Posts tagged "witchcraft"

Legend Of The White Snake (Review)

Legend Of The White Snake


196?
Directed by ???

When I first got this, I thought by the name Legend Of The White Snake that it was a Thai take on the Madam White Snake story. Boy, was that wrong! Instead, it is just your run of the mill movie where an evil snake witch invades some baby girl’s body and evil stuff happens years later when everyone is grown up. And there are a few random dances and scares, but this is hardly a fun movie, it is more of a movie you have on in the background while doing other stuff and then you pay attention when the few weird things happen. Or you just look at the clips here, read the synopsis, and never have to worry about tracking down this film ever. Because you won’t, unless you are a Thai snake girl film completeist, in which case I can’t help you unless I charge an hourly rate.

There is absolutely zero information about this film online except for a single place to order the VCD from. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. So if TarsTarkas.NET did not bite the bullet and review this stupid thing, there would be no record that it ever existed. And who would want that? We must record even the boring examples of ridiculous films, because, the world becomes a less magical place if they aren’t here. It is just like when rare animals disappear. It doesn’t affect you personally if the white rhinos go bye-bye, but it is a bad thing to know that something once was there and now it is not. And even if no one knew about this movie before, now you do and you are better for it, despite the film’s little entertainment value.

The score is stolen from various sources including Halloween. There is a secondary track the director must have loved because it plays like 30 times, but I don’t recognize where it is from despite it sounding familiar.

We don’t got names so we got guesses. Okay, I figured out the names of a few of them as they got their named mentioned in subtitles. The rest are complete guesses, and for no one do I know who played them. I was told that the following actors are in the film: Mechai Panchar, Picharak, and Chokiwa Luck. I have no clue who any of them are, and Google finds nothing (though Picharak is a planet in the Rebel Squadrons Wiki.)

UPDATE – After chatting about this film with Todd from 4DK (what, you don’t talk about weird Thai films with your friends?) we’ve determined that this film was actually made in the 1960s instead of the 1980s, as the guy playing Kroo Prakit is probably Mitr Chaibancha, who died in 1970 because man was not meant to hang from helicopters. Thus, Mechai Panchar = Mitr Chaibancha. Picharak = Petchara Chaowarat, who plays Van Far. Chokiwa Luck is still unknown, but he’s probably the guy who came up with Thailand’s many, many translation schemes that make doing research in English agonizingly frustrating! If I ever get off my lazy butt Mitr Chaibancha will be back when I watch the Red Eagle movies I have of his.

Van Far (Petchara Chaowarat) – The elder daughter of the family that adopts Poon Rue and the good, heroic woman who must fight her now evil sister for the man she loves. Her name is close enough to the Vulcan Pon Farr that it deserves to be mentioned.
Poon Rue (???) – A baby adopted by a family that was secretly possessed by an evil White Snake Witch who waits 20 years until she gets around to going all White Snake Witch crazy, which results in deaths, dancing, seduction, and people wandering around dark caves. The last thing is what is truly frightening, because watching people wander around dark caves is boring enough that it could kill you.
Kroo Prakit (Mitr Chaibancha) – The Handsome Investigator who comes to town to investigate why everyone is dropping dead. Becomes romantically involved with Van Far, but Poon Rue gets all jealous and tries to steal him away. Is Kroo short for Kangaroo? Well, it is now!
Old Investigator (???) – The older partner of Kroo Prakit doesn’t rate a name or a love interest, but he does rate a lot of screen time for a guy who doesn’t do much by himself.
Comic Relief Guy (???) – He’s funny! Maybe. Okay, not really. He sucks. Maybe he’s funny if you are Thai and thirty years older than I am. Maybe. Comic Relief Guy is the guide, I think.
Cemetery Guy (???) – Cemetery Guy is an undertaker, but not a pro wrestler. Cemetery Guy and Comic Relief Guy are like R2D2 and C3PO, just bumbling around while the heroes and villains do their thing. And I think a lightsaber shoots out of Cemetery Guy’s butt at one point…
Old Snake Lady (???) – The white snake sorceress’s true appearance. Imagine waking up next to that! The Cryptkeeper should be so lucky!


