Erotic Karma (Review)
Erotic Karma
2013
Written by Tina Hawthorne
Directed by Austin Brooks
Your Erotic Karma ran over my erotic dogma! Just kidding! No dog gets ran over, just some jerky human being! But he then goes on a body possessing spree, so maybe he deserved it. Erotic Karma is a title that seems to have little to do with the actual plot, except maybe the vague notion of New Age philosophies that the whole soul transferring plot device may be borrowed from. But it is also similar to just random ghost stories, so who really knows? In any event, the supernatural aspect caught me a bit off guard, because Mainline Releasing is generally more grounded in reality with their plots. It was an interesting change of pace for them, but doesn’t seem to be a genre they return to with any frequency.
Erotic Karma is written by Tina Hawthorne, the possibly real person who has written a bunch of Mainline films including Obsession, Hidden Treasures, Sex Tapes, Dark Secrets, Birthday Sex, Sexy Assassins, and Naughty Reunion. Her scripts usually don’t follow the standard softcore movie plots, and even have characters discuss things like their feelings, stuff that you just don’t find in softcore movies, and there is some of that going on here as well. The story here could easily be a horror movie topic, and is basically the plot to Fallen except instead of a demon skipping bodies, it is some horny jerk. Horny jerks are the worst jerks, especially when their name rhymes with the work “jerk”, so expect a lot of jerking.
The body changing does allow several characters to flex their acting muscles, including one side character of the type that usually shows up for a one-and-done sex scene. That was probably my favorite part of the film, the various characters suddenly acting like Southern jerk.
One thing not really addressed is the same problem I have with these films whenever people are possessed by ghosts or aliens and then begin having lots of sex, which is the fact all the sex scenes become rape scenes. Not to be a killjoy, but those scenes are a killjoy to my entertainment, so maybe I do mean to be a killjoy. Maybe I do. Three people are possessed in the course of the film, their bodies used by the notorious Professor Dirk Jordan to satisfy his supernatural urges. And also to order people to get him a beer. So few films have the evil villain include people bringing him beer as part of their master plan that it was hilarious.
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Categories: Movie Reviews, Ugly Tags: Austin Brooks, India Summer, Kevin Patrick, Kiara Diane, Mainline Releasing, Paul Case, Rocco Reed, softcore, Tiffany Tyler, Tina Hawthorne
Obsession (Review)
Obsession
2013
Written by Tina Hawthorne
Directed by Kent Sawyer
Possibility. Possibility.
Mainline Releasing Group (aka MRG Entertainment) gives us a softcore take on 50 Shades of Grey in what might be a preview of the style of the film version of same that will hit theaters in 2014. A super rich arrogant guy suddenly is extremely attracted to a freelance writer who did an interview with him and called him out on his crap. As no one has ever done that to Mr. Rich Guy, you can say he had an…..Obsession!
Because that’s the title, yo!
Obsession is at its best when its dissecting what a woman wants in a relationship, and at its worst when things are happening. Kiara Diane just wasn’t up to task to handle some of the emotional scenes, while Jason Sarcinelli is playing the same evil dick character we’ve seen a few times in Mainline Releasing films. He really only breaks out of that mold in his last scene, too bad it took so long to get there. I was totally not surprised to see this was a Tina Hawthorne script. Beyond her being the only writer for MRG, she’s also producing scripts that deal a lot with relationships and how people interact within them in addition to the required sex scenes. Needless to say, I’m a fan, even if she’s hit or miss.
As the Sophie Hammond character is already dating a guy who is a jerk, when she meets hyperjerk Max Berens it is on like Donkey Kong, if Donkey Kong was a softcore movie (probably called Donkey Dong, at least until Nintendo’s army of lawyers drowned everyone involved in cease and desists!)
No one interrupts me when I’m playing Candy Crush Saga!
Obsession features another person with a million dollar home while she’s just a freelancer and her boyfriend is a college student who doesn’t even pay his own tuition. I know a lot of writers due to writing my own site for so long, and none of them could afford anything close to that without something else going on. It also lessons the supposed wealth of Max Berens when Sophie’s expensive house looks more fancy than the billionaire’s office. And as Max seems less wealthy, his supposed power and influence go down, decreasing his charm and making him just seem more like a jerk.
