“Welcome to Motel 6. Do you have a reservation… TO DIE?”
So the Apocalypse happened back in 1999. I know, you probably missed it; I know I did. But it happened, and Los Angeles split from the continent by the fault line and was hit by a plague. By some strange voodoo, this resulted in the remnants of the city becoming entrenched in a mix of medieval pageantry and ninja violence.
Well, if any post-apocalyptic city is going to devolve into a bad action movie, they’re right, L.A. would be the place.
Mason (Robert Chapin) – Also known as ‘Dragon’, he saw his wife and child get brutally murdered by the evil Fullock. Cult leader Vestor also tried to control him, but Dragon was too strong! He’s normally on the run in the Post-Apocalypse until he’s tasked with traveling back in time to grab the vaccine that will stop the plague two days before the quake. Got all that?
Also, his hair is really goofy. I mean, look at that.
Milton (Chuck Loch) – Despite the fact that the notion of light bulbs continues to elude him, this chap invented a time machine! Unfortunately, his time machine is incompatible with shirts for some reason. Look, he invented time travel, he’s allowed some wiggle room.
Regina (Chona Jason) – Mason’s girlfriend. Don’t get me wrong, he’s still upset after his wife died and all, but this movie needs nudity, dammit, and someone has to provide.
Vestor (Richard Lynch) – Self proclaimed “Chief Medical Dictator”, he runs around future L.A. like he owns the place. He also tries to indoctrinate various people into his cults. He’s the bad guy here, and spends most of the film stuck in the post-apocalypse glowering like few other character actors can.
Dr. Ruth (Deborah Stambler) – The doctor who takes care of Mason when he arrives back in the hoary days of 1999. She thinks his story of traveling through time is amusing, until the shirtless assassins show up and start karate chopping shit.
Fullock (T.J. Storm) – Look, I’m not saying he’s technically playing the Terminator, but he wanders around shirtless, is practically unstoppable, doesn’t say anything, and by the end has a shotgun that he runs amuck with.
But he also knows karate. So he’s got that going for him.
A Leigh Scott film, yes the director of Transmorphers, Dragon, and countless other Asylum productions has fled that company and is now making the kinds of films he wants. These include biker chicks and rednecks vs. robots lead by a madman Paul Le Mat. Luckily, Stacey Dash’s biker gang is adept at kicking robot butt. And Stacey Dash is hot, so we got that going on as well.
Mia Zottoli as Ramsay Amun/Hor-Shep-Sut
Sasha Peralto as Ana Harwa/Princess Hat-Em-Akhet
George Thomas as Professor Carter Moore
Aysia Lee as Tina Kim
Richard Lynch as Dr. Wallis Harwa
Arthur Roberts as Osiris
Katie Lohmann as Isis
Shhhh!!! Be very very quiet! We’re sneaking downstairs to catch a glimpse of late night TV, since we’re tired of going to bed early. Luckily Step-father is asleep on the couch, so we can change channels without much trouble. Let’s see what’s on the pay channels tonight…HBO has Out For A Kill, Showtime is playing a Queer as Folk marathon…what’s this? The Mummy’s Kiss? I liked the first two Mummy movies, let’s give this one a whirl. Hey….SHE’S NAKED! WHOA! Continue reading →