Tag Archives: Michelle Maylene

Hidden Treasures (Review)

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Hidden Treasures

Hidden Treasures
2013
Written by Tina Hawthorne
Directed by David Ashton

Hidden Treasures

Call me Poison Ivy because I basically am Poison Ivy.


Hidden Treasures is an interesting film, because the lead woman Elizabeth is manipulative over her former roommates/lovers, who eagerly go along with whatever weird junk she’s selling. They then drag their girlfriends into the mess, and commit a million sins that would end any relationship immediately. You have to take some of the scenes with a huge iceberg-sized grain of salt that anyone would go along with the shenanigans.

Initial premise aside, Hidden Treasures is an interesting “erotic thriller”, I use thriller because it’s not really any other category. We know Elizabeth is manipulative, but we don’t know how much, or if she’s even the most guilty party.

Hidden Treasures

I’m just gonna dig some shallow graves, nothing suspicious or anything!


Someone does know something about plants (I haven’t determined if Tina Hawthorne is the real name of the writer of the bulk of Mainline Releasing’s films), because in addition to some of the lingo straight out of wikipedia is some actual plant knowledge. Maybe it’s just watching this film while in the middle of reading a book that also has a character who mentions plants by their scientific names all the time (the book is Caliban’s War by James S.A. Corey), but I don’t really do that. But again, I can barely remember the common names for the different heirloom plants I have growing in my garden without saving the seed packets. It’s probably easier when you have someone you can talk plant shop with, but my wife and I are the only people we know who garden.

Sadie Katz’s character Cat is the plant enthusiast here, while Elizabeth Pierce’s father made his fortune in alternative medicine herbal plants and has a lush garden (tended by hunky gardener Jackson, who also knows a lot about plants.) Plants play into the plot with the characters continually talking about them. But there is also a bunch of missing jewels that Elizabeth’s late father somewhere on the property, which is the excuse she uses to bring in her old sex pals Mason and Chris. Judging by what happens next, its as if the characters are convinced the jewels are hidden on one of their bodies, because they keep getting naked and exploring around each other.

Hidden Treasures

Look, buddy, the title is a metaphor about relationships in addition to referring to the stashed away jewels!


It’s hard to break down Hidden Treasures because you have to believe that Cat and Rachel would put up with their idiot boyfriends dropping everything to go help out an old hot friend who they probably had lots of sex with. And neither girl is too pleased, Rachel is openly hostile, while Cat attempts to be positive but runs into interference from everyone, including her boyfriend Mason, but not Jackson. Hmmm…. But basically the lesson is don’t be a manipulative horror and don’t be manipulated by said horror.

Elizabeth Pierce (Michelle Maylene) – Elizabeth’s rich father just died and she gets two of her old lovers to come help her find missing secret jewels. She’s also sleeping with both of them and the gardener Jackson and her dad’s death is very very mysterious. See Michelle Maylene in Sexy Assassins, Cougar School, The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad, and Twilight Vamps Lust At First Bite
Cat (Sadie Katz) – Mason’s girlfriend who is dragged along to Elizabeth’s house, but is soon enthralled by all the rare and medicinal plants in the yard. Is not enthralled by Mason banging Elizabeth. Sadie Katz can also be seen in Birthday Sex. Credited here as Buffy Green.
Jackson (Chad White) – The gardener who has grown most of the rare plants at the house. Is also good at sewing his oats with two of the female cast members.
Mason (Seth Gamble) – Architect who is dating Cat, but is “friends” with Elizabeth from back when they were roomies. He is unfamiliar with common plant names and cares not to learn. Not a faithful man. What do you expect from someone named after a jar? Seth Gamble is also in Booty Hunter.
Chris (Ryan McLane) – Another of Elizabeth’s “friends” who spends his free time cheating on his girlfriend Rachel with Elizabeth. Yet he’s somehow the least worst of the two guys Elizabeth brings in. Ryan McLane is also in Naughty Reunion
Rachel (Alyssa Branch) – Chris’ girlfriend who is not happy with the weird scenario of bringing him and her to his old flame’s house, nor at her getting kicked out of rooms constantly by Elizabeth.
Cop (David Page) – He’s a cop!
Other Cop (???) – He’s also a cop!

Hidden Treasures

How could you take me to a house with a warped funhouse mirror??? Mom was right about you!


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Sexy Assassins

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Sexy Assassins


2012
Written by Tina Hawthorne
Directed by David Nichols

Sexy Assassins
The best art protection in town!

