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Arachnoquake (Review)

Arachnoquake


2012
Written by Paul A. Birkett and Eric Forsberg
Directed by Griff Furst


Prepare to get ARACHNOQUAKED!!! That’s when there is an earthquake, and GIANT FIRE-BREATHING ALBINO SPIDERS attack! It’s two disasters in one, crawling on eight legs and ready to roast and chomp you! Griff Furst directs this SyFy creature feature, and he has a pretty good track record of delivering an entertaining flick. Once again, a Furst knocks it out of the park, giving us some fun monster mayhem. The flaws in the flick are easily overlooked in the face of giant white spider death!

Now, a common theme for monster flicks is that the monsters were always there, just chilling in a closed off area that recently comes exposed thanks to mankind doing something awful like being greedy. SyFy flicks such as Caved In: Prehistoric Terror, Malibu Shark Attack, and Jersey Shore Shark Attack all feature a similar scenario. And so does Arachnoquake. The twist is, the earthquakes exposing the spider den were caused by fracking, the controversial process of injecting pressurized liquid into shale beds in order to extract hydrocarbons (aka oil), which has been blamed for everything from earthquakes to contaminating groundwater and making it flammable. Despite the big hubbub, fracking is barely mentioned in media. And while I don’t think it will lead to giant flame-breathing albino spiders destroying the American south, I do think it sucks.

Arachnoquake is more fun than a barrel of spiders. Parts are high energy, though it will veer off as we enter zones of plot development. The action is focused closer to the ground so we don’t really see the scope of the giant spider menace, but it would appear multiple states are in for a lot of problems. Arachnoquake does a good balance of not taking itself too seriously, but still being serious enough you feel the characters are in danger.

Paul (Bug Hall) – Paul is a drunken slacker who is down on his luck and doesn’t really want to do the bus tour he has to host. Driving the bus turns him into a de facto leader, which gives him a sense of responsibility he didn’t know he had or wanted. They have a guy named Bug Hall in a giant bug movie? Yes, spiders aren’t technically bugs, but then my joke is ruined. Don’t take that away from me!
Katelynn (Tracey Gold) – A science teacher who is just on a tour and didn’t sign up for this giant spider nonsense! But now she must protect her kids. She also needs a new inhaler. Her asthma attack becomes a phantom plotline, coming and going whenever it is convenient.
Charlie Blackwell (Edward Furlong) – The most realistic girls softball coach of all time! I don’t know what happened to Edward Furlong, he looked semi-okay just a year earlier, but now he looks like he is possessed by the ghost of Brad Dourif’s father. He spends most of the film in his own plotline.
Roy (Ethan Phillips) – Paul’s dad, who spends most of the film either yelling at Paul or blaming Paul for everything ever.
Petra (Olivia Hardt) – Paul’s sister, who is eager to help her dad and prove responsible, but besides wearing short shorts she does little after that.
Anabell (Megan Adelle) – Charlie’s daughter who does more to help her mom despite her past issues than her brother.
Spiders (CGI) – White albino spiders that breath fire and live underground in the darkness, until fracking causes them to be released to destroy New Orleans. They don’t have much of a brain.
Queen Spider (CGI) – The boss spider, uses her massive brain to control all the other spiders and likes to cocoon people up for dinner.

Wyvern (Review)

Wyvern


2009
Written by Jason Bourque
Directed by Steven R. Monroe

Do you guys have those pancakes with chocolate chips in them? Mansquito really turned me onto them…

Wyvern is a generic title for a generic movie about a thawed out tiny dragon that terrorizes an isolated town until it’s killed by a stunt from a 1950s teenage rebel movie. If you think this sound generic enough to be a SciFi Channel (aka SyFy) original flick, then you win a gold star!

Director Steven R. Monroe is a SyFy machine, helming flicks such as Sasquatch Mountain, Ogre, Jabberwock, Mongolian Death Worm, and Ice Twisters. Writer Jason Bourque both writes and directs B-grade schlock such as Beyond Loch Ness, Metal Tornado, Dark Storm, and Doomsday Prophecy. So this are experienced hands here.

The most hardcore rock station Alaska has ever seen!

As Wyvern takes place in Alaska and we got two stars of Northern Exposure in the cast (3 if you count the bloody moose head!), so it is fun to pretend this is sort of an epilogue to the series, especially since I was never that into the show and only casually watched it. So let’s enjoy this fanfic version where all the beloved characters are eaten by a dragon! (Excuse me…a wyvern!)

If this happened more often I’d actually watch Ice Truckers!

The big problem with Wyvern is it is a bit too by the numbers. It doesn’t do anything beyond what it is, a simple monster flick. Now, I don’t expect every film I watch to have all sorts of hidden meaning and cool things going on. That’s why I make up crazy things like the Northern Exposure connection. But I do believe with working with what you have, and that wasn’t achieved, and the film is poorer for it. So what could have been exceptional is instead just average. It isn’t bad, it’s even fun. But it was so close to being over the top, and floundered. It makes me sad just thinking about it. So instead of making frowny faces, let’s enjoy us some monster mayhem!!

