Alley Cat (Review)

Alley Cat


1982
Starring
Karin Mani as Billie
Robert Torti as Johnny
Michael Wayne as Scarface

Women revenge flicks are a guilty pleasure, especially trashy eighties ones. My pleasure reaches full heights with this entry into the genre. It has all the trimmings: cute girl, tough girl, corrupt cops, girl shoots people, women in jail, gratuitous nudity, villains straight from a stereotype convention, and terrible lawyers. The striking Karin Mani is Belinda “Billie” Clark, a gruff, no-nonsense type of gal who doesn’t hesitate to kick butt of the scum of society that threaten her. As a karate expert and also a crack shot, she takes down all the men who stand in her way and harm her family. Corrupt judges, dirty cops, and the bottom feeders in the park best get out of the way, when the Alley Cat comes, revenge will be had!



Billie’s tires are being stolen, and she beats up the thugs and sends them packing. But they run to their boss, a bescarred fellow who always looks like he is concentrating hard on popping his skull out of his head. Scarface, as he is known in the credits, also has many of the best lines, insulting his dimwitted colleagues with wit that rivals a rapier’s sharpness. Scarface gathers the goons and goes for revenge, stabbing Billie’s grandparents in a fake mugging. At the hospital, the overly gay receptionist points Billie to where her grandparents are (after some initial resistance) and Billie also literally runs into a rookie cop named Johnny, who will be our romantic interest for the film. Grandpa is okay, but Grandma is hurt bad.



That night, Billie goes running in the park alone. In the dark. This smart decision making policy allows her to be attacked constantly through out the film during the slow moments. One such moment is happening now, so Billie interrupts a rape with her gun. It happens to be being committed by Heckel and Jeckel who were stealing the tires in the beginning of the film. The police arrive two hours later, and gruff old cop arrest Billie when she starts complaining, much to the disgust of Rookie Johnny. Jail will become a familiar sight to Billie in the course of this film. There will be time for that later, as Grandma has died. The goons tell Scarface about their new predicament, and he takes care of the woman they were raping, murder style. At Billie’s trial, the judge gives her a fine and probation, despite all evidence showing her innocence. Johnny shows her how he deals with stress, karate. Except Billie is much better than him, and then she shows him how she deals with stress, lots and lots of sex. the full frontal nudity here makes this film a top notch winner!



When Heckel and Jeckel have their trial, they just get a fine for being drunk. Billie complains in the courtroom, only to be sent to jail for thirty days. Johnny gets into a fight with his corrupt partner, who he beats the tar out of. In the joint, Billie picks up a new unwanted crush, a female prisoner named Sam. We get some more nice nudity here, and Johnny gets the judge to let Billie out via blackmail. Johnny has also located a hooker who knows Scarface. Said hooker is thusly chained topless to the bed by Johnny, who watches her slowly go through withdrawal to the point of needing the drugs badly, and she talks. Billie beats up some more people in the park, screaming “Don’t mess with girls in the park. That’s not nice!” Yes, it’s not nice. Not nice at all. Billie starts to hunt down the goons of Scarface, and beats up some Latino guy who is friends with one, and then beats up a second goon. Johnny realizes she is missing and goes looking for her, but finds nothing.

Billie manages to find goon #1 and Scarface, and it’s final battle time! The battle is ripe with “wackija wackija” type music blaring in the background as the action flies fast and furious. She fights goon #1 for a while, before Scarface runs him over in an attempt to kill Billie. (D’oh!) Now it’s just Scarface and Billie, and the fight moves to the roof. I bet you can see what is going to happen. Yes, the villain dies by falling. The lamest death ever. At least he was punched off by Billie and didn’t fall accidentally like in most of these films. Now that Billie has murdered a man, she’s in the hospital and trying to leave, and is helped by Johnny. That’s the end, folks!

Not much to go on plotwise, but the film delivers what it promises, a woman getting revenge on street toughs, and gives us the violence, nudity, and sex we all crave. This film was a success on that front, which makes it a success in life. All films in this genre should be so lucky.

Rated 7/10 (Phone drugs, WOWZA!, Bear, WOWZA!, Goon-Go Yubari, WOWZA!, Stupid Lawyer)


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Written by Tars Tarkas

Tars Tarkas

Runs this joint!