Mainline Releasing throws down with another softcore crime film, this time taking place in the world of assassins. It’s hard to be an assassin for hire, what with the murdering of people and the fact you have constant, constant sex (which one would think would get in the way of the murdering, but don’t worry, Sexy Assassins figured an out!) But it is nigh time that these valiant sexy assassins got their due in movie form.

If Sexy Assassins is anything, it’s a low-budget film that looks a lot less low-budget than you would think. MRG does not skimp on the cinematography, and while I wouldn’t call things overly creative, it is professionally shot and lit, looking theater-quality good. The lower budget shines through with the lack of characters and the fact no one seems to go out in public. Every room is obviously a room in someone’s house, be it the office of a hotel. In fact, some parts of this house I recall from other films where people are bumping uglies. Either that, or I’m starting to merge all these giant Hollywood mansions that get rented out into one super mansion. Which could also be the case.

Sexy Assassins is just a straightforward assassins trying to figure out who the traitor is plot, and as there are only so many characters, only so many can be guilty. Besides that, it’s most notable feature is the mirroring of the beginning and ending sex scene and its violent conclusion. While Justine Joli is smothering her target during the throws of passion, she comes off as powerful and in control, taking down a man who probably deserved it. When Jason Sarcinelli does the same to Michelle Maylene in the end, it comes out more disturbing, with shades of domestic violence. Even though we know that her character Serena tried to kill both Sarcinelli and Joli’s characters. She’s guilty and has been seen doing so in the film, and possibly will be killing Sarcinelli seconds later. Yet it just feels weird, because he’s obviously so much more powerful than her. Also SPOILERS!

Sexy Assassins
Please don’t read this screencap, it is classified. Thank you.

Justine Joli’s sex is very into it as opposed to Michelle Maylene’s more laid back and talking sex enjoyment. Both of the actresses are primed to be more vocal and pornographic in their performances, which give more enthusiastic life the proceedings as things become raw passion. Sex seems a matter of life and death in importance, and it literally is!

While Sexy Assassins looks cool, the disturbing end just throws a big damper on the whole thing. It becomes more of a snuff film, or those old roughies where the sexy was usually ended with heinous violence as a substitution for sexual release. Your enjoyment depends on just how you respond to such things. Despite that, I like the Tina Hawthorne/David Nichols team (assuming those aren’t just pseudonyms for the same person!), they brought us Naughty Reunion and their films go over a bit of emotional things that other softcores don’t bother with.

Layla Clapton (Justine Joli) – A sexy assassin that is one of the few people who can wear an “Everything I kill I fuck” shirt non-ironically. Soon finds out the sexy assassin business might be a bit more treacherous than it seems. Layla Clapton, eh? Where is her sister, Tears In Heaven Domino?
Serena (Michelle Maylene) – Layla’s secretary, who claims to believe Layla’s cover story as a security consultant, but secretly knows the score, and is looking for a score of her own! Michelle Maylene can also be seen in Cougar School, The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad, and Twilight Vamps Lust At First Bite
Max Houser (Jason Sarcinelli) – A simple messenger, or a master sexy assassin? Well, this isn’t called Sexy Messengers! Hired to kill Layla, but knows bigger things will happen if things change.
Damon (Michael O’Sullivan) – Layla’s manager who gives her new assignments and handles the business side of things. But he’s a businessman first and a loyal businessman second.
Mason (Spencer Houston Hill) – Layla’s tech guy who takes care of the computer things, does hacking,, fingerprint ID, all that fun stuff. In exchange, he does fun stuff with Layla.
Sexy Assassins
She handcuffed me and then stole the frame from the painting!

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The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad

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The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad


2012
Written by Dean McKendrick
Directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Medina)

Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad
Did I leave the Bikini Frankenstein machine on?

Whenever there is trouble, and it is double (double-Ds, that is!), the Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad will be there! Three girls solve cases and bust bad guys while wearing outfits that will make you blush…if they bother to wear outfits, that is! Charlie may have his angels, but those films were terrible and let’s not even talk about the reboot series. The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad does more than just be a Charlie’s Angels knockoff with a title borrowed from a hit novelty song, it’s also a commentary on the decline of the Playboy enterprise.

The Tony Tefler character and the Playpen magazine and empire are clearly based on Hugh Hefner and Playboy (duh!), and they lampoon both Hef’s old age and his dalliances with a series of younger women (seen most famously on The Girls Next Door show, but also pretty famous without the show.) In the beginning, Hefner arose from his magazine creation beginnings to become a free speech advocate, largely due to photographing naked women being considered obscene in many parts of the US back in the furious 50s. Playboy grew into a classy and hip thing that world-minded trendy people read while listening to jazz and hosting serious parties where the civil rights movement and women’s lib were discussed by people in berets. At least that is how I imagine the 60s and 70s, though there was probably awesome music and piles of drugs. Playboy even had their own TV show.

Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad
YOU vaccum the living room!

But the rise of the moral majority, Reagan’s America, the resurgance of conservatism, it threw that hip stuff out the window. In addition, there was also the rise of pornography, in the 70s porn films were playing in mainstream art house theaters. Things came crashing down, the rise of the video culture and late night cable took some of the wind out of the sails. Playboy became replaced by men’s mags such as Maxim and their copycats in the 90s, while at the same time they were losing out online as porn became freely available with but a click and a lie about being over 18. Playboy lost the innovation it had, it’s place as the figurehead for a movement eclipsed.

Is there a place for classy pictures in the age of internet pornography? I’m sure there is, but by not getting ahead of the game, Playboy is fighting an uphill battle. The reality show boosted their stock more than anything recently, but that ended like all good things must. And with it, Playboy’s current cultural impact. It remains to be seen what the future of Playboy will hold, especially as Hefner clocks up there in years and will eventually clock out. Playboy always hold a fond memory for millions of pervs around the world. I remember even buying an issue of Playboy for the article, an interview with Jesse Ventura right after he was elected governor.

Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad
On the guy’s shirt?  Elvis!

The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad hits all of the notes that critics of the Playboy brand have been hinting at. From the producer who wants to make more harder stuff, to the legions of ex-girlfriends of Hefner, to even Hef’s viagra usage, the points are all laid out. Fear not, as the film is not overly preachy, the Hefner character is even the victim, despite being portrayed in an unsympathetic light. If anything, that makes The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad more realistic than many episodes of Law & Order.

The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad is another Synthetic Filmwerx joint! Werx it if you got it.

Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad
Occupy Teenie Weenie Bikini Street!

Sandy Banner (Brandin Rackley) – The main investigator of The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad, Sandy will always get her man in the end, even if it means he gets her in the end first!
Jasmine St. James (Michelle Maylene) – The youngest member of the squad who is an expert at under cover and being under the covers. Becomes strangely excited about her undercover model career.
Nikki Resnick (Kylee Nash) – The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad member most likely to believe Weekly World News headlines. Yeah, I made a reference to a dead publication in a review of a movie that mocks another dying publication. It’s called “being awesome”!
Benny (Mike Gaglio) – The boss of the Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad, and a real slave driver. Benny needs to learn that there is a time for work and a time for vacation.
Tef (Ted Newsom) – Tony “Tef” Tefler, owner of Playpen magazine and noted scumbag. But he’s a scumbag with money and bad things are happening against him, so he’s the client. Cue “The Client” appearing below his picture ala Burn Notice. I have said it before, and will say it again: Ted Newsom rules.
Laura (Kelli McCarty) – Tef’s top photographer, former Playpen girl, and former flame. She both despises her former lover and wishes she had his attention again.
Mo (Beverly Lynne) – All the best bartenders are named Mo(e). Another former Tef flame and Playpen girl who now works in an out of the way part of his empire, and is unacknowledged to her resentment.
Frank Devlin (Evan Stone) – The jerk who manages the Playpen Club. He’s desperate to escape his contract with Tef to start his own hardcore company, but he’s stuck tight. Unless Playpen goes under…
Rico Martinez (Tony Marino) – Oh. That guy.
Burt (Nick Manning) – Frank’s goon who does his breaking and entering work. Also does entering work for explicit videos. High five, that was a joke worthy of an ALF rerun!
Dancer (Jade Starr) – Are we human, or are we dancer?
Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad
This Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire remake is weird!

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Cougar School

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Cougar School


2009
Written by Ellis Walkerson
Directed by Demitri Nessun

Great, I forgot my Cougar Trigonometry homework again…

There is a lot going on Cougar School beyond just your normal late night Cinemax softcore romp. How much of that is intentional and how much of it just sprung up out of my head is probably up to debate. But it’s going to get covered here regardless, because that’s how we roll at TarsTarkas.NET! Cougar School gets the term in its name from the older woman who date much younger men. But there is only one cougar in Cougar School, and she’s more of a cougar gold digger, looking for young rich men. Of course, this is due to an age issue of its own, she was dumped by her husband for a younger woman. Even more ironically, the Stepmom was herself the younger woman that broke up the husband’s prior marriage.

