Lolita from Interstellar Space (Review)
Lolita from Interstellar Space
2014
Written and directed by Dean McKendrick
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This is the USS Vladimir Nabokov, we’re being chased by an unknown vessel and requesting assistance!
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Lolita from Interstellar Space is yet another erotic parody softcore feature from Synthetic Filmwerx, complete with science-fiction elements and featuring a load of the familiar actors and song queues you know and love from the Retromedia bunch. Despite the reins being handed over fully to Dean McKendrick, the films are still recognizably from the same production group, and Lolita feels like a comfortable pair of slippers.
An alien comes to Earth to learn all about humanity, and humanity’s favorite pastime – sex! Or killing each other, but that wouldn’t make a good late night cable movie, so that’s all thrown out in favor of the bumping of uglies. A good decision, in my opinion. Who knew that softcore films are more progressive than prime time television?
This film just made a profit!
Lolita from Interstellar Space succeeds in having a group of characters who are flawed but still good people (except for Greg, who is just bad), lending some realism to their portrayals. Sarah, who likes fancy stuff, but likes honesty and not putting up with a bunch of crap more. Joe, who is aimlessly drifting through college, but stays away from dipping into the unscrupulous doings of his friend Greg. Brandy, who enjoys attention but is rather reserved. Lolita isn’t a super smart alien chosen for this unique mission, she’s a screw-up who goes because it’s a last-ditch effort to get a passing grade. And even then, she messes up and has to fix the problems.
This film does raise the question on if the aliens are sending students to different planets all the time for extra credit, and what are the long term consequences of this action? Could thousands of planets in the galaxy be receiving visits from this race in the form of students who are in danger of failing? And where to the advanced students go? Once again, the viewer must answer these questions for themselves. I am fully confident that this will be the main avenue of discussion for Lolita from Interstellar Space, and not the sex scenes. I’m also fully confident you knew I was kidding about that last sentence!
All your insurance covers is hypnotherapy!
You also need to know that Lolita from Interstellar Space is based on the classic tale by Jules Verne! Wait…WHAT??? Damn you, Jules Verne!
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I think she knows we’re only in this chemistry class to learn how to break bad!
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Categories: Movie Reviews, Ugly Tags: Alec Knight, Anna Morna, bikini movie madness, Chad White, Christine Nguyen, Dean McKendrick, Karlie Montana, Lesbians, Nick Manning, Seth Gamble, softcore, Synthetic Filmwerx
Bikini Time Machine (Review)
Bikini Time Machine
aka Rewind Time Machine
2011
Written and directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Juan Medina)
I traveled through time and now my period is all messed up!
Bikini Time Machine says it all, except no one is in bikinis. But there is a time machine, and a lot of people nude and having the sex while not in their proper time periods, so it all works out in the end. Unless you are a bikini purist, in which case I’ll just have to ask you to leave.
Bikini Time Machine is smart in that it approaches time travels in an interesting format. No one physically travels through time. But their brain’s biorhythmic electrical impulses are sent to the past, which temporarily manifest themselves in physical form, so you can “interact” with the past. I put interact in quotes because thanks to a quirk in the time travel method, a side effect is time travel turns you incredibly incredibly horny, thus most visits leave only the time needed to have sex before the session ends. This is very convenient for a softcore movie! The machine is called a “Memory Experience Generator” by its inventor, Professor Wells. As all the time travelers are women until the very end, it is not mentioned if men would be similarly affected (and as that could have lead to some disturbing scenes if the film didn’t end where it did, it’s probably for the best.) The other thing related to time travel is the whole adventure is monitored by Professor Wells via a video monitor. For scientific purposes, of course!
You gotta get me outta here, pal! Spielberg has my whole family hostage, forcing us to make movies!
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Adjusting the space heater has never been more fun!
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Lady Chatterley’s Daughter
Lady Chatterley’s Daughter
aka Lady Chatterley’s Ghost
2011
Written and directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Juan Medina)
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Look, it’s a magical butterfly! Flap flap flap!
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Despite a few interesting touches, Lady Chatterley’s Daughter is slow going and takes too long to get to the plot, what little plot their is. It’s not absolutely terrible, but it’s part of a pedigree of of Bikini films that everyone admires, so higher standards must be held. In that end, Lady Chatterley’s Daughter fails to deliver an interesting story, and will more likely end up with late night Cinemax watchers asleep on the couch.
