Tag Archives: Kelli McCarty

Busty Housewives of Beverly Hills

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Busty Housewives of Beverly Hills

Busty Housewives of Beverly Hills
2012
Written by Dean McKendrick
Directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Medina)

Busty Housewives of Beverly Hills

When will us busty housewives get to bust a move?


While I usually am gung ho for the Fred Olen Ray films, Busty Housewives of Beverly Hills left a sour taste in my mouth. During the film, the main character hypnotizes a female character and essentially rapes her, and causes her to be raped several other times. It’s all played as “magical control” where the woman suddenly becomes super horny and can’t help herself. But it is rape. And that’s not cool, nor does it make Busty Housewives of Beverly Hills a fun film to watch with your significant other.

There is a group of people who enjoy scenes where women are brainwashed or hypnotized or drugged into becoming incredibly horny and thus needing sex right this instant. Some of it undoubtedly spurs from the time-honored tradition of going out, getting drunk, and getting laid. With a little alcohol in their system, inhibitions drop. All of the depictions feature women who are enthusiastic about the sex they are about to do no under their entire free will. There is an undercurrent that all these women would be banging left and right if they could, so these effects just let them do what they want to do. Others seem into it because it is a form of humiliation of the woman, that she somehow deserves to have sex with random guys because she has lots of sex anyways. That points to a deeper problem, and much more disturbing. Now, this is fiction, no one is actually being raped, and fantasies are fine as long as they are fantasies. Some fantasies I can do without seeing depicted in the media I consume.

It’s not the first time this scenario has shown up in a Fred Olen Ray film – Bikini Jones features a scene where she’s essentially drugged, a character in Bikini Pirates is possessed by a ghost and gets it on, Tanya X in The Girl from B.I.K.I.N.I. is literally drugged and raped, and the female characters in Housewives From Another World are all taken over by time-traveling aliens and essentially consumed(murdered) by them. All of these scenarios are terrible, and though you can try to argue excuses for some of them, they are what they are. They do make things unenjoyable, and I am at the point where I don’t want to watch them anymore. I was heartened because of something that happens in 2013’s The Super Sex Program that throws these on their ear, so maybe things are changing.

Busty Housewives of Beverly Hills

They really shouldn’t have split The Hobbit into 37 different films…


Busty Housewives of Beverly Hills not only has a rapist main character, but almost every character is a bad person. It’s a weird movie where the only somewhat decent character is a hired killer. Most characters are scummy and excuse their bad behavior, while Carmine the killer is honest about being a bad person. That doesn’t save him from suffering the same fate as many of the other characters, frozen in place for an unknown time period. Their ultimate fate unknown, as Dave Nelson and his wife leave to be miserable elsewhere. While Busty Housewives of Beverly Hills seems like it’s making a stand against mindless consumerism, that point is lost beneath the layers of terrible behavior.

Doug Nelson (Eric Masterson) – Former famous traveling hypnotist turned jaded psychic, who soon inherits a big house in Beverly Hills that turns out to be just as problematic as not having a big house. He’s also big into hypnotizing women to have sex with him.
Kate Nelson (Kelli McCarty) – Used to be an actress, now he’s jut a washed up pretend psychic working with her washed up pretend psychic husband, dreaming of her glory years and wishing she had piles of cash to blow on useless junk.
Patricia (Beverly Lynne) – Cranky spoiled housewife of Peter who spends all her time talking down to everyone, especially her new favorite target, Doug. Ends up hypnotized and then teaming up with a hired killer.
Peter (Ted Newsom) – Tycoon in the oil business, because you can’t have Beverly Hills without oil. Unless it’s 90210, which I don’t think has oil. They did have the Peach Pit, which is like oil. Okay, maybe it’s not like oil, but let’s pretend it is like oil. Pretending is fun!
George Hemwell (Billy Chappell as Tony Marino) – Oh. That guy.
Amy Hemwell (Kylee Nash) – George’s wife, who is usually falling out of her dress. Was even going to sleep with Doug until he turned out to be a blackmailer! Probably the most well-rounded of the characters despite being amoral.
Carmine (Evan Stone) – Killer hired by George to take out Doug Nelson, except he goes to the wrong house and gets involved with Patricia. Despite being a murdered and becoming an unwilling rapist, he’s a pretty decent guy who helps unravel the mess going on.
Griswald (Michael Gaglio) – Friend of Doug’s late aunt, who is also teaching Doug a lesson. Dough is one of those people who needs like 1000 lessons, so Griswald is going to be busy for a long while…

Busty Housewives of Beverly Hills

Worst OKCupid date ever!


