Posts tagged "DTV"

Dungeons & Dragons 2 (Review)

Dungeons & Dragons 2: The Elemental Might

aka Dungeons & Dragons: Wrath of the Dragon God


2005
Starring
Bruce Payne as Damodar
Mark Dymond as Berek
Clemency Burton-Hill as Melora
Ellie Chidzley as Lux
Tim Stern as Nim

Dungeons & Dragons was a pile of junk that ignored the franchise and featured some of the worst-acting heroes in that or this realm. The only saving graces were the villains, the wonderfully overacting Jeremy Irons and the overly annoyed Bruce Payne. The whole mess is something best forgotten, or so popular opinion was, until a low budget sequel crept up out of the darkness in 2005. Working on the previous movie yet setting it 100 years later, the film manages to be able to shed all the terrible elements that plagued the first installment, and also brings back one of the bright spots, Bruce Payne as Damodar. It puts together a real quest, a party made up of characters with different jobs and species, actually has interesting heroes, some of which shine in their roles, and even the limited amount of dragons are far superior to the massive dragon attack from the previous film. If there was ever a time a direct to video sequel deserved to be in the theaters while the original theatrical film deserved to rot on the bottom shelf at Blockbusters, we have reached that time. Are there problems? Of course, otherwise this review would be no fun! The problems are slight and many can be blamed on the prior film, both in established storyline and budgetary-wise. Nevertheless, this quest is far more perilous than the last, grab your +4 Goblin Sword and join me as we trudge through the jungle of Nabonga, fight the hordes of Furious Frog-g-gs, and attack the Lair of the Alone in the Dark King to bring back the Honor of the Dungeons & Dragons franchise!



Read more…

Be the first to comment - What do you think?
Posted by Tars Tarkas - October 27, 2005 at 7:22 am

Categories: Bad, Movie Reviews   Tags: , , , , , , ,

Species III (Review)

Species III


2004
Starring
Robin Dunne as Dean
Robert Knepper as Dr. Abbot
Sunny Mabrey as Sara
Amelia Cooke as Amelia
J.P. Pitoc as Hastings
Natasha Henstridge as Eve

Direct to Sci-Fi Channel? How could I lose? Natasha Henstridge made it big by being the alien desperately looking for Mr. Goodbar who just happened to be naked for 78.342193% of the movie. That was followed up by a movie where an Astronaut who went to Mars became an Alien Deuce Bigalow implanting women with exploding babies that reach birthing stage after a few seconds. Due to the quick work of Bubba Blue from Forrest Gump and the remade Natasha Henstridge Astronaut Jones became Astro-not Jones. However, just to show it wasn’t the end of the line, Species II made certain to leave an out. Actually, it left Three! We had one of the Village of the Damned-looking children survive, inside the army truck with dead Natasha, who’s stomach was growing because she was pregnant after death, and out number three involved a random cat that jumped on her stomach, punched around, and quickly ran off. So whatever writers tackled this legacy would have no problem coming up with some sort of plot device. Astoundingly, the writers still had to stretch to get the story rolling, despite it being set up perfectly and easily.
Read more…

Be the first to comment - What do you think?
Posted by Tars Tarkas - July 18, 2005 at 4:07 am

Categories: Movie Reviews, Ugly   Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Starship Troopers 2: Hero of the Federation (Review)

Starship Troopers 2: Hero of the Federation


2004
Starring
Richard Burgi as Capt. V.J. Dax
Kelly Carlson as Pvt. Charlie Soda
Brenda Strong as Sgt. Dede Rak
Colleen Porch as Pvt. Lei Sahara
Ed Lauter as Gen. J. G. Shepherd
J.P. Manoux as TSgt. Ari Peck

The Bugs are Back, and this time they’ve got a plan! That plan? Crawl around and act stupid! Paul Verhoeven’s ridiculous adaptation of Heinlein’s Starship Troopers gets a low budget sequel put together by the special effects wizards who did the first film. Now, if you remove from your mind that the original is based on a pretty good book, the film suddenly becomes hundreds of times better, but is still an over satirized mess. Paul Verhoeven doesn’t bother with the sequel, I think he was working on another film with CGI Kevin Bacon penis or something. To save money, as this film had none, they spend most of it holed up in a bunker, and then do a lame representation of a different Heinlein book, The Puppet Masters. Unlike the last film, this one will neither be known for cheeseball graphic action nor coed showers.

