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Bikini Time Machine (Review)

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Bikini Time Machine

aka Rewind Time Machine
Bikini Time Machine
2011
Written and directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Juan Medina)

Bikini Time Machine

I traveled through time and now my period is all messed up!


Bikini Time Machine says it all, except no one is in bikinis. But there is a time machine, and a lot of people nude and having the sex while not in their proper time periods, so it all works out in the end. Unless you are a bikini purist, in which case I’ll just have to ask you to leave.

Bikini Time Machine is smart in that it approaches time travels in an interesting format. No one physically travels through time. But their brain’s biorhythmic electrical impulses are sent to the past, which temporarily manifest themselves in physical form, so you can “interact” with the past. I put interact in quotes because thanks to a quirk in the time travel method, a side effect is time travel turns you incredibly incredibly horny, thus most visits leave only the time needed to have sex before the session ends. This is very convenient for a softcore movie! The machine is called a “Memory Experience Generator” by its inventor, Professor Wells. As all the time travelers are women until the very end, it is not mentioned if men would be similarly affected (and as that could have lead to some disturbing scenes if the film didn’t end where it did, it’s probably for the best.) The other thing related to time travel is the whole adventure is monitored by Professor Wells via a video monitor. For scientific purposes, of course!

Bikini Time Machine

You gotta get me outta here, pal! Spielberg has my whole family hostage, forcing us to make movies!


Lara Clayton (Joslyn James) – Owner of the Lost Cafe, surprise recipient of a huge lease bill or else she’ll lose the place. Her desperate attempts to fix the problem are foiled by J.B. Watergate and his son Teddy, until she gets the final laugh.
Sara (Kylee Nash) – Waitress at the Lost Cafe who gets involved in the time travel fun. Easy going and doesn’t like jerks. Bathtub enthusiast, friend of hippies.
Professor Wells (Michael Gaglio) – Professor who has invented time travel via projecting your brainwaves into the past in solid form. Hires young ladies to do just that, while he observes their adventures. Is fired for his radical research, but that doesn’t stop him. Obviously named after H.G. Wells, writer of The Time Machine
Teddy Watergate (TJ Cummings) – Spoiled son of J.B. Watergate, hired by his dad to foil Lara’s attempts to pay off her lease. Feels a little bit guilty, but not guilty enough.
J.B. Watergate (Ted Newsom) – Ruthless businessman owner of a chain of nudie bars and property all around LA. Wants to put in even more nudie bars, especially one where the Lost Cafe is.
Purvis (Trish Cook) – J.B. Watergate’s assistant who helps him deliver his lease announcement against the Lost Cafe and warns him that they might still come up with the money.
Kandy (Jenna Presley) – Student of Professor Wells who is time traveled to the castle, and has sex with the Princess. Which means she has one up on that chump Mario!
Dean Potter (Sal V. Miers) – Professor Well’s furious boss who enjoys firing people in ways that probably violate school policy.
Ken (Tony Marino) – Oh, that guy.
Hippy (Nick Manning) – Just a far out guy who scoped a groovy chick who appeared in his bedroom one fine day. After freeing their love, the choice chick peaced out and our hero is left to wonder if he was wigging out.
Princess (Sarah Vandella) – Just your normal 1780s princess sitting around waiting to have lesbian sex with time travelers.
Marcia the Masseuse (Tasha Reign) – Teddy’s masseuse is more than masseuse.

Bikini Time Machine

Adjusting the space heater has never been more fun!


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Busty Housewives of Beverly Hills

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Busty Housewives of Beverly Hills

Busty Housewives of Beverly Hills
2012
Written by Dean McKendrick
Directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Medina)

Busty Housewives of Beverly Hills

When will us busty housewives get to bust a move?


While I usually am gung ho for the Fred Olen Ray films, Busty Housewives of Beverly Hills left a sour taste in my mouth. During the film, the main character hypnotizes a female character and essentially rapes her, and causes her to be raped several other times. It’s all played as “magical control” where the woman suddenly becomes super horny and can’t help herself. But it is rape. And that’s not cool, nor does it make Busty Housewives of Beverly Hills a fun film to watch with your significant other.

