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Attack of the Beast Creatures (Review)

Attack of the Beast Creatures

Directed by Michael Stanley
Written by Robert A. Hutton

Here we have an oddity from the depths of the VHS era, a film that still hasn’t been released on DVD and might one day sink into the sands of time. A movie that has some of the oddest monsters in cinema. A group of people trapped on an uncharted island are attacked by little red creature dolls moved or tossed at them by off-camera hands (if they even move at all in the scenes!) But before the people get attacked, they have to walk. And walk. And walk. They walk so much as so little happens, the title should have been Stroll on an Island, and Maybe Some Beast Creatures Attack Later. I was expecting an awesome time of people getting attacked by dolls, but instead it was a constant bore even as the bodies started to pile up. The action is not constant but just little spurts of interest. Still, the scenes of the creatures running, attacking, and getting tossed around by the actors is why we are here, and it looks goofy enough that the sequences can be ever so fun! We’ll be including some samples for your viewing pleasure later in the review, as it is impossible to accurately describe the creatures’ movement, you just have to see it.

The Beast Creatures themselves are just a bunch of dolls, as stated earlier. Dozens and dozens of the little buggers infest the island. They are the entire reason to watch the film. You cannot pretend that the characters are interesting, or that people getting killed by acid is exciting or worthy of a movie on itself. The characters are just boring as all get out. Almost no character development and what little is done is awkward and conveyed unconvincingly by performances that wouldn’t cut it in third grade plays. Only John Vichiola as Mr. Morgan has any personality that isn’t outshown by the trees in the background. More extreme personalities would have made the film more interesting, there is a reason reality shows recruit crazy people. The long sequences of boring characters eating berries? Classic cinema. Classic like the Zapruder film! But in this case, an assassin’s bullets (or the second shooter’s!) would save us from a mess, not create one. Someone some day will take this film, edit out half of the first hour, and then release the perfect 50 minute film for the world to enjoy. Until that fateful day, we are stuck here, and must deal with the film as it is. That means we have to deal with the people in addition to the Beast Creatures. So let’s get to dealing with them, and not waste time with padding like the film tries to.

John Trieste (Robert Nolfi) – He’s the highest ranking ship officer on the lifeboat. He’s also the hero. And he’s also utterly, utterly boring. Bore Score 9.5/10
Cathy (Julia Rust) – Absolutely nothing interesting to report about her. Her character is so inconsequential I was shocked she wasn’t killed. Bore Score 10/10
Case Quinn (Robert Lengyel) – Also a crew member of the boat. Falls more often than running women in slasher films. Bore Score 8/10
Diane (Lisa Pak) – At one point John kisses Diane, then later she dies. Hey, I’m being generous with this description of her, there is really nothing there! Bore Score 10/10
Philip (Frank Murgalo) – He’s the fat guy of the island, which makes me wonder why the Beast Creatures aren’t targeting him first. He would last a lot longer in a feeding frenzy. Speared by a tripwire trap. A veterinarian. Bore Score 8/10
Mr. Morgan (John Vichiola) – The meanest old man in this film, Mr. Morgan is a jerk who soon takes an acid bath. The only person who has any character development that was more than half a line of dialogue, and yet you hate him just as much as everyone else. Bore Score 6/10
Mrs. Gordon (Kay Bailey) – Picks berries, wanders off from the group when the group is being actively stalked, then probably wonders why she was horribly killed. Bore Score 9/10
Pat (Frans Kal) – Finds some water on the island…but it wasn’t water, it was acid, and he was dissolved to the bone! That’s all he does, folks. Bore Score 9/10
Mr. Bruin (Robert Firgelewski) – Dying when they hit the shores, becomes a skeleton thanks to the hungry Beast Creatures. Bore Score 9/10
The Beast Creatures (Dolls) – The doll from Trilogy of Terror got hitched to one of those crazy biting dolls from Barbarella and spawned several hundred of these red monstrosities. These dolls are hungry as those Hungry Hungry Hippos, but instead of chomping on marbles the take a bite out of anyone who stumbles across their island. No clue on what they eat when people aren’t bumbling their way through the forests of Beast Creature Island. Bore Score 2/10
The Idol (Cardboard) – This ain’t the kind of Idol you call in to vote for so Simon can make snarky comments, this is one of those idols that natives worship. In this case, it is the Beast Creatures who are doing the worship. Because of the lack of a language, we know nothing about the mythology of this idol and its purpose. And that’s just the kind of stuff super-nerds like me crave! Bore Score 1/10

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2 comments - What do you think?
Posted by Tars Tarkas - June 25, 2007 at 4:00 am

Categories: Movie Reviews, Ugly   Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,