Jake Suttner (Nick Chinlund) – Just your average trucker getting over the the death of his brother by killing a giant thawed out wyvern to save a tiny town.
Claire (Erin Karpluk) – Owns a cafe and is the love interest, because there are only like three women in this town.
Haas (Barry Corbin) – The richest man in Alaska has now become a hillbilly! We’re through the looking glass here, folks!
Deputy Susie Barnes (Elaine Miles) – Hey, it’s me, that lady from Northern Exposure you recognize sort of and then went on to do little. Does little here.
Vinyl Hampton (Tinsel Korey) – The radio DJ for the local low-watt station that just seems to employ her and no one else. This was her pre-werewolf days, for all you Twilight fans out there.
Farley (Simon Longmore) – Local resident who just wants to grill. He plays checkers by himself, and I don’t mean Nixon’s dog.
Colonel Travis Sherman (Don S. Davis) – TarsTarkas.NET salutes the late, great Don S. Davis, here playing a complete nutter who gets chomped. There seems to be a lot of mental illness in this tiny town.
Chief Dawson (John Shaw) – The chief and the only sensible guy in town. So he’s dead…
Wyvern (CGI) – If you think penguins marched, just wait until you get a load of this guy! Wyvern has come out from the ice to eat and eat and eat like some sort of prehistoric jerk!
How quickly do you think we’re gonna die? Very quickly.

Pegasus vs Chimera and Aladdin and the Death Lamp – SyFy Creature Features!

Pegasus vs Chimera

When do I get to fight Sharktopus???


The Earth is still spinning on its axis, so SyFy is producing more monster flicks! And we got a double-feature on our hands for September 15th. The movie formerly known as The Blood of Pegasus has been renamed Pegasus vs Chimera in proper SyFy fashion, and will be starting off our monster event. John Bradshaw takes a break from directing endless Christmas movies, while Nazneen Contractor, Rae Dawn Chong, and Sebastian Roché star. The only plot synopsis I’ve found is

The magical steed Pegasus goes head to head with the hellish Chimera

So, yeah, CGI bloodbath!!!!! Pegasus vs Chimera starts at 7 (6 central), and is followed by…

Aladdin and the Death Lamp! A film I could find even less information about. Kandyse McClure and Noam Jenkins are listed as starring in it, but I don’t know if they are aware as it isn’t on their IMDB lists yet. What we do know is just:

To save the world, Aladdin must wager everything to get an evil Jinn back into his lamp.

That’s right, the genie in the lamp is a jerk! Can we get Genie vs Ifrit? Maybe someday… Aladdin and the Death Lamp slays its way to your small screen at 9 (8 central)

Be there. Because where else are you going to find killer genie flicks? Kazaam 2?

Aladdin and the Death Lamp

Mister Aladdin, sir, have a wish or two or three! I'm on the job, you big nabob, you ain't never had a friend...

From yearbook ban to SyFy to the slammer

It’s just one of those years for Sydney Spies. First she explodes across the internet when her racy yearbook photo is banned from her high school yearbook, a shot that featured her not wearing much clothing. This lead to lots of media attention. And as she’s an aspiring actress/model, it also lead to a role in the upcoming SyFy channel original feature American Horror House, airing on Halloween! It’s sure to be a smash hit with a title that doesn’t even have a monster name.

But don’t think this story is all happiness and roses and unicorn poo, because Sydney Spies and her mom Denise “Miki” Spies were arrested! There was a party at the Spies place filled with alleged underage drinkers, and when the cops came to break it up, Miki Spies tried to herd some of the underage kids inside the house (other kids ran and jumped over fences!) Then Miki Spies refused to give identification and tried to run from the cops. As providing a place for underage kids to drink is a crime, she got arrested after a brief scuffle. Sydney Spies allegedly tried to block the police from entering the home, and then resisted arrest when they handcuffed her! And she tried to escape from a police car! So she gets thrown in the slammer as well.

Now, we all do dumb things as a kid, but this is an increasingly media-centric world, hiding from dumb things you did as a kid is going to get harder. And the reality tv lifestyle also doesn’t encourage good behavior, because that doesn’t make headlines. Whether Sydney Spies succeeds or fails in her attempt to become a legitimate actress will probably not be affected by her having drinks at 18, but fighting with cops is the sort of thing that might hint you aren’t easy to work with. I hope Sydney Spies does do better, and this is just the last bump on the road of her life’s adventures. But she’ll probably just be on some terrible reality show next year.