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This ain’t how you bust ghosts!
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As the well-worn tome shown during the opening credits attests, D.H. Lawrence’s 1928 book Lady Chatterley’s Lover has had quite an influence on erotic literature (and other erotica!) And now it will vaguely influence this film! Senator Reed Smoot said of the original work: “I’ve not taken ten minutes on Lady Chatterley’s Lover, outside of looking at its opening pages. It is most damnable! It is written by a man with a diseased mind and a soul so black that he would obscure even the darkness of hell!” Needless to say, it’s import was banned before being fought over in the courts (where the book and others like it prevailed in 1959 and was allowed to both be imported without censor and published in the US.)
Lady Chatterley’s Daughter marks some of the transition between Retromedia and Synthetic Filmwerx, as Retromedia still has the opening production company clip, but Synthetic Filmwerx’s name appears as well in the title credits.
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Talk to the hand, because the face is busy boning a ghost actress who haunts a book to save my marriage!
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Windows 8 requires a constant wifi connection to your post-it notes!
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Categories: Movie Reviews, Ugly Tags: bikini movie madness, Cassandra Cruz, Fred Olen Ray, Holly Sampson, Jessie Lunderby, Lesbians, Nick Manning, Randy Spears, softcore, Synthetic Filmwerx
The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad
The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad
2012
Written by Dean McKendrick
Directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Medina)
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Did I leave the Bikini Frankenstein machine on?
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Whenever there is trouble, and it is double (double-Ds, that is!), the Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad will be there! Three girls solve cases and bust bad guys while wearing outfits that will make you blush…if they bother to wear outfits, that is! Charlie may have his angels, but those films were terrible and let’s not even talk about the reboot series. The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad does more than just be a Charlie’s Angels knockoff with a title borrowed from a hit novelty song, it’s also a commentary on the decline of the Playboy enterprise.
The Tony Tefler character and the Playpen magazine and empire are clearly based on Hugh Hefner and Playboy (duh!), and they lampoon both Hef’s old age and his dalliances with a series of younger women (seen most famously on The Girls Next Door show, but also pretty famous without the show.) In the beginning, Hefner arose from his magazine creation beginnings to become a free speech advocate, largely due to photographing naked women being considered obscene in many parts of the US back in the furious 50s. Playboy grew into a classy and hip thing that world-minded trendy people read while listening to jazz and hosting serious parties where the civil rights movement and women’s lib were discussed by people in berets. At least that is how I imagine the 60s and 70s, though there was probably awesome music and piles of drugs. Playboy even had their own TV show.
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YOU vaccum the living room!
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But the rise of the moral majority, Reagan’s America, the resurgance of conservatism, it threw that hip stuff out the window. In addition, there was also the rise of pornography, in the 70s porn films were playing in mainstream art house theaters. Things came crashing down, the rise of the video culture and late night cable took some of the wind out of the sails. Playboy became replaced by men’s mags such as Maxim and their copycats in the 90s, while at the same time they were losing out online as porn became freely available with but a click and a lie about being over 18. Playboy lost the innovation it had, it’s place as the figurehead for a movement eclipsed.
Is there a place for classy pictures in the age of internet pornography? I’m sure there is, but by not getting ahead of the game, Playboy is fighting an uphill battle. The reality show boosted their stock more than anything recently, but that ended like all good things must. And with it, Playboy’s current cultural impact. It remains to be seen what the future of Playboy will hold, especially as Hefner clocks up there in years and will eventually clock out. Playboy always hold a fond memory for millions of pervs around the world. I remember even buying an issue of Playboy for the article, an interview with Jesse Ventura right after he was elected governor.
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On the guy’s shirt? Elvis!
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The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad hits all of the notes that critics of the Playboy brand have been hinting at. From the producer who wants to make more harder stuff, to the legions of ex-girlfriends of Hefner, to even Hef’s viagra usage, the points are all laid out. Fear not, as the film is not overly preachy, the Hefner character is even the victim, despite being portrayed in an unsympathetic light. If anything, that makes The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad more realistic than many episodes of Law & Order.
The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad is another Synthetic Filmwerx joint! Werx it if you got it.
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Occupy Teenie Weenie Bikini Street!
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This Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire remake is weird!
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