Tag Archives: Lorenzo Lamas

Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus (Review)

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Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus


2009
Directed by Ace Hannah (who may or may not be Jack Perez)

Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus exploded on the internet with a title. Buzz grew, because, what a title! Then production art and a few stills appeared, and finally, a trailer that became a viral hit. So here it is! As the film is from The Asylum, who has become famous in recent years due to their mockbusters (such as Transmorphers, Dragon, and The Terminators) which have a sketchy history, thus people were wondering if they could pull of a film with a title as great as Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus. I am happy to say the film is not terrible. It is not boring. It could be better, but it is very good considering. There are plenty of ridiculous scenes, and they make the movie.

Why bother writing a big opening statement when everyone just wants to get to the monster action? So let’s get it on! The rumble in the jung—ocean. The motion in the ocean? Who cares, giant monsters fight each other and destroy things! Rock!


Dr. Emma MacNeil (Deborah Gibson) – Marine biologist, oceanographer, minisub pilot, and dedicated researcher who discovers the truth about a giant shark attacking things. And also about a giant octopus. If you don’t know who Debbie Gibson is, you are either way younger than me, or way older.
Dr. Lamar Sanders (Sean Lawlor) – Is Irish, but not named O’Sanders. Dr. Emma MacNeil’s mentor, and also a brilliant researcher in the field of Kool Aid mixing.
Dr. Seiji Shimada (Vic Chao) – Dr. Shimada is a Japanese scientist who is the one who uncovers the giant octopus attacks on his home country, along with working with overseas colleagues to find out two monsters are on the loose. He also gets to be Debbie Gibson’s lover, smashing Asian male stereotypes upside the head. Vic Chao has an amusing IMDB page and was on American Gladiators. He spends most of the film channeling George Takei.
Allan Baxter (Lorenzo Lamas) – Allan Baxter is a jerk and an equal opportunity racist. He works for the government, so you pay his salary. He heads the government’s task force to destroy the monsters. Lorenzo Lamas does a good job playing a complete jackoff.
Mega Shark (CGI) – Mega Shark is a Megalodon who is frozen in ice while battling his mortal enemy, giant octopus. Mega shark likes to eat bridges, jump out of the ocean and bite airliners, snack on submarines, and especially to destroy battleships.
Giant Octopus (CGI) – A giant octopus who was also trapped in ice. The giant tentacled monster heads towards Japan (no surprise), destroys oil rigs, looks at people, swats jets, and toys around with submarines. Fights his mortal enemy mega shark to the death.


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Raptor Island

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Raptor Island


2004
Starring
Lorenzo Lamas as Hacket
Steven Bauer as Azir
Hayley DuMond as Jamie Cole
Michael Cory Davis as Marcus
Peter Jason as The Captain

Sci-Fi Channel has aired some stinkers. I know that, you know that, TarsTarkas.NET knows that in spades. Even with some of the junk they air, most of the films have a few redeeming points, money shots, or one or two enjoyable scenes. Sometimes, such as Frankenfish, the movie is actually very enjoyable. Usually, it’s 90% junk. Once in a while, a movie comes along….a movie of such caliber….that 100% junk does not do it justice. Raptor Island is well over 8696843% junk, and still climbing. You can take that to the bank, after all, I am a scientist. Much of the junk in Raptor Island is so bad there isn’t words to describe it. It’s terrible. Terrible. TERRIBLE! There is nothing redeeming about this film. From Lorenzo Lamas being out acted by rocks and trees, to CGI monsters so badly rendered a kid with crayolas would do better, to action sequences involving people standing still shooting while their targets stand still and take fire. You won’t believe the origin of the raptors. I’d rather watch the Toronto Raptors trapped on an island than see this film again. You couldn’t pay me to watch it again, and I’ve seen Manos two dozen times. There cannot possibly be a worse Sci-Fi Channel movie than this one. Read on, if you dare…



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