One Million AC/DC

1969
Starring
Susan Berkely as ???
Gary Ken as ???
Billy Wolf as ???
Sharon Wells as ???
Jack King as ???
Natasha as ???
Directed by Ed De Priest
Written by Ed Wood, Jr!!!! (as Akdon Telmig)

“This film meets requirements set forth in the code of the ADULT FILM PRODUCERS ASSOCIATION.” Too bad it doesn’t meet requirements set forth by GOOD FILMMAKING!

AC/DC is a detestable mess full of repulsive, greasy actors going at it like chimpanzees on Spanish fly. The incomparable One Million AC/DC is on a DVD with The Mighty Gorga, and probably because they both share a common T-Rex puppet used for bad special effects. The puppet, however, is the pinnacle of effects in AC/DC, as opposed to the low point in The Mighty Gorga. They get worse, much worse. The puppet isn’t even used half the time, otherwise it is a static plastic toy tyrannosaurs who moved by a hand just below the fake mountains. Now, bad special effects can be forgiven if there is a good story. There story here is just an excuse to get the cast naked so the audience can get off. Written by Akdon Telmig, who you might know better as Ed Wood, Jr.!!! Yes, after becoming a depressed alcoholic, Ed Wood was forced to write semi-adult films under pseudonyms. Besides this mess, he also wrote the cult classic about a Venus flytrap man The Revenge of Dr. X, which we’ll be reviewing the second we get a hold of a copy. The one redeeming factor on the film’s terrible pun title is you can make jokes about AC/DC songs: “He’s got big balls, And she’s got big balls, But we’ve got the biggest balls of them all” That would get old quick, so we won’t be doing it. The plot is around a tribe of cavepeople, and their sex, orgies, sacrifices, and winemaking. Exciting stuff, and historically accurate, just like the movies The Patriot and Braveheart.

Olaf (???) – Olaf is the hero of this piece, as so far as it has a hero character. Sounding like Peter Graves, Olaf yet retains a Eastern European name despite being one of the few actors without an European accent. He is the man of Marla, and uses the deadly bow and arrow to slay the ferocious T-Rex puppet/toy. Banger (???) – Banger is the local artist for the tribe, instead of joining in the orgies all he does is just paint pictures, both of orgies and of random other things, including the sisters of fellow tribe members. He’s one of those cavemen stuck in the 1960s. Instead of happy little trees, it’s happy little sleaze. Helps invent the bow and arrow, thanks to drawing it on the wall. Helga (???) – One day out picking fruit, sweet Helga was captured by The Gorilla, who did her “Gorilla Style” until she couldn’t get enough of his banana. Once you go gorilla you never go back. The Gorilla (??? in a gorilla suit) – The horniest ape of the Stone Age, The Gorilla can only quench his throbbing thirst for flesh by pinching a local blonde cavegirl and using her for all his crazed apelust needs. Chief Jabba (???) – I’m not sure the character name for this ode to gluttony, but Chief Jabba fits nicely. The head of our tribe of horny, girl-sacrificing wine drinkers, Chief Jabba doesn’t do much but sit there, look upset, and shout a few words to announce a couple of major scene transitions. Probably ate the original tyrannosaurus special effects, forcing a last minute replacement of a dime store toy. Marla (???) – Marla is Olaf’s woman, and she no longer wants him to associate with Luga, the evil blonde girl. She forbids Olaf from being with Luga during the Big Orgy. Provides moral support to Olaf in his quest to kill the T-Rex. Luga is less than thrilled with the prospect of losing some man-meat, so they tussle. The T-Rex (A puppet and a toy) – Last seen in The Mighty Gorga, crappy T-Rex puppet is back, this time to harass some sex-crazed cavepeople! As an added bonus, T-Rex is played in long shots by a immobile toy wiggled by a stagehand. For those of you feeling things couldn’t possibly get worse than the Gorga footage, you are sadly mistaken. T-Rex is killed by Olaf and his bow and arrow.

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