Posts tagged "The Internet will kill you"

Status: Unknown is a Lifetime mystery!

Status Unknown Brea Grant

Stop poking me on Facebook, jerk!


Lifetime’s promotion of their original movies is so good, I almost missed this one! With barely any mention on their site, February 22nd will be the premiere of the latest movie about how the internet is dangerous and you should never trust anything on it, Status: Unknown! Status: Unknown will teach you that whenever anyone you care about has weird status updates, that’s because they’ve been murdered and someone is pretending to be them. It’s true, it’s so true…

Despite Lifetime treating Status: Unknown worse than the murderous husband treats his wife in Status: Unknown (at least he updates her status!), TarsTarkas.NET is here to give you the goods. Status: Unknown stars Stacey Oristano, Stephen Colletti, Brea Grant(!), and site favorite Griff Furst. Here is a synopsis from the page that is linked with no image down near the bottom on Lifetime’s movie page:

After a lively high school reunion, Jessica and Cynthia reconnect with their childhood friend Karen and vow to stay in close communication online. After a year of cheerful daily status updates, Karen begins to post some strange updates to her life. When Jessica tries to call Karen to let her know that she and Cynthia will be in town for the week she is unable to reach her. Sensing something may be seriously wrong, Jessica tracks down Karen’s husband Paul to find out where her friend is. Paul tells her that Karen ran off to Hawaii due to marriage issues but Jessica is convinced he is lying. But when random status posts begin showing up on Karen’s page, Jessica suspects that someone else might be behind it…

Sounds like you might want to see a trailer? Too bad! This enigma will have to wait until it airs for us to know whether to hit Like or to just logout and stick to Twitter.

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Posted by Tars Tarkas - February 15, 2014 at 11:35 pm

Categories: Movie News   Tags: , , , , , , ,

The Girl He Met Online is more internet danger tales from Lifetime!

The Girl he Met Online Lifetime

The dangers of meeting women online include spraypaint!


People on Lifetime need to stop meeting people online, because The Girl He Met Online is like the fourth “Met Online” movie where horrible horrible things happen. Instead of OKCupid, they get NO-KCupid! Just last year we got The Husband She Met Online, and before that was The Boy She Met Online and The Wife He Met Online. This is a franchise no one knew about, but everyone needs to know about. Stay away from the online!

Sexy 23-year-old Gillian has no trouble attracting men, but her bipolar moods scare them off. Once dumped, her anger knows no bounds. She’s on better behavior with man-of-her-dreams Andy, until her boss and mother push her into a corner and Andy’s sister dies as a result. The only question now is whether Andy himself will fall prey to the girl he met online.

Will she get him, with her online anger? Let’s hope so, because online rage in movie form can only be awesome. Lifetime continues their reign as the only major original television movie source still standing, and films like these will keep it a source of entertainment for years to come!

The Girl He Met Online stars Yvonne Zima, Mary-Margaret Humes, and Shawn Roberts, and premieres February 8th on Lifetime.

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Posted by Tars Tarkas - January 31, 2014 at 1:00 pm

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cyberbu//y (Review)

cyberbu//y

aka Cyberbully

2011
Directed by Charles Binamé
Written by Teena Booth

cyberbully
Nothing can ever go wrong now that I have a computer!

cyberbu//y is an ABC Family original movie presentation designed to teach America about the dangers of cyberbullying. It’s also the most hilarious movie about the internet since Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life. There are so many goofy things going on it is hard to keep track. But we will try, because we are TarsTarkas.NET – cyberbullies!

cyberbully
When Goatse strikes…

Join us as we watch a teenage girl’s life be destroyed by the internet! Keep in mind teenage girls get their lives destroyed all the time, usually due to Jennifer being a bitch. Damn you, Jennifer! Why you gotta be a bitch all the time? Don’t be talking to Justin in math class!

cyberbully
Oh my god Becky look at her butt. Her butt is so big that she needs 2 cars. One for her…and one for her butt.

Can Linsay’s fragile mind handle the harsh social complexities that is the modern internet? Or will she be destroyed, body, mind, and soul, snuffed out like a candle in the wind. The internet wind.

cyberbully
And thou shalt eat the fruit of thine own body, the flesh of thy sons and of thy daughters, which the LORD thy God hath given thee, in the siege, and in the straightness, wherewith thine enemies shall distress thee.