So I was all like “Who needs an $80,000 job when I can play X-Box for free!”
Then I wondered why I thought he seemed less appealing because he seemed to have less money. Was I willing to give him excuses on being a jerk if he had a fat wad of cash? And if so, am I no better than women/men who date people for wealth? Why is it that rich idiots like our current crop of pop stars can waste tons of money and run around like idiots with no consequence, while the masses never get a break? Wealth just provides so much freedom in society it is obscene. It’s even permeated the subconscious mind, rich people can get away with whatever they want and you just assume it will be so, but the excuses you give to them do not transfer to someone who seems less than wealthy. I’m not saying we should kill the rich and tear down the system to reboot the planet. I’m sure there are one or two rich people who aren’t terrible. But Obession plays on this lifestyle of wealth with Max Berens’ character, while at the same time exposing its fraud by not emphasizing the wealth like it should. In that regards, Obsession fails as a film, and succeeds only in being a delivery method for naked chicks on late night Cinemax. On that hand, Obsession delivers!
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Well, more pizza for me then!
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Categories: Movie Reviews, Ugly Tags: Jason Sarcinelli, Kent Sawyer, Kiara Diane, Mainline Releasing, Michelle Lay, Rocco Reed, softcore, Tasha Reign, Tina Hawthorne
Hidden Treasures (Review)
Hidden Treasures
2013
Written by Tina Hawthorne
Directed by David Ashton
Call me Poison Ivy because I basically am Poison Ivy.
Hidden Treasures is an interesting film, because the lead woman Elizabeth is manipulative over her former roommates/lovers, who eagerly go along with whatever weird junk she’s selling. They then drag their girlfriends into the mess, and commit a million sins that would end any relationship immediately. You have to take some of the scenes with a huge iceberg-sized grain of salt that anyone would go along with the shenanigans.
Initial premise aside, Hidden Treasures is an interesting “erotic thriller”, I use thriller because it’s not really any other category. We know Elizabeth is manipulative, but we don’t know how much, or if she’s even the most guilty party.
I’m just gonna dig some shallow graves, nothing suspicious or anything!
Someone does know something about plants (I haven’t determined if Tina Hawthorne is the real name of the writer of the bulk of Mainline Releasing’s films), because in addition to some of the lingo straight out of wikipedia is some actual plant knowledge. Maybe it’s just watching this film while in the middle of reading a book that also has a character who mentions plants by their scientific names all the time (the book is Caliban’s War by James S.A. Corey), but I don’t really do that. But again, I can barely remember the common names for the different heirloom plants I have growing in my garden without saving the seed packets. It’s probably easier when you have someone you can talk plant shop with, but my wife and I are the only people we know who garden.
Sadie Katz’s character Cat is the plant enthusiast here, while Elizabeth Pierce’s father made his fortune in alternative medicine herbal plants and has a lush garden (tended by hunky gardener Jackson, who also knows a lot about plants.) Plants play into the plot with the characters continually talking about them. But there is also a bunch of missing jewels that Elizabeth’s late father somewhere on the property, which is the excuse she uses to bring in her old sex pals Mason and Chris. Judging by what happens next, its as if the characters are convinced the jewels are hidden on one of their bodies, because they keep getting naked and exploring around each other.
Look, buddy, the title is a metaphor about relationships in addition to referring to the stashed away jewels!
It’s hard to break down Hidden Treasures because you have to believe that Cat and Rachel would put up with their idiot boyfriends dropping everything to go help out an old hot friend who they probably had lots of sex with. And neither girl is too pleased, Rachel is openly hostile, while Cat attempts to be positive but runs into interference from everyone, including her boyfriend Mason, but not Jackson. Hmmm…. But basically the lesson is don’t be a manipulative horror and don’t be manipulated by said horror.
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How could you take me to a house with a warped funhouse mirror??? Mom was right about you!
