Tag Archives: Sequels we never needed

More Christmas Stories

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[adrotate banner=”1″]We’re gonna shoot out ALL your eyes!!! It’s another Christmas Story for all as Warners cashes in and makes a DTV sequel to the iconic holiday classic. Sure, there already was an actual sequel My Summer Story/It Runs in the Family that I think just went direct to cable, and a bunch of made for PBS features involving the Parker family narrated by Jean Shepherd and starring Jerry O’Connell as Ralphie for at least some of them. The fact no one knows what I am talking about attests to their popularity.

Expect A Christmas Story 2 (some sites are calling it A Christmas Story Too, an important distinction in the world of who gives a crap!) to drop October 30th and features Ralphie dressed as a reindeer because he works at a department store or something. Also he wants a car. Will the 1938 Hupmobile Skyline convertible be the new Red Ryder BB gun? Of course! The Old Man is going to be Daniel Stern (who was the narrator for The Wonder Years, which was partially inspired by A Christmas Story), and a photo shows him holding the iconic leg lamp. Because this sequel will be all about callbacks! Brian Levant of Jingle All The Way fame directs. Set your Little Orphan Annie secret decoder pin to “Watch”!

Maybe I should make more references to the original film…

Get your Ovaltine or something. Not a finger. Oh, fudge.

A Christmas Story 2

It's true, it's true...

Crystal Sky to destroy cinema, babies

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[adrotate banner=”1″]Crystal Sky announced their upcoming features, and they’ve done it: They’ve ruined cinema. Sorry, movies, you had a good run, but three more Baby Geniuses films is enough to force everyone to television…where they’ll be forced to watch the Baby Geniuses tv series.

You might think I am joking, but I am not. The Baby Geniuses trilogy (3, 4, and 5) has been filmed and is in post production. Jon Voight returns for all three installments, and his buddy Bratz director Sean McNamara helmed all three. I don’t know who directed the 13 episodes of the tv series, perhaps Satan had some free time on his schedule.

Not wanting Baby Geniuses to be the low point of their presentation, Crystal Sky also announced plans for Dracula: The 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse. If you think that sounds like a title for tween girls to swoon over another brooding pale guy, you don’t know tween girls, and are also working for Crystal Sky, because that’s the point. As the explanation goes:

“It’s the first installment in a franchise about a young, romantic Prince of Darkness, his Army of the Undead and a series of events that shake Transylvania to its core,” said Paul, who calls the vampires “the bad boys” of their time. He said the intent is to create a Twilight-type franchise, which will spin off movie after movie in years to come.

Currently no one is cast as Dracula or his fellow bad boys, but Pearry Reginald Teo is directing.

Don’t worry, there are more films coming! Tekken: Rise of the Tournament is a prequel to Tekken, which was awful awful awful. But don’t worry, this one will be directed by Prachya Pinkaew (Ong Bak, Tom-Yum-Goong, Chocolate) which means it could be awesome awesome awesome. I don’t know if I’m able to process this radical shift in fortunes. Hopefully it will be a GI Joe 2, where the second film looks like it will rule.

Crystal Sky also has a giant dog franchise starting with Chilly Christmas. Trust me, there is a giant dog in the film according to the plot synopsis. This is another franchise attempt, and will probably have a better chance than the Dracula film. The world needs more giant dogs. C. Thomas Howell, Tom Arnold and Brooke Langton star, while Gregory Poppen directs.

The official position is a wary excitement for Tekken: Rise of the Tournament, and acceptance of Chilly Christmas even though we’ll probably not watch it.

Baby-Geniuses-2--Super-Babies

The original babies now have babies...

More sequels than you know…

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[adrotate banner=”1″]It’s that time again, time for studios to demand sequels to films that you didn’t know were going to get sequels!

First up, remember Contagion, the 2011 Steven Soderbergh film where a disease spread and it was all sciencey and stuff? Sequel! Warner Bros got Scott Z. Burns, the writer of the original, to write the script for the new one. No word on if Soderbergh will return. (via It’s on the Grid)

Those of you who are fans of list-based films where the actor who played a major character has died in real life will be happy to know that soon there will be 10 More Things I Hate About You. The director of the original (and most of the tv series I never knew existed!) Gil Junger will be directing this new entry, and he’s gotten Hayley Atwell from Captain America. The real question is will Jacked Up Stone be in this sequel? Because the public will demand it!

Universal president Eddie Cunningham wants a Love Actually 2! The bland ensemble romantic comedies they’ve been putting out (Valentine’s Day, New Year’s Day) just steal it’s formula, anyway. So why not? Expect it to show up eventually with a bajillion stars. No one is linked to the project yet.