There is a group of people who enjoy scenes where women are brainwashed or hypnotized or drugged into becoming incredibly horny and thus needing sex right this instant. Some of it undoubtedly spurs from the time-honored tradition of going out, getting drunk, and getting laid. With a little alcohol in their system, inhibitions drop. All of the depictions feature women who are enthusiastic about the sex they are about to do no under their entire free will. There is an undercurrent that all these women would be banging left and right if they could, so these effects just let them do what they want to do. Others seem into it because it is a form of humiliation of the woman, that she somehow deserves to have sex with random guys because she has lots of sex anyways. That points to a deeper problem, and much more disturbing. Now, this is fiction, no one is actually being raped, and fantasies are fine as long as they are fantasies. Some fantasies I can do without seeing depicted in the media I consume.

It’s not the first time this scenario has shown up in a Fred Olen Ray film – Bikini Jones features a scene where she’s essentially drugged, a character in Bikini Pirates is possessed by a ghost and gets it on, Tanya X in The Girl from B.I.K.I.N.I. is literally drugged and raped, and the female characters in Housewives From Another World are all taken over by time-traveling aliens and essentially consumed(murdered) by them. All of these scenarios are terrible, and though you can try to argue excuses for some of them, they are what they are. They do make things unenjoyable, and I am at the point where I don’t want to watch them anymore. I was heartened because of something that happens in 2013’s The Super Sex Program that throws these on their ear, so maybe things are changing.

Busty Housewives of Beverly Hills

They really shouldn’t have split The Hobbit into 37 different films…


Busty Housewives of Beverly Hills not only has a rapist main character, but almost every character is a bad person. It’s a weird movie where the only somewhat decent character is a hired killer. Most characters are scummy and excuse their bad behavior, while Carmine the killer is honest about being a bad person. That doesn’t save him from suffering the same fate as many of the other characters, frozen in place for an unknown time period. Their ultimate fate unknown, as Dave Nelson and his wife leave to be miserable elsewhere. While Busty Housewives of Beverly Hills seems like it’s making a stand against mindless consumerism, that point is lost beneath the layers of terrible behavior.

Doug Nelson (Eric Masterson) – Former famous traveling hypnotist turned jaded psychic, who soon inherits a big house in Beverly Hills that turns out to be just as problematic as not having a big house. He’s also big into hypnotizing women to have sex with him.
Kate Nelson (Kelli McCarty) – Used to be an actress, now he’s jut a washed up pretend psychic working with her washed up pretend psychic husband, dreaming of her glory years and wishing she had piles of cash to blow on useless junk.
Patricia (Beverly Lynne) – Cranky spoiled housewife of Peter who spends all her time talking down to everyone, especially her new favorite target, Doug. Ends up hypnotized and then teaming up with a hired killer.
Peter (Ted Newsom) – Tycoon in the oil business, because you can’t have Beverly Hills without oil. Unless it’s 90210, which I don’t think has oil. They did have the Peach Pit, which is like oil. Okay, maybe it’s not like oil, but let’s pretend it is like oil. Pretending is fun!
George Hemwell (Billy Chappell as Tony Marino) – Oh. That guy.
Amy Hemwell (Kylee Nash) – George’s wife, who is usually falling out of her dress. Was even going to sleep with Doug until he turned out to be a blackmailer! Probably the most well-rounded of the characters despite being amoral.
Carmine (Evan Stone) – Killer hired by George to take out Doug Nelson, except he goes to the wrong house and gets involved with Patricia. Despite being a murdered and becoming an unwilling rapist, he’s a pretty decent guy who helps unravel the mess going on.
Griswald (Michael Gaglio) – Friend of Doug’s late aunt, who is also teaching Doug a lesson. Dough is one of those people who needs like 1000 lessons, so Griswald is going to be busy for a long while…

Busty Housewives of Beverly Hills

Worst OKCupid date ever!


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Busty Coeds vs. Lusty Cheerleaders

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Busty Coeds vs. Lusty Cheerleaders


2011
Written by Steve Goldenberg
Directed by Jim Wynorski (as Sam Pepperman)

Busty Coeds vs Lusty Cheerleaders
With a Double-D for an extra dose of killing you Deadd!

The tagline for Aliens vs. Predators was “Whoever wins, we lose!” One could argue that the tagline for Busty Coeds vs. Lusty Cheerleaders could be “Whoever wins, we win!” Busty Coeds vs. Lusty Cheerleaders is another of the late night Cinemax classics that gave the network the nickname Skinimax. It’s also another feature from fab B-movie director Jim Wynorski (here directed as Sam Pepperman!) Wynorski never shines so bright as when he’s directing smut, and Busty Coeds vs. Lusty Cheerleaders is filled with camera tricks and creative narrative editing that you rarely see in cheaply made farce. It also makes a lot of his SyFy fare look bland by comparison.