Taylor Hillridge (Emily Osment) – This Taylor’s not so swift. Your average girl with an internet connection, except Taylor takes everything so serious that even the slightest deviation can cause tears to flow like monsoon rain. Can Taylor stand up to the cyberbullies? Or will she be cyberdefeated?
Samantha Caldone (Kay Panabaker) – Taylor’s best friend and the embittered former partner of a jock, who loved and left her, causing Samantha to freak out at the slightest mention of jocks. Then Samantha goes even more crazy. So we got a Taylor and a Samantha, and there is an evil girl at school named Lindsay. Lindsay Lohan used to date a Samantha, and if we pretend Taylor is Taylor Swift, this all begins to make sense. Now…who is Kanye West in this scenario?
Kris Hillridge (Kelly Rowan) – Taylor’s mom who is totally channeling Judith Light. But she’s no Angela. Mom spends most of the film being unaware of anything, then the last thirty minutes overcompensating by becoming the most productive mom ever. Even then, she only wins by luck.
Scott Ozsik (Jon McLaren) – Scott is the cute jock who has eyes for Taylor, causing Samantha to go nuts with rage. For once, the jock is not a bad guy. That much. Until he goes to college and joins to Alpha Betas and goes up against the Tri-Lams!
Cheyenne Mortenson (Meaghan Rath) – Taylor’s black friend because we needed to throw in some diversity. Bails the second Taylor becomes a liability. There is no famous Cheyenne to go with my Lohan/Swift/Sam theory, unless you count Cheyenne Kimball, who I have never heard of. So let’s pretend her name is Kardashian
James Petitious (iStock Photo) – He’s so real, a guy who cares about girls feelings and reads the poetry that girls put up on their pages. There are so many signs this guy is fake he should be named James McFakefake. My vote for Kanye West.
cyberbully
The Internet…made me….Avril Lavigne!

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Posted by Tars Tarkas - September 16, 2011 at 12:17 am

Categories: Movie Reviews, Ugly   Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Wargames 2: The Dead Code (Review)

Wargames 2: The Dead Code


2008
Directed by Stuart Gillard

It’s War Games 2: The Dead Code, the latest DTV sequel of a movie that last hit theaters when most video renters were still in diapers. Thanks to the magic of constant reruns on TNT, USA, and HBO, everyone who is anyone has seen the original War Games over a billion times. Everyone learns that the only winning move is not to play, than Matthew Broderick changes his grades via computer, and that all programmers leave back doors. Now, War Games has been updated for the new millennium, with a girl computer, modern kids, and the War on Terror so in your face you won’t be able to sneeze. Join us as we encounter War Games 2: The Dead Code, and find out if your childhood has been raped, or merely felt up by your crazy uncle!

As we all know, the Dead Code is up up down down left right left right…no, wait, that’s the 40 lives code. The Dead Code is something new, and we’ll have to watch the film to get. Dammit! Our characters for this radio drama include:

Will Farmer (Matt Lanter) – Our main character whose name sounds super generic. Has a sick, chemical genius mom and a dead father. A compute whiz and hacker/phreaker. Able to seduce chess babes with but a single glance. Evades government security like he’s bin Laden.
Annie (Amanda Walsh) – A girl in chess club who becomes Will Farmer’s lover interest because she is a computer hacking pro. Excuse me while I don’t believe a word of that. Anyway, by the end of the film they are on their way to hacking each other’s naughty bits, and maybe Will will be lucky and find her backdoor password.
Dennis Nichols (Nicolas Wright) – Friend of Will Farmer, master of Stargate MMORPG, trash talker, hanger out in basements, and standard sidekick character.
Bill Carter (Chuck Shamata) – Head tech guy for the RIPLEY project, worried RIPLEY may have gone too far. Another old school hacker.
Kenneth Hassert (Colm Feore) – Horn-Rimmed Glasses. Arrogant guy in charge of the RIPLEY project. Spends most of the film being a jerk and talking down to generals and admirals he is supposed to be impressing for funding. Then suddenly becomes competent in the final section. Colm Feore was President Richard Adar on Battlestar Galactica, which means he should have experience with crazy machines armed with nuclear bombs. All this has happened before and will happen again.
Old Guy (Gary Reineke) – He is just an old guy, nothing to see here…
RIPLEY (Claudia Black)- The new computer is a girl. It is also crazier, more dangerous, and more intelligent. So, yeah, a girl. What does R.I.P.L.E.Y. stand for? Who cares, the film sure doesn’t care enough to tell us! The film used the Aliens and Talented Mr. Ripley jokes, so we will run the “Believe it or not!” joke down your throat until you beg for mercy.

So let’s get rockin’! In Afghanistan (home of Afghan blankets), the director is getting all stylish as jeeps jumping over dunes in slow-motion. The jeeps are driven by a bunch of Eurotrash gangsters and hookers meeting other Eurotrash gangsters who desire hookers, all of which are supposed to be the Taliban or something. They get bombed dead by an unmanned Predator drone. Shock and awe, indeed. If you take a close look at the missiles carried by the unmanned Predator drone, you will see it says “Inert”. I’ve never seen inert explosives explode so large before! We find out the bombing was ordered by RIPLEY, a girl computer! Believe it or not! Computers can’t be girls, so I choose not to believe.