Would you like to know more?

Read more…

Be the first to comment - What do you think?
Posted by Tars Tarkas - July 7, 2005 at 6:22 am

Categories: Movie Reviews, Ugly   Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Wild Things 3: Diamonds in the Rough (Review)

Wild Things 3: Diamonds in the Rough


2005
Starring
Sarah Laine as Marie Clifford (Rich Girl)
Sandra McCoy as Elena Sandoval (Bad Girl)
Linden Ashby as Detective Michael Morrison
Ron Melendez as Dr. Chad Johnson (Forensics Guy)
Dina Meyer as Kirsten Richards

Remember that movie Wild Things, which had a bunch of plot twists and murder? Oh, so you only remember the threesome scene. Well, good news for you. This is the same movie. There are a few differences, indeed, but they basically just renamed all the characters. Instead of Denise Richards or Neve Campbell, we get Susan Ward and Leila Arcieri. Who are they? Well, they work for cheap, that’s who they are! ERROR ERROR ERROR ERROR ERROR ERROR!!

Sorry about that. Wild Things 3 is so similar to Wild Things 2 that I almost wrote the same review. I probably could get away with it, since they used almost the same script. Except they must have used a photocopier that was low on ink, so a few pages were faded and they filled in the rest with their big named star, Dina Meyer, who fills in the role of “someone who has actual acting talent” that was provided by Isaiah Washington in WT2. I’d call the writers a bunch of thieves, except they stole from themselves as they are guilty of writing WT2, and are moving on to write Single White Female 2, which the world needs, as Single White Female had so many unanswered questions. “Will she be single forever?” “Will she be white forever or get reversed Michael Jackson disease?” and “Will we get more movies where people are killed by high heeled shoes?” These modern day heroes are going to answer some of the questions that have plagued mankind for a decade.
Read more…

Be the first to comment - What do you think?
Posted by Tars Tarkas - June 25, 2005 at 3:46 am

Categories: Movie Reviews, Ugly   Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Wild Things 2 (Review)

Wild Things 2


2004
Starring
Susan Ward as Brittney Havers (The Rich Girl)
Leila Arcieri as Maya King (The Bad Girl)
Linden Ashby as Detective Michael Morrison
Isaiah Washington as Terence Bridge

Remember that movie Wild Things, which had a bunch of plot twists and murder? Oh, so you only remember the threesome scene. Well, good news for you. This is the same movie. There are a few differences, indeed, but they basically just renamed all the characters. Instead of Denise Richards or Neve Campbell, we get Susan Ward and Leila Arcieri. Who are they? Well, they work for cheap, that’s who they are!

Read more…

Be the first to comment - What do you think?
Posted by Tars Tarkas - June 24, 2005 at 3:39 am

Categories: Movie Reviews, Ugly   Tags: , , , , , , ,

The Exterminator (Review)

The Exterminator


1980
Starring
Robert Ginty as John Eastland
Christopher George as Detective James Dalton
Tony DiBenedetto as Chicken Pimp
Steve James as Michael Jefferson


Finally, a movie about what happens when cyborgs retire from their jobs of going back in time and killing unborn resistance leaders, moving down to Florida and hitching up their pants to their armpits. Huh? The movie is a Punisher rip-off? Damn it! Foiled again! Well, this is at least better than the first Punisher movie, and it was so popular despite being direct to video it managed a sequel!

Read more…

Be the first to comment - What do you think?
Posted by Tars Tarkas - February 19, 2005 at 6:45 pm

Categories: Bad, Movie Reviews   Tags: , , , , , ,

« Previous Page