One interesting thing is actresses who are real life porn starlets degrading characters who are porn starlets in the film. The characters seem like they’ve become mouthpieces denouncing the very thing the actors saying the statements are. The association isn’t that having sex for money is bad, but being unselective in who you have sex with for money is the problem. Going out and seducing millionaires is better than being a porn star, and you can only seduce millionaires of a certain age limit, as Mammary Lane is also degraded for her attempted marriage to an 85 year old. It is an unspoken rule that you can’t be too greedy. There is a line, an invisible line, that must not be crossed. Mammary Lane crosses this line, and she must be punished. It isn’t about strict morals, it’s about going to far.

Before we begin, we need to chalk it up…

Stepmom doesn’t even get a name in the entire film. She doesn’t even need a name, she becomes a concept, beyond the person. She’s everyone’s stepmom, everyone’s gold digger, everyone’s cougar. She’s everyone who’s had to struggle, but had one asset that landed them on easy street, with the constant fear that they might go back to scraping and struggling. She’s also sympathetic, especially when compared to the new gold digger in town. The one painted as bad, because instead of enjoying her new found wealth she plans on squandering it. It’s responsible cougarism that is the goal here. While the film doesn’t try to paint Stepmom as an angel (Karen flatly states that she broke up her parents’ marriage), Mammary Lane is clearly the villain. Stepmom has the wisdom of time guiding her to a more moral choice, while Mammary Lane is still in the trenches, stabbing everything she can. The air of some sort of moral class warfare hangs heavy over Cougar School. What is the lesson that we should learn from class? And can anyone pay attention with all the naked nudity???

How do you like my Picasso Tic-Tac-Toe painting?

While writer Ellis Walkerson has no other credits, director Demitri Nessun is credited with some episodes of Co-Ed Confidential and the humorous softcore thriller Naked Lust, which has gotten some positive reviews, making it stand above its generic title. Nessun seems like he’s unwilling to just give us a standard boring flick, and wants to do more. What is also interesting is this might be a spinoff of the softcore series Co-Ed Confidential, as both Michelle Maylene and Brandon Ruckdashel play characters with the same name on that show.

They invested all their money in Bitcoins. Even we aren’t that desperate!

Karen (Michelle Maylene) – Young college student still finding her way in the world, but pretty sure the way she wants isn’t the way to the poorhouse. But will the way of love be stronger? Or will the way of the cougar be too much of a lure? Is dating Zack at the beginning of the flick, when she finds out her father is leaving her Stepmom for an awful woman.
Karen’s Stepmom (Sydnee Steele) – Stepmom broke up Karen’s parents’ marriage, but now is facing her husband running off with another woman. I think Justin Timberlake had a song about this… In any event, in order to secure her future, Stepmom must now bag a young rich stud. Or try to repair her marriage. Whatever’s sexier!
Zack (Brandon Ruckdashel) – Remember in National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation when Clark put up a bajillion bulbs on the outside of his house? Well, imagine which one of those is the dimmest and you get Zack. Good natured, Zack won’t be the latest dotcom mogul, but he does love Karen.
Mammary Lane (Persia Pele) – Former porn star turned home-wrecking gold digger. She was going to marry an 85yr old billionaire, but he died at the altar. Now she has her eyes set on Karen’s Dad….’s pocketbook! Unless she can land a bigger fish!
Karen’s Father (Randy Spears) – Karen’s totally stable good influence father, who keeps running off with upgrade wives. This time he’s gone too far.
Susan (India Summer) – Karen’s friend from way back in her camper lesbian experimentation days. Susan needs a place to stay, and Karen is happy to oblige on the final days before they get kicked out as well.
Juan (Jarod Diamond) – Susan’s ex-boyfriend, though they seem to have feelings for each other. Will these two lovebirds get back together?
Hi, I’m here to deliver a cease and desist on behalf of all cougars everywhere…

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Twilight Vamps Lust At First Bite (Review)

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Twilight Vamps Lust At First Bite


2010
Directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Medina)

It’s another Fred Olen Ray Bikini softcore flick! This one is also layered in the SciFi motif as we got Twilight Vamps, which totally is not cashing in on Twilight at all. Okay, maybe some. Sort of like the ocean has some water. Vampires are big business right now, and thanks to shows like True Blood, are also big sexy business right now. So you know that the softcore genre is going to come a-knocking!

What is me on a Tuesday morning at work doing in this film?