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Posted by Tars Tarkas - July 25, 2008 at 3:35 pm

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The Net 2.0 (Review)

The Net 2.0


2006
Starring
Nikki Deloach as Hope Cassidy
Sebnem Dönmez as Roxelana
Demet Akbag as Dr. Kavak
Keegan Connor Tracy as Z.Z. Jackson
Neil Hopkins as James Haven
Güven Kirac as Osman
Directed by Charles Winkler

A rehash in the hashiest sense, The Net 2.0 is not only an inferior photocopy of the previous film’s plot, it ramps up the clichés to an exponential factor in reverse proportion to its shrinking in scope. In place of Sandra Bullock, we have Mickey Mouse Club alum Nikki Deloach (who went from a Mouseketeer dating N*SYNC’s JC to making DTV films in Turkey) as Hope Cassidy. That name wouldn’t be so bad if she didn’t keep repeating that Hope was all she has left (Following which we let loose more vomit than the sum printed on every Garbage Pail Kid sticker!) Being that the world was screaming for a sequel to The Net, to answer all those lingering questions left over from the TV series, such as “Are those Pi Symbol guys defeated?”, “Was that the movie that turned Dennis Miller from hilarious comedian to unfunny rightwing shill?” and “There was a TV series???” Instead of keeping the international conspiracy angle, this cheapened version also cheapens the plot, turning it into a simple robbery. This dropping of the conspiracy eliminates the only interesting angle of the original, while instead of an international supergroup the villains turn out to be just a pair of one-dimensional goons. WOOOoooOOOoOOOoOoOoOO! Fear the one-dimensional goons! They will erase your identity if you ever take a job in Turkey! Well, maybe you can get a job in a Cuneyt Arkin film, or the DTV Cocktail 2: Cock Harder!

Having never seen the TV series, I have no idea if it was cancelled in the middle of a plotline that this was originally intended to answer. Since 2.0 has zero connections story-wise, it was probably not greenlighted to finish any stories, but to jump onto the cash cow of DTV (Direct to Video) sequels that are now plaguing Blockbuster and Hollywood Video like locusts in Biblical Egypt. Movies like Single White Female 2: The Psycho, Species III, Wild Things 3: Diamonds in the Rough, and House of the Dead 2 pull in enough of a profit in video presales before they’re even released to make it worthwhile, so director turned producer Irwin Winkler placed his son in charge of direction (the original title was The Net 2.0: Nepotism) so they’d rake in all the dough, making the Winkler family even richer, and it’s not even Henry Winkler’s family. Can’t the Fonz catch a break? At least he was on Arrested Development.

With all the magic hacking power of the two villains, one wonders why they had to resort to this identity erasing as a frame-up for their robbery when they could put it to good use ripping off slightly smaller targets that would still make them rich enough to never have to work again. There are literally thousands of unsecured and easily accessible places to go, for people with that super power of hacking. The same super power of hacking that Matthew Broderick had in WarGames, or Wolverine possessed in Swordfish, these two idiots are using to goof around, and the heroine is even more super powered than them. Scary note on the WarGames reference, WarGames 2 has been greenlit for DTV! I’m sure it will be just as terrible as the title sounds.
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Posted by Tars Tarkas - November 20, 2006 at 12:25 am

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Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life (Review)

Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life


2005
Starring
Jeremy Sumpter as Justin Petersen
Kelly Lynch as Diane Petersen
Lyndsy Fonseca as Amy
Jake Scott as Alex Petersen

Lifetime Networks presents a story of our times. From the tradition of Reefer Madness, Cocaine Fiends, and Sex Madness comes Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life, the story of a boy and his internet porn, and how it destroyed his life. Just like those movies, the effects of pornography is over the top, and our innocent kid soon becomes entangled in a world of horror. Also this movie uses the phrase “Virgin Vaginas” which is just too funny for words.

Up as the concerned mom Diane Petersen is Kelly Lynch, who gives us a lecture at the end of the movie about pornography. I wasn’t paying attention, as I used Google Image Search to look up “Kelly Lynch” and found a full frontal shot of her as the very first picture returned. Playing the innocent Justin is Peter Pan himself, Jeremy Sumpter. Looks like the boy who never grew up finally did, and he’s growing up in more places than one when the internet comes on if you catch my drift.

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Posted by Tars Tarkas - June 21, 2005 at 5:23 am

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