Busty Coeds vs. Lusty Cheerleaders is a fun tale that’s about as realistic as those before-mentioned SyFy flicks. The Scholastic Hottie of the Year Contest is set up as some sort of reality show-styled event – but without cameras capturing all the action. Don’t worry, the film makes up for it with Angie’s narration, explaining everything as we go and even commenting upon action happening onscreen. The light-hearted tone help make BCxLC merry entertainment. I admit I don’t watch as much of Wynorski’s flicks as others, but his softcore films are often lively and witty. And believe me, we’ve seen some boring stinkers!

Busty Coeds vs Lusty Cheerleaders
Check out my levitation powers!

From the B-movie Vs. title, we know that things will be treated with a sense of humor. BCxLC lampoons the cutthroat world of reality tv shows and pageant contests by displaying all the bribing, back stabbing, and general bitterness that goes on. But because we know it’s all a fantasy, it’s okay to end things on a high note. While being a mirror, it isn’t a broken mirror, and luckily BCxLC keeps itself separated from heading into dark territory.

Visual candy includes character pages, biographies, repeated breaking of the fourth wall, picture within picture for commentary, a laugh track, flashbacks and flashsideways, and answers to what happens to our heroes after the big event. The underwater camera usage is rare itself for these low budget flicks (though I think a few older, higher budgeted productions have used it before), and it increases the quality tenfold. While many of these films can begin to blur together (both due to repeated use of actresses, sets, and even tone), anything that helps distinguish is good. If BCxLC shows up on your late night cable TV schedule and you aren’t completely tired yet, it’s worth checking out.

Busty Coeds vs Lusty Cheerleaders
Directly ripped off from Aliens vs. Predators…

Angie (Angie Savage) – Our narrator and hostess for our journey into the battle between Busty Coeds and Lusty Cheerleaders. A battle that is often fought with lashed tongues, torn clothing, and panting bodies. Angie weaves a tale of deception and lies as the contestants battle it out to reign supreme…and also to get it on many many many times!
Marla Mounds (Jamie Michelle Hunter as Jaime Hunter) – Angie’s biggest competition, though she often just plays the sweet innocent girl who doesn’t seem like she’d backstab anyone…and doesn’t, unless it’s playing backstab defense against more notorious backstabbing!
Tiffany Nightsprings (Kylee Nash) – Tiffany’s dad is super rich and bribed everyone to get her where she is, but bribes only go so far…or do they???
Candice Connors (Charlie Laine) – Not the brightest of bulbs, but has a good heart. Like Marla, she often fades to the background, though her character doesn’t hang out with Angie as much as Marla does.
Miss Abby Meyers (Melessia Hayden) – Miss Meyes runs the competition and makes sure everything is above board. Which means daily bust measurements and pole dancing competitions. Like all scholastic competitions, especially the ACT!
Chet (Frankie Cullen) – One of handymen Miss Meyes hired to help out around the camp, because the gigantic camp with hardly any people in it would really have so many problems that it requires two full-time handymen… Is a killer piano player.
Bull (T.J. Cummings) – The other handyman hired. He likes Candice, at least he tells her as much.
Janet (Heather Vandeven) – Girl hired by Angie to get dirt to blackmail Dean Martin. Does an excellent job.
Tiffany’s Dad (G. Gordon Baer) – Rich father who attempts to bribe an manipulate the contest more towards his daughter’s favor.
Dean Martin (“Billy Chappell”) – Oh…that guy.
Girl in car (Glori-Anne Gilbert) – One of the two replacement judges sent by Tiffany’s father. Is amused at life, getting lost, the forest, and the very young stud she’s driving around with. Good attitude!
Guy in car (???) – This guy looks straight out of high school, but he’s a replacement judge and just ends up getting it one with Glori-Ann Gilbert in the forest instead. I have no clue who played him.
Busty Coeds vs Lusty Cheerleaders
SHHH! Don’t tell anyone the shocking ending of Busty Coeds vs. Lusty Cheerleaders!

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The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad

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The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad


2012
Written by Dean McKendrick
Directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Medina)

Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad
Did I leave the Bikini Frankenstein machine on?

