flown by Rich Girl, who is faking her death by plane. But Step-dad’s parachute is filled with newspapers, and he’s now really dead. Rich Girl parachutes out and is picked up by her mother, who also isn’t dead. No one in this film can stay dead, it seems. They ride off, and the film steals from it’s predecessor again by showing clips throughout the credits pointing out more betrayals, more plot details, and making it look like Rich Girl kills her mom as well. Maybe we’d find out if she was in Wild Things 3, but the only person to return is Detective Morrison. The public demands more Detective Morrison, and more they shall have!

Did you like Wild Things, but think “I wish the actors were five hundred times worse, the nude scenes involved a single body double, the twists all predictable, and a black man gets sent to jail” then this is the movie for you! Otherwise, go pick up some decent Direct to Video sequels, such as…..uh…I’m sure there are some. As long as there are Direct to Video movies, then this site will have a constant supply of crap to watch while we could be curing cancer. That’s the way we roll on TarsTarkas.NET.

Rated 3/10 (Random Dog, Yelling Step-Daddy, The director puts in an scene with good cinematography for once!)

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