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Categories: Movie Reviews, Ugly Tags: Alyssa Branch, Chad White, David Ashton, David Page, Mainline Releasing, Michelle Maylene, Ryan McLane, Sadie Katz, Seth Gamble, softcore, Tina Hawthorne
Sex Tapes
Sex Tapes
2012
Written by Tina Hawthorne
Directed by Eric Lacey
Videos of me? Having sex? On the internet???
Open relationship couples boning left and right while documenting every frame get into trouble when the tapes go missing and the accusations fly. Mainline Releasing drops another Cinemax softcore flick with Sex Tapes, a provocative title while the actual plot is far more dramatic than sensational.
Sex Tapes is another Tina Hawthorne script (who has by far become my favorite softcore script writer, even her wide misses are interesting!), you can expect a lot of talking and relationship issues to come to the surface. As characters stress over the missing sex tapes and their own relationship issues, the arguments get personal and circular, so a lot of the recap portion is just summarizing the arguments. But much of the talking feels real, like you would overhear at a coffeeshop while couples are arguing. Unfortunately, it sometimes feels a bit too real, while other sections are a bit too staged. This all combines with a lack of resolution that makes Sex Tapes disappointing, but an interesting disappointing.
My Sex Tape themed microbrew will bring the beer blogging community to its knees!
Sam and Lisa seem to have the perfect open relationship, they love each other and have gobs of money and are ringleaders and hosts to the other swinging couples. But things aren’t what they seem. Sam is in a secret affair with Alexis, a violation of the trust rules. Lisa suspects something is going on, but doesn’t have proof. Sam is very controlling, his video documentation of all the sex action is part of his need to be in charge of everything, including recording and editing things to perfection. It’s also why he feels he can cheat on Lisa, because Sam can do whatever he wants to do.
Carrie and Tyler argue constantly and have clear trust issues, which is odd because they’re also in open relationship which requires trust. But their fights never last long and always end in them making up. There is also a hint of Carrie having poor self image, which might explain some of the problems. Tyler is more sedentary, spending long portions of the film just sitting on the couch. His passiveness seems like it would cause Tyler to get upset about his lack of action, but that isn’t even discussed.
Alexis and Brent have the most damaged relationship in that their goals are completely opposite. Brent is becoming more important in his law firm and realizes the days of having sex on camera needs to stop. Alexis has no intentions of stopping, nor of stopping her affair with Sam. Brent is unaware of the affair, and seemingly unaware that Alexis has even had sex with anyone else, describing their participation as just watching others have sex while they as a couple have sex. Brent is no saint, he does cheat on Alexis before he has confirmation that she is cheating on him. But the fact his wife disappears for long periods with Sam should be a tip off even the blindest man would get.
With these three couples, the damage is already there, and when tapes go missing and all the secrets and lies get exposed in the open, it is not a pretty sight. Good thing there are Sex Tapes that recorded everything!
These sex tapes are BETA!
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Virgin Vaginas lives!
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Dark Secrets
Dark Secrets
2013
Written by Tina Hawthorne
Directed by David Barber
That’s not how you tell secrets!
Relationships relationships relationships. And also hot sex. Mainline Releasing drops another cool script from Tina Hawthorne that takes another softcore film on a deep introspective journey to look at the relationships of the people who are its subjects. The dissection is so complete that a major character is a group couples therapist, who helps the various pairings with their issues. Some things can be dealt with, and some relationships aren’t worth saving.
Be warned, audience, Dark Secrets might actually make you think for a bit! Sure, it’s got naked people being nude with each other, but also people talk and learn give and takes of relationships. Thus becoming stronger as they learn to work with each other. Sure, a few of the compromises get simplified to just boning each other, but there is a quota of sex scenes we need to fill here, people!
Two relationships have problems in that both members each have their own little things that need to get ironed out. So the therapy session helps because they have a chance to discuss it, instead of just getting angry and exploding at each other. The group couples therapy would seem to be advantageous because you can see similarities to facets of your own relationship when you hear others talk about theirs. But you might also learn things you don’t really want to know about your friends, so I don’t suggest jumping right into group couples therapy with all your friends. And every group has that one friend’s significant other that everyone hates. Yes, he’s in this film as well.
I hate this painting. HATE!!
