Screenplay by Tony Kayden
Story by Bill Bauer
Directed by Steven Lisberger
Ever wonder what would happen if Mad Max was set in a world of airplanes instead of junk cars? As directed by the director of Tron? Well, you obviously have some sort of mental illness and should talk to a professional therapist, I’m just a guy who watches bad movies. Odd as it may be, your bizarre craving has been provided, and stars Mark Hamill and Bill Paxton to boot! Bob Peck from Jurassic Park appears as the Data-ish character, While Mark Hamill is a feared bounty hunter/cop named Tasker. Bill Paxton plays Bill Paxton, here named Matt Owens. Paxton has fought Aliens, Predators, tornadoes, and Terminators, but here he has his greatest challenge: acting with giant hair. My Lord that’s a big mullet. Giganto-mullet. It must be aerodynamic, helps with the airplane flying or something. Maybe he uses it as a hang glider or parachute in case of air trouble. Big hair, bad movie, actors from both Star Wars and Star Trek (hello F. Murray Abraham!) and Harry Potter (Robbie Coltrane!) make this a genre melting extravaganza. Oh, almost forgot–they filmed in Turkey! Our friend Turkey, well known at TarsTarkas.NET from their numerous additions to crazy film libraries, provides background sites and extras. Set up your prop plane to go for a ride on the Slipstream…
It’s the future! The world has been so environmentally messed up that at the turn of the century the whole thing started destroying itself, earthquakes split continents and floods were everywhere, then a river of wind wiped the whole thing clean. This river of wind is called the Slipstream. It is not to be confused with Starscream, the traitorous lieutenant of Megatron from the Transformers. Starscream guest stars on Beast Wars, but Slipstream will never guest star on anything, even Beast Machines. The lines about “split continents” is so they can use location shots from all over the world without bothering to explain how they are so close together. As well as the foreign extras, noticeably from Turkey. Heck, the whole “Slipstream” concept is so weak we probably didn’t even need it in the movie. They talk about “riding the slipstream” to save on gas, but fail to explain how they are doing it both ways. I think someone’s favorite part of Mad Max: Roadwarrior was the gyro captain, and wanted a movie full of them. With Mark Hamill. Not a bad goal in life. Director Steven Lisberger (who made the brilliant Tron and not much else of consequence) has his world set up, but seemed to run out of money halfway through, as we’ll soon see.
Weird aircraft fly in the air, oddly shaped because they are different designs of light aircraft, for one or two people, and made to be as portable and light as possible. The craft we focus on is chasing a suited man on the rocky terrain below, including a shot that looks remarkably like a shot from North by Northwest. If you are going to steal, steal from the best. That’s the motto of Slipstream, though it concludes”yet still put together a mess!” The suited man is harpooned in the arm by Mark Hamill. Harpooned meaning Hamill is armed with a grappling hook/harpoon looking weapon that I’ll just be calling a harpoon. Mark Hamill is a cop named Will Tasker, who still looks like Mark Hamill despite being bleach blonde with a full beard. We’ll just call him Mark Hamill, because he’s typecast anyway. After all, you can only make so many “Does she have any job duties? Well, let’s Task Her!” jokes. Mark Hamill is partnered with a no nonsense female partner Belitski. Belitski? Did Dr. Seuss name her? Together they take the suited man played by Bob Peck back to the local settlement, what looks like a trailer park and a local diner.
GRRR! The cast of the new Star Wars film has been announced:
Actors John Boyega, Daisy Ridley, Adam Driver, Oscar Isaac, Andy Serkis, Domhnall Gleeson, and Max von Sydow will join the original stars of the saga, Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher, Mark Hamill, Anthony Daniels, Peter Mayhew, and Kenny Baker in the new film.
Which means it’s time to write a bajillion “thinkpieces” about how this cast is great and I’ve totally heard of all these actors, especially the ones who haven’t been in anything, but also the cast sucks donkey balls because it’s not the dream team or diverse cast I wanted. Where’s my American Indian Jedi at?
Now, I’m not saying there aren’t a few immediate problems with this cast. There’s only one female listed in the new crew, and one black guy. But the most important thing is we know nothing about who they are playing or the plot, so all these new people could just be cameo roles in favor of the old school crew, they could be the new stars who the film will lean heavily on, or they could be the younger versions of characters different actors will play later. Anyone could be the villain (Driver was long rumored) or villains, Serkis is probably a whole pack of weird CGI things, and someone might even be gay! (but probably not…)
Still, it would be cool to have two ladies and not just Daisy Ridley. It would be cool to have two black guys and not just John Boyega (where the heck is Lando???) It would be cool if this film was already made so we could be spared two years of articles that make this article look like a shining example of genius. Let the plot rumors and angry nerd screeds swirl around, I’ll be dodging them with my Jedi skills and wait for either something official, or something from the few people who give accurate spoilers despite Abrams’ mystery box.
It does stand to reason that either Boyega or Ridley will be the main stars among the younger crew (their names are listed first for some reason…) Which means the leads of a big budget blockbuster will either be a black guy who isn’t Will Smith (or his kid) or a woman. Or both. Sadly, that’s better than a huge chunk of blockbuster films.
As regular readers of TarsTarkas.NET know, we don’t jump into the casting rumor hype game that often. Partially because for many films there is a new rumor every day (that’s then debunked within hours), and partially because if I’m going to fish for pageviews, I’d like to write about what I want to write about, and not chase the latest pre-debunked rumor that Johnny Depp is rumored to play Jabba’s Butt in Star Wars 9. Which he would be terrible at! But we’re making an exception here because it’s Star Wars and I like doing sort of meta-topics that turn out to be less meta than I hoped when they’re all done. It’s either that, or join the new cottage industry of writing articles about just who in the heck Daisy Ridley is!
So that’s it for now, stay tuned for the next time a major news event happens when I have free time during lunch and can write a bit! If you have some Very Strong Opinions, feel free to share them below, that’s what the internet is for!
Also Lawrence Kasdan is in that photo, which is awesome.
Star Wars Holiday Special
Not a movie, but easily the most bootlegged video in the galaxy, and also easily makes Episode I look like Citizen Kane. Heck, it makes Turkish Star Wars look like Citizen Kane! No small feat, to say the least. This relic from the seventies is ripe with long, trippy musical sequences that would bore any child into submission. The regulars from Star Wars act as though they were carved from floorboards minutes before the cameras started rolling, a few of who are also full of more drugs than East Hollywood. Guest stars litter the special, some annoying (Art Carney) and some terrifying (Harvey Korman) and Bea Arthur, who should have known better. The holiday we are celebrating is “Life Day” and is a Wookiee holiday, the plot of the special involves getting Chewbacca home in time to see his family. Would our only exposure to Star Wars be this project, we would all be cheering for the Emperor to execute all the rebels and display their heads on the hood of his private shuttle. This is bad. Real bad. Mean bad. Watching this is a war. Not a Star War, a Nuclear War, and the Fallout and Waste is what is left of your brain at the end.