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Dark Secrets

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Dark Secrets

Dark Secrets
2013
Written by Tina Hawthorne
Directed by David Barber

Dark Secrets

That’s not how you tell secrets!


Relationships relationships relationships. And also hot sex. Mainline Releasing drops another cool script from Tina Hawthorne that takes another softcore film on a deep introspective journey to look at the relationships of the people who are its subjects. The dissection is so complete that a major character is a group couples therapist, who helps the various pairings with their issues. Some things can be dealt with, and some relationships aren’t worth saving.

Be warned, audience, Dark Secrets might actually make you think for a bit! Sure, it’s got naked people being nude with each other, but also people talk and learn give and takes of relationships. Thus becoming stronger as they learn to work with each other. Sure, a few of the compromises get simplified to just boning each other, but there is a quota of sex scenes we need to fill here, people!

Two relationships have problems in that both members each have their own little things that need to get ironed out. So the therapy session helps because they have a chance to discuss it, instead of just getting angry and exploding at each other. The group couples therapy would seem to be advantageous because you can see similarities to facets of your own relationship when you hear others talk about theirs. But you might also learn things you don’t really want to know about your friends, so I don’t suggest jumping right into group couples therapy with all your friends. And every group has that one friend’s significant other that everyone hates. Yes, he’s in this film as well.

Dark Secrets

I hate this painting. HATE!!


David doesn’t quite fit in with the rest of the group because he’s said to be older and doesn’t really care for Marisa’s going to school or doing much of anything except living off of him. David always seems to have the right line to compliment all the other girls, but rarely bothers to connect with Marisa. It is apparent to everyone that Marisa is on her last legs in that relationship, fed up with David’s crap and attempts to control things. David ticks off the other guys at therapy with his empty platitudes, coming out at a disadvantage while Marisa becomes more empowered by the sessions. It’s clear that being around other people helps give Marisa confidence, something David isn’t too keen on, as confidence means she won’t be doing what he says. David’s personality is more complicated at first, but by the end of the film he becomes cartoonishly evil. A switch goes off once Marisa becomes free, and David can’t handle it, can’t handle the being out of control. The Dark Secret of David is he’s a violent sociopath!

Marisa (Jayden Cole) – Young student dating the much older David, who seems like he knows all the answers, but really doesn’t know much, especially about Marisa. But he does know how to be disturbingly violent if Marisa brakes up with him… Jayden Cole is also in Bikini Jones and the Temple of Eros, Bikini Frankenstein, and Naughty Reunion.
David (Billy Chappell) – Oh. That guy.
Felicia (Heather Vahn) – Marisa and Bree’s friend, her boyfriend Max spends all his time working on his laptop and being passive aggressive when she tries to drag him to group couples therapy. Felicia is worried about the time Max spends not paying attention to her and her needs. As this is pre-boob job Heather Vahn, it also helps date how long ago this was filmed vs. being released. Heather Vahn also stars in the political thriller Grab and Bind: Heather Vahn, Political Prisoner
Max (Michael Vegas) – Felicia’s boyfriend who is probably very busy with work right now, though if you are a naked Felicia he can pause a bit to have sex with you. Does not like David. At all. Michael Vegas sweeps the leg in The Karate Kid XXX: A DreamZone Parody.
Bree (Victoria White) – Marisa and Felicia’s friend who helps convince Marisa to bring David to therapy. Defends some of David’s statements (because they compliment her) though eventually makes up with her boyfriend. This relationship only seems to need therapy because Brian is angry 24/7. Victoria White also appears in Sexual Quest.
Brian (Richard Lounello) – Bree’s boyfriend. Is constantly angry. About everything. Has HUGE ears. Does not like David. At all. Richard Lounello also appears in Battledogs.
Dr. Serena Daniels (Kelli McCarty) – Therapist who hosts group couples therapy sessions, which are as exciting as you think they would be to be in. Despite being a trained psychologist, she’s not above having sex with her patients. Let’s hope the California Board of Psychology doesn’t watch this movie! Kelli McCarty is also in The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad

Dark Secrets

How dare you criticize my Naruto/Pokemon slash fic!


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The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad

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The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad


2012
Written by Dean McKendrick
Directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Medina)

Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad
Did I leave the Bikini Frankenstein machine on?