Don’t worry, there will be more sequels to more things that don’t need sequels soon!

contagion paltrow

Sequels? NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Easy Rider: The Ride Back

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[adrotate banner=”1″]Easy Rider: The Ride Back is an actual film, a sequel and prequel (because we needed BOTH, apparently) that totally doesn’t wizz all over the memory of the original. Okay, it probably does, and with no style. But it exists, so we at least have to give it the courtesy of making fun of it!

The plot (ganked from IMDB)
In this revisionist drama, the film delves into the family lineage of Wyatt Williams, the character made famous by Peter Fonda in the original Easy Rider Movie. Centering around the Williams family, and their internal family struggles throughout the eras of the 40’s to present day, as they struggle to connect with one another through the only way they know how. Their love of motorcycles and the freedom of the ride.

Director Dustin Rikert has directed such awesome films as Death Hunter: Werewolves vs. Vampires and Alien Invasion Arizona (films even Foywonder hated!)

You can tell how much Peter Fonda was for this by his non-appearance in the credits. Granted, you probably know why he shouldn’t be in it if you have seen the original. But he’s not even playing his dad/son/whatever random relative. If you want to see the trailer, it is up here. As for me, I’ll stick to films about Japanese girls with alien parasites up their butt, because they’re made with more care.

Easy Rider 2

Planet Raptor: Raptor Island 2 (Review)

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Planet Raptor: Raptor Island 2

aka Raptor Island 2

2008
Directed by Gary Jones
Written by Steve Latshaw

Remember that SciFi Channel movie Raptor Island and how it was one of the worst SciFi Channel movies ever, the raptors just stood there and got shoot, and the whole thing was a complete mess? Well, it got a sequel! Don’t you feel your harsh criticisms of the original are now unjustified? Of course not, there is no reason for this sequel to exist. And yet it does. And it is set in space.

Yes, OUTER SPACE!

Well, Critters, Friday the 13th, and Leprechaun did it, so why not Raptor Island? That also gives you the excuse to rip off Aliens wholesale with the excuse it is in the future, thus it is a homage or something. So IN THE FUTURE Raptor will still be eating people, because that is what they do. And SciFi Channel will be airing Shark Attack 46: Megalodon in Space.

Director Gary Jones worked with Sam Raimi on two of the Evil Dead films, and has since become a genre director of his own right. Writer Steve Latshaw has been around for years, previously encounter here in The Curse of the Komodo. Neither of them have much to work with due to the limited budget, and are forced to resort to stock footage and abandoned towns. The film reeks of a small budget, it even has problems with the American flags on the uniforms. Sometimes the American flag has forty stars, and sometimes only 35! It looks like in the future America lost a few states, or they are in a state of quantum flux, probably due to more raptors. Schrödinger’s states.

Captain Mace Carter (Steven Bauer) – tough talking captain of a squad of marines sent to investigate a mysterious SOS on a planet. Steven Bauer played the evil foreign terrorist Azir in the previous film, who died, so this must be his great-great grandson who is now an American. Cultural assimilation for raptor destruction, in space. You have to admire a character named for Mace Windu and John Carter of Mars.
Dr. Anna Rogers (Vanessa Angel) – Her parents were killed in a war, so she became a scientist as well. Makes sense. Probably a distant descendant of the offspring of Mike and Linda Olsen from Raging Sharks, because I believe all SciFi Channel films take place in the same universe. A very terrifying universe.
Sgt. Jacqueline ‘Jack’ Moore (Musetta Vander) – The tough woman marine character you need in all Aliens ripoffs. You know she’s tough because she has a boy’s name. Musetta Vander was in such great films as Mansquito, Wild Wild West, and Mortal Kombat 2.
Dr. Tygon (Ted Raimi) – The leader of the creepy government scientists. You know he is evil because he is named after a hybrid animal, but the opposite of the one bred for their skills in magic. Ted Raimi is Sam Raimi’s brother and is in all of his films, but sometimes you got to pay for that new house, so here we are.
Sgt. Pappy Mathis (Peter Jason) – The old man marine who is tough and old and cool. He’s the most likeable character, so you might as well paint a target on his back. He gets raptor chomped, and then goes all suicide bomber on those space dinos. Peter Jason was also in the original Raptor Island, and used the accolades he got from these two movies to get a role in Transformers 2. He is also seen here in They Live.
Jose (???) – A bald trooper with one eyebrow and lots of old food. I don’t know who played him because the credits didn’t bother to tell anyone. Bad credits!
Alien Dude (Puppet) – He is an alien who looks like a mantis, and his race had the brilliant plan to use raptors as slaves and pets. This was after they had the idea to build and orphanage on a volcano and crash a meteor into their capital building to kill some termites. Not the brightest thinkers, and now all dead. Take that, space bugs!
Puppet Raptors (Puppet) – The Space Raptors come in two breeds – Puppet and CGI. Guess which one doesn’t look terrible? All the shots of the Puppet Raptor are pretty scary, but then he jumps out as a CGI mess and you wonder what they were thinking. Next time, go 100% puppet raptor with a marionette. It will still look better than…
CGI Raptors (CGI) – CGI Raptors look pretty terrible. Half of the time they are purple, but at least they aren’t as brain dead as the previous movie’s raptors, who stood still while being shot and just dropped dead. Now they drop dead whil walking forward. That is how Space Raptors are so spacey. Maybe if you are coked out of your brain to the point where you think you are in space, these effects will look good. Give me the Puppet Raptors!!
Commander Bakewell (Serban Celea) – Captain of the ship USS Santee, he spends most of the film hanging with Science Chief Romanov (Bart Sidles) trying to get in contact with the ground team, only to try to kill them when he does. Makes sense. As expected, Commander Bakewell makes the best brownies ever, but is a mortal enemy of Poppin Fresh!.


