More Christmas Stories
We’re gonna shoot out ALL your eyes!!! It’s another Christmas Story for all as Warners cashes in and makes a DTV sequel to the iconic holiday classic. Sure, there already was an actual sequel My Summer Story/It Runs in the Family that I think just went direct to cable, and a bunch of made for PBS features involving the Parker family narrated by Jean Shepherd and starring Jerry O’Connell as Ralphie for at least some of them. The fact no one knows what I am talking about attests to their popularity.
Expect A Christmas Story 2 (some sites are calling it A Christmas Story Too, an important distinction in the world of who gives a crap!) to drop October 30th and features Ralphie dressed as a reindeer because he works at a department store or something. Also he wants a car. Will the 1938 Hupmobile Skyline convertible be the new Red Ryder BB gun? Of course! The Old Man is going to be Daniel Stern (who was the narrator for The Wonder Years, which was partially inspired by A Christmas Story), and a photo shows him holding the iconic leg lamp. Because this sequel will be all about callbacks! Brian Levant of Jingle All The Way fame directs. Set your Little Orphan Annie secret decoder pin to “Watch”!
Maybe I should make more references to the original film…
Get your Ovaltine or something. Not a finger. Oh, fudge.
It's true, it's true...
Categories: Movie News Tags: Brian Levant, Daniel Stern, DTV sequels, Jean Shepherd, Sequels we never needed
Crystal Sky to destroy cinema, babies
Crystal Sky announced their upcoming features, and they’ve done it: They’ve ruined cinema. Sorry, movies, you had a good run, but three more Baby Geniuses films is enough to force everyone to television…where they’ll be forced to watch the Baby Geniuses tv series.
You might think I am joking, but I am not. The Baby Geniuses trilogy (3, 4, and 5) has been filmed and is in post production. Jon Voight returns for all three installments, and his buddy Bratz director Sean McNamara helmed all three. I don’t know who directed the 13 episodes of the tv series, perhaps Satan had some free time on his schedule.
Not wanting Baby Geniuses to be the low point of their presentation, Crystal Sky also announced plans for Dracula: The 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse. If you think that sounds like a title for tween girls to swoon over another brooding pale guy, you don’t know tween girls, and are also working for Crystal Sky, because that’s the point. As the explanation goes:
“It’s the first installment in a franchise about a young, romantic Prince of Darkness, his Army of the Undead and a series of events that shake Transylvania to its core,” said Paul, who calls the vampires “the bad boys” of their time. He said the intent is to create a Twilight-type franchise, which will spin off movie after movie in years to come.
Currently no one is cast as Dracula or his fellow bad boys, but Pearry Reginald Teo is directing.
Don’t worry, there are more films coming! Tekken: Rise of the Tournament is a prequel to Tekken, which was awful awful awful. But don’t worry, this one will be directed by Prachya Pinkaew (Ong Bak, Tom-Yum-Goong, Chocolate) which means it could be awesome awesome awesome. I don’t know if I’m able to process this radical shift in fortunes. Hopefully it will be a GI Joe 2, where the second film looks like it will rule.
Crystal Sky also has a giant dog franchise starting with Chilly Christmas. Trust me, there is a giant dog in the film according to the plot synopsis. This is another franchise attempt, and will probably have a better chance than the Dracula film. The world needs more giant dogs. C. Thomas Howell, Tom Arnold and Brooke Langton star, while Gregory Poppen directs.
The official position is a wary excitement for Tekken: Rise of the Tournament, and acceptance of Chilly Christmas even though we’ll probably not watch it.
The original babies now have babies...
More sequels than you know…
It’s that time again, time for studios to demand sequels to films that you didn’t know were going to get sequels!
First up, remember Contagion, the 2011 Steven Soderbergh film where a disease spread and it was all sciencey and stuff? Sequel! Warner Bros got Scott Z. Burns, the writer of the original, to write the script for the new one. No word on if Soderbergh will return. (via It’s on the Grid)
Those of you who are fans of list-based films where the actor who played a major character has died in real life will be happy to know that soon there will be 10 More Things I Hate About You. The director of the original (and most of the tv series I never knew existed!) Gil Junger will be directing this new entry, and he’s gotten Hayley Atwell from Captain America. The real question is will Jacked Up Stone be in this sequel? Because the public will demand it!
Universal president Eddie Cunningham wants a Love Actually 2! The bland ensemble romantic comedies they’ve been putting out (Valentine’s Day, New Year’s Day) just steal it’s formula, anyway. So why not? Expect it to show up eventually with a bajillion stars. No one is linked to the project yet.
Don’t worry, there will be more sequels to more things that don’t need sequels soon!
Sequels? NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Categories: Movie News Tags: Eddie Cunningham, Gil Junger, Hayley Atwell, Scott Z. Burns, Sequels we never needed, Universal
Easy Rider: The Ride Back
Easy Rider: The Ride Back is an actual film, a sequel and prequel (because we needed BOTH, apparently) that totally doesn’t wizz all over the memory of the original. Okay, it probably does, and with no style. But it exists, so we at least have to give it the courtesy of making fun of it!
The plot (ganked from IMDB)
In this revisionist drama, the film delves into the family lineage of Wyatt Williams, the character made famous by Peter Fonda in the original Easy Rider Movie. Centering around the Williams family, and their internal family struggles throughout the eras of the 40’s to present day, as they struggle to connect with one another through the only way they know how. Their love of motorcycles and the freedom of the ride.
Director Dustin Rikert has directed such awesome films as Death Hunter: Werewolves vs. Vampires and Alien Invasion Arizona (films even Foywonder hated!)
You can tell how much Peter Fonda was for this by his non-appearance in the credits. Granted, you probably know why he shouldn’t be in it if you have seen the original. But he’s not even playing his dad/son/whatever random relative. If you want to see the trailer, it is up here. As for me, I’ll stick to films about Japanese girls with alien parasites up their butt, because they’re made with more care.
Categories: Movie News Tags: Dustin Rikert, Sequels we never needed
Planet Raptor: Raptor Island 2 (Review)
Planet Raptor: Raptor Island 2
aka Raptor Island 2
2008
Directed by Gary Jones
Written by Steve Latshaw
Remember that SciFi Channel movie Raptor Island and how it was one of the worst SciFi Channel movies ever, the raptors just stood there and got shoot, and the whole thing was a complete mess? Well, it got a sequel! Don’t you feel your harsh criticisms of the original are now unjustified? Of course not, there is no reason for this sequel to exist. And yet it does. And it is set in space.
Yes, OUTER SPACE!
Well, Critters, Friday the 13th, and Leprechaun did it, so why not Raptor Island? That also gives you the excuse to rip off Aliens wholesale with the excuse it is in the future, thus it is a homage or something. So IN THE FUTURE Raptor will still be eating people, because that is what they do. And SciFi Channel will be airing Shark Attack 46: Megalodon in Space.
Director Gary Jones worked with Sam Raimi on two of the Evil Dead films, and has since become a genre director of his own right. Writer Steve Latshaw has been around for years, previously encounter here in The Curse of the Komodo. Neither of them have much to work with due to the limited budget, and are forced to resort to stock footage and abandoned towns. The film reeks of a small budget, it even has problems with the American flags on the uniforms. Sometimes the American flag has forty stars, and sometimes only 35! It looks like in the future America lost a few states, or they are in a state of quantum flux, probably due to more raptors. Schrödinger’s states.
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Wargames 2: The Dead Code (Review)
Wargames 2: The Dead Code
2008
Directed by Stuart Gillard
It’s War Games 2: The Dead Code, the latest DTV sequel of a movie that last hit theaters when most video renters were still in diapers. Thanks to the magic of constant reruns on TNT, USA, and HBO, everyone who is anyone has seen the original War Games over a billion times. Everyone learns that the only winning move is not to play, than Matthew Broderick changes his grades via computer, and that all programmers leave back doors. Now, War Games has been updated for the new millennium, with a girl computer, modern kids, and the War on Terror so in your face you won’t be able to sneeze. Join us as we encounter War Games 2: The Dead Code, and find out if your childhood has been raped, or merely felt up by your crazy uncle!
As we all know, the Dead Code is up up down down left right left right…no, wait, that’s the 40 lives code. The Dead Code is something new, and we’ll have to watch the film to get. Dammit! Our characters for this radio drama include:
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So let’s get rockin’! In Afghanistan (home of Afghan blankets), the director is getting all stylish as jeeps jumping over dunes in slow-motion. The jeeps are driven by a bunch of Eurotrash gangsters and hookers meeting other Eurotrash gangsters who desire hookers, all of which are supposed to be the Taliban or something. They get bombed dead by an unmanned Predator drone. Shock and awe, indeed. If you take a close look at the missiles carried by the unmanned Predator drone, you will see it says “Inert”. I’ve never seen inert explosives explode so large before! We find out the bombing was ordered by RIPLEY, a girl computer! Believe it or not! Computers can’t be girls, so I choose not to believe.