Whenever there is trouble, and it is double (double-Ds, that is!), the Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad will be there! Three girls solve cases and bust bad guys while wearing outfits that will make you blush…if they bother to wear outfits, that is! Charlie may have his angels, but those films were terrible and let’s not even talk about the reboot series. The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad does more than just be a Charlie’s Angels knockoff with a title borrowed from a hit novelty song, it’s also a commentary on the decline of the Playboy enterprise.

The Tony Tefler character and the Playpen magazine and empire are clearly based on Hugh Hefner and Playboy (duh!), and they lampoon both Hef’s old age and his dalliances with a series of younger women (seen most famously on The Girls Next Door show, but also pretty famous without the show.) In the beginning, Hefner arose from his magazine creation beginnings to become a free speech advocate, largely due to photographing naked women being considered obscene in many parts of the US back in the furious 50s. Playboy grew into a classy and hip thing that world-minded trendy people read while listening to jazz and hosting serious parties where the civil rights movement and women’s lib were discussed by people in berets. At least that is how I imagine the 60s and 70s, though there was probably awesome music and piles of drugs. Playboy even had their own TV show.

Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad
YOU vaccum the living room!

But the rise of the moral majority, Reagan’s America, the resurgance of conservatism, it threw that hip stuff out the window. In addition, there was also the rise of pornography, in the 70s porn films were playing in mainstream art house theaters. Things came crashing down, the rise of the video culture and late night cable took some of the wind out of the sails. Playboy became replaced by men’s mags such as Maxim and their copycats in the 90s, while at the same time they were losing out online as porn became freely available with but a click and a lie about being over 18. Playboy lost the innovation it had, it’s place as the figurehead for a movement eclipsed.

Is there a place for classy pictures in the age of internet pornography? I’m sure there is, but by not getting ahead of the game, Playboy is fighting an uphill battle. The reality show boosted their stock more than anything recently, but that ended like all good things must. And with it, Playboy’s current cultural impact. It remains to be seen what the future of Playboy will hold, especially as Hefner clocks up there in years and will eventually clock out. Playboy always hold a fond memory for millions of pervs around the world. I remember even buying an issue of Playboy for the article, an interview with Jesse Ventura right after he was elected governor.

Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad
On the guy’s shirt?  Elvis!

The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad hits all of the notes that critics of the Playboy brand have been hinting at. From the producer who wants to make more harder stuff, to the legions of ex-girlfriends of Hefner, to even Hef’s viagra usage, the points are all laid out. Fear not, as the film is not overly preachy, the Hefner character is even the victim, despite being portrayed in an unsympathetic light. If anything, that makes The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad more realistic than many episodes of Law & Order.

The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad is another Synthetic Filmwerx joint! Werx it if you got it.

Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad
Occupy Teenie Weenie Bikini Street!

Sandy Banner (Brandin Rackley) – The main investigator of The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad, Sandy will always get her man in the end, even if it means he gets her in the end first!
Jasmine St. James (Michelle Maylene) – The youngest member of the squad who is an expert at under cover and being under the covers. Becomes strangely excited about her undercover model career.
Nikki Resnick (Kylee Nash) – The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad member most likely to believe Weekly World News headlines. Yeah, I made a reference to a dead publication in a review of a movie that mocks another dying publication. It’s called “being awesome”!
Benny (Mike Gaglio) – The boss of the Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad, and a real slave driver. Benny needs to learn that there is a time for work and a time for vacation.
Tef (Ted Newsom) – Tony “Tef” Tefler, owner of Playpen magazine and noted scumbag. But he’s a scumbag with money and bad things are happening against him, so he’s the client. Cue “The Client” appearing below his picture ala Burn Notice. I have said it before, and will say it again: Ted Newsom rules.
Laura (Kelli McCarty) – Tef’s top photographer, former Playpen girl, and former flame. She both despises her former lover and wishes she had his attention again.
Mo (Beverly Lynne) – All the best bartenders are named Mo(e). Another former Tef flame and Playpen girl who now works in an out of the way part of his empire, and is unacknowledged to her resentment.
Frank Devlin (Evan Stone) – The jerk who manages the Playpen Club. He’s desperate to escape his contract with Tef to start his own hardcore company, but he’s stuck tight. Unless Playpen goes under…
Rico Martinez (Tony Marino) – Oh. That guy.
Burt (Nick Manning) – Frank’s goon who does his breaking and entering work. Also does entering work for explicit videos. High five, that was a joke worthy of an ALF rerun!
Dancer (Jade Starr) – Are we human, or are we dancer?
Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad
This Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire remake is weird!

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