David doesn’t quite fit in with the rest of the group because he’s said to be older and doesn’t really care for Marisa’s going to school or doing much of anything except living off of him. David always seems to have the right line to compliment all the other girls, but rarely bothers to connect with Marisa. It is apparent to everyone that Marisa is on her last legs in that relationship, fed up with David’s crap and attempts to control things. David ticks off the other guys at therapy with his empty platitudes, coming out at a disadvantage while Marisa becomes more empowered by the sessions. It’s clear that being around other people helps give Marisa confidence, something David isn’t too keen on, as confidence means she won’t be doing what he says. David’s personality is more complicated at first, but by the end of the film he becomes cartoonishly evil. A switch goes off once Marisa becomes free, and David can’t handle it, can’t handle the being out of control. The Dark Secret of David is he’s a violent sociopath!
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How dare you criticize my Naruto/Pokemon slash fic!
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Categories: Movie Reviews, Ugly Tags: Billy Chappell, David Barber, Heather Vahn, Jayden Cole, Kelli McCarty, Mainline Releasing, Michael Vegas, Richard Lounello, softcore, Tina Hawthorne, Victoria White
Birthday Sex
Birthday Sex
2012
Written by Tina Hawthorne
Directed by Austin Brooks
The best birthday ever!
Birthday Sex! We all know the song, we all jam it up on the radio, we all sang it ironically on our birthdays and then moved on to some other song. And now, Birthday Sex is also a softcore flick from our friends at Mainline Releasing, your home for movies that often have more to say than what they appear.
It’s Mia’s 25th birthday! Which is cool because she gets a parade of birthday presents that suddenly become terrible presents and her whole outlook on life changes and this birthday becomes the worst birthday ever that’s also the best birthday ever in the long run. Mia’s 25th is time for her to hit a crossroads, where much is made about how she suddenly wants to grow up and be responsible and boring, while her current boyfriend Tyler just wants to live life and party. Now, I’m not going to get into a big discussion about when it is okay to settle down and when you should still be up all night to the sun for good fun, because each person has their own journey in life. 25 is enough time to have had fun, and to be aware of yourself enough to know what you want in life, though that is far from a requirement at that age (and Lord knows I had no clue and am still winging it years later!)
GRRRR!! No one mocks my green earthenware tea set that matches my jacket and green apple paintings!
Obviously, Mia took the Jimmy Eat World line from Praise Chorus seriously, that “even at 25, you gotta start sometime” One wonders if she though no one liked her at age 23 when she was amused by tv shows. One interesting aspect that may be a coincidence or may be on purpose, is that the actress playing Mia has a butterfly tattoo, and later you see butterfly posters on the wall. Symbolically, the butterfly is the mature form, released from the cocoon, while Mia’s journey sees her growing up and becoming the mature form of Mia. She leaves behind her caterpillar boyfriend Tyler to go hang with the fellow butterflies and the flowers.
Packed in this crisis of lifestyle choices are Mia’s two friends, the party girl Kristen (who is crushing on Tyler) and the bitter Sara (who hates all men because she was dumped once!) Never fear, a love interest surfaces in nice guy Simon, but will he and Mia get together, or will all these roommates and different goals and hormones get in the way of a love of the ages. Birthday Sex, surprisingly romantic despite the raunchy title and late night Cinemax air dates.
Tina Hawthorne is rapidly becoming my favorite softcore film writer, to the point where I’m now seeking out some of her films. I don’t know if she’s a real person or just a pen name, but the writing is good, nevertheless. (she also wrote Naughty Reunion, which dealt a lot with the relationships between the various high school stereotypes.) Director Austin Brooks also helmed Sexual Quest, which was another film more about relationships in a marriage than the actual sex, which there was a lot of.
The “I Kicked That Guy Out and Now Feel Guilty Pose” is only for advanced yoga enthusiasts.
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Extra whip? You pervert!
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Categories: Movie Reviews, Ugly Tags: Alan Stafford, Amber Rayne, Austin Brooks, Brandon Ruckdashel, Kenneth Blake, Mainline Releasing, Misty Anderson, Ryan Driller, Sadie Katz, softcore, Tanya Tate, Tina Hawthorne