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Wargames 2: The Dead Code (Review)

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Wargames 2: The Dead Code


2008
Directed by Stuart Gillard

It’s War Games 2: The Dead Code, the latest DTV sequel of a movie that last hit theaters when most video renters were still in diapers. Thanks to the magic of constant reruns on TNT, USA, and HBO, everyone who is anyone has seen the original War Games over a billion times. Everyone learns that the only winning move is not to play, than Matthew Broderick changes his grades via computer, and that all programmers leave back doors. Now, War Games has been updated for the new millennium, with a girl computer, modern kids, and the War on Terror so in your face you won’t be able to sneeze. Join us as we encounter War Games 2: The Dead Code, and find out if your childhood has been raped, or merely felt up by your crazy uncle!

As we all know, the Dead Code is up up down down left right left right…no, wait, that’s the 40 lives code. The Dead Code is something new, and we’ll have to watch the film to get. Dammit! Our characters for this radio drama include:

Will Farmer (Matt Lanter) – Our main character whose name sounds super generic. Has a sick, chemical genius mom and a dead father. A compute whiz and hacker/phreaker. Able to seduce chess babes with but a single glance. Evades government security like he’s bin Laden.
Annie (Amanda Walsh) – A girl in chess club who becomes Will Farmer’s lover interest because she is a computer hacking pro. Excuse me while I don’t believe a word of that. Anyway, by the end of the film they are on their way to hacking each other’s naughty bits, and maybe Will will be lucky and find her backdoor password.
Dennis Nichols (Nicolas Wright) – Friend of Will Farmer, master of Stargate MMORPG, trash talker, hanger out in basements, and standard sidekick character.
Bill Carter (Chuck Shamata) – Head tech guy for the RIPLEY project, worried RIPLEY may have gone too far. Another old school hacker.
Kenneth Hassert (Colm Feore) – Horn-Rimmed Glasses. Arrogant guy in charge of the RIPLEY project. Spends most of the film being a jerk and talking down to generals and admirals he is supposed to be impressing for funding. Then suddenly becomes competent in the final section. Colm Feore was President Richard Adar on Battlestar Galactica, which means he should have experience with crazy machines armed with nuclear bombs. All this has happened before and will happen again.
Old Guy (Gary Reineke) – He is just an old guy, nothing to see here…
RIPLEY (Claudia Black)- The new computer is a girl. It is also crazier, more dangerous, and more intelligent. So, yeah, a girl. What does R.I.P.L.E.Y. stand for? Who cares, the film sure doesn’t care enough to tell us! The film used the Aliens and Talented Mr. Ripley jokes, so we will run the “Believe it or not!” joke down your throat until you beg for mercy.

So let’s get rockin’! In Afghanistan (home of Afghan blankets), the director is getting all stylish as jeeps jumping over dunes in slow-motion. The jeeps are driven by a bunch of Eurotrash gangsters and hookers meeting other Eurotrash gangsters who desire hookers, all of which are supposed to be the Taliban or something. They get bombed dead by an unmanned Predator drone. Shock and awe, indeed. If you take a close look at the missiles carried by the unmanned Predator drone, you will see it says “Inert”. I’ve never seen inert explosives explode so large before! We find out the bombing was ordered by RIPLEY, a girl computer! Believe it or not! Computers can’t be girls, so I choose not to believe.


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