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Posted by Tars Tarkas - March 6, 2010 at 11:57 pm

Categories: Movie Reviews, Ugly   Tags: , , , , ,

Bewitched Housewives (Review)

Bewitched Housewives


2007
Directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Medina)

Bewitched Housewives is a take off of Bewitched except as a softcore flick. As a Bewitched movie came out around the same time, that may have been the inspiration for the script getting made. This is not the only Retromedia take off of old TV shows as erotic entertainment, Erotic Genie being another example. I would rather these old shows get made as parody softcore flicks instead of terrible big budget films that bomb at the box office.

The TV series Bewitched actually spawned three Turkish movies, one of which was Tatli Cadi (The Sweet Sorceress), and it was followed by the sequel Tatli Cadi’nin Maceralari (The Adventures of the Sweet Sorceress). Minik Cadi (The Cute Witch) turned the main star into a little girl and went cute, in contrast to the Sweet Sorceress films which tended to emphasize women in skimpy clothes. I am sure we are all familiar with the remake with Will Ferrell and Nicole Kidman, so let’s leave well enough alone.

As we’ve done a whole bunch of these Fred Olen Ray bikini films, I’ll just list them all here instead of over and over again in the Roll Call: Super Ninja Doll, Bikini Girls from the Lost Planet, Girl with the Sex-Ray Eyes, Tarzeena: Jiggle in the Jungle, Ghost in a Teeny Bikini, Voodoo Dollz: Lust Potion #9, and Bikini Airways. Yes, more will be on here soon!

Mary Corwin (Beverly Lynne) – A fan of big, throbbing vegatables, Mary Corwin is whisked away from certain death at the hands of witch hunters to modern day LA where she has a husband, friends, and corporate espionage intrigue… Beverly Lynne is a pretty big star in these Skinimax softcore films, but those of you who got here by Googling her name already know that.
Angelique (Nicole Sheridan) – Angelique is a member of the Sisterhood of Witches and spends her time rescuing persecuted witches back in time and taking them to modern times. Nicole Sheridan is in almost every Bikini movie made this decade, also stars in adult films, and runs her own website. Plus she’s married to Voodoo. Check out her wonderfully titled films If the Balls Fit, Suck ‘Em!, The Adventures of O-Girl Trapped in Time, and Eruptions: Pink’s My Favorite Color.
Derek Simmons (Brad Bartram) – Ad agency man who becomes the set up husband for rescued witch Mary Corwin. Brad Bartram has a large contingent of fans of the search engine referrals are to be believed.
Barry (Voodoo as Alexandre Boisvert) – Barry is Derek’s coworker, and is jealous because Derek comes up with all the cool ideas. Martin’s plan is to steal Derek’s latest idea, which would have worked had Derek bothered to write any of it down (which must make powerpoint presentations interesting!) Barry is played by Alexandre Boisvert, who continues his policy of making goofy faces and being hilarious.
Linda (Rebecca Love) – Barry’s girl and his point woman for Operation Steal Derek’s Ideas. Spends most of her time rummaging though underwear drawers and having sex with Derek to cover her tracks. Adult actress Rebecca Love is also featured in the finely titled films Camp Cuddly Pines Powertool Massacre, When Things Get Rough She Gets Filthy, and Itty Bitty Cheerleaders vs. the Big Boob Squad 2.
Martin (Evan Stone) – Martin is Angelique’s wife, and is one of the few roles where Evan Stone plays a more subdued, normal guy. He can’t always be in elevator shoes with goggles and giant gloves and named Kronkor.
Brother Hopkins (Ted Newsom) – A Witch Hunter who tracks down those who would dare use magic, even though one of his tools looks to be magic. Not adverse to traveling to the future to track down his prey. Occasionally yields to temptation.
Mr. Beatty (Don Donaldson) – Derek’s boss at the ad agency. Don Donaldson is barely in this movie, but has larger roles in a few of the other films.
Jailer (Eric Spudic) – The Jailer shows up at the end to assign Brother Hopkins (now Sister Hopkins) his (her) fate. Eric Spudic was also in The Ghost in the Teeny Bikini. If you are in Van Nuys, visit Spudic’s Movie Empire!


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Posted by Tars Tarkas - May 6, 2009 at 9:44 pm

Categories: Movie Reviews, Ugly   Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,