What we got is a squad of vampire strippers who enjoy sucking men….sucking their blood! They also do the other sucking. And because making guys with lots of disposable cash show up mysteriously dead and all connected to the same nightclub doesn’t arouse any suspicion from the police in this town, the girls are free to operate as they see fit. Until one day, a down on his luck guy takes the fall for one of their dinners and fights back.

Twilight Vamps features a number of original songs during the long pole dancing segments. A group called Nimbus performs the songs All is Calm and Liar Pt. 2, while The Erotics perform Agony and Xtacy and Push Comes to Death.

Jack (Frankie Cullen) – Jack is just a nice guy who works hard and finishes last all the time. Damn stupid saying, why you gotta make Jack finish last? Jack bucks the trend with this vampire adventure and becomes a hero. Bikini Frankenstein, Bikini Airways, and Cleavagefield
Tabitha (Brandin Rackley) – The head vampire woman at Shadows. She also takes a shine to Jack, though the short term pleasure leads to a long term undoing of her vampire murder/robbery empire. Brandin Rackley is also a photographer in addition to appearing in Cleavagefield and Bikini Frankenstein. She also stops by blogs written by goofballs on the internet from time to time.
Angela (Christine Nguyen) – Another vampire chick from the vampire club, who sinks her fangs into Roger and makes a withdrawal. She also helps Jack while he is in jail, in exchange for him helping her. Christine Nguyen rocks our socks off in these films also reviewed on TarsTarkas.NET: Super Ninja Doll, Bikini Girls from the Lost Planet, Girl with the Sex-Ray Eyes, Tarzeena: Jiggle in the Jungle, Ghost in a Teeny Bikini, Voodoo Dollz: Lust Potion #9, Bikini Royale, and Bikini Frankenstein.
Louise (Beverly Lynne) – Louise is Jack’s live-in girlfriend who doesn’t spend much time at home except to ask for money. She’s to busy banging everything with a vagina. She also disappears halfway through the film. But thanks to her scenes we can add the “Lesbians” tag proudly! Beverly Lynne is a softcore megastar who has been seen on TarsTarkas.NET in such classics as Voodoo Dollz: Lust Potion #9, Bikini Royale, Super Ninja Doll
Amanda (Ashley West) – A non-surgery enhanced member of the vampire harem. Amanda has sex and has lesbian sex. That’s about it for her character, except for the giant D tattoo on her back. But since she’s credited as Ashley and playing Amanda, the D doesn’t seem to make sense. I now guess it stands for “Da Vampire!” Yes, I am overthinking an actress’s tattoo in a Bikini film. That’s how we roll on TarsTarkas.NET!
Roger (Billy Chappell as Tony Marino) – Jack’s coworker who steals from the internet. He was caught because his annual budget review was really just our review of Lady Black Cat with “$5,000,000” search-and-replaced over “Connie Chan”. For shame, Roger! He gets twilight vampired to death! Tony Marino also pops up in Bikini Frankenstein. I am suspecting but not positive he is also actor Todd Senofonte.
Detective Simpson (Ted Newsom) – Simpson, eh? Another of our chair moisteners from sector 7G! Detective Simpson gives Jack a hard time over Roger’s murder because it’s easier than actually doing police work. Ted Newsom has been seen before in Bikini Frankenstein, Super Ninja Doll, Ghost in a Teeny Bikini, Bikini Girls from the Lost Planet, Bewitched Housewives, and Bikini Royale
Cartwright (Ron Ford) – Jack and Roger’s boss at work. His job is to tell people that they need to work better. Ron Ford returns from Bikini Frankenstein, this time wearing another goofy mustache!
Tammy (Michelle Maylene) – Tammy is one of Louise’s lesbian pals. Michelle Maylene has handled more bones than a skeleton in over 80 films like Struggling Bare Breasted Prisoners, Stuff My Hot Pink Oven, Ruthless Restraint for Costume Captives!, and The Da Vinci Load.
Kyra (Jenaveve Jolie) – Kyra is another of Louise’s lesbian pals. Jenaveve Jolie has gushed more fluids than a busted oil rig in 318 films such as She’s Ticklish Everywhere, Tales from the Gloryhole, I Like to Chloroform Girls!, and Face Invaders. Did you notice both of the real porn stars have alliterate names?
Goth Dancer (Valerie K. Garcia) – She serves drinks, she dances, she is never mentioned as being a vampire. She’s also in the opening credits stills, providing the best photo! Don’t be blue…unless you’re a Smurf! Valerie K. Garcia was a slave girl in Princess of Mars, and also shows up playing the guitar in Mega Python vs. Gatoroid.
It stinks!

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