Whenever there is trouble, and it is double (double-Ds, that is!), the Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad will be there! Three girls solve cases and bust bad guys while wearing outfits that will make you blush…if they bother to wear outfits, that is! Charlie may have his angels, but those films were terrible and let’s not even talk about the reboot series. The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad does more than just be a Charlie’s Angels knockoff with a title borrowed from a hit novelty song, it’s also a commentary on the decline of the Playboy enterprise.

The Tony Tefler character and the Playpen magazine and empire are clearly based on Hugh Hefner and Playboy (duh!), and they lampoon both Hef’s old age and his dalliances with a series of younger women (seen most famously on The Girls Next Door show, but also pretty famous without the show.) In the beginning, Hefner arose from his magazine creation beginnings to become a free speech advocate, largely due to photographing naked women being considered obscene in many parts of the US back in the furious 50s. Playboy grew into a classy and hip thing that world-minded trendy people read while listening to jazz and hosting serious parties where the civil rights movement and women’s lib were discussed by people in berets. At least that is how I imagine the 60s and 70s, though there was probably awesome music and piles of drugs. Playboy even had their own TV show.

Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad
YOU vaccum the living room!

But the rise of the moral majority, Reagan’s America, the resurgance of conservatism, it threw that hip stuff out the window. In addition, there was also the rise of pornography, in the 70s porn films were playing in mainstream art house theaters. Things came crashing down, the rise of the video culture and late night cable took some of the wind out of the sails. Playboy became replaced by men’s mags such as Maxim and their copycats in the 90s, while at the same time they were losing out online as porn became freely available with but a click and a lie about being over 18. Playboy lost the innovation it had, it’s place as the figurehead for a movement eclipsed.

Is there a place for classy pictures in the age of internet pornography? I’m sure there is, but by not getting ahead of the game, Playboy is fighting an uphill battle. The reality show boosted their stock more than anything recently, but that ended like all good things must. And with it, Playboy’s current cultural impact. It remains to be seen what the future of Playboy will hold, especially as Hefner clocks up there in years and will eventually clock out. Playboy always hold a fond memory for millions of pervs around the world. I remember even buying an issue of Playboy for the article, an interview with Jesse Ventura right after he was elected governor.

Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad
On the guy’s shirt?  Elvis!

The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad hits all of the notes that critics of the Playboy brand have been hinting at. From the producer who wants to make more harder stuff, to the legions of ex-girlfriends of Hefner, to even Hef’s viagra usage, the points are all laid out. Fear not, as the film is not overly preachy, the Hefner character is even the victim, despite being portrayed in an unsympathetic light. If anything, that makes The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad more realistic than many episodes of Law & Order.

The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad is another Synthetic Filmwerx joint! Werx it if you got it.

Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad
Occupy Teenie Weenie Bikini Street!

Sandy Banner (Brandin Rackley) – The main investigator of The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad, Sandy will always get her man in the end, even if it means he gets her in the end first!
Jasmine St. James (Michelle Maylene) – The youngest member of the squad who is an expert at under cover and being under the covers. Becomes strangely excited about her undercover model career.
Nikki Resnick (Kylee Nash) – The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad member most likely to believe Weekly World News headlines. Yeah, I made a reference to a dead publication in a review of a movie that mocks another dying publication. It’s called “being awesome”!
Benny (Mike Gaglio) – The boss of the Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad, and a real slave driver. Benny needs to learn that there is a time for work and a time for vacation.
Tef (Ted Newsom) – Tony “Tef” Tefler, owner of Playpen magazine and noted scumbag. But he’s a scumbag with money and bad things are happening against him, so he’s the client. Cue “The Client” appearing below his picture ala Burn Notice. I have said it before, and will say it again: Ted Newsom rules.
Laura (Kelli McCarty) – Tef’s top photographer, former Playpen girl, and former flame. She both despises her former lover and wishes she had his attention again.
Mo (Beverly Lynne) – All the best bartenders are named Mo(e). Another former Tef flame and Playpen girl who now works in an out of the way part of his empire, and is unacknowledged to her resentment.
Frank Devlin (Evan Stone) – The jerk who manages the Playpen Club. He’s desperate to escape his contract with Tef to start his own hardcore company, but he’s stuck tight. Unless Playpen goes under…
Rico Martinez (Tony Marino) – Oh. That guy.
Burt (Nick Manning) – Frank’s goon who does his breaking and entering work. Also does entering work for explicit videos. High five, that was a joke worthy of an ALF rerun!
Dancer (Jade Starr) – Are we human, or are we dancer?
Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad
This Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire remake is weird!

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