Sooo…. be sure to watch American Horror House on SyFy! Where the horror is underage drinking.

via The Durango Herald
Facebook gallery of Sydney Spies photoshoot heresci

Sydney Spies
Sydney Spies Arrested

American Horror House plot:

Sigma Delta Phi is one of the most prestigious sororities located on the East Coast. Home to an international collective of artistic students from the Stendhal University of the Creative and Performing Arts, it’s a sorority steeped in a rich, untainted history. Nonetheless, dark secrets dwell beneath the cracks of Sigma Delta Phi. Some are spoken – rumors of ghosts and other supernatural occurrences. Others are ignored (the mysterious cries residents hear every third Sunday, the odd spectral indentations at the end of the bed and the seemingly ageless sorority house mother). When Joanna, a new student dies under mysterious circumstances, the police rule it as an accident (others blame the ghost). One year later though, the sorority is still reeling from this ghastly blemish on their impeccable record. When freshman Daria arrives at the school and joins the sorority, she’s heard all the rumors of ghosts and wants to prove that it’s all a hoax. What she discovers is that Joanna’s death was actually the result of a Hazing gone wrong (not ghosts – it was a cover-up). The problem is, Joanna is now haunting the sorority and she’s out for revenge on the sorority on the eve of her death on Halloween night one year ago. With the sorority’s annual Halloween bash in full swing, the sister begin to die horrible deaths one after another – it’s up to Daria and her fellow “sister” Sarah to figure out how to put Joanna’s spirit at rest before they end up her final victims. That is, if the grueling hazing ritual they’ve been sucked into doesn’t kill them first.

Darin Scott directs, and Morgan Fairchild also stars!

Upcoming SyFy original movies Boogeyman and Haunted High

SyFy (aka SciFi Channel for us purists!) is continuing the non-stop stream of creature features. Coming August 11th is Boogeyman, where some kids free the Boogeyman and he goes on a killer rampages. Notably, the Boogeyman is depicted as dating from the time of the Book of Genesis. Eddie McClintock plays the sheriff who’s got to bring him down. Emma Samms also stars. No word yet on if the Boogeyman will be as creepy as when he was on the Real Ghostbusters cartoon.

August 25 gives us Haunted High, which sadly is not about ghosts doing pot, but a bunch of kids trapped in a high school being killed by the ghost of an ex-principal. Danny Trejo, Charisma Carpenter and M.C. Gainey star.

via DreadCentral

Boogeyman Real Ghostbusters

Ghosts are afraid of ME!!

Morlocks (Review)

Morlocks


2011
Written by Adam J. Karp and Royal McGraw
“Based” on The Time Machine by H.G. Wells
Directed by Matt Codd

Welcome to Florida!

SciFi Channel (now known as SyFy for years despite that name sucking) goes all H.G. Wells on us again to give us Morlocks, a SciFi Original Movie version of the classic time travel tale, that dumps the entire story in favor of having people trapped in time with crazy killer Morlocks. Though I applaud them taking familiar elements and doing something original with them, the original thing they do is just the same old basic creature feature plot where a team of people are killed off bit by bit until they kill all the monsters. And if you stop to think about it, little that happens makes any sense. But there are a few moments of goofy WTF that will get some praise.

The Budweiser Frogs, 2020 A.D.

Director Matt Codd also helmed the SciFi classic Dragon Dynasty. The keyboard theme blaring out reminds me of the Space Mutiny theme, which is always great.

Sure we’re untextured enough that you can’t tell what we look like, but you can’t see our cool CGI shading until THE FUTURE!

Dr. James Radnor (David Hewlett) – Former time travel project head, who quit his top secret job and wrote a book called Time Travels’s Strife that is pretty much a description of what he did in the top secret lab. No one cares. David Hewlett is also in the SciFi Channel classic Boa vs. Python
Dr. Angela Kelley (Christina Cole) – Angela still works for the secret government project, and is James’s exwife. Figures out what Colonel Wichita is up too, but a bit too late to not get tossed into THE FUTURE!
Colonel Wichita (Robert Picardo) – Military man in charge of the time travel project, his son John has cancer so he goes nuts in pursuit of Morlock DNA in the belief that it will cure his son. The time travel works sort of like Stargate, which is good that Stargate alums Picardo and Hewlett are starring.
Tyrell (???) – Thanks to squashed credits and an awful IMDB page, I have no clue who played Tyrell, one of the main soldiers sent with Radnor into THE FUTURE. Starts out as a stereotype but becomes a full-fledged character kicking Morlock butt.
Vera Cortez (Marem Hassler) – One of the prior team members who was lost in THE FUTURE, she helps Radnor and his team get back to the present. My favorite character.
Dr. Felix Watkins (Jim Fyfe) – Holy crap, Jim Fyfe from Encyclopedia! That show was awesome, Jim Fyfe is awesome, and I hope he pops up in more SyFy films! This time, he’s the rival scientist to Radnor who takes over after he quit, and every time the two are on the screen together they argue argue argue. Which is pretty funny.
Morlocks (CGI) – Green jerks from the future who are almost invincible unless the plot demands they be easily killed by a slight breeze.
Dinobirds (CGI) – For some reason there are dinobirds in THE FUTURE. Why? They never explain why. It makes no damn sense. It’s completely crazy. Just go with it, dudes! Dinobirds! I guess the CG house had an extra model lying around.
The most unreal tournament of them all!