The Great Bikini Bowling Bash (Review)
The Great Bikini Bowling Bash
2014
Written and directed by Dean McKendrick
How to do a proper bowling stance
Bowling, bikinis, naked chicks, gutterballs, and strikes are brought to us via The Great Bikini Bowling Bash! It’s another softcore production from Synthetic Filmwerx, complete with many of the recurring cast members and much of the same charm. Dean McKendrick writes and directs, and The Great Bikini Bowling Bash shows off having location shooting at an actual bowling alley (!!) and some of the crew popping up as extras for a crowd scene(!!). A few of the crew can be seen in other Synthetic Filmwerx/Retromedia productions from years past.
The Great Bikini Bowling Bash builds off of the tradition of having bikini versions of businesses being created to save the business from nefarious actors, which became a softcore staple with The Bikini Car Wash Company (which gets acknowledged in the film) and has been expanded to include such random softcore titles like Bikini Traffic School, Bikini Model Academy, and Bikini Drive-In. This means we pretty much know the plot, right? Almost, because the titular bikini bowling bash results in only raising a pittance, the real salvation comes during a high-stakes bet that closes out the film. So it’s more like Caddyshack and nothing like The Great Lebowski or Kingpin. I would have liked at least some references to other bowling films, because I’m a guy who likes references to things.
They based that bowling character who tries to seduce Marge Simpson on me, baby!
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Bikinis, bowling, and a bash. The film delivers!
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Categories: Movie Reviews, Ugly Tags: bikini movie madness, Dean McKendrick, Eric Masterson, Frankie Cullen, Frankie Dell, Krissy Lynn, Lesbians, Mary Carey, Michael Gaglio, Ryan Driller, softcore, Sophia Bella
Atomic Hotel Erotica (Review)
Atomic Hotel Erotica
2014
Written and directed by Dean McKendrick
Check it out, I told this telemarketer my name was Mr. Butts and now he keeps saying “Mr. Butts”!
A seemingly innocent hotel turns out to be the home of secret Satanists out to steal your soul in Atomic Hotel Erotica! There is also some drama about rival engineers after a big bonus and marital strife, but as that has little to do with worshiping Satan, let’s put that on the back burner for now.
Strangely, the film that Atomic Hotel Erotica might be closest to spiritually is Manos The Hands of Fate. Both feature a strange hotel with a mysterious master and guests that check in but don’t check out. Or maybe the closest relation is a roach motel. Or maybe the Hotel California, that hotel that you can never leave.
You seriously thought Beanie Babies would put your kids through college?
Remember that old believe by some tribes that taking a photograph would steal their souls and everyone laughed and felt culturally superior? Well, the smug is on the other foot here as souls are stolen using a camera! Dun dun DUN!
The hotel in Atomic Hotel Erotica is actually named Atomic Hotel Erotica, complete with sign that is totally not a cgi sign in front of someone’s house. The rooms look like they were decorated by children in the 1950s, and nothing has been updated since then, which fits in with the name of the hotel.
As Atomic Hotel Erotica is a softcore flick from Synthetic Filmwerx, it features a lot of the things we’ve come to expect from a Retromedia production. The familiar songs, familiar sets, and familiar casts. Heck, besides the mains, there are photograph cameos from Christine Nguyen, Voodoo, Chad White, and Karlie Montana!
Cowboys and rayguns? Perhaps this room is a commentary of how the space age destroyed the wild west in the hearts of children everywhere?
The plot is a bit thin and the film is caught trying to compensate for the tiny budget and cast, which keeps it from exploring just what is going on too deeply. This leaves things unsatisfied when the film does conclude, dropping Atomic Hotel Erotica down a bit in the rankings. The cast tries to make up for it, but are unable to work miracles. While disappointing, there are still a few things to like about Atomic Hotel Erotica, and plenty of speculative questions that only TarsTarkas.NET will be bold enough to inquire about the plot, as everyone else is just here for the nude people doing nude things to each other.
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How can you see anything with the sun’s glare shining right on the screen?
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Stacked Racks from Mars (Review)
Stacked Racks from Mars
2014
Written and directed by Dean McKendrick
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They got all this way before they realized they left Grandpa back at the gas station!
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Earth is once again the target of alien conquest and alien lust in Stacked Racks from Mars! Invading aliens are always coming to Earth with plans to invade, and plans to have fun shore leaves, which almost always result in the aliens choosing not to invade. If there’s one thing humans are known for in the galaxy, it’s fucking anything and everything that comes to Earth. ALF, ET, Predator, Mac – they all pulled in tons of tail! Where do you think Disney gets the raw components for their latest generation of kids from?
Oh, forget the plot, let’s just make out!
Stacked Racks from Mars is another femalien invasion movie where alien ladies possess the bodies of Earth ladies and proceed to go on a sex spree. This time, the ladies specifically say they were conscious the entire time while the aliens use their bodies to have sex with random people. However, they don’t seem to be shocked at all by the experience of being possessed and coerced into situations of rape, and are instead more mad at their husbands, who have sex with the alien women. That’s a neat trick to try to dismiss the fact the women are being raped, and unfortunately I have to give demerits to Stacked Racks from Mars because I’ve never been comfortable with these scenes, and prefer everyone being totally down with getting down. At least this time the women are freed, unlike in Housewives from Another World, where they are trapped forever while the aliens control their bodies.
Stacked Racks from Mars is cartoonish in nature, with several scenes that are played up for ridiculousness. The ending especially, which gives off Benny Hill vibes and deflates what should be more serious repercussions. If you miss that spaceship set that gets used a lot in low-budget features, it makes a reappearance, complete with a sex scene on the table. All the other classic Retromedia/Synthetic Filmwerx stuff is present, from the usual core cast (with a few newbies) to the familiar music.
Wait, sex with aliens causes impotency???
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But we have no shelves, how can we stack?
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Birthday Sex
Birthday Sex
2012
Written by Tina Hawthorne
Directed by Austin Brooks
The best birthday ever!
Birthday Sex! We all know the song, we all jam it up on the radio, we all sang it ironically on our birthdays and then moved on to some other song. And now, Birthday Sex is also a softcore flick from our friends at Mainline Releasing, your home for movies that often have more to say than what they appear.
It’s Mia’s 25th birthday! Which is cool because she gets a parade of birthday presents that suddenly become terrible presents and her whole outlook on life changes and this birthday becomes the worst birthday ever that’s also the best birthday ever in the long run. Mia’s 25th is time for her to hit a crossroads, where much is made about how she suddenly wants to grow up and be responsible and boring, while her current boyfriend Tyler just wants to live life and party. Now, I’m not going to get into a big discussion about when it is okay to settle down and when you should still be up all night to the sun for good fun, because each person has their own journey in life. 25 is enough time to have had fun, and to be aware of yourself enough to know what you want in life, though that is far from a requirement at that age (and Lord knows I had no clue and am still winging it years later!)
GRRRR!! No one mocks my green earthenware tea set that matches my jacket and green apple paintings!
Obviously, Mia took the Jimmy Eat World line from Praise Chorus seriously, that “even at 25, you gotta start sometime” One wonders if she though no one liked her at age 23 when she was amused by tv shows. One interesting aspect that may be a coincidence or may be on purpose, is that the actress playing Mia has a butterfly tattoo, and later you see butterfly posters on the wall. Symbolically, the butterfly is the mature form, released from the cocoon, while Mia’s journey sees her growing up and becoming the mature form of Mia. She leaves behind her caterpillar boyfriend Tyler to go hang with the fellow butterflies and the flowers.
Packed in this crisis of lifestyle choices are Mia’s two friends, the party girl Kristen (who is crushing on Tyler) and the bitter Sara (who hates all men because she was dumped once!) Never fear, a love interest surfaces in nice guy Simon, but will he and Mia get together, or will all these roommates and different goals and hormones get in the way of a love of the ages. Birthday Sex, surprisingly romantic despite the raunchy title and late night Cinemax air dates.
Tina Hawthorne is rapidly becoming my favorite softcore film writer, to the point where I’m now seeking out some of her films. I don’t know if she’s a real person or just a pen name, but the writing is good, nevertheless. (she also wrote Naughty Reunion, which dealt a lot with the relationships between the various high school stereotypes.) Director Austin Brooks also helmed Sexual Quest, which was another film more about relationships in a marriage than the actual sex, which there was a lot of.
The “I Kicked That Guy Out and Now Feel Guilty Pose” is only for advanced yoga enthusiasts.
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Extra whip? You pervert!
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Categories: Movie Reviews, Ugly Tags: Alan Stafford, Amber Rayne, Austin Brooks, Brandon Ruckdashel, Kenneth Blake, Mainline Releasing, Misty Anderson, Ryan Driller, Sadie Katz, softcore, Tanya Tate, Tina Hawthorne
