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Cutie Honey

Cutie Honey (Review)

Cutie Honey

aka Kyuutii Hanii

2004
Starring
Eriko Sato as Honey Kisaragi/Cutie Honey
Jun Murakami as Seiji Hayami
Mikako Ichikawa as Natsuko Aki


Based on some Anime I’ve never read or seen, Cutie Honey explodes on the screen with outlandish costumes, outlandish overacting, an overly complicated plot, and female characters who can’t seem to keep clothes on. The film tones down the exploding clothes and keeps Cutie Honey running around in her underwear, which is different from what I’ve heard about the ink-drawn source, but confirming that would make me feel far too creepy, so it shall remain a mystery for now. Cutie Honey tries to keep it’s source in mind, as many scenes and dialogue have the look and sound of just jumping off of a cartoon into reality. Some of the situations make little sense in the realm of the reality presented her, or in the real world, but one just goes with the flow. The film itself if entertaining, and does it’s job of being a mindless popcorn flick full of flashy colors, exploding things, fighting, and pretty girls.

Planet of the Vampires

Planet of the Vampires (Review)

Planet of the Vampires

aka Terrore nello spazio

1965
Starring
Barry Sullivan as Captain Mark Markary
Norma Bengell as Sanya
Ángel Aranda as Wess
Evi Marandi as Tiona
Stelio Candelli as Brad
Franco Andrei as Bert
Fernando Villena as Dr. Karan
Directed by Mario Bava

It’s the future, and man is conquering space! Man is also conquering fashion, and wearing outfits entirely out of leather with gigantic collars. Not just normal giant collars, these collars are popped up, just like those Frat boys you see wandering around town with their polo shirt collars up. If this is the future of fashion, the human race is doomed. The fashion is brought up first and foremost, because this movie has incredible visuals that still hold up forty years later. The visuals inspired countless other science fiction films, some so blatantly you’ll view those classics with a new suspicious look, wondering what other things they ripped off. Director Mario Bava also directed Danger: Diabolik, famous for being the last MST3Ked movie. Now, you’d think Planet of the Vampires would be crawling with vampires. I am afraid I have some bad news for you folks, there are NO vampires in this film. Zero. None, Nada. No Space Vampires, No Salt Vampires, no Turkish Ripoffs of Salt Vampires. We do have aliens, and animated dead bodies controlled by the aliens, so the correct term would be either Planet of the Zombies or Planet of the Ghosts who Possess People. Another correct term would be the episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation named Power Play. I don’t want to say Star Trek ripped this movie off, but with the many other things blatantly stolen from this film, it would be unsurprising that Trek went with the flow.


Art of War

The Art of War (Review)

The Art of War


2000
Starring
Wesley Snipes as Neil Shaw
Anne Archer as Eleanor Hooks
Maury Chaykin as Capella
Marie Matiko as Julia Fang
Michael Biehn as Robert Bly
Donald Sutherland as U.N. Secretary General Douglas Thomas

“Uniting valor as one is the way of command

When I first heard they were adapting Sun Tzu’s The Art of War, I was all “How are they gonna pull that off?” then it turned out that it was just a random action film. Random, except for Wesley Snipes! As Mr. Snipes has said before: “Always bet on black.”

Revelations

Star Wars: Revelations (Review)

Star Wars: Revelations


2005
Starring
Frank Hernandez as Declan
Gina Hernandez as Taryn Anwar
Karen Hammang as Zhanna
Shane Felux as Cade

Available free: Official Site

Star Wars is one of the most popular creations in the history of mankind. As it follows, Star Wars is also one of the most popular subjects for fan filming ever. From the humble beginnings with Hardware Wars, to the magnificent Troops, Star Wars has a rich, wonderful history of fan created cinema to enrich it’s already overflowing tapestry. As the coming of Episode III and the last Star Wars film ever (for now) approaches, let us go over a recent fan release, what is one of the most ambitious fan projects to date. Set between Episodes III and IV, this project is rich with well done effects, elaborate costuming, and a budget of unimaginable proportions for a non-profit fan project. Does it all come together? Or will this end in tears, horror, and Chewbacca ripping of arms? Let’s find out.

Intimate COnfessions of a chinese courtesan

Intimate Confessions of a Chinese Courtesan (Review)

Intimate Confessions of a Chinese Courtesan

aka Ai Nu

1972
Starring
Lily Ho Li-Li as Ai Nu
Betty Pei Ti as Lady Chun
Yueh Hua as Chief Constable Ji De
Tung Lam as Bao Hu
Directed by Chor Yuen

What is an admitted inspiration to the classic Asian trash film Naked Killer is a keen Shaw Brother’s epic, which is not your typical kung fu epic. This film has women empowered, killing men who have wronged them, a classic revenge flick. As I eat this stuff up, this is a perfect movie for me. It’s sprinkled with great fights, and plenty of naked women. There is even the lesbian theme pushed in, and the body count is piled to the ceiling and above. Since this inspired Naked Killer, which inspired Naked Weapon, we also get a living example of the theory that the third generation of dynasties ruin everything. The thought that such good movies inspired such garbage would be mind-boggling, except Hollywood does the same thing at least once a month with the latest “re-imagining” of classic movies or TV shows. Luckily, this is the generation one of the sexy killer lesbian kung fu movies, and it’s all good as gold!

Boa vs Python

Boa vs. Python (Review)

Boa vs. Python


2004
Starring
David Hewlett as Emmett
Jaime Bergman as Monica Bond
Kirk B.R. Woller as Agent Sharpe
Adam Kendrick as Broddick
Angel Boris as Eve
Jeff Rank as Kent Humphries

The undisputed KING of made for Sci-Fi Channel movies. Combiner of franchises, giver of the ultimate battle no one was craving, Boa vs. Python is the answer to everyone’s prayers. No mention is made of the Boa franchise, but the Python movies get a quick mention. That is all we need, this stands alone. For what it is, it delivers the goods, we have giant monsters running amok, a cast of dispensable “cool” characters hunting it and becoming cannon fodder, nudity, and a hot babe scientist (combined with a dorky guy) who help to save the day. These giant snake movies all seem to take place in some alternate universe where giant snakes are 50 feet long, four feet around, and movie with lightning fast speed. Not only are these movies guilty, the older Anaconda does the same thing. In real life, a Boa vs. Python battle would probably just have the snakes sitting there doing nothing. That’s all they do in the zoo. Big snakes are boring. Fantasy big snakes are ultimate killing machines.