Samantha’s Sexy Summer
Samantha’s Sexy Summer
2006
Written and directed by Francis Locke
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Can you hear me now?
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Another Torchlight Picture that takes place mostly in the middle of the desert! Except they have ditched the random archaeology or photography themes and instead are using a vacation theme. National Lampoon’s Desert Vacation. But don’t worry, this has all the Torchlight Picture/Francis Locke motifs:
- The desert
- A run-down hotel
- A long shower sequence in the run-down hotel
- Sex scenes bordering on 15 minutes long
- Dialogue in-between said sex sequences bordering on 2 minutes long
- Music by Blade Simpson
The pair of women in Samantha’s Sexy Summer have more silicone and collagen injections than an entire baseball team of Tiger Woods mistresses. And since the both play their identical twin sisters, it’s a quad dose of fake boobs!
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Feel the sexy summer!
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If you ask “Can you hear me now?” one more time, I’ll hunt you down and gut you!
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Categories: Movie Reviews, Ugly Tags: Francis Locke, Frankie Dashwood, Jourdain Lefue, Lesbians, softcore, Tabitha Stevens, Torchlight Pictures, Twin stigmata
Bad Girls Doing Bad Things (Review)
Bad Girls Doing Bad Things
2003
Written by Anora Leachim
Directed by Francis Locke
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Sarah’s Living Room Bookstore was soon crushed by the Barnes & Nobles opening in her bathroom…
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It’s time for yet another Torchlight Pictures/Francis Locke softcore production with a ridiculous plot and overly-long sex scenes! Bad Girls Doing Bad Things is about girls that are “good” girls attempting to dirty up their image to impress some random guy. Thanks to this instructional video, we now know what “bad” girls are – girls who watch people have sex in the club. Now you know, and knowing is half the battle. So let’s get the other half going as we dive right in to Bad Girls Doing Bad Things!
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If we were any badder, Michael Jackson would have sung a song about us!
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Bad Girls Doing Bad Things is among the most fun of the Torchlight Pictures catalogue, largely due to the character of Keith ragging on the good girls for being so boring, and their lame attempts to be cool. It still has the Torchlight Pictures characteristics of overly-long sex scenes, minimal plot, and scenes shot in abandoned buildings or the director’s living room. Oddly enough, I didn’t spot a hotel room in the mix, unless the hallways that look like a parking garage were actually a hotel parking garage.
Besides being produced and directed by Francis Locke, Blade Simpson continues to provide music while the “written by” credits an “Anora Leachim” (obviously a real name and not someone’s name backwards!)
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I’ll go ENTER in the EXIT door! It’s totally a bad girl thing to do!
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I object, this isn’t a bad thing at all!
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Categories: Movie Reviews, Ugly Tags: Anora Leachim, August Arroya, Blade Simpson, Francis Locke, Jana Cova, Lesbians, Overly long sex scenes, Remy, Scott Alexander, Serrano Rios, softcore, Teanna Kai, Torchlight Pictures
Dirty Blondes 2
Dirty Blondes 2
2006
Directed by Francis Locke
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Good thing these ancient Indians wrote “Made in Malaysia” on this ancient pot in English…
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Dirty Blondes 2 is the Speed 2: Cruise Control of the Dirty Blonde Franchise. Which I think is just these two films, as another feature called More Dirty Blondes doesn’t seem to be related at all. Dirty Blondes 2 continues the riveting Dirty Blondes story, as two teams search for evidence of American and Polynesian contact, though this time instead of looking for pottery, they’re looking for a stone dildo. Because that proves…something. Whatever. The classic Dirty Blondes tropes are there – sexy archeology, female archeologists don’t wear pants, female archeologists take long showers and have sex with all of their digging partners, and long-missing ancient artifacts with Earth-shattering secrets are just lying on the ground in mint condition.
Torchlight Pictures, Francis Locke, and Blade Simpson combine together for another softcore with almost three minutes of plot stretched between many long long long long long long long sex scenes. And let’s not forget a liberal use of one long long long long long long long sex scene from the previous film. My theory is the budget was whatever Torchlight Pictures found while rummaging though the couch cushions. We all know the name of the game, so let’s meet the players:
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The Dirty Blondes Collection, coming this fall to Marshall’s!
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La-la-la, getting naked for no reason, la-la-la
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Dirty Blondes (Review)
Dirty Blondes
2004
Written and directed by Francis Locke
The only thing you need to know is “Bottomless Archeology”
From Torchlight Pictures comes another softcore flick involving five minutes of plot and 80 minutes of getting it on. This time, the action concerns groups of archeologists at two dig sites and their exciting adventures of digging up some bowls the producer bought at Ross that weekend. One of the two locations of the action is the Mojave Desert, which is played by the desert location that is used in a lot of Torchlight Pictures films. Dirty Blondes even spawned a sequel that takes place in the same desert. The pair of titular Dirty Blondes are not in the desert, but are located in set piece number two, a lush rainforest. This helps break up the monotony of the bleak desert landscape. Let’s also applaud Dirty Blondes for not having any scene be set in a hotel, like most of the other Torchlight Pictures desert features.
Francis Locke breaks out another picture that has its plot on the ultra-Slim-Fast diet. The songs of Blade Simpson (if that is his real name) is used for the soundtrack, which is the same Blade Simpson CD used in practically every Torchlight film that uses him as a soundtrack. Familiar music can sometimes be comforting, such as the familiar music in the Fred Olen Ray Bikini movies or the songs in Jim Wynorski flicks.
Once again, the world of archeology is sexy. It’s the most sexy science field according to all these softcore flicks, where they’re always uncovering ancient sexy civilizations or spirits of queens or artifacts that make people want to bone. You rarely see biochemists getting it on.
Let’s get this archeological dig started, Indiana Jones style! As for the dudes in the cast, I don’t know who is who for Rafe or Scott Alexander, so I’m sadly not able to mention humorous porn titles they’ve been in. It will be